He had a hard time swallowing. I could feel his sadness, his anger, his fear. How could he doubt my feelings for him for even a second? We were soulmates, period. “And… what did you say to him?” he asked, tensed.
“I told him that he was a very handsome man…” Johan’s blood left his face and I quickly finished my sentence. “But that he was only a friend to me, because my heart belonged to someone else.”
His forehead leaned against mine, and he sighed, relieved. I caressed his cheek to ease his pain, and he pressed his face against my hand, giving in to my touch. “Mad’, I’m warning you, don’t ever do that again, please? What did he say?”
“He said that he could see the difference between love and affection, and that he understood, but that it wouldn’t stop him from trying from time to time.”
“I’m going to kill him.”
I laughed on hearing his angry and acerbic tone of voice. He was so sweet. God, I’d become softer than I thought. I hugged him tight, breathing in his scent, relishing in the feeling of his muscular body against mine. “I’d rather not,” I answered with a smile.
He smiled too and we stayed this way for a long time, relishing in each other’s presence, quietly. Our mutual fears were more or less tamed, our worries far away and tenderness was ours for the taking. I felt better. I’d made the right choice, asking Adélie to call Johan. He didn’t think I was disgusting. He hadn’t rejected me. He still wanted me, and he felt the same hatred as me towards my persecutor. We would pass this trial together, and I knew I could always count on him, no matter what, just like he could rely on me as much as he needed.
From now on, we were inseparable. Even the distance wouldn’t stop us, our hearts and our souls would find the way back to each other through the hardships, the troubles, the time and the pain. I wouldn’t doubt him anymore, he would be here, whatever the cost. But for now… he had to go, he had to leave me again, but when we’d meet again, it would only feel better. As if he’d been reading my mind, Johan sighed deeply.
“You really have to go back there…” I sighed too.
“I can’t leave now, I can’t leave you…”
“Yes, you can. I feel better, I’m fine.”
“But…”
“There’s nothing more you can do here,” I interrupted. “On the other hand, I’d be very much happier if I knew you were taking care of Daniel and my grandmother instead. I need to know they’re safe, and I also need to know you’re safe, far from here. If you’re over there, then you’re not here, and then Ryan can’t kill you.”
“That’s deep,” he teased without loosening his grasp around my waist. “But do you really think an asshole like Ryan could even scratch my fur? Mad’, you mustn’t worry about me. I may look like a puppy, I may be a packless alpha, but I still work out and train and I think I can master any fighting sport there is on earth. I’ve done terrible things and I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’m not afraid of him. He’s nothing.”
“I’m supposed to be an alpha too,” I said sadly because I was nothing too. “And yes, you’re my little puppy.”
“I know,” he smiled before going on, “and yes, you’re an alpha. I’m sure that if you’d had some training, you would have killed him just like that. As soon as I’m back, we’ll train like crazy, and you’ll be the most powerful she-wolf on earth.”
“Can’t wait. You better come back to me in one piece then.”
“I accept that order, but only because you’re the one saying it,” he whispered, kissing my face. “It’s just so hard to leave you… I can’t, I’m not strong enough. I’m afraid something might happen to you, I fear you might not be there when I come back, I’m afraid of losing you.”
“Stop being such a drama queen,” I reprimanded. “I’ll be there when you come back, safe and sound, and ready to put you through the wringer. You’re not going to lose me, not now, nor ever, so you better stand up so I can see that nice behind of yours and skedaddle out of here because the sooner you leave, the sooner you’ll be back.” I was being a smart Alec, but I was just as terrified as him. Only, he was sharing his concern with me, and for once, he was the one who needed to be reassured. I couldn’t just go on whining and say that I feared he might not come back, and that I was afraid of losing him too. We had to see the bigger picture: he wasn’t going to war on his own. It was just a couple of days, not more than a week or two, and then we’d be back in each other’s arms.
