He hadn’t come right out and told Selina what he was planning, but she was no fool. She knew his reasons for leaving Scotland and she was aware that the constant need to outrun his thoughts might one day take him further away. And she was certainly sharp enough to realize there was a method in Sam’s madness when he insisted on involving her in this latest puppy training exercise.
‘Show him who’s boss,’ he urged which prompted Selina to tug half-heartedly on the leash.
‘I have,’ she muttered. ‘And we’re both agreed – he is.’
‘No, he is not. I can’t believe you’re letting a six-month-old pup walk all over you, woman.’
Jasper chose that moment to run circles around his would-be mistress until she was tethered to the spot. With a deep sigh, Selina unravelled the leash from around her ankles and offered it to Sam.
‘I thought my years of being a doormat were behind me, but apparently not,’ she said.
A few sharp words and Jasper was at Sam’s side. The pup looked up at his master with doleful eyes that held more admonishment than guilt. Don’t abandon me, they said.
‘I think you have to accept that he’s your dog, Sam,’ Selina said as she let him move ahead of her with the puppy falling easily to heel. ‘I’ll take care of him while you’re at work but he belongs to you.’
‘You can’t go shirking your responsibility,’ Sam said, realizing too late he had given Selina another opportunity to condemn him.
‘Neither can you.’
‘So when were you ever a doormat?’ he asked if only to distract her.
‘A long time ago.’
‘How long? Would that be fifty odd years ago, maybe?’ he said. When Selina refused to respond, he continued. ‘I can’t imagine you being a pushover with anyone.’
‘I think Jasper would beg to differ.’
Selina had only ever given Sam the bare facts about her life with her husband. She had told him about the failed pregnancies that blighted her marriage and a little about the accident which had taken the life of her husband and their unborn child, together with her ability to ever carry another. She had talked about her sense of loss, comparing and contrasting her feelings with Sam’s, but she had said very little about the man she had once shared her life with or his character. Based on his own experiences, Sam had assumed that it was the profound pain from her loss that made the subject so difficult to voice, but after Pat’s comment at the barbeque, he had started to challenge that view. ‘Were you not happy when you were married?’
Selina didn’t reply and they walked on for a while in silence. Jasper kept so close to Sam that he bumped into his leg occasionally while Selina started to fall behind as if she were deliberately extending the distance between them. Sam slowed his pace too, letting her know he was still waiting for her answer.
‘It was a long time ago.’
‘You mean you can’t remember if you were happy or not?’
‘I remember.’
‘Pat said something about Finn having a darker side and how you knew what that was like. Was that a reference to your husband, Selina?’
Selina sniffed the air as if she had detected something unpleasant. ‘If Finn is anything like Alf was then I pity Laura and that little girl. She’s a sweet little thing and she shouldn’t have to live a life where her only ray of hope comes from sending begging letters to an inanimate object.’ She stopped and looked around. ‘Didn’t you want to pay a visit to the Wishing Tree? We’ve gone past it, haven’t we?’
‘My days of granting wishes are over,’ he said abruptly. ‘And I thought we were talking about you.’
‘What if it’s me making the wish?’
Sam didn’t answer. He knew what was coming.
‘Don’t go running off on me, Sam,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t cope with this little tyke on my own.’
‘He’ll be fine.’
‘Maybe he would,’ she admitted. ‘But I wouldn’t. Don’t make me beg, Sam.’
Sam wasn’t used to Selina exposing her vulnerable side. He hadn’t thought she had one. He stared intently at the path ahead and tried to work out where he was going.
‘OK, let’s go home,’ he said, and as they did an about-turn, Sam hoped there was also a way back to the peace he had once found within the four walls of his apartment. If he couldn’t, then Jasmine wasn’t the only one he would be letting down.
‘I see you haven’t got the troublemaker with you today.’
It took a moment for Sam to recognize the woman. She had been on his guided tour the week before and her husband had helped Sam get to his feet after Jasper had tripped him up. ‘I thought it was safest to leave Jasper at home this time,’ he said. His lips curved to match the shape of the woman’s mouth but he didn’t feel the smile.
‘That’s a shame. You make a good double act and the tour you gave was fascinating. You know, I’ve visited the park for years and never knew there was so much history about the place.’ They both glanced towards the Allerton Oak as it shivered in the breeze, its drying leaves trembling with apprehension for the coming season. The woman was oblivious to its fears as she continued, ‘I’ve told all my friends that they have to book themselves on one of your tours, but I’m warning you now, they’re expecting Jasper too.’
‘I can’t make any promises,’ he warned, aiming his frown at the trunk of the tree. He could see the merest hint of pink paper, its torn edges reaching out from the shadows towards him.
Sam had been staring at it for ten minutes but so far had refused to give in to his curiosity. That week had marked the start of a whole new chapter in his life, one where he was determined that the pages would remain relatively blank. Selina needed him and he owed her too much to abandon her, but if he was going to stay then he had to strip back his life until it was as sparse and uncluttered as his apartment and that meant breaking all ties with Jasmine. She had two parents and they were responsible for her, not him. He didn’t care that it was Thursday and that there was a chance she might come looking for him.
