"Oh my God,” Jamie crowed. “There was something. I can see it in your face. Come on. Tell me about him. Did anything happen, or was it just teenage longing confined to the pages of your secret diary?"
Embarrassment made Brendan terse. “What is this, your mission in Seattle? To delve into my past to find out why I'm so fucked up now and then make fun of it?"
The smile fell away from Jamie's face. “No. I'm sorry, Bren. I was being flip. That's what I do, you know? I make fun of stuff to keep it light.” He reached across the table and touched Brendan's hand. “I'm sorry. I actually really want to know. I want to understand how someone can go through their life without ever connecting to such a basic part of themselves.
"What we shared, what we experienced during the blizzard—it was more than just three horny, scared guys trying to distract themselves from their situation. It was definitely more for Tuck and for me, but I think it was more for you too. I know it was.
"That's why I came to see you, Brendan. I need to understand. Even if nothing more comes of this than that, I have to know who you are—who the guy is who fell into our hearts in so short a time and then just ... disappeared."
Brendan said nothing. Jamie continued. “Was what we shared just an aberration in your mind? Deviant behavior engaged in to stave off the fear of death? Something to be shoved under the rug with the rest of your unacceptable experiences and feelings once you made it safely home? Don't you owe it to us to at least explain yourself?"
Brendan hung his head, tears again pushing behind his eyes. Damn it, he was most certainly not going to cry in a restaurant. He looked up into Jamie's face. “I don't know what I owe to whom. I don't know what I feel. Maybe that's the real issue for me. I've never known how to connect with my feelings. How to accept them without analyzing the crap out of them and judging myself and trying to push everything into neat, acceptable slots like vials in a science lab, each in its proper place."
Again the tears rose, hot and heavy behind his eyes. Brendan pressed his fingers to his eyelids.
"Hey, I'm sorry.” Jamie's voice was kind. “I don't want to upset you again. That's not my intention. I really want to understand. You done eating? Maybe we could go back to your place and talk some more. Would that be okay?"
Brendan dropped his hands and smiled at Jamie. “Why do I feel like the kid here?"
"Probably just my superior intellect. I have that effect on people. Don't feel bad.” Jamie laughed and Brendan laughed with him. He hadn't laughed in a long time. It felt good.
* * * *
"You look beat.” They had returned to Brendan's place and were seated, facing one another, on the sofa.
Jamie yawned. His eyes felt like they were full of sand. “I am. I only slept a few hours last night. I was too keyed up, I guess. I probably should sleep some before I head back.” The thought of the twelve or thirteen hour motorcycle ride down to Monterey did not appeal.
"When do you have to go? I don't want you to go."
Jamie smiled. “I don't want to go either, but I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow.” He looked at his watch. “Even if I left now and rode straight through, I wouldn't make it home till eleven. And I really can't sit on that damn cycle for more than four hours without some kind of break, so it'll be more like one a.m."
"Well, that's just crazy. You can't possibly do that, especially on no sleep. You're just going to have to call in sick. You don't want to risk your life for a damn job, do you?"
"No. But I've only been there a year, you know. I'm still the new kid on the block."
"Well, I'm sure they'll forgive you for calling in sick one time. I want you to stay a while longer. Please?"
"How can I resist you?” Jamie leaned toward Brendan, expecting at least a kiss.
Instead Brendan stood, offering something even better. “Let's lie down so you can rest. We can continue our conversation from the diner. You know, the one where I shed light on why I'm such a repressed fuckup.” He laughed lightly, though Jamie saw the pain in his eyes. “I'm sure I'll bore you sufficiently that you'll be asleep in no time."
Jamie followed Brendan into the bedroom, his cock nudging in his jeans even though Brendan's offer was platonic. He was incredibly tired, his eyelids drooping and his concentration wandering, despite his best efforts to remain alert.
The bed felt wonderful, especially after the lumpy, uncomfortable motel mattress and the hours hunched over his cycle. He stretched and sighed with contentment. “I could get used to this."
