Johan snarled. He grabbed my hand and kissed my palm, in spite of his obvious discontent due to my order — or due to my words, who knows? A soft and agreeable warmth filled me and lodged in my stomach. It removed all of the anxiety I’d been feeling this the previous day. Johan was the cure to all my woes. I’d feared that his presence might have angered me even more, because he was a man, and I thought his touch might make me sick. I thought I might never trust him again. I thought I might hate him, and never could be with him again. I feared Ryan might have taken my better half away from me. But no. I could still feel everything I had ever felt with him, my heart was still looping the loop, my stomach was still burning. The chills were still there too, and the throbbing of my heart as well… Nothing had changed. I wasn’t broken, I wasn’t destroyed. I was the same I’d always been, maybe a bit angrier, but I hadn’t lost myself on the way.
He kept quiet for a while, apparently dwelling on what I’d said. I carefully stared at him, paying attention to his every breath and his every move. “You are not weak, Mad’, far from it. You are a strong, extraordinary woman, and once again, what happened is not your fault” he whispered, kissing my face all over. “You shouldn’t be ashamed; you should be proud of what you are and what you’ve become.” His words felt good. Obviously, he was right. What did I ever do to deserve a man like him? Someone up there likes me. “And I’ll always want you Mad’, because you’re still you and you’ll never be anyone else. I’ll always see you for what you are. You can choose to be whoever you want.”
“Philosopher, are you?” I teased, slowly recovering my usual good spirits.
“I don’t think so,” he said harshly. “If I were one, I wouldn’t have that animal, vital, violent urge to destroy that asshole who dared lay a hand on you”
“That’s very sweet of you, but he’s mine. I need to have my own revenge, you know?” That was the truth. I could understand Johan’s will to fix Ryan’s wagon, but if he did, I would never be able to bring things full circle. I would never be able to move on and take my revenge on Ryan, otherwise, he’d keep haunting me for the rest of my days. I had to end this myself, and I guess it would be hard for Johan to accept it but I hoped he could eventually.
“I understand,” he said even though his face was contorted with anger. “I’ll settle for the members of your former pack then.”
What was he talking about? The others had nothing to do with it did they? What was my little philosophizing puppy doing to me? I kissed his nose to soothe him down, which he did for a second. I didn’t like to see him angry; I’d rather see him calm, peaceful, true to himself. “What do they have to do with that?” I asked, still gazing at him.
“I can’t stand the fact that they’ve hurt you before,” he growled, angrier still. “I’ve been watching you up close a few days before you left, and I saw how they all treated you. I can’t bear to know that they’ve destroyed your childhood and made your whole life a living hell. I want them to pay for what they did.”
“Johan… There are a lot of things you don’t know about me. I had a wonderful childhood, with loving parents, who’ve lavished my every desire. My teenage years have been ruined by William Parker’s pack, true, but it’s all in the past now. As you can see, I’ve made it through, and thanks to all the hardships I had to endure, I became the person that I am today. Obviously, I rather would have lived without it all, but life doesn’t always give you what you want. I am free from those hardships now, and those people are all in the past, and that’s all that matters. I want to put that part of my life behind me and be happy. Well, after I’ve killed Ryan though.”
“Who’s the philosopher now?” he said with a wide smile lighting up his face.
I rolled my eyes, realizing that murder wasn’t the solution to every problem. Okay, when it came to the Ryan issue, that was the solution, but you couldn’t just kill every single person that gave you a hard time now, could you? Yet I didn’t answer. I appreciated the fact that he wanted to avenge me and defend me, because it proved he cared about me, in a way. And that was cute, to see him care. But we’ll talk about those murder issues later so that I might dissuade him from doing so. I spotted the smell of concern, anger, love, and fear coming out of him. Why fear? There was nothing to be afraid of…
“I want to see you,” he whispered. “Close your eyes…”
My she-wolf bursted on hearing that order, even though it was more like a request than a command. I growled angrily and pushed him on the ground. His back hit the wet soil, and he winced painfully. I was now on top of him, towering high up over him, which pleased my inner roommate greatly. He wasn’t flinching, his hands stayed along his body, not touching mine. His eyes were still closed. He remained docile and not upsetting. It helped a little, and I realized what I’d done. I needed to chill. Johan hadn’t tried to defy or dominate me. He wasn’t like Ryan. “I’m sorry,” I apologized, grazing his cheek shamefully. “I’m a little on edge. And no, I won’t close my eyes just yet. I have more questions.”
“And you can’t ask them with your eyes closed?” he asked puckishly, as if my little blowing of fuses hadn’t even happened.
