The lighter circled the air like a firebug.
If it touched Dad, they’d both burn.
I breathed in through my nose, out through my mouth. I had to get my thoughts straight; I had to make a plan. Sam was in front of Dad, as if strapped to his chest. I had to get Dad away from Sam, if only for a few seconds.
I inched closer to the road. Mum was panting, whispering, Kane, Kane. There was no one but me, Dad and Sam. I focused ahead, eyes on the lighter.
‘I’m the one who called the cops that night.’
‘Don’t come closer!’ He held the light inches from Sam’s face.
I paused. ‘I’m the one who got you arrested.’
Sam looked like a rag doll in Dad’s arms. His head was bent as if all that was left was skin and bones. ‘Hang in there, bud,’ I whispered, hoping he would hear. ‘Hang in there.’
‘You think I believe that? Don’t you think I know your mum’s got it in for me?’
‘I told the cops everything you did.’ My heart raced. What if it backfired? What if he hurt Sam because of me? I took another step. I couldn’t stand and do nothing. ‘I told them about all the years. Why do you think they gave you an intervention order? Charged you with assault?’
‘Stop. Kane. Stop!’ Mum was behind me, holding my arm. I shrugged it off. Pushed her back. I had to give it a go. Had to try. I had to save Sam.
Dad’s eyes were glazed. ‘You’ll never beat me, Kane,’ he said. ‘You’re not half the man I was at your age.’ He laughed and Sam’s head dropped forward.
On. Off.
People shuffled and sucked in their breath.
Just a second. That was all I needed. One second, one distraction.
Dad didn’t loosen his grip on Sam. ‘Your mum’s all yours now.’
‘Aaaaaarghhhh!’ The roar was so loud it made Dad jump.
‘What the fuck?’ Dad turned towards the noise. His hand loosened and Sam sagged against his body, shivering.
Mr Bailey charged down the street in his jocks, his hands pointed like guns. ‘Fiiiiiight!’ he yelled.
I bolted towards Sam. Dad swung around, held the lighter to his petrol-drenched shirt. He went up in flames as I threw Sam out of the way. ‘You bastard!’ he said, grabbing my arm as fire blazed through me.
The dragon came and breathed lots of fire.
It burned my arm and I couldn’t see. My breaths choked me and there were noises like Donkey’s in Shrek but it was far away. I screamed coz the fire was hot and the dragon hissed.
Sam …
The flames were red and orange and hurt my skin!
Sam … baby …
The black clouds came and I couldn’t see. ‘Nooooo!’
‘Sam!’
My eyes felt stuck with glue. I was scared to open them.
‘Sam, baby, Mummy’s here. You’re okay.’
‘M … mum?’ I peeked and Mum was sitting on my bed but this wasn’t my room coz it was all white and a machine was making loud noises. Mum cried and kissed my fingers one by one.
‘You’re okay, baby.’
‘There was a dragon …’
‘It was a dream.’ She was crying again. ‘It can’t touch you.’
The dragon was gone but my hand hurt like it was in hot water.
‘Kane!’ I tried to sit but Mum said shhh, shhh it’s okay, he’s okay, and showed me. Kane was sleeping in a bed next to mine. His arms had big white bandages and there was one around his head like Leonardo’s.
I cried coz it was my fault he was hurt and Mum said no, it was the big bad dragon’s but he’s far away and Kane’s a hero like the Ninja Turtles!
When Kane woke up he made a noise like he had lost his voice. Mum went to him and kissed his good cheek and he cried and then laughed and I said Kane! And his voice croaked like a frog and he said, ‘Bud, we are gonna be scarred coz we were the bravest,’ and he laughed and cried and laughed again.
Mrs Aslan came to visit with Ada and made my face wet with big kisses. She said Ziya missed me and I had to get well soon because he wanted to live with me now! Ada smiled and in her hands were five balloons. Red, yellow, blue, green and purple. She tied them to my bed and they floated in the air. Ada got Kane a fireman bear and said he’d make a good one and he said thanks but he was done playing with fire and everyone laughed.
Mum smiled and I untied my balloons and they floated up, up, up till they reached the ceiling, but the black clouds came again and the dragon hissed and I covered my ears.
Sam was discharged yesterday. Mum gave him a shower to wash off the piss that soaked his sheets.
‘I wanna stay here with you!’ Sam said, his hair dripping wet. He hugged me and cried when he accidentally touched my aching chest. It had caught on fire when I punched Dad’s burning face with my free arm and he fell back onto the concrete.