Brendan lay down beside him. They were both fully clothed. Jamie sensed Brendan wanted to talk some more. He'd begun to talk again while driving back from the diner, speculating aloud about why he never quite connected in the serious relationships he'd had during his life. He hadn't been especially surprised to hear Brendan had been involved with a woman since their return from Antarctica. He guessed he was more surprised that Brendan had ended it. Hearing this gave him his first real spark of hope. But he needed to hear more, to understand more about the nature of their relationship and the breakup. How did Brendan define himself now? Was he still merely curious, or was he finally ready to admit to something more?
To give him an opening, Jamie offered, “You were talking about Lynn. About her accusation that you would never be ready for a committed relationship. Do you think that's true, or do you think you've just been looking in the wrong place."
"You know, if you'd shown up one week earlier, I might have thought she was right—that I was just a fucked-up, closed-off asshole who was never going to connect with anyone on a meaningful level. I'd blown it with every other woman I'd ever been involved with. It honestly never occurred to me I was looking in the wrong place, as you put it. Not till..."
"Not till...” Jamie prompted.
"Till I met Tuck last year. But even then, even then I denied it to myself. I was scared of my own intense reaction to him. To his physical presence, to his sensuality. Even when I finagled his invitation to the research team, I managed to convince myself we were just friends."
"But you loved him already, didn't you?” Jamie whispered the words, not sure himself how they made him feel. Would he always be jealous of the special bond Brendan and Tuck had forged before he ever came on the scene?
"Yeah.” The word was ripe with emotion, conveying longing and loss, coupled with a kind of awe.
Jamie had been lying on his back, Brendan likewise beside him. He rolled toward Brendan now, aware what a monumental admission this was for him. “He loves you too, you know. I wasn't lying before."
Brendan turned toward him, his expression at once hopeful and fearful. “He told you that?"
"Yeah. Not in so many words, but yeah. Wanna see something?” Jamie reached into his back pocket and withdrew his wallet. He opened it and extracted the wrinkled, folded piece of paper he'd put there the day before. He handed it to Brendan.
Brendan opened the paper and scanned it. He looked at Jamie with a question on his face.
"Tuck did that. Just like in junior high. Your name, over and over. He doesn't know I found it. I'd say it's proof you're on his mind, wouldn't you agree?"
Brendan stared at the crumpled page, smoothing it against his leg. He was smiling, that open, sunny smile that turned him from merely handsome to heart-stoppingly gorgeous. “Can I ... uh, can I have this?"
Jamie laughed. “Sure. Keep it. I guess I brought it for you."
Brendan carefully folded the paper until it was a small, neat square. He pushed it into his back pocket and reached for Jamie.
Jamie rolled into his arms and Brendan held him tight. It felt good. As much as he loved Tuck, it felt good to reconnect with Brendan. “Hey,” he murmured against Brendan's neck. “I missed you. Not just Tuck. Me. I've missed you so much."
Brendan held him tighter. “Me too. Me too, Jamie. More than you'll ever know."
Jamie relaxed for the first time since he'd made the rash decision to come to Seattle. There was hope—real hope—flaring up insi
de him like a warm, engulfing flame. He closed his eyes, fatigue rolling over him, dragging him, despite his best efforts, into a much-needed sleep. Giving in, he closed his eyes and slipped away.
Jamie drifted in and out of a languorous sleep. Tuck's hands felt wonderful, massaging his back, strong fingers kneading into muscle. Tuck's hands moved lower, slipping into Jamie's jeans. He cupped Jamie's ass cheeks. Jamie sighed with pleasure and snuggled against Tuck's warm, bare chest. The curling chest hair was soft against his cheek and he rubbed it like it was a baby's blanket.
Tuck doesn't have chest hair.
Jamie opened his eyes, suddenly recalling where he was and who he was with. Those were Brendan's hands pulling him close. Brendan's cock pressing hard against him. He nuzzled again against Brendan's chest and reached down, finding the zipper on Brendan's jeans.
Brendan shifted back, allowing him to open them. He in turn reached for Jamie's fly. Without speaking, they pushed down denim, pushed up cotton, tugged and shifted until they both lay naked, on their sides facing one another.