Johan uttered a little growl, half threatening and half amused, and he started biting my neck as punishment. I just loved to give him orders because he didn’t take them the wrong way, and let’s face it, I just loved the way he let me know he didn’t like the said orders. If he kept on doing this, I’d end up giving him orders every day. He bit my skin a little harder and it was suddenly very hot. He was fiddling my neck with his teeth, and it was most pleasant. Both a reprimand and a reward. When he gave me orders, I pushed him on the ground and snarled at him whereas he only growled gently and nibbled my neck, and it made me want him even more.
“I think that butt-wise, you win, hands down,” he whispered eventually, letting go of my neck.
He stood up, and I stood up with him because I was still clinging to him. I was smiling, flattered by his compliment. I held him tight for he was about to leave. Because of me. I took advantage of those last moments to touch him, etching his face in my mind thanks to my hands and my eyes. I also got my fill of his scent, breathing in deeply, and he did too.
After a couple minutes, he took his shirt off, and I was able to enjoy this muscular and hot body of his, and he gave me the tee, filled with his whiff. I took it, but my eyes were still fixed on his bare chest. I would have normally jumped on him and kissed and touched him, but I was frozen. It was maybe a bit too soon. I didn’t even dare hug him. No matter, I had his scent with me now, and it would somehow fill the void of his absence.
“Mad’?” he said softly, intertwining our fingers together.
“Yes?”
“I…” he started hesitatingly.
“Yes?”
“I… I … really like you.”
“I really like you too,” I said with a bright smile, because I’d guessed what he wanted to say while the words were not able to come out yet.
“Don’t do anything stupid okay?”
“I won’t. You better come back soon…”
A growl. A kiss by my lips. “I will.”
Long hug, breathing each other’s scent. A last few seconds of happiness. A couple more kisses by the lips, without ever crossing the line. A last gaze, his eyes closed, mine open. Two sad smiles. A gust of wind. The sound of footsteps, and he was gone…
Chapter 21
Now that Johan was gone, it got a little bit harder to breathe. Anger came rushing back, mixed with the fear to remain alone in the woods. It was stupid, I shouldn’t feel this way — I was home, in the woods. But those trees I knew all too well suddenly seemed determined to gut me like a fish with their twisted branches that looked like claws. The leaves and the thickets whispered while I passed by them, as if they were plotting my demise. There were eyes, everywhere, staring and plotting too: birds on the claws, voles under the bushes, hiding mysterious weapons. Even the sun seemed to darken and fade and merge with the trees which blocked its rays to create this gloomy subdued ambiance. Every sound, every gust of wind or snap of a twig startled me. It wasn’t right. I ought not to live in fear. Even if Ryan had caught me off-guard, I wasn’t supposed to be afraid of everything around me. I refused to be afraid.
I decided to stroll in the woods, in spite of the anxious pain in my stomach. I was sweating, I had trouble breathing, I just didn’t feel good. I saw Ryan’s face with every step I took, I saw it behind every tree, through every shadow, and I almost fainted a couple times. I had to pull myself together. Was I supposed to live my whole life as a chicken now? I was a wolf. I couldn’t go down that path, otherwise I’d end up never leaving my house. I had to shake it off, fight
this fear and refuse to let it take control.
Thus, I made myself stay here, and little by little, I calmed down. The sun was still here, warm and friendly, and its rays lit the leaves, brightening them and showing off their beautiful colors. This whole color chart of greens was a sign: darkness would never win, but the light will.
My breathing was normal again, I heard nothing but the wind blowing, the rodents running, and the claws turned back into mere branches, harmless and protecting.
I wiped the sweat of my brow and took a deep breath. Everything was fine, especially as Johan’s scent was still floating in the air and on his shirt, which gave me this peaceful feeling of safety. No one would ever stop me from walking wherever I wanted, in the city under the moonlight, or in the woods by sunrise. I was no prey. I didn’t have to be afraid. I soon found my way to the forest I so loved, welcoming and benevolent. Ryan could never pollute the places I loved and let alone my mind.
