I wondered, grazing the cloth, why he’d given me a T-Shirt and then just left. I didn’t understand, it didn’t make any sense. And that smell, it moved me deep inside, I didn’t know what it was, but it felt important. It was disturbing. I suspiciously examined the item of clothing and ended up putting it on. I remained distrustful, and even though there was nothing to explain what he had done, I had nothing else to wear and it was really cold. It went down to my knees, which was good: I would not be feeling totally naked.
I remained seated, watching the sunset for a few minutes more. The remembrance of what had happened last night was tormenting. Not that I was complaining about being alone, I had always been so, in a way; it just felt weird not to perceive the pack in my mind. The bond was broken, they had all vanished. There was nothing left but a tremendous void I could never fill again.
I decided I was done feeling sorry for myself and got up. There was no way I was staying here until death, and I had to keep myself busy to forget. I grab hold of a tree’s low branch to help myself up. I easily did so, but almost fell back down from the pain. My calf was definitely far from being healed: the wound was still open. With a little help from the nature around me, I managed to hobble my way up. My eyes soon accustomed to the growing darkness, and I could see as if I were in broad daylight. Yet my head was dizzying, and my stomach ached due to lack of food. Awesome. As I was slowly climbing up the ditch, I tripped and fell flat on my face.
“Shit!” I cursed standing up straight. There were limits to my patience. I had had too many inopportune dates with the ground. I turned around to rail at whatever had made me fall, but I frowned with surprise. “What the...?”
I abruptly sat on the ground, for being too tired to actually stoop and dirty as ever, it wouldn’t matter if I was a bit less clean. Amongst primroses and tree leaves, there laid a bottle of water, a bunch of cookies and some money. This had to be some kind of a trap. I started looking around in case I could see anyone, but deep down I knew there was nobody there. HE had already left.
I grabbed the water bottle and sniffed it to make sure it wasn’t poisoned – one could never be too careful. Since I didn’t notice anything suspicious, I took a sip: it instantly eased my dried esophagus. It felt good. I had actually almost forgotten how good drinking felt.
In order to see whether I was going to die from drinking that water, I waited a couple minutes. Nothing happened, so I swallowed some more, nearly half the bottle in a few seconds. I stopped when I realized I didn’t know when I’d be able to get more clean water, and focused on the cookies. It was just some basic biscuits, but in the state I was in, nothing had ever looked more appetizing. I sniffed them as well and ate a few in a row. My stomach made a happy sound. Just like with the water, I kept half of the biscuits for later: I had to save up my rations. Finally filled up, I attempted to count the money: there were two hundred dollars. It wasn’t much, but I was extremely grateful for it. I wouldn’t forget what he had done, and if I ever met this mysterious benefactor, I would warm heartedly thank him.
The food had a tremendously positive effect on my organism. The sugar inside those basic random biscuits helped my body and I felt much better. My shoulder and my calf were less painful, and I stood up more easily than before. I reeled for a second, and after I got a grip on myself and picked up my precious belongings, I decided to head for the city.
At first, I didn’t know where to go, because even though I lacked fighting experience, I could defend myself against a potential aggressor or any daring human, so I didn’t mind sleeping out in the open, but I would have enjoyed a bed. So first, I needed to clean myself up, and get some clothes – not that I didn’t like wearing this tee, its odor was reassuring, but I was almost naked.
“Let’s go to town,” I whispered in the darkness. I didn’t enjoy the silence. Some might find it soothing, but for me, it was nerve-racking. And being a wolf and all, I’d lived surrounded by the noise of the pack ever since I was little, so silence meant something was wrong. I took my bearings thanks to my innate sense of direction, being a lycanthrope did have some good sides, and walked my way to town. There must be a place there where I could clean myself up. I reminisced about the park I saw before: were there any fountains in it?
