Jasmine nodded.
‘Go and get dressed and I’ll make you some dry toast. It should settle your stomach.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ Jasmine told her. ‘Honest.’
The thin line of Laura’s mouth tightened and for a moment she tried to curve her lips into a smile but failed miserably. She swept her hand across her daughter’s cheek. ‘You’re a good girl.’
Jasmine was still upstairs shoving school books into her backpack when the front door opened then closed again. At first, panic set in when she thought her mum had left without her, and then fear bloomed when she realized it was her dad returning home. Jasmine could hear a mumbled exchange between them and decided to go onto the landing so she could hear better, but even as she started to move, she could hear Finn coming upstairs. She opened the door a crack.
‘You can piss off now, Laura. Go where the hell you like,’ Finn was saying in a sing-song voice that was slightly slurred. ‘Don’t you worry about Jasmine and me, we’ll be fine, just fine.’ He stumbled into his bedroom and then there were two thuds as he took off his shoes. The bed creaked and in no time at all he was snoring.
Jasmine had to think fast. She wanted to go back to the Wishing Tree and make another wish, only she wasn’t sure now what she should ask for. She couldn’t simply repeat her last wish – it was too late now, things were moving too fast. And even if she could think up something new, getting to the tree was going to be a challenge in itself and then it struck her. What if that was her wish? To escape once and for all. Could she run away on her own? Jasmine didn’t think so. She needed help, and given how all the humans in her life were letting her down, she was counting on a certain four-legged friend.
It didn’t take long for Jasmine to get ready, and when she left her bedroom, her school books were hidden beneath her bed out of sight to make room for some travel essentials in her backpack. She kissed her mum goodbye and tried not to dwell on how much she was going to hurt her, concentrating instead on the conviction that if Jasmine wasn’t there to worry about, her mum would be free to leave too.
On her way to Keira’s house, Jasmine turned to check that her mum had gone back inside. She had, and so Jasmine’s next challenge was to get past Natalie’s without anyone seeing her. She was hardly inconspicuous with her red polka-dot umbrella with Minnie Mouse ears, so she folded it up before shoving it in a nearby hedge where she hoped her friend would find it later – Keira always did like that umbrella and could have it as a keepsake of their friendship. Thankfully, Jasmine’s navy-blue jacket had a hood which she pulled over her head before crouching down and stepping out onto the road to use the parked cars as cover while sneaking past.
As she crept away, Jasmine asked herself what on earth she thought she was doing. She didn’t have an answer, not a proper one anyway, and knew she would end up in a lot of trouble if her dad ever caught up with her. But while Jasmine didn’t know where she was going, she was prepared for anything. In her backpack she had her pink notebook, her packed lunch, an extra jumper, half a packet of chocolate biscuits she had sneaked out of the kitchen when her mum wasn’t looking, and eight pounds and fifty-four pence for emergencies.
It was still scary stepping into the unknown, but when she turned the corner and headed towards the park, she felt surprisingly calm. The knot of tension was unravelling and the more distance she put between herself and home, the better she felt.
After leaving her note in the Wishing Tree, Jasmine left the park and turned right along Menlove Avenue towards the pedestrian crossing. It was rush hour and she didn’t want to draw attention to herself by darting across the busy road. As she waited at the traffic lights, Jasmine kept her head down and her hood up to conceal her face, imagining herself as a spy in the kind of films her dad liked to watch. She was on a secret mission.
Crossing the road, she could still feel the warmth of the bark after she had pressed her palm against the Wishing Tree and connected with her old friend. It had heard her wish, she was sure of it and now she was putting her plans into action.
Her hope was that Sam would already have left for work and she would only have Selina to worry about. The old lady might not let the dog out of the house in the rain, but Jasper would need a toilet break at some point. She would wait in the garden until her patience paid off. Her plans beyond that were fluid to say the least. She didn’t know how long it would take for anyone to notice she was missing. Natalie might assume she wasn’t going to school with them, and it wouldn’t be until the register was taken that anyone except Keira would notice she wasn’t in class. She hoped the school secretary wouldn’t ring her mum at work but if she did, Jasmine still had at least an hour before the alarm was raised.