The bedroom was drenched in a warm, butterscotch light from the sun shining through closed blinds. “How long was I sleeping?"
"About an hour.” Brendan smiled shyly at Jamie. “I didn't mean to wake you.” He fingered the pendant at Jamie's throat. “What's this? Oh, it's a snake. Like your tattoo."
"Yeah. Tuck got it for me for my birthday."
Brendan fingered the jeweled snake. “It's beautiful.” Jamie saw the pain in his eyes. He understood the loss Brendan must feel from his self-imposed exile. They had moved on without him and he knew it.
To distract Brendan as much as anything, Jamie wrapped his hand around Brendan's cock, which had remained hard despite his sorrow. Brendan drew in his breath and ducked his head. After a moment he in turn curled his fingers around Jamie's shaft.
They massaged one another, matching strokes, sighing their mutual pleasure. After several minutes, Jamie leaned his face close to Brendan's ear. “I want to taste you."
"Jamie.” Brendan bit his lip, his eyes closed, his cheeks tinting. Jamie found himself moved by the older man's shyness but obvious desire. He let go of Brendan's cock and twisted himself on the bed until he was upside down, his mouth poised at Brendan's groin, his own cock near Brendan's face.
He licked a ring around the crown before taking the hard, hot shaft between his lips. Brendan moaned his approval. Jamie licked his way down until his nose met the soft down of Brendan's pubic hair.
"Whatever you're doing, it's fucking amazing.” Brendan groaned, pressing his face against Jamie's stomach, so far ignoring his erect cock. Jamie focused on pleasing Brendan, on drawing those sexy moans from his lips. He milked the shaft with his throat muscles until Brendan was panting, his hips swiveling.
Jamie pulled back from Brendan's cock long enough to say, “Take me in your mouth.” It wasn't a request. He needed to feel Brendan's tongue and lips on his cock. Brendan obeyed, licking tentatively over the head and then taking the shaft partway into his mouth. He gripped the base of the shaft and drew his hand up to meet his lips.
"Yes, yes. That's it.” Jamie lowered himself again, taking Brendan's length as he went. Brendan kept his lips around Jamie's cock. Jamie began to thrust. Brendan gagged but held on, which turned Jamie on. While he felt completely submissive with Tuck, something about the novice Brendan brought out a certain dominance in him.
Reaching down, he grabbed Brendan's head, holding him in position as he guided his shaft deeper into Brendan's mouth. At the same time, he kept Brendan's cock deep in his throat, pulling back only long enough to catch a breath before impaling himself once again.
Spasms shuddered through Brendan's body. Jamie could feel them in his own body, as if the two of them were directly connected by some kind of erotic kinetic force. When Brendan began to ejaculate, Jamie's body followed his lead. He held Brendan's head, not permitting him to pull back while he thrust and spurt into his captive mouth.
Only when he was completely spent did he release Brendan's head, allowing him to fall back against the mattress. He, too, released Brendan's cock and scooted back around so they were again face-to-face.
A trickle of semen glistened at the corner of Brendan's mouth. Jamie leaned forward and licked it away.
Brendan's eyes were pure gray in the suffused light of the room. “Whoa.” Brendan shook his head.
"Whoa?"
"Yeah. As in, whoa, that was amazing."
Jamie smiled. “I wasn't too rough? Making you swallow?"
"That was pretty intense. I'm not used to being out of control like that. Maybe it's what I need, though."
"Yeah. I understand.” He did understand, completely. Brendan, even more so than himself, was used to controlling every aspect of his world. He liked to break things down in a lab, solve riddles, answer questions and then write it all up in neat, comprehensive reports.
Sex wasn't like that. It could be messy, even dangerous. There was a risk when you put yourself out there. He'd taken a risk coming to Brendan. Brendan had taken a risk in accepting him.
All at once Jamie understood he'd done the right thing by coming alone. If Tuck had come it would have been about him, about him and Brendan. Jamie would have been on the sidelines, no matter how much the other two tried to include him.
