"These are mine! What are you doing with my Ferragamos?" Cate hollered from the other room. I was frozen in my spot, my hands holding the box of tampons.
"Eva! What the fuck?" Cate leaned out of the walk-in to look at me with the shoes dangling from her fingers. "What's wrong?"
My lip trembled and I couldn’t hear her over the roaring in my ears.
"Eva." She dropped the shoes and darted into the bathroom. "What is it?" She took the box from my hands and turned my head to her. "Eva! What is going on?" She gave me a soft shake.
"Tampons."
"Yea?"
"Tampons," I whispered.
"Do you need one? What's going on?"
"No, Cate, I don't need one is the problem."
"Eva, no," she trailed off and lowered herself to the floor, taking me with her. We sat cross-legged and I bent my head in my hands and fisted my hair at the scalp.
"Do you think it's stress?" I murmured. "Please dear God, let it be stress. Let it be stress. That happens right? Cate, I’m on birth control and I can't even have kids."
"Okay, chill out. You're freaking me out."
"That's because I’m freaking out, Cate! My periods are never late. Never," I screamed at her.
"Okay, okay, okay! I’ll run to the pharmacy on the corner and get a pregnancy test. Just stay here I’ll be right back."
"Get like five of them."
"Okay." She jumped up and sped out of the room.
I sat shaking my head in my hands. My stomach lurched in anxiety, except now I didn't know if it was anxiety or morning sickness. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How could this happen? This can't be happening; I can't have kids. The doctor said it would be nearly impossible.
Nearly.
My head landed on the last word. My breathing came out in pants the more I considered the past few weeks. Carter and I were in Aspen for two weeks. By the time we left I was starting to feel sick. But we were fighting. I wasn't eating right. I was exhausted. I puked on the sidewalk on the way home. But it was an anxiety attack. That happens right? Please let it be stress induced.
Carter. I grabbed for my phone to check the clock. I needed time to process this, if indeed there was a little thing growing inside me that needed processing. It was only two o'clock, which meant I still had a few hours before he got home from work. Please don't let today be a day he comes home early from work.
Oh Jesus, I’d drunk so much wine the past few weeks. What if the little monkey had fetal alcohol syndrome? Oh my God my brain couldn't even process anything rationally anymore.
Just then I heard Cate rush back into the bedroom panting.
"Here. I got one of every brand." She tossed a bag on the floor at my feet and half a dozen pink boxes fell out. Wasn't this the sweetest image? Me sitting on the floor shaking uncontrollably with my head in my hands surrounded by pregnancy tests. A poster for abstinence that should be plastered across every high school in the country.
Please don't let Carter come home early.
"Take one, come on. I need to know if I’m going to be an aunt." Cate hauled me off the floor.
"Cate, shut up." My hands shook as I picked a box up and tried to open it.
"Here." She ripped it open and threw a test at me. I rolled my eyes at her as I went to the toilet and pulled down my jeans.
"I’m too nervous to pee." I looked up at her with terror in my eyes.
"Eva, come on," she laughed. "Just relax."
"God, what if it's positive Cate?" I whispered.
"Eva! Come on! Just pee!" Cate threw another test at my head to snap me out of my funk. I heaved a big sigh, closed my eyes and concentrated on waterfalls and warm running water. I held the stick between my legs and prayed that it was in the right position when my body relaxed enough to go. I looked up into Cate's eyes as tears streaked slowly down my cheeks.
I didn't even have words to explain to her how I was feeling. I couldn't have kids. This couldn’t be possible. My whole life I was prepared for a future without kids, so it couldn’t be the case now. I emptied my bladder and put the cap on the stick and placed it on the counter next to me before I placed my head down on my knees and sobbed.
"Eva." Cate rushed to me and flushed the toilet. "Come on, honey." She pulled me off the toilet and I pulled up my jeans and buttoned them. "Let's go lie down." She pulled me into Carter's bedroom, my bedroom, our bedroom, and lay me on the bed.
"Whatever that test says in there it's going to be okay, Eva." She smoothed her palm on my back as I lay face first with my head in a pillow.