He hadn’t brought Jasper to the park on Tuesday either; in fact, he was spending as little time as possible at Calderstones while there remained a risk of glimpsing flashes of golden tresses through the trees. There had been plenty of office-based work thanks to the delay in filling Jack’s post and Sam had been quick to volunteer, making sure he only returned to Calderstones to deliver his tours with a handful of minutes to spare. He was going to immerse himself in his job, which had been his single source of fulfilment in the last few years and could be again.
After the woman had bidden him goodbye, the scrap of pink paper continued to taunt Sam. He made a half-hearted attempt to move away from the tree, but his feet were firmly planted in the ground. He rubbed his chin, which was as rough as sandpaper; it would be weeks before his beard looked anything more than five o’clock shadow, but, given time, it would be as if the last five months had never happened. He closed his eyes and was relieved that the dark and light playing across his eyelids didn’t merge to form the image of a little girl’s face, and yet he could sense Ruby standing next to him, telling him he was better than this; reminding him it was in his nature to be a protector.
‘No, Ruby, you’re wrong,’ he whispered. ‘I didn’t protect you.’
He turned and made sure he had his back to the tree when he opened his eyes. He took a step, then another and another, until he broke into a run, but rather than find a clear path, Sam headed straight for a fir tree. He slammed his hand against its trunk, hitting it with enough force to propel him back in the direction he had just come. He used the momentum to jump over the railings and, before he could even catch his breath, he had the note in his hand.
To my Wishing Tree
Please please help me. My mum’s hurt and she won’t go to the hospital. Dad says she’s fine but I heard him crying. He’s scared and so am I and it’s all my fault. Mum says she fell but it wouldn’t have happened if Dad hadn’t been angry and he was angry cos of me.
I’m sorry I’m asking you this but I promise it’s going to be the last wish ever. I love my mum so much so don’t let her die and if you can’t do that then let me die too cos I don’t want to live with just my dad. I’m so so scared.
Your loving friend
Jasmine xxx
When someone knocked at the door, Laura’s first thought was to ignore whoever it was, but with Jasmine upstairs, there was always the chance she would answer it anyway. It took her longer than normal to get moving and she shuffled slowly down the hallway.
Laura opened the door only a crack and her gasp of surprise was a painful one. Sam had been the last person she had wanted to see even though he was never far from her thoughts. She had been torturing herself with fantasies of what life might be like if she had married someone like Sam instead of … ‘What are you doing here, Sam?’
Scratching his head, Sam said, ‘I’ve been worried about Jasmine not turning up to take Jasper for a walk. I just need to know that you’re both all right.’
‘We’re fine.’
Sam didn’t look convinced. ‘Can I come in?’
‘No,’ she said quickly, and then, ‘I’m sorry, Sam. Not now.’
‘Is Finn home?’
She was gripping the edge of the door and her hand trembled. ‘No,’ she whispered.
‘Please, Laura, let me in.’
‘But I told you, Sam, we’re fine,’ she said, sounding strong and resolute until the effect was lost when her voice cracked.
Sam inhaled deeply and the anxiety on his face deepened when he glanced over his shoulder at a spot further up the road. Her heart leapt into her throat. ‘What is it?’
‘The kids are playing on the road,’ he said. ‘I can’t see Jasmine with them.’
‘She’s upstairs in her room.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘What do you want, Sam?’ Laura asked impatiently.
‘Can I come in?’
Realizing there was as much to fear from Sam being spotted on her doorstep as there was from Finn arriving home to find him in the house, Laura’s only option was to let Sam in long enough to convince him to leave.
Slipping past her, Sam waited in the hallway and then watched her as she ushered him towards the living room. From her slow and deliberate movements, it was obvious that she was in pain, even though she was gritting her teeth so as not to let it show on her face. Sam didn’t take a seat but stood facing her while Laura remained by the living room door. She pulled at the sleeves of her cardigan, then wrapped one arm around her waist, her hand covering her left side to give gentle support to cracked ribs that made every breath painful. She rested her free hand on the door to keep herself steady.
Sam’s eyes swept across her body as if he could see every bruise, and when his gaze came to rest on her ashen face, she didn’t want him to ask again if she was all right, so she asked a question of her own. ‘What are you doing here, Sam?’
Sam put a hand over the breast pocket of his shirt. There was something inside, a piece of paper, and Laura thought he was about to take it out or at least make reference to it, but his response threw her completely.
‘I’ve broken up with Anna.’
‘Yes, she mentioned it to Finn. I’m sorry about that Sam, but …’ She stopped short of asking why he had felt it important to tell her. Could there be more to Sam’s feelings than pity?
Sam must have read her mind because he became flustered. ‘Anyway, I thought you ought to know that she said something to Finn about us meeting up in the park last week. Anna has a bit of jealous streak and she probably made it sound … oh, I don’t know, seedy I suppose. With Jasmine not coming back to see Jasper, I thought it might have caused trouble between you and Finn and I just wanted to apologize if it had.’ He glanced at the arm she was using to cover her ribs.