As she approached Sam’s house, her legs began to feel a little wobbly. It might be the steep incline of the road or it could be nerves, which secret spies weren’t supposed to feel. She concentrated her mind on imagining what it would be like to be running free with Jasper somewhere. It was only when she reminded herself of all the walks she had taken with Nando that the next piece of the plan came together and she wondered how much a train ticket to Wales might be.
Suddenly pleased with herself, Jasmine stepped onto Sam’s driveway without hesitation or caution and was nearly knocked down by the red Mini reversing towards her. Hoping the driver hadn’t seen her, Jasmine darted into the evergreen bushes that bordered the front garden. She peered out again through the dense foliage of a holly bush which tore at her jacket sleeves while her school shoes dug into the sodden, muddy earth. The car had continued out of the drive but instead of moving off, the driver parked and got out.
‘I know you’re in there, young lady,’ Selina said.
Sam sat at the dining table with the paper square lying exactly where Selina had slammed it down the night before. The blinds were still drawn but the grey dawn had slowly revealed the intricate pattern on the paper; tiny rows of yellow primroses lined up in perfect symmetry across the forest green paper. His life was not so ordered, and since the call he had made handing in his notice with immediate effect, nor was it as busy.
Squeezing his eyes shut, he could still see the lines of primroses burning into the back of his eyelids. He heard the front door open and close downstairs, and a moment later Selina’s Mini reversing out of the drive. He stood up and went to the window, but refused to open the blinds and watch her leave. He wished they had been able to say goodbye properly and didn’t relish the idea of their argument festering over the vast distance he was about to put between them. Selina wasn’t getting any younger and there might never be another chance to make amends, but he had made his decision and there was no going back now.
Jasper had been dozing on an armchair, but seeing his master move for the first time in hours, he had scampered over and drew Sam’s attention away from the window. Crouching down, Sam rubbed his ears and watched the pup’s eyes roll in pleasure.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ he said.
Rather than weaken his resolve, the catch in his voice made him all the more determined. He was getting too attached – to everyone. Laura had made her decision, and although Sam’s misgivings were as strong as Selina’s, there was always a chance that Finn was capable of being a faithful husband, devoted father and reliable employee; a small chance, but a chance all the same. And it wasn’t his problem now. His holdall was full and the only other item left to pack away was Ruby’s shoebox. The nine hundred and ninety-nine paper cranes were back inside it but he had yet to decide on what to do with the green square of paper lying on the table. He had thrown out the paper birds for a reason; he no longer had the appetite for making wishes.
He was ready to leave and yet it felt wrong not telling someone he was going, someone who didn’t have four legs and doleful eyes. In the absence of Selina, there was only one other person and so he picked up his mobile and dialled quickly.
‘Sorry,’ was his opening remark.
‘Wow, this is getting to be a habit,’ Kirsten sa
id. ‘I can’t so much as get you to answer my calls and now you’ve called me. Twice in one year.’
‘Sorry,’ Sam repeated.
There was a long-drawn-out pause and Sam couldn’t be sure if Kirsten was wondering what to make of this latest contact from her ex-husband or if she was simply finding somewhere private to talk. He thought he heard movement and imagined Kirsten mouthing an apology to her new husband. He had seen her do the same to him often enough.
‘Have I called at a bad time?’ he asked.
‘No, but you’re lucky you caught me. We’re waiting for the taxi to take us to the airport. We’re off to the Maldives.’
Realizing Kirsten was about to set off on her honeymoon, Sam considered ending the call there and then, but Kirsten had other ideas. ‘OK, Sam, tell me what’s going on.’
‘I just thought I’d let you know that I’m moving on.’
‘You’re … Sorry, Sam, are we talking figuratively here?’
Sam’s laugh was hollow. ‘No, not in that way. I mean I’m leaving Liverpool.’
‘And going where?’ There was a pause, and even though Kirsten couldn’t see him, she sensed the shrug of his shoulders. ‘You’re running away again, aren’t you? Does this have something to do with your new girlfriend? Anna, isn’t it?’