"I don't even know what I want it to say, Cate. How messed up is that?" I sobbed some more as the knot in my throat released and tears came pouring out. "I’m not supposed to be able to have kids. Carter and I... God, he drives me insane!" I sobbed harder. "But a baby? A little baby… what if he or she has Carter's hair? Or his beautiful eyes? God Cate, can I raise a baby? What kind of mom would I be? What kind of dad would Carter be?" My voice rose at the end. Carter's issues with control—how would he be with a little toddler tornado drawing on the walls and puking on his leather furniture?
And then I remembered what he'd told me in Aspen. That his dad had left. How it had torn his heart out. I knew Carter wouldn't leave. He would never do that to his own child. Would he?
"How long for the test?" I lifted my head and sniffed.
"Do you want me to check it? It should be done…" Cate trailed off.
I stared at the bathroom door with bright light cascading out. My future was waiting for me in that bathroom. One way or the other, it would determine what happened next. Maybe my future would be more of the same. A life with Carter, just the two of us, driving each other insane. Or maybe we could adopt. Would I want to adopt? I hadn’t given it much thought before.
But then again, if there was a little pink plus sign in the window, what would my future hold? Would Carter be in it? Am I the right kind of person to give my entire life to another little human being? My heart clenched at the thought. A vision floated in my head of a little toffee-haired boy with my bright green eyes. My heart ached for him. Was I wishing him into existence? Or mourning for what could never be?
"I’ll do it." I sat up on the bed and rubbed my sweaty palms against my jeans. "Will you come with me?" I held Cate's hand tightly in my own.
"Of course." Her eyes swam with emotion as she watched me. I stood on shaky legs and we walked to the bathroom. We crossed the threshold and I saw the little white test stick on the far end of the vanity, all by itself, the keeper of my fate.
I squeezed Cate's hand as I walked closer to it. My chest rose and fell in quick breaths as I bent to see the window on the stick. I was too afraid to touch it. Too afraid what it would tell me.
My vision blurred and my head swam.
A pink positive.
We were pregnant.
We'd made a baby.
My heart roared in my ears.
"Cate." Fresh tears sprang to my eyes as I snatched the stick up in my hand and thrust it in her face.
"Eva! Eww!" She shoved my hand away.
"Cate, we're going to have a baby." Tears flowed down my cheeks as a wild smile spread across my face.
"Congratulations, honey." She captured me in a tight hug. I sobbed into her shoulder and held her tight for support. I feared my legs would give out and I would land in a puddle on the tile floor.
I pulled away from her and looked at the test in my hand again. That beautiful pink plus sign. I didn't realize I’d wanted to see it so badly. I didn't realize I’d secretly been hoping to see it. I hadn't allowed myself to hope.
My other hand went down to my tummy and caressed it. There was a little person in there, a little person that was equal parts Carter and me. The idea made me deliriously happy. I sobbed joyous tears and my smile was so wide it hurt my cheeks.
"When is Carter going to be home?" Cate asked.
"I don't know, should I call him?"
"I don't think that's the kind of thing you tell a guy o
ver the phone." Cate frowned.
"Right. God, I don't even know how he's going to react, Cate." Fear leapt into my stomach again.
"I have a feeling once he sees your reaction he'll be overjoyed." Cate wiped her own eyes. "Fuck, I can't believe I’m going to be an aunt," she giggled.
"No cussing in front of the baby!" I squealed and rubbed my stomach.
"Oh Jesus, don't even start." Cate rolled her eyes. "Do you want me to go? Maybe you should call him and tell him to come home early?"
"Yea, I guess I should do that. I'm afraid, Cate." I chewed on my bottom lip.
"I promise this is going to be okay, Eva. And your mom is going to get the grandbaby she always dreamed of!" A bright smile flashed across her face.
"Oh my God, my mom… she doesn't even know we're married yet."
"Relax. You guys do everything backwards anyway." She grinned.
I pushed her out of the bathroom.
I'd called Carter and asked if he could come home a little early today. I explained that there wasn't a problem, just a surprise. I only hoped he'd see it as a happy surprise.