Laura had already assumed that was how Finn had found out. ‘I’m afraid it’s not the only thing Anna’s been telling him lately. He knows how your first meeting in the pub wasn’t accidental, or the invite to go on holiday, for that matter,’ Laura said with a weak smile that she hoped would tell Sam that she wasn’t offended or disturbed by the revelation. If anything, Sam had gone up in her estimation.
‘I’m sorry. I was only trying to help …’
‘I know, and none of this is your fault, Sam. I should have known better than to take Jasmine to meet you in the park, especially without telling Finn. Anna’s not the only one who can get jealous, but I guess you’ve already worked that out for yourself.’
‘I suppose he was angry.’
When Laura shrugged, it made her wince and tears sprang to her eyes. She looked over to the window where sunlight had broken briefly through the clouds to dance across the brilliant white voile. The warmth began to evaporate her tears, but all too soon the rays of sun disappeared and the world returned to grey.
‘What did he do, Laura?’
‘What he always does. He drank himself into oblivion.’ She stopped short of saying how he had taken her with him, or how painful the fall had been. She didn’t need to.
‘Did he hurt you?’
She recalled coming home the week before to find her daughter waiting at the door. Such a greeting should fill any mother with joy but for Laura there had been only dread. Finn had started screaming at her, repeating the threats and jibes she had already heard over the previous two nights, only this time Finn had given up all sense of restraint.
‘It started that night after we’d met in the park. Finn had gone to the pub after finding out his job was about to end.’
‘Where he bumped into Anna.’
‘He came home, steaming drunk, too drunk really to do anything more than make some pretty nasty threats. I didn’t argue with him,’ she said with a sad laugh. ‘I’ve learnt the hard way that there’s no point. I can’t hold a rational conversation with Finn when he’s like that and whatever I do say gets twisted, so I say nothing and wait for him to pass out.’
‘And is that what happened?’
As Laura held Sam’s gaze, she wondered if he had any idea of the effect that single look had on her. She felt protected, and for the first time in days her body relaxed until her cracked ribs made a stabbing reminder that she was anything but safe.
‘Yes, he passed out, that night at least, and the next day he just brooded. He had it in his head that we were going to meet you again on the Thursday and it was eating away at him. Our life is a bit like a line of dominoes and Finn’s always the first one to fall, but never the last. On Thursday he walked out on his job, or maybe he was fired, I don’t know and I don’t care. The net effect is the same.’ She exhaled slowly to keep herself calm and then said, ‘What I do know is that he was hellbent on coming home early to make sure neither of us went behind his back. I ended up sending Jasmine over to Natalie’s for a couple of nights until he had calmed down.’
‘You were frightened for her safety?’
Laura was shaking her head. ‘No, Sam, I don’t believe Finn would physically harm Jasmine,’ she said, although she couldn’t be so sure that there had been no emotional harm over the years. Laura tried her best not to let Jasmine see or hear anything that would upset her, and her neighbour was used to Jasmine turning up on her doorstep, especially of late. ‘I’ve told you: I would never let him touch her, not ever. I only send her away because I don’t like her witnessing the one-sided arguments that can go on for days until Finn’s fuse blows out.’
‘And how bad did it get before that happened?’
He was looking again at the way she held her left side and had the answer whether Laura was willing to reveal it or not.
‘Finn’s more dejected than angry now.’
‘Where is he? Out looking for work by any chance?’
‘Mayb
e,’ she said but even as she spoke, she knew she couldn’t fool Sam. ‘Or he’s drowning his sorrows. He’s in a dark place right now, Sam and he’ll stay there until he finds a reason to sober up. I’ve seen it before.’
‘And you’ll see it again, but I don’t need to tell you that, do I? He’ll make promises and he’ll be true to his word – until he finds a reason – or an excuse – to do all of those things he swore he’d never do again. That’s how it goes in abusive relationships, isn’t it?’ Sam glanced over Laura’s shoulder towards the stairs, as if he could see Jasmine cowering there while she listened to her parents fighting.
There was no mistaking the look of pity in Sam’s eyes now. Suddenly angry, she asked, ‘So you’re the expert now?’
‘No I’m not, thank God, but you are. So tell me I’m wrong, Laura. Tell me there won’t ever be another crisis or another reason for Finn to raise his fist to the world.’ He waited only a heartbeat. ‘Or raise his fist to you.’
Laura didn’t move except to pull her arm around her a fraction tighter. The anger had been fleeting; she was too exhausted to fight and even the tears she had been holding back won the day. She hated herself in that moment. She felt feeble and utterly worthless. Why couldn’t she have the courage to stand up to Finn? Perhaps if she did, her husband might respect her more, or maybe Sam would.
‘How badly are you hurt? Do you need medical treatment?’
‘It’s nothing. He didn’t hit me, Sam. We had a bit of a tussle, that’s all,’ she said as the first tear trickled down her cheek. She couldn’t admit, not even to Sam, how terrified she had been. That fear had been building since the night at the caravan when Finn had put his hands around her throat. She couldn’t be sure that if he had the chance to do it again, he might just squeeze the life out of her, and so for once she had fought back, if only a little. ‘I fell against the dressing table and I think I’ve cracked a rib. Finn helped bind it up.’
‘That was caring of him.’
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