He recognized he hadn't ridden all this way just to confront Brendan and force him to own up to his behavior. He'd come for himself. To prove something to himself. Because what he'd just shared with Brendan had nothing to do with Tuck.
Yes, Tuck was still there, hovering in each of their hearts, but by meeting Brendan alone, by confronting him on his own terms, Jamie had learned something important. He wasn't just Tuck's consolation prize, or someone Brendan had tolerated during the blizzard in order to be near the true object of his desire.
No, in coming here alone Jamie had proven to himself he was part of the three, as important in their romantic triangle as either of the other two. The realization gave him a new sense of power and release. Jealousy no longer had a place in his heart.
He reached for Brendan, drawing him into a tight embrace. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thanks for letting me in on my own terms. Thanks for taking the chance."
"Thanks for giving me the chance."
[Back to Table of Contents]
Chapter Seventeen
"Hey, Tuck, what brings you to the fourth floor? Trying to steal my latest breakthrough?” Paul Holmes, who ran the lab where Jamie conducted most of his research, slapped Tuck on the back with a guffaw. He and Tuck engaged in a good-natured rivalry between labs, though Tuck suspected Paul took the competition for publishable results far more seriously than he did, and that his glib bonhomie was less than sincere.
Though he'd told Jamie he wouldn't be home until late Monday evening, in fact he had left very early that morning, hoping to surprise Jamie in the lab and take him to lunch. He'd missed him to distraction over the seemingly endless weekend. He'd almost left the night before, and would have except for various family events he felt obligated to attend.
"I was here to see Jamie Hunter. Is he around?"
Paul assumed a mock scowl. “Don't tell me he's the mole who's been leaking our State secrets to the enemy.” Tuck offered a thin smile and took a step forward into the large lab, hoping to find Jamie himself. Paul moved forward, partially blocking his way. “Actually Jamie is out sick today."
Tuck frowned. He'd talked to Jamie the night before and he hadn't mentioned feeling ill. Poor kid—he was probably languishing at home right now.
Paul was watching him, a quizzical expression on his face. As far as Tuck knew, no one at work was aware of their relationship and he'd just as soon keep it that way. He kept his voice noncommittal. “That's too bad. I hope he's better soon. No big deal, I'll email him. Thanks."
He himself had a vacation day and no desire to stop in at his own lab. He took the stairs, pulling out his cell phone as he went. So much for surprising Jamie at work.
He'd surprise him in his sickbed instead and minister to him with hot chicken soup and a long, lingering blow job to distract him from whatever ailed him.
When he got to Jamie's place, he used his key and entered the small but bright living room. In case Jamie was sleeping, he didn't call out a greeting. Eager to see him, he stepped over the sill of the bedroom but instead of a sleeping Jamie, he saw the bed was neatly made, with no evidence of Jamie anywhere.
There was no one in the bathroom either. He walked through the small house, ending in the kitchen, which was empty and clean, not even a cup in the sink from morning coffee. Where was Jamie?
A sudden unwelcome thought slithered its way into his consciousness. Was Jamie with another man? Had he pretended to have work at his lab on Saturday in order to sneak off with some other guy the minute Tuck wasn't around?
Tuck shook his head. That was ridiculous and he knew it. Jamie had never given him the slightest reason to doubt his fidelity. They'd spent nearly all their spare time together, so when would he even have a chance to find someone new?
Shit, if anyone had been coveting someone else, it was him, mooning over Brendan and not even trying to hide it from Jamie. Jamie had been endlessly gracious and patient with him over that, and here he was, suspecting his lover the instant he couldn't track him down.
I'll just call him. What's the big deal? Maybe he decided to take a mental health day. Run some errands. Nothing wrong with that. He's not required to report his every move to me.
He flipped open his phone. It rang five times before going to voice mail. Tuck started to leave a message but decided he didn't want Jamie to feel he was checking up on him. They'd see each other soon enough.
* * * *
"Just give me a few minutes alone with him, okay? Then he's all yours.” Jamie put his hand on Brendan's thigh and squeezed. “You're doing the right thing, I promise. The right thing for all three of us. I'm proud of you."
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