After I got off the phone I changed into my favorite, curve-hugging wrap dress and settled on the couch, waiting to hear the door open. I fingered the label on a water bottle and dreamed of the future Carter and I would have with our beautiful little baby. I thought about the alcove off the master suite and how it would be perfect for the nursery. I could envision swinging a toddler between us as we walked across the street and watched him or her run through the park. I sighed as I thought about being nine months pregnant, wearing maternity clothes, going to doctor appointments, and seeing our little monkey on the ultrasound.
My heart swelled to double its size with love for the little person I hadn't even met yet.
And then I heard the door open and butterflies choked my throat and my brain seized up.
"Hey, babe." Carter left his briefcase on the side table and walked into the living room. He looked delicious in a pale grey suit with a white shirt and thin black tie. His hair was perfectly tousled and his soft lips were curved in a warm smile as he walked toward me. He hauled me off the couch and planted a kiss on my lips. "You look gorgeous." His hands roamed around my back and down to my bottom.
"Thanks." I heaved a sigh. Maybe we could skip this conversation and I could beg him to take me upstairs and press me up against those windows in the bedroom.
"Everything okay?" He dipped his head and his gorgeous blue eyes regarded me thoughtfully.
"Yea, everything is perfect." I chewed on my lower lip.
"Then why this?" He quirked an eyebrow and pulled my lip from between my teeth. I looked anywhere but in his eyes. "Eva?" A worried tone entered his voice.
"Sit down." I sat and patted the couch next to me. He arched an eyebrow in mild surprise before taking the seat next to me. I grabbed for his hand and stroked the soft skin. I think it was more to soothe my nerves than his.
"I love you so much," I started and then paused thinking how to word it.
"Yes?" He dipped his head to catch my gaze.
"I… don't really know how to say this," I whispered without looking at him.
"Just tell me, Eva. Anything. Whatever it is just tell me."
I bit my lip and my heartbeat roared in my ears as I slowly lifted my head to meet his eyes. Oh God, I can’t do this.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
But I have to.
"Carter, we're… we made a baby." I stopped breathing in that instant.
He only stared back at me. No words. No reaction whatsoever. It was like I hadn't spoken the words at all. Did I say them out loud? Did I only think I’d said them? Should I repeat myself?
"Carter," I whispered and brought my hand up to his jaw for a soft caress. His muscle flinched at my touch and a dark look crossed his eyes. I could see his chest heaving with his breath as his eyes penetrated mine.
"Carter." I pressed my palm a little firmer to his cheek.
"I thought you were on birth control." The words escaped through clenched teeth.
"I was. I am." I barely had the words out before his hand grabbed my wrist and wrenched it away from his face.
"How did this happen?" He looked at the paintings on the wall across the room.
"I… I don't know," I stuttered. But I’m happy, Carter. I’m so happy. Please be happy.
He sat for a few breathless moments, or a million, I wasn't sure. Then he stood up and headed out of the room.
"Where are you going?" I whispered, the heartache cracking my voice.
"To get a drink." He shrugged the jacket off his shoulders and tossed it on the back of a chair. I watched his beautiful form walking away from me, the muscles of his shoulders clearly defined beneath the perfectly fitted white dress shirt. I ached to run my fingers across his back, up his neck and into his hair. I wanted to soothe his mind. Tell him we would be okay, that this could be a good thing.
He went to the side table and poured a glass of whiskey and slung it back. He slammed the glass on the counter before pouring more of the amber liquid into it and then downing that too. I watched the beautiful, feral, angry man before me, slamming shots of whiskey because I was carrying our child.
"I’ll be in the office," he said through clenched teeth before leaving the room. My heart fell onto the granite tile and shattered into a million pieces and then uncontrollable sobs followed.
Nine
I woke curled up on the bed the next morning, still in my clothes and on top of the sheets. I had stumbled up here late last night after Carter had stayed holed up in his office for hours. I stretched and then ran to the bathroom to empty my bladder. My eyes felt raw and heavy from all the crying I’d done the night before. Carter obviously hadn't come to bed last night. What did that mean for us? Was this the end? Had he thrown his walls up and our little monkey and me were firmly positioned on the outside? My heart wrenched at the thought.