‘Bud, the doctor said I’ll be out soon. You need to be home to make sure Mum doesn’t finish all the chocolate we got as presents!’ He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. His small arm was bandaged. It got burned when I pushed him away from Dad. Sicelo’s dad Njabulo was there with a blanket and stopped the fire from spreading. If it wasn’t for him … the thought made me shiver.
Mum hugged Njabulo yesterday when he came to visit with his family. He got so embarrassed he stuttered and nearly tripped over a chair.
It was lunchtime and the ward stank like cabbage and coffee. The room was empty except for one girl whose bed was opposite mine. She was eating a bowl of spaghetti. It dribbled down her chin. She didn’t say a word when the nurses changed the bandages on her legs in the afternoon, just looked at me straight in the eye, swallowing the pain.
I sat up slowly. My stomach throbbed. It felt like knives were peeling off what was left of my skin. My lunch tray sat on the table and I pulled it towards me. My hands were burned and I couldn’t move them much except to pick at food with my fingers. After I knocked Dad down I fell to the ground and someone hosed me down with water as Dad’s screaming filled the street.
‘Hey, Zuko.’ Ada walked in carrying a few bags. She sat at the end of my bed, her eyes smudged black.
‘Zuko? What planet is that from?’
‘It’s an anime character, genius.’
‘What’s with you and that cartoon shit?’
‘It’s a shame your brain didn’t melt.’ She scrunched up her face. ‘Anyway, Zuko is a Firebender. He controls fire.’
‘And I remind you of him because,’ I lifted my blistered hand, ‘I did such a great job of controlling the flames I have second-degree burns?’
She emptied a bag of junk food onto the bed. ‘He has a scar over his left eye.’ She leaned in and analysed my bandaged cheek like I was a science experiment. ‘But your scar’s going to be bigger.’
I waved her away and cringed at the pain. ‘Yeah, thanks.’
‘Zuko’s brave, Kane. Crazy, but brave. Not a lot of people would’ve done what you did.’
I stared at the chips and chocolate bars. ‘Is this my reward for scarring my brother?’
She tsked like Mrs Aslan. ‘You did more than anyone there!’
‘I should’ve run faster.’ I should have run the second Mr Bailey screamed. It was lucky Ahmed got to him first and carried him out of there or Mr Bailey would have burned too.
‘Sam’s alive, Kane. So are you.’
I looked up.
Her lips were wrinkled. ‘Is … ah, your dad …’
‘Still in intensive care.’
A nurse came in to top up the drip.
‘I don’t think he needs any more drugs,’ Ada said, digging into a bag of Twisties.
The nurse smiled and her eyes surveyed the junk food. The top button of her white shirt was undone and her chest was covered with freckles.
‘It’s to keep my fluids up,’ I said, ‘so the burns don’t suck me dry.’
‘Pervert,’ Ada whispered as the nurse walked away.
‘What?’ I tried to flick a chip at her but it fell in my lap.
‘You wagging school for me?’
‘Nah. Had a free period. Thought you might need some entertainment.’ She took a laptop out of a bag. ‘If you’re stuck here you might as well do it in style. I’ve got a lot of movies on this. I brought headphones too.’
‘Thanks. It’s been three days and I’m losing my shit.’
‘At least you’re not the school joke.’
‘How bad is it?’
She shrugged. ‘A girl in my class asked me out yesterday. “Heard you swing the other way,” she said. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.’
‘Where is she taking you?’
‘Shut up!’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Mum says they’re so up themselves they won’t give a shit about me for too long.’
There was a knock at the door and Joy came inside. I held my breath. She wore green tights and a red shirt.
‘Can … I come in?’ she said.
‘Sure.’ Ada grabbed her bag. She eyed Joy up and down. ‘Nice style. I’m Ada.’
‘Ah … thanks. I’m Joy. Nice to meet you.’
‘You too. I’m going. You’re on shift now. Good luck.’
‘Smartarse,’ I said, and Ada put her thumbs up behind Joy’s back. My face burned even more.
Joy pulled up a chair. The light hit the blue streaks in her hair and made her shine.
‘How’d you know I was here?’
‘They mentioned something at school and then I saw the report on the news. They’re calling you the miracle boys. How are you feeling?’ Her lips trembled when she looked at my face.
‘It’s not as bad as it looks … Hey, it’s fine. You don’t have to stay if—’
‘You’re an idiot.’ She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, touched the tips of my fingers. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
Mum sat on my bed, her nose red, her hair loose around her face. Tears rolled down her cheeks and onto the sheets. I moved Ada’s laptop and took out my headphones.
‘What’s up, Mum?’
‘He’s gone,’ she said.
My throat tightened. ‘When?’
‘Last night. It’s over.’ She buried her face in her good hand. ‘It’s over.’