It took me forever to get to the said park. I was limping like an amputee, and I would soon be so if that damn calf kept annoying the hell out of me. I finally reached the gate, which was closed, so I had to climb the railings. I never would have thought that climbing with both one arm and one leg down would be so hard. On the top of the railings, I lost my balance, and fell flat on my face – again – in a bush of nettle. Wow. Lucky me. “For heaven’s sake,” I wearily said.
I made it out of the bush, my thighs and my face were burning. The size of my cheeks had actually doubled because of the nettle. How fashionable. I was definitely looking my best. It was the perfect time to apply for a model agency, I’d be the success of the century. I suddenly burst into a hysterical laughter, the stings were too much pressure, I was giving in. The laughter was so strong and genuine that tears rolled down my cheeks and made my cheeks even more painful. What a wonderful day.
Finally, I found a fountain. The first thing I did was to put some water on my face, which was a terrible mistake. I was so in luck that I’d probably get urticaria, or I’d die poisoned by these amazing plants.
Yet I took advantage of the fountain and rubbed with the ice-cold water, after taking off the T-Shirt to clean myself up properly. I managed to get rid of the blood and dirt that I was covered in, and put my head into the water in an attempt to tidy my hair, because my curls were all around the place and made me look like a crazy person. Once my hair was soaked, I continued to water my body: I wanted to feel as clean as possible, which was actually impossible, so I gave up and let the cold air dry my skin. “That’s one thing out of the way.” I sighed, congratulating myself.
I sat on a bench for a second to get it together before I had to climb those damn railings out. I did not feel like it. And with the water bottle, the money and the biscuits, my hands were unavailable. I ripped the bottom of the tee – it was too long anyway. I managed to make a sort of strap, and I tied my belongings to it with knots. It wasn’t the best, but it was better than nothing. I undertook to explore the park, looking for a spot that might be less hard to climb. “Bingo!” I yelled when I saw a low wall.
In two shakes of a lamb’s tail, I was out of the park with no extra injuries. That was what I’d call a victory. I deserved a reward, so I took one biscuit as a snack while I kept strolling. Now that I thought about it, it felt hard to enter a supermarket with no shoes or decent clothes, or the face that I wore. Therefore, I had to get some clothes before being able to buy some. How convenient. Two options: either I’d go dumpster diving, either I’d steal the next person I saw. I wasn’t comfortable with stealing, even though I’d just been banished from my pack, and in a bad shape, I wasn’t a criminal. Yet.
I hadn’t walked into town for five seconds that I was flagged down. “Hi Miss!” Typical. I could smell the breath of the clown who arrived from behind me, and it reeked of cigarette and bad liquor. I didn’t look at him, and continued to walk, but he followed me. Surprising. “Hey miss, I’m talking to you! It’s a nice booty you’ve got here, you shouldn’t walk out here alone dressed like that, you’re gonna get yourself in trouble!
“No matter how I’m dressed, I’d always get in trouble with douchebags like you,” I mumbled walking faster in spite of my aching calf.
“What did you just say?” the guy asked. I rolled my eyes and didn’t answer. Women attracted to other women didn’t have any trouble with the way women dressed in general. Only dick bearers could see vulgarity in a dress or a skirt. I loathed that way of thinking. I was allowed to wear whatever I wanted and even if it was “provocative”, it didn’t justify any abuse. Period. “I asked you a question so answer me,” he nearly yelled.
An order. More orders. Orders still. Men only
speak by giving women orders. He caught up to me and violently seized my arm. I fearlessly faced him without any sign of surprise, which his badly shaven face now showed. After everything I’d been through, I wouldn’t let this little human bother me. He gazed at me with a lecherous look in his eyes. Obviously, I was a beautiful woman, especially with blisters on my face, and I had nice curves, but no need to dwell on it. “You’re a hot babe. Don’t you wanna …”
I interrupted him before he offered me the will to kill him. “Don’t YOU wanna shut the hell up and go back to Mommy instead of annoying girls in the street? In a dark aisle like this one, a guy as young as you shouldn’t be hanging out here, only God knows what might happen to you…”
My eyes changed colors, from a deep brown to a golden one, and it lasted two seconds at most, but this spectacular show made his eyes open wide, and allowed panic to take control of him. He backed down, tripped and fell, got back up and ran away. Good riddance. I wouldn’t show this much mercy with the next one.