I leaned towards him and touched his cheek with mine. I loved that feeling. He purred with pleasure, but his hands were still not touching me. That was weird of him, he was usually such a touchy-feely person. It didn’t matter. The more I spent time with him, the more the memories Ryan had anchored on my mind faded away. I ended up laying on him completely, and finally, his arms held my waist. But just barely though, as if he feared he might break me. Why would he though? I wanted him to hold me tight. My head fell on his torso, and without complaining, I listened to his heartbeat, pounding a little faster than usual due to my laying on top of him — at least I hoped that was the reason. The sound of him, of the life flowing in his veins was most pleasant. My heartbeat automatically tuned with his, as if it’d just found its other half. I wished I could never leave his embrace. I was tired. I just wanted to let myself go and to sleep. But if I slept, nightmares would come, and would remind me of everything that had happened.
I reopened my eyes and sat straight up so I could look at Johan. Damn it, he was handsome. I could never get tired of looking at him. “I could, but I want to see your reactions,” I said eventually.
“I’m listening.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about Adélie and Esthelle? Why didn’t you tell me that they were your family, sort of? Why would you lead me here when it’s pretty clear this town’s your territory? You know I shouldn't be here.”
“We’re soulmates,” he answered plainly. “My territory is yours. My family is yours.”
My heart inflated with happiness. No one had ever said something so genuine and so beautiful to me before. I knew reacting this way to such simple words might seem a bit schmaltzy, but I was deeply moved. I felt accepted, and understood, and loved, and those were things I had never felt in my previous pack. And what was I supposed to say to that? He had already answered all my doubts and questions. Even if the said-answers lacked some details… Yes, in case you hadn’t noticed, I was always complaining.
As if he’d read my mind, or rather after he’d spotted my emotions in my scent, he went on, “But if you really want to know… I mean, would you really have agreed to stay here with the witches if I’d told you that I was behind it all? I don’t think so. I thought it was best for you to find them on your own and get to know them without being influenced so that later you might choose whether you wanted to stick around or not. They’re my family, but it doesn’t matter. I led you to them because I thought they could take care of you like they took care of me. I did it without meaning any harm. I didn’t know what I was doing, actually. I just wanted you safe with people I trusted. I’m sorry if you felt like you were manipulated, it wasn’t the point.”
“Why didn’t you just come to me right away, instead of giving me your T-Shirt and the money and your scent?”
“I wanted you to know that I
believed in you — and I still do. I thought you might wanna know that I believed you could make it on your own and that I wasn’t pitying you or something. And besides, I’d just figured what you meant to me and all. I was shaken and lost — and I still am — and I wasn’t ready for a confrontation.”
I was determined to get all my questions answered, and so I went on, “Why do you persist in bringing me my friends back?”
“Because I want you to be happy.”
What was I supposed to answer to that? What more could I ask for? Johan had taken the wind out of my sails with his unexpectedly perfect answer. I thought he might go into this massive conspiracy theory like I want you to have the biggest pack ever so that we may colonize the whole planet and rule over it but apparently, he had the most simple desires and not some twisted phantasy ideas. But the most beautiful things are the simplest ones. With a beating heart and a topsy-turvy stomach, I curled up against Johan and let my head go against his chest. He was so perfect… Well, to me, at least. For now. And he had flaws too, don’t get me wrong: he was a secretive little man, for instance. Yet I liked him. A lot. Truly. Deeply. Madly — pun intended.
“You’re right, there are a lot of things I don’t know about you,” he whispered. “That needs to change. I want to know every single thing about you.”
“Mr. Secretive said,” I teased while touching him still.
Another smile blossomed on his lips and erased the seriousness he was seized by since the beginning of our conversation. I had this sudden urge to kiss him. How could I resist such a warm, sweet, genuine smile? I managed to, though. After all, just because we were soulmates didn’t justify my jumping on him without us getting to know each other first. Okay, I did know him, I knew who he was deep down. But still. “How did you react when you understood what we mean to each other?”
“At first, I couldn’t make sense of it. I just had this need to see you, and talk to you, and touch you and it was driving me crazy. I was losing it, my animal side was all over the place, and it scared me. I tried to run away from you and deal with my own business but being away from you was just too painful. I was… well I was mad about you.”
“So you admit being insane then?” I said it with a joking voice, but a part of me was terrified of the fact that someone might be obsessed with me. Ryan was obsessed with me too, and unlike Johan, not in a good way. I knew reacting this way was stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Johan would never hurt me, and I knew what he meant anyway. I was feeling this sort of connection towards him, this need for us to connect, and he was always on my mind. I craved him, I needed to be by his side, and I was anguished as hell when he wasn’t around. So, in a way, I was as obsessed as he was.
He frowned his brow, and his smile vanished: he was worried again. I wish I hadn’t asked that question, it was really silly. He sat upright, and his face was just an inch away from mine, which allowed me to see him up close even if his eyes were still closed. “No,” he answered resolutely. “I’m not like him. I think about you all the time, I do, but not like that. Not in an obscene way. I hope someday you might believe me.”
