by Len Webster
Julian let out a dry laugh. “Says the guy who was just concerned about how close his best friend is to the woman he loves. Max is our best friend, but he has this habit. First, Alex’s ex, Sarah. Then Noel’s girlfriend at the time, Andrea. And now, Ally, who we both know you’re in love with. We all know Sarah ruined him and he can’t have Andrea. And well, he’s … lonely. Max is a charmer; you really want Ally falling in love with him?”
“No,” he confessed in a tiny voice. “I’m gonna shower and I’ll be there in a half hour. Julian, as my brother, can I trust you to make sure he doesn’t do to me what he did to Noel? You know how I feel about her.”
The jealousy clung to his heart, dragging its beats to uncomfortable thumps. If he lost Allison to a stranger, he’d learn to live with it. But to Max, it would be a betrayal he’d never get over. Not in the way Alex had or the way he was sure Noel would.
“You love her,” Julian stated. “I may have a man-crush on Max, but you’re my brother and I’ll make sure he doesn’t make a move like he did with Andrea.”
Rob’s body relaxed. He knew he could always trust his brother. It wasn’t as if he hated Max, but he couldn’t take that chance. Not with Allison.
Not with the woman I love.
Once Rob had parked his Holden Commodore at the rear of PJ’s, he made his way around the building and towards the entry. He glanced over to his left to see the sun setting over the Yarra, causing it to shimmer. Four days a week, he trained on the river. Before every professional and competitive race, he’d cut back on his days as a sales manager at Endurance Sports. Ralph Donoghue, his coach, had directed Rob their way, and his employers were supportive of Rob’s career. He had the perfect setup between work and training. Any other day he wasn’t working, he was on the rowing machine at the gym.
When he had left Allison’s apartment, he’d gone straight to the gym and was on a machine. He had lied to her. He didn’t have a training session with Ralph. Rob had needed out of there, not trusting himself in a room with her. Digging his hands into his pockets, Rob made his way towards the entrance of PJ’s. There were two on Southbank, but the one closer to the row club was his favourite. He could say he was here to have a beer with his brother, but it was a complete lie. Rob was at PJ’s to make sure his best friend didn’t make a move on Allison. He loved Max like a brother, but Max had a habit of seconds. He didn’t want to say sloppy seconds since Allison and Andrea were neither. But Sarah had been.
Just as he made it to the doors, he noticed someone sitting alone at one of the outside tables. He squinted to see that it was Allison, intently looking at the piece of paper in her hands. Rob had noticed her chewing her bottom lip as she set the paper down, retrieved a pen from her bag, and wrote something down. With a hesitant first step, he wandered over to her table.
“Hey,” he said in a controlled tone. It had been hours since he last saw her, but it felt longer. It felt longer than the months they had been apart. Since she returned to Sydney. “Why are you out here by yourself?”
“Just wanted some air.” Slowly and he assumed as casually as she could, Allison folded the piece of paper and put it in her handbag that sat on the table. Her actions piqued his interest. Her posture was stiff, and it seemed she had held her breath.
“Can I sit with you?” he asked, gesturing to the free chair in front of him.
Allison breathed out and nodded. “Sure.”
It surprised him that he sat down in one fluid motion. No hesitation or stumble. Usually, he was a fool around her. Never his controlled self. He peeked over to see her hands tremble as if she was afraid of him. The urge to reach over and caress them grew fierce. But he couldn’t. One gentle touch and he’d crack. Dreams would evaporate to be with her. No, dreams would explode to be with Allison. And given enough time, he was sure he’d submit to her.
Rob shook his head. Those thoughts would not resurface. He couldn’t let them. “Moved in all right?”
“Yes, thank you,” she replied in a small voice.
“That’s good.”
Then there was silence between them. The only thing besides the thick tension was the chatter of people from the other tables outside of the pub.
“I got a job,” Allison said.
He lifted his chin to see the pleased smile on her face reach her hazel eyes. Her expression was beautiful, and this was the first time Rob had ever seen her so happy. Then his brows furrowed.
A job?
She’s a millionaire.
“Why would you need a job?” he asked. It came off as bitter, and he knew she noticed it. Her flinch was as clear as day. That happy gleam in her eyes quickly vanished, replaced with a flash of hurt that dug deep into his chest. He was not wrong; he had always hurt her in some way.
Maybe this was for the better.
“Let me guess, it just fell into your lap?” He’d hoped it came off as a tease, but the way her eyelids fluttered, he knew he had messed up again.