I waited for happiness to come but it didn’t show. All I felt was my skin crawling as I remembered Dad’s screams. ‘How’s Sam?’
Mum straightened up on the bed. ‘I lit a candle yesterday and the flame freaked him out so badly he wet himself in the middle of the lounge room.’ She let out a long breath that hunched her shoulders. ‘I’ve made him an appointment with the hospital’s mental health clinic.’
‘Do we have the cash?’
‘It’s a free service. And you don’t have to worry about that anymore. I got a job looking after Mr Bailey. Katie came past yesterday. She asked me to help him out when she’s at work, make sure he takes the medication the doctor prescribed.’ Mum closed her eyes, let out a long breath. ‘We are going to be okay.’
We are going to be okay. Her words loosened the tears that were stuck in my throat and I sobbed, my cheek on Mum’s shoulder.
‘Mrs White?’
Mum stood up as two cops walked into the room. ‘Yes.’
‘I’m Senior Constable Fiona Smith and this is Constable Luke Ryan. We’re here to ask your son a few questions about the incident with your deceased husband.’
‘Sure, but can’t it wait? My son’s been through a lot. He’s still recovering—’
‘It’s okay, Mum.’ I wiped my face slowly with the back of my hand.
The lady cop nodded and sat in a chair in front of me. The man sat next to her and Mum stood at the end of the bed. A machine beeped on the other side of the room. Someone laughed outside like a witch’s cackle.
‘Kane,’ the lady cop said. ‘It’s important for us to get the full story to help us with this investigation. Take us back to the start, to your relationship with your father, everything leading up to the incident a few days ago.’
Mum nodded. She gripped the bed railing till her knuckles turned white.
I straightened up. My chest burned as if stung by a thousand bees. ‘My dad …’ I swallowed, didn’t know where to start. ‘My dad was … he wasn’t right. He beat Mum ever since I was a kid.’ The words sped out of my mouth and I was back in the kitchen with Dad who was throwing plates but missing, Sam hiding in his room, Mum lying on the floor. It was distant, like a movie. I told them about Mr Bailey’s dash, throwing Sam out of the way, the flames and Dad holding on, trying to take me with him. ‘He wouldn’t let go so I punched him.’
‘Where exactly?’ the guy cop said. He leaned forward with his notepad and pen, his sharp nose sniffing the air.
‘I don’t know. Nose? Cheek? Didn’t have time to think with my body on fire. I had to make him let go.’
When the cops left, Mum went outside to give her statement. They were getting witness statements from half our street. A hundred different stories about us and Dad. It was the last time any of them would gather in front of our house. The show was over. I put my headphones in and reached for the laptop. I pressed play on an anime film and moved my head slowly to the beat of an electric guitar. My chest stung but it was worth it. Dad’s voice buzzed in my head. You’re not half the man I was. I cranked up the volume. At least he got that right.
It’s impossible to keep acknowledgements short when there’s a mountain of people that have helped breathe life into this book. To Kate Whitfield, Jodie Webster, Eva Mills, and the rest of the team at Allen and Unwin, thank you for your enthusiasm, support and direction that transformed this story into a book.
To my agent Clare Forster, your wisdom and direction throughout the years has been invaluable. Thank you for believing in me and my work.
To the Big Fish Writers Group, Sherryl Clark and Lucia Nardo, without you, this book would be a string of ideas and messy words.
Thank you to the wonderful Clan Destine Writers Group for the chats, scones and inspiration, especially Vikki Petraitis and Leigh Redhead who helped me iron out key scenes.
To my family and friends, Seren Var, Sanem Yunluel, Angelina Mirabito, Emilie Collyer, Tracey Rolfe, thank you for the chats and for not ignoring my anxious texts, panicked calls and hundreds of questions.
I completed a draft of this novel at Varuna, the house of magic, as part of a Residential Fellowship. I am forever grateful for the space, friendships and delicious food!
To Mum, Dad, Nüvit, Buket, Jenny, Stan, Stacey, Winston, Christina, Arzu, Asli, I couldn’t have asked for a better cheer squad.
A decade ago, when I only had the spark of a dream and a handful of words to my name, a friend called me and said ‘every time I pass a bookstore I look out for your novel in the window’. Jerome, thank you for waiting for me. I couldn’t have written this book without you, my love.
Demet Divaroren is the co-editor of the CBCA shortlisted Coming of Age: Growing up Muslim in Australia. Demet was born in Adana, Turkey, and migrated to Australia with her family when she was six months old. She teaches creative writing at Victoria Polytechnic and writes fiction and nonfiction exploring life, love and the complexities of human emotions. Demet lives in Melbourne with her husband. Visit her at www.demetdivaroren.com
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