Walking along the walls and in squalid alleys appeared to be the best way not to be spotted. I wasn’t eager to meet anyone else. I remained in the dark of the night as long as it was possible: dimness was a good hiding place. Every time I came across a trash bin, I quickly looked inside in case some clothes were mine for the taking, but I was unlucky still.
Two hours later, I had to face the facts: I had to become a criminal. Awesome. But all things considered, being in prison could be a decent place to live in the state I was in. With a scarlet-red face, the prisoners might take me for a badass and I wouldn’t get in trouble. Or, I could work my way into not getting caught, that was a good solution too. I was fed up with wandering in the streets like a damned ghost, and so I had my heart set on the next house I saw. Well lucky me, there was a window open. “Every wolf has its day,” I whispered, opening the window a little bit wider.
I wasn’t really at ease. My supernatural senses detected three people in the house: a couple was sleeping in a bedroom, and a young girl was up in her own room – the light was on, I didn’t know what she was doing and I didn’t care to find out. All I wanted was clothes, even just pants would be fine.
After hopping over the window and breaking into the house, I attempted to define my own location: I had just landed in the living-room, the kitchen was on the right, and the bedrooms upstairs. Since the owners were sleeping, I wouldn’t be able to get some clothes from their bedroom, and I would not fit into the clothes of a twelve-year-old. I desperately roamed the living-room as quietly as I could, and found a backpack, which I emptied, and then filled with my food and money. With the bag on my back, I continued my searching and discovered a laundry room. “Are there any… yes!” I said when I discovered a washing machine and a dryer.
I opened it and felt as if an animal had barged into the room: the door was squealing. I froze when I heard stirring upstairs. Busted. Wait, no, I heard the toilet flushing. The girl had just gone to the bathroom, nothing to worry about.
When the clothes were out of the dryer, I almost screamed in victory. Jackpot. With the rough couple days I just had, I didn’t need much to rejoice. I stuffed the bag with a tee-shirt, some jeans and the shirt I was wearing. I put underpants on, after making sure they were clean – better to be safe than sorry. I popped on another pair of jeans and a big sweater and decided not to grab any jacket since it was not cold outside and stole some snickers instead. They were too big, but they’ll do. I put the rest of the clothes back into the dryer and hoped the people would not deduce they had been robbed, and crossed my fingers for them to think they had just lost them. I didn’t need the police on top of it all.
I tiptoed my way back to where I came from. When I passed the kitchen, I drank up my water bottle, and filled it back with tap water. There was a fruit basket on the table, and I listened to my inner demon and took an apple and an orange. I felt terrible. Granted, there were just fruits and cloth, but being a wolf didn’t allow you to do whatever you wanted. I had never done this before, and I didn’t consider myself above human laws. And besides, I had always managed to take care of myself since no one else would.
On my arriving into the pack, at age eleven, I had been welcomed with a collective beating: they had chased me through the forest for a whole day, and every time someone got to me, they’d bite the hell out of me. A rite of initiation, they’d said. More like hazing. When I was fourteen, William had made me kill my own dog, in order to become “a proper she-wolf”. Worst birthday of my life, as the nightmares I still had sometimes proved it. A year later, I had been stripped of my clothes and tied to a tree in the forest because I had disobeyed William. For four days I stood there, in the midsummer, so when I had finally untied myself and found food and my way back home, I received a sunstroke and another beating. I had always made it on my own.
I had another thousand anecdotes such as these. I remembered every single time I had been publicly whipped on the disobedience charge, all the days I had spent locked in my room without anything to eat, the ones that had turned their back on me. I reminisced about the punching, the insults, the humiliations, the pain. You could guess why I had authority issues, which I denied while submitting anyway. I had been shaped into obedience against my will, and I hadn’t resisted enough, denying my own strength and authority, and my wolf-self foremost. Twelve years of woe. From now on, things would change. I was still going to make it on my own, but I’d never suffer like this again. I will never force myself to obey anymore.