‘No, I can honestly say it has nothing to do with her and, for the record, she’s my ex-girlfriend.’
‘Then what are you running away from?’
Sam put his hand on top of the shoebox, his fingers warming to the touch of four letters that he had watched his daughter cut out while her tongue poked out of the corner of her mouth. ‘I thought …’ he began, then stopped. He had never really opened up to Kirsten about Ruby. He had been happy enough to listen but not to talk about his own feelings and he didn’t think he could do it now, but then why had he phoned? ‘I thought I could do it, Kirsten. I thought I could put it behind me and start afresh like you.’
‘Like me?’ Kirsten repeated and he sensed her bristling. ‘Is that what you think I’ve done, Sam? Do you think by getting remarried and giving my future to someone new that I’m letting Ruby go? Do you think that’s how it works? Really?’
‘No … I don’t know …’
He was at a loss and didn’t know what to say next so went with what his heart told him. ‘I miss her, Kirsten. I miss her so much that it kills me a little more every day and I think I’ve reached the point where I’m not even living any more.’ He took a deep, juddering breath as he questioned again what he was doing telling his ex-wife all of this. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I shouldn’t have phoned. I had no right to drag you into this mess.’
‘You’re not dragging me into anything, Sam,’ Kirsten said. ‘Back when Ruby died I never felt more alone, wondering why I was barely able to function while you hadn’t even spilled a tear. This mess, as you call it, has been around for a long time: I’ve just been waiting for you to let me know you were in the middle of it too.’
‘But it’s been six years, Kirsten.’
‘Oh, Sam,’ she whispered. ‘I wish you’d gone with me to see the bereavement counsellor when you had the chance. If you had, maybe you wouldn’t be where you are now. He made me realize that there are a lot of hurdles to jump over before you can start putting your life back together. One is accepting that the life you’re rebuilding isn’t going to look anything like the one you once planned. Another is to accept that, despite that, you can still allow yourself to be happy. But those are just the obvious ones; there are plenty more hurdles and some you don’t see until you wake up one morning and run straight into them. Do you know what I think your problem is?’ She didn’t wait for an answer. ‘You’re stuck at that very first hurdle, Sam. You want to get over your grief. You want to get over losing Ruby, our sweet, precious baby, but you can’t. And do you want to know why you can’t?’
‘I have a feeling you’re going to tell me,’ Sam said. It was a flippant remark, but in his mind Sam was counting on Kirsten to tell him where he was going wrong.
‘Because it doesn’t exist. I haven’t got over losing Ruby and I never will. I’ve survived the last six years by taking her with me, by making her a part of my new life, and I don’t just mean in my heart and my memories. I’d like to think it’s Ruby pushing me on to do things I never would have attempted or even thought of if she hadn’t been a part of my life.’
‘But I don’t deserve a new life, especially not a happy one! It’s my fault she died, Kirsten.’
‘What do you want me to say, Sam? That I don’t blame you? Of course I do!’ Kirsten said, keeping her voice as low as her sudden anger would allow. ‘You could have picked her up from school that afternoon, but then so could I. We both have to live with the knowledge that if we had taken different decisions then Ruby would still be alive and that eats me up too. But do you know what? I hope it always will, because that’s what I deserve and it’s what you deserve too.’
Sam’s ex-wife’s hurtful words were wet with tears and he wished he could reach out and hold her. She must have sensed it because her voice softened again. ‘The pain we feel is the price we pay for having had our beautiful angel in our lives and it reminds us how much she was surely loved. We were good parents, Sam. We’re good people, and despite all that pain and guilt, we also deserve to feel good about ourselves again.’
After a long pause, Sam said, ‘There is someone … was someone I thought maybe I could build a new life with if only I’d been brave enough, if she’d been brave enough, but it’s complicated. I think she wants me to save her, Kirsten. I think she needs me to save her but …’ Sam closed his eyes and tried to summon an image of Laura and Jasmine but they had all but disappeared. ‘I can’t do it. Caring too much about someone is a risk I can’t take. I just can’t.’