Here I stayed for a good hour, deep into the heart of the forest, forcing myself to push this apprehension away, even though it was reluctant to leave. I was positive I was going to get better. I mean, just being here, walking in the woods, proved that I was on the way to recovery because I wasn’t beating myself up. Thank God Johan had come to boost me, otherwise I’d still be in the bathroom puking. Speaking of the bathroom… I was kind of dirty. I could use a good shower — again! — but I was reluctant to come home because it meant I would have to face everyone else; I wasn’t sure I was ready for it. They were going to ask questions about Johan, especially the witches. Or not. Maybe I was just overthinking it and everything would be fine. There was only one way to find out: I had to go back.
Yet I took my time and dragged my feet. On second thought, I wasn’t so much concerned with my friends’ questions, but more with the way they’d act around me. I felt ashamed that they saw me in such a dreadful state, hurt and pathetic. Is that what an alpha should be like? I was just a freaking purveyor of dreams.
I feared that they might pity me or wouldn’t respect me anymore because they saw how weak I was. Maybe I was just worrying about nothing. After all, they were my friends. But I could not get rid of the anxiety eating me from the inside. Just like I told Johan, I didn’t want to be different from now on, I wanted to stay true to the woman I’d been until then and remain the same. I was still me, with the same energy, with the same wry humor, with the same strength. I didn’t want my friends to see me as this poor little bird that fell from its nest and that needs to be protected. Eureka! I was the one who had to prove them I hadn’t changed. I had to show them I was still strong, and that even though I’d been hurt by what happened, it wasn’t destroying me, and it never would.
Once I figured that out, I hurried home. I wanted to talk to them and see them. I needed to be surrounded by the people I loved and feel loved in return. I needed to prove Ryan hadn’t destroyed my life.
As I walked towards the door, stress surrounded me again. What if…? No, stop it, Maddie, I rebuffed myself. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. So I walked in, and I saw my pack and the witches in the living-room. There was food in front of them, but they were only fiddling with it, and their faces were sullen. Colin was crying, everyone’s eyes were ringed. I looked into our bonds and discovered this hodgepodge of emotions. Sadness, rage, guilt, concern. And love. Lots of love. No pity. Silly me! I should have just done that in the first place instead of worrying myself sick.
Everyone suddenly looked at me, the eyes went down towards Johan’s tee that was still in my hands. Colin kept on crying. They were awaiting my reaction. What would I do? What would my first gesture, my first words be? I knew my behavior would influence theirs and set the tone for the upcoming conversation.
I put the shirt on a piece of furniture and went towards the little sprog and took him in my arms. His head leaned towards my chest, and he stopped crying at once, and an awkward silence filled the room. When something happened to one of the pack members, it was hard on all of the adults for they had to cope with everyone else’s feelings, but for children, it was worse. The good thing was that when the grown-ups were happy, the little ones were happy too. Colin yawned, and his eyes closed a little. Poor thing, he was probably tired as ever with all those negative emotions. My being there and calm seemed to soothe him. I looked at Clemencia. She understood my silent question and gave me a positive answer. I went upstairs to put him to bed. Yes, it’s also a way for me to escape the painful conversation to come. Colin was now laying in his bed in the guest bedroom. “‘Addie!” he called with outstretched arms.
“It’s time to sleep kiddo,” I whispered, disheveling his hair.
His arms fell back on his sides, and he gazed at me with those big green eyes, identical to his mother’s. “Stay!” he screamed, and he started welling up again.
I kneeled by his side and poked him gently on the ribs to tickle him, and he burst into laughter. Children were so easily distracted. They believed every smile, they took us into their imaginary worlds, and they made us happy. That is, when they didn’t scream bloody murder. I kissed him loudly on his cheeks, and he laughed again.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said smiling, stroking his forehead. “It’s time for beddy-byes now, but when you’ll wake up, I’ll be there. I’m always close. And if you’re afraid, or sad, or worried, you just close your eyes very hard, and I’ll be there.” I tapped his chest, on his heart.