Why was I thinking about all this? Maybe I had only just realized that I was now free. Maybe because my wolf-self was breaking out, striving to come out of the shadows to get her integrity back. It felt nice to see that after everything I had been through; I was still standing and ready to start it all over. It would take time, but I had time to spare.
I startled on hearing the floor creaking upstairs. I was good at daydreaming when focus was needed. Let’s get out of here. I put the fruits in the bag and got out the window, and pushed it so it’d look as if it were totally closed, in order to stop any other housebreaking: it would be a shame if those nice people were actually burglarized.
The sky was as black as ink. The stars seemed determined to stay hidden tonight. The crescent moon was barely visible and drowned in the midst of the clouds. The warm air stirred the trees’ branches in a comforting swish, a musical rustle. The weather was good enough for me to sleep outside after all. Even though I had slept all day, I was still exhausted from all the nights I had spent running in the woods and all the days I had worked at the restaurant, not forgetting that I needed to heal. Besides, my brain was tired. I needed some rest, and now that I had food, money and clothes, going to the store was no longer my priority. I headed for the outskirts of the town, where I might find a decent place to sleep. I noticed a small bridge in the distance. It was quite low above the ground and overhanging a small brook. Perfect. No one would look for me or anyone else under there.
It was quite narrow, but I managed to crawl in. Water was flowing close to a heap of empty liquor bottles, so that between it and the brook, there was just enough space for me to lie down on my back. I looked up to the under of the bridge which abounded in spiders. One of them was a few inches away from my face, set in its web. I shivered. I was not a fan of those creatures. I knew it was irrational because they wouldn’t arm me, but I couldn’t help it.
“Hello beautiful,” I uneasily called out. “Here’s the deal: you stay up there and I don’t squash you, ok?” The eight-legged creature didn’t move, so I concluded it agreed to my terms. I desired nothing more than a quiet roommate.
As I laid in that heavenly lair deliciously smelling of bad booze and stagnating water, I allowed my thoughts to drift off again. I was on the right path to achieving my goals: first night free and I was already living under a bridge. Yet it felt almost better than at William’s. There were no holes in the walls, and no one to punch me, and that was definitely an improvement. When I realized that I was
bound to start everything from scratch, I felt woozy. I had to find work, and a place to live in that town I knew nothing of. I was going to have to learn to live alone and far away from those I loved: I’ll never see my grandma again, nor Milo and Bridget! even less. It broke my heart. I wanted to curl up and cry, but it was pointless, and besides, I never cried. And above it all, I was going to have to get to know myself. Who was Maddie, really? A victim? A submissive and thoughtless fool? A puppet? A punching-ball? An alpha? Time will tell.
In order to fall asleep easily, I opened my recently acquired bag, and the smell of the unknown wolf spread out in the air from his T-shirt. I was instantly reassured and dozed off quickly.
I spend the following days crisscrossing the city, looking for classified ads to find a job. All my wounds had healed completely, and it helped my walking: it was easier, I didn’t look hunchbacked, and it was easier to blend in. I had left my home under the bridge and slept wherever my feet would take me.
The town was actually a metropolis, and even though way smaller than the one I had left, it was buzzing with movement and excitement. I was like a tourist. I took advantage of the water to clean myself daily and wash my clothes from time to time. I was on a severe diet because money was running low in the blink of an eye. I got lucky finding some coins on the ground or some decent food near supermarkets or restaurants which would get rid of their food on the merge of expiring. The now familiar smell of the unknown wolf would often burst in the air. I could have followed him, but I figured he didn’t want to be found so left him be. I didn’t know why he kept wandering around, or if he was following me, but I didn’t care. I felt rather safe, and that was all that mattered. I’d look for him if I needed to.
She-Wolf I Page 5