I was surrounded by guilt, which showed up to torment me. Johan’s face was now completely still and I could sense his sorrow. I had hurt his feelings, damn it. Well, at this stage, crap was more appropriate. I didn’t mean it. I just spoke without thinking, as usual. What a dopey. And now, Johan was not only worried and angry, but hateful too. Nicely done. I caressed his cheek and kissed him by the lips. “I believe you, I promise. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I know you’re not like him, and I know you never could. Please, forgive me…”
“I forgive you,” he said as his forehead leaned against mine. “But only if you forgive me too… I’ve been distant from the start because I don’t want you to be ill-at-ease or fear my touch, but I guess that’s not the best way to behave.”
Oh, so that was why he was being weird and wouldn’t put his hands on me. He was as much a dufus that I was. I grabbed his hands and put those around my waist. He hesitated for a second before holding me tight as well. There, much better. “You’re right, don’t behave this way. It really pains me to see you behaving differently, I don’t want you to…”
“Fine, I won’t, but that’s at your own risk…” He smiled again and the weight crushing my heart suddenly vanished: he wasn’t angry anymore. He stuffed his nose in my neck and breathed in my scent, and kissed my skin a million times, and I quivered. It felt good in so many ways: it was as if he was erasing Ryan’s presence on me with his lips. He went on, going downwards, kissing my collar bone, and then coming back up without ever touching my lips. “As I was saying: I have this deep interest in you. I soon figured that I might never do without you, and even if at first it annoyed me to know that I depended on you, then I thought it best to roll with it. So I came back. I was looking for a way to kidnap you, but you would have hated me if I’d ever take you away from your friends… Eventually, your pack banished you and it solved the problem.”
“I’m glad you took advantage of the situation,” I grumbled.
He started laughing and I stared at him with amazement. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. I desperately wanted to see his eyes… The temptation was too strong, how was he able to resist it? I could more or less understand what it was that held him back though. At least I thought I did.
For my part, I had to admit that I wasn’t ready for our souls to meet. I was already beside myself with my eyes closed, and my she-wolf was in one hell of a state too, so what would happen then huh? It was a bit scary. I wanted to keep my head in the game and think straight. I understood now why Johan had told me to be patient and to see things clearly when we’d first met. It was all coming together now. His wish to remain distant not to lose it, his choice not to answer my questions so that I may understand everything on my own and not get angry at him, his need to be both close and away from me not to go berserk…
I was already crazy about him, and I hadn’t even looked at him yet. I’d rather not imagine what might happen when I would. He seemed to think that it was better to wait too. I didn’t want our “spiritual encounter” — hum — to be like Esthelle and Lola’s: unexpected and painful. I wanted us to take the time to get to know each other, without this terrifying soulmate pressure. I wanted us both to think clearly without being controlled by animal instincts. So, for now, our eyes will remain closed.
“Seriously,” he muttered, “I’m glad you’re here, with the witches and your pack, and me, even if I feel terrible because I wasn’t there when you needed me… I could have stopped it, I could have dealt with him, done something… I failed you.”
I was exasperated and shook my head. He was talking nonsense. I took his face in my hands and talked very close to him, hoping that my grazing breath could give him the reason this noggin of his seemed to lack. It was adorable to see him worried, but I didn’t need a man to defend me or protect me, I didn’t need anyone. On the other hand, if I trusted my past experiences, men had a tendency to drag me down when they should be lifting me up. Granted, Johan lifted me up but still. I could take care of myself. I could use a hand, but not a whole person. Being a woman isn’t supposed to be a liability. “You’re dim,” I sighed with a little smile. “This is not your fault. You can’t just stick around forever looking after me. I’m a big girl and I should be able to defend myself. And besides, if men could stop being such dorks, it might fix a lot of things. The world isn’t perfect, and it will never be. If you want to protect me, you could teach me how to fight. Seeing that physique of yours and this impressive alpha aura, seems like you’re good at it.”
“I’ll teach you whatever you want, but you could never stop me from wanting to protect you from everybody else. I care about you too much. And what is this cliché about? Just because I’m muscular, I should know how to fight?”
“Are you telling me you don’t know how to fight?” I said with another smile — it was kind of cliché.
“Oh
no, I do, but I don’t like it when people draw hasty conclusions…” He smiled too.
Now, I was the one laughing. It was weird. My she-wolf stretched inside me, whining, as if she was coming out of a long drowsiness where nothing but anger prevailed. Thanks to Johan, a little ray of happiness was slowly piercing through the blackness around my heart and replaced with a bright and eternal light. No matter the hardships to come, the violence I would have to endure, there would always be this fire inside me, lit up by my strength and my will-power, rekindled by Johan, and whose flames would always shine deep in my soul. That fire, it was Love.
My burst of laughter brightened Johan’s face, and he was now amused, rid of all his concerns. He held me even tighter and I felt better. Ryan was far away now. His touch, his self, his monstrosity were gone too. What he’d done was still there, somewhere in my head, but I felt I could get over it. I was strong. I had Johan by my side, and he made the world a better place. The worst things did not seem so terrible now that he was here to face those with me. I had my pack, my friends. I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t weak. I’d get through this; I knew it now. And there was nothing more precious than love and hope together.
She-Wolf I Page 25