‘I won’t tell you what to do, Sam,’ Kirsten said. ‘All I will say is that if Ruby taught us anything it’s that life is precious. Don’t waste your chances. You really should talk to someone.’
‘I’m talking to you.’
‘A professional, Sam,’ she answered sternly. ‘Don’t waste your life, for Ruby’s sake.’
Kirsten couldn’t see him shaking his head, but she knew when to stop pushing. The next step was for Sam to take alone and to his surprise, instead of picking up his car keys, he picked up his running shoes and Jasper’s leash.
They started off at a slow jog so Jasper could work out for himself that this was a pace he was expected to maintain. At first the pup alternated between trying to run ahead and trailing behind until Sam corrected him with a tug on the leash.
Sam cut through the park without so much as a passing glance at the Allerton Oak. He would normally continue south across Liverpool until he reached the river and then turn east or west. The destination had never been important to Sam, his only goal was running until he felt completely spent, at which point he would work out a route home. But Jasper’s stamina would not allow such an epic journey today and perhaps that was why Sam had brought him along. Despite his ex-wife’s wise advice he was still planning on reserving enough strength to begin another journey that day, one that would have no return leg.
He deliberately avoided the area where the Petersons lived and after about half an hour they reached Springwood. Sam was only just warming up but he slowed to a walking pace as they diverted through the cemetery which would eventually bring them back onto Menlove Avenue.
Sam wasn’t one for visiting cemeteries and had never understood why Kirsten had gone over at least once a week to visit Ruby’s grave. He refused to accept that a headstone could ever replace his daughter’s physical presence. It wasn’t the kind of mark he had expected her to stamp on the world. Sam had said his last goodbye when he and her uncles had carried Ruby’s coffin into the crematorium and had spent the rest of the day comforting distraught family members while trying not to think about the flames that would reduce her young, broken body to ashes and remove any last hope of seeing her face again. He could spend the rest
of his life staring at that piece of granite etched with his daughter’s name but he wouldn’t find her there. She was gone.
And yet now, as he walked amongst the graves, he felt an unexpected sense of calm. There were other visitors going quietly about their business, each one immersed in their own private moment of reflection, unaware of Sam’s presence as decaying bouquets were replaced with fresh flowers, fallen leaves were swept away and gravestones were polished, patted and kissed.
Sam spied a water tap and waited patiently for an old man to finish filling up a plastic bottle. He had a bunch of flowers under his arm which Sam guessed would be for his wife’s grave. The man took as much care filling the bottle as he might have once done with a kettle to make a pot of tea for the two of them.
After the man had left, Sam cupped water in his hand and let Jasper lap it up greedily. ‘Don’t worry; you won’t have to do this again. I can’t imagine Selina dragging you out on a run any time soon.’
When the dog looked up, his tail drooped as if he understood what he was being told. The guilt Sam was trying to escape had caught up with him and, rather than hurry back to the apartment, he took a seat on a bench. The name engraved on it matched the headstone of the loving husband and father buried a few feet away. Although he felt as if he were imposing, Sam bowed his head, closed his eyes and, to his surprise, allowed himself to remember what it had felt like to have those labels.
There was only a moment of trepidation where Sam feared he would be pulled back towards memories too chilling even for his nightmares: walking into a sterile room to see his daughter’s crumpled body hooked up to machines that would keep her alive that little bit longer; or God forbid, the time he and Kirsten had held onto Ruby as if their own body heat could stop the coolness of death enveloping their precious child.
But as the harsh wind bit at his neck, freezing the sweat on his back, Sam felt warmth flood his heart as he recalled memories of happier times that had also been locked away; Ruby toddling towards him and wrapping her chubby arms around his neck; watching as she tried on her mum’s shoes and lipstick and thinking how his baby was growing up too fast; and walking with her through the forest as she absorbed everything her dad was telling her about the flora and fauna, not to mention the woodland’s more magical inhabitants with their toadstools and fairy dust. The memories just kept coming. Ruby playing football and scoring a goal before taking a lap of honour; Ruby’s first day at high school; holding Ruby’s hand tightly as he walked between queuing traffic instead of teaching her to use the pedestrian crossing …
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