I took a shower and let the scalding hot water rush over my body. I rubbed my tummy and talked to the little human growing inside. I told him that I loved him, and that he was so wanted and so cherished already. I told him that his daddy would come around because he loved both of us, but deep down I wasn't sure if I believed it.
Tears streamed down my cheeks and sobs escaped my throat. I was deliriously happy to be given the one thing I’d never thought I could have and I was devastated that the one person I dreamed of sharing it with may not want us in his life. I stood in the shower for an untold amount of time. I didn't know if I’d washed my hair or my body, I couldn't remember, but by the time I stepped out I was pulling from a place of strength deep down inside.
If I had to raise our baby alone I would do it. I couldn't make Carter want us but I knew that I wanted this little baby and that would be enough. It would have to be. Carter's mom had done a beautiful job raising him, so I knew if I had to do it, it could be done. My heart tightened at the memory of his pain that night in the hot tub talking about his past. I hoped he wouldn't make that decision, but I had no control if he did.
I wrapped my hair in a towel and threw on my bathrobe before padding barefoot to the kitchen for orange juice. Then I remembered I’d have to pick up some prenatal vitamins today and schedule a doctor appointment. I didn't know who to go to, but I’d find out and I’d manage. The thought crossed my mind that perhaps Carter's parents could recommend someone, but clearly that wasn't an option since I didn't even know if Carter would be in our lives at this point. I sipped my orange juice in the kitchen and gazed out the window lost in thought.
"Good morning, ma'am." An older woman stepped into the kitchen.
"Hi, I’m Eva." I gave her a small smile.
"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Morgan. I'm Joan, the housekeeper. Mr. Morgan told me you'd be down shortly." A warm smile brightened her face.
"Nice to meet you, Joan. Do you know where Mr. Morgan is?" I asked casually.
"I believe he went for a swim." She bustled in the kitchen wiping
counters.
"Thanks." I set my glass in the sink before leaving the kitchen.
I didn't know if I should look for Carter; I didn't know if he wanted to see me, but then again I didn't know that I shouldn't either. And at the very least I was going to stick up for us, our little monkey and me, and I only hoped that Carter would too. I climbed the stairs to the fourth floor and exited onto the terrace and then climbed the small stairwell onto the roof. I turned the corner and saw the infinity pool open up before me to the Public Garden and the Boston skyline beyond. Steam rose off the heated pool and mingled with the cool November air.
The beautiful man that was my husband and the father of my child cut through the water with quick and confident strokes. His long arms sliced the water and his back muscles rippled with the movement. His broad shoulders glistened in the morning light and my eyes trailed down to his slim waist and the fitted black swim trunks he wore. His muscled legs kicked smoothly and soundlessly. He took my breath away.
I stood and watched him silently and rubbed my tummy though the thick bathrobe. A small smile played across my lips that I'd managed to land such a beautiful man, but my mind reminded me that he might be on the verge of throwing me from his life. I desperately hoped that Carter could break down the walls he always managed to build up to let our little monkey and me in. I decided not to ruin the beautiful moment and turned to make my way back down the stairs to the master suite.
I dried my hair and dressed to run some errands. By the time I went downstairs I saw that Carter's briefcase was gone so I knew he'd left for work. Joan confirmed it. My heart broke a little more at the thought that he hadn't said a word to me before leaving.
When I returned from the pharmacy with prenatal vitamins Joan was in the living room dusting Carter's beautiful paintings. I'd done some research before I'd left this morning on Boston obstetricians but the options were overwhelming.
"Joan?" I wandered up behind her.
"Yes, Mrs. Morgan?"
"Please, call me Eva." I gave her a warm smile. "I was wondering… Do you know of any obstetricians? There are so many to choose from, and I don't know anyone to give me a recommendation…" I trailed off.
Precious Lace (Lace #4) Page 6