He closed his eyes and opened them right up, nodding his head to show he understood me. Good. I wasn’t as patient as I looked. I kissed his forehead one last time and he closed his eyes. Two seconds later, he’d dozed off. I tiptoed out of the room not to wake him up. One down, five more to go. My role was to make sure they were okay. That’s what alphas do, that's what friends do. In spite of what I was feeling, they were my current priority. We were a team, and for a team to win, every member of that team had to fit in and feel good. Otherwise, we might just open up our door to chaos.
As I was walking down the stairs, I bumped into Lola, who was waiting for me there. She was undoubtedly the most agitated of them all. Our eyes met and, without saying anything, I took her in my arms, and she held me tight while sniffing. Damn it, she was crying. And those weren’t tears of joy. I pat down her back in an attempt to comfort her a little. “It’s alright, everything’s fine, it’s not like anyone died!”
“Not yet!” she retorted angrily.
“Yes, you’re right, not yet, but this part doesn’t concern you. Stop crying, don’t give him that satisfaction. I understand that you’re upset, we all are, but rest assured, he will pay for what he’s done.”
She let go of me and looked me straight in the eye. I offered her a genuine smile, and wiped the tears off her cheeks. It felt good to be back, in the end. Reassuring everyone else prevented me from overthinking things, and I could comfort myself through them. I was doing something good. I was making myself useful. I was strong, and I would get over this, with the help of my friends.
“Would you let me stuff bamboo under his nails and then grate him like cheese with a peeler?” she asked angrily, her eyes shimmering with rage.
“Of course. You could even cut his tongue if you like, as long as I get to finish him,” I smiled, amused by her strong will.
“And could I just put needles in his eyes?” Milo intervened, joining us in the staircase.
“And could I break his teeth? And his knees?” Esthelle added.
“And could I jump on him until his bowels leave his body?” Adélie asked — her imagination was surprising.
“We could also toss him down a tank of acid,” Clemencia suggested.
To see them all here for me, with those fun and tempting offers was warming my heart. How could I have doubted them? They were… perfect. I could have dreamed of better friends. I started welling up, and I nodded, moved and feverish, to give them my consent. Their smiles lifted my spirits, and I took them all in my arms. Unbelievable. I was having a group hug with my p
ack and two witches in the middle of a staircase. It was not very convenient, but it felt tremendously good. Their scents, all mixed together, made me feel safe and home. I was finally fitting in, finding my place: I belonged with them. I was slowly realizing that no matter what would happen to me, they’d always see me as I was. I didn’t have to worry, they’d never judge me, and they’d be there for me, they’d have my back. It felt good. I would soon get used to happiness thanks to the love they had for me.
“Okay, that’s enough, we’ll just end up sobbing and we’ll fall down the stairs, I teased. “It would be a shame to end up in the hospital on such a beautiful day. Let’s go down, I’m starving.”
“What do you wanna eat?” Lola hastened to ask while the others were prancing about the narrow staircase.
“Ice-cream. Lots of ice-cream.”
She hurtled downstairs. Didn’t I just say that it would be a shame to go to the hospital today? Kids these days… They really didn’t respect the adults. I went down too, and we all sat down. It was time to talk.
Lola brought me some ice-cream while the others actually micro-waved their own meals and started eating with appetite. In fact, I was not that hungry. I was still nauseous, and Johan’s departure had given me a stomachache, but I would have to eat someday. Ice-cream was perfect because it was fresh and light and sweet, and you could eat it even if you had no appetite. I took a spoon of this vanilla one, that had chocolate and caramel chips, and it actually was quite good. It felt nice to be eating all together. There were no rules here, as far as food was concerned, everyone ate what they wanted to eat. In William’s pack, the strongest ones always had the best pieces and the best stuff to eat, while the rest of us had to deal with the leftovers, or even look into the garbage. It was so satisfying to eat whatever I wanted without risking my life and not to be taunted by the pack members who stuffed their bellies so much they might puke. Weird, I did not regret one single thing.
She-Wolf I Page 27