She averted his line of sight as she rose from her seat and picked up her bag. “You’re right. I don’t deserve this job,” she said in a strained voice.
She began to make her way towards the pub’s entry. Rob quickly got out of the chair and chased her; his hand gripped her arm, stopping her.
“What are you doing?” he asked, his eyes searched her sad pair.
Her lips parted as she blinked at him as if he should know the answer. “I’m going to tell Mitch that I quit.”
“Allison,” he breathed. Her body eased under his touch. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t quit. I’m an asshole. I didn’t—Mitch?”
She nodded. “I got a job here.”
“At PJ’s?”
“Yes.”
Oh, fuck.
Rob knew what it meant. He’d see her more often than he’d like. For staying away, the universe was adamant that their paths crossed. After every row session, he ended up at PJ’s. It was a rowing tradition. And now, he’d see Allison more times than he really should.
“Why?” He came out sounding tortured. If he could keep her away, he’d be the happiest man on Earth. He released her arm and stepped back, dividing them with a distance that was not as far as he would have liked.
“I-I,” she stammered and then took a deep breath. “I’ve been cut off.”
“That’s a joke, right?” He could even hear the disbelief in his own voice.
She gave him a tight smile. “I have no money to my name. That’s why I got a job. But I didn’t earn it so—”
“No,” he interrupted her. “Don’t quit because I said something stupid. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry, Allison.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“I’m …” He closed his mouth quickly.
Allison lifted her chin and then raised a brow. “Yeah?”
Rob sucked air through his nose then reached for her hand. Ignoring the screaming voice in his head that told him how idiotic the move had been as his thumb stroked her index finger. “I’m proud of you.”
She gasped.
Four words and she appeared as if she were about to cry.
“I know you would have had to stand up to your father for you to be cut off. I’m really proud of you,” he explained.
“Robbi—” She quickly shut her mouth. “Sorry. That means a lot to hear, Rob.” She emphasised the ‘b,’ and he couldn’t help but chuckle. As the relief consumed the features of her face, Rob knew he needed to stop being horrible to her. He had to cope. He’d figure out a way to. He was torturing himself. They might never be together, but he missed her friendship and that mattered more than pushing her away.
“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked, hopeful.
Allison’s cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink. Not too bright or dark. It was beautiful to see. That and the surprised expression on her face. “You want to buy me a drink?”
“Are you still on your detox? You know, since the last time I saw you?”
“Ummm, yeah, I am. Sorry.” She’d said
it with so much guilt it made his chest tighten.
Rob squeezed her hand and smiled down at her. “Don’t be. I’ll order you something else. Anything that’s lemonade, right? With a slice of lemon?”
Her cheeks rose with her smile. “You remembered.”
“Yeah. Can we talk? Like away from Stevie and Julian? I want us to be friends,” he offered. The fear that she’d reject him escalated, causing the thumps to beat against his ribcage. It was a scorching phenomenon going on inside him. The truth was that he didn’t deserve a chance or her time. He deserved absolute rejection from her.
She nodded. “Sure. But I just have to go to the bathroom. My arm touched something sticky on the table.” Allison let go of his hand and raised her arm to make her point. “It’s kinda gross.”
11. If you’re able to, without ever thinking you’re never gonna make it, fall in love someday.
Ally stared at number eleven on her list after she had washed off the sticky residue from her arm in the women’s bathroom. She had added it moments before Rob had joined her by the table. Though she was as discreet as possible, she hoped he hadn’t seen her list. Frankly, she hoped no one ever did. It was a list for her. And while she listened to Max and Mitch talk at the counter earlier, she wanted to add more to it. Bucket list meant an end. So, instead, she had mentally labelled her list the ‘life’s potential’ list. Though it included the necessary things she had to do, it would include all the wants she wanted in life.
Like fall in love.
Though she was away from all the opportunists she knew in Sydney, she knew falling in love was hard. She knew deep down that she could only really fall in love with one person. She wasn’t there, but she knew it’d only be a matter of time. But if life was pleasant enough, Ally hoped she fell in love with someone new. Not with Rob. Not with a man who wanted to be her friend. And definitely not with a man who had no feelings towards her.
Laying the list flat, she reached over and took out a pen from her bag. With a sigh, she decided to add to the list.
12. Never fall in love with a man if you can’t promise him a future.
When she lifted the pen from the full stop she had made, she glanced down at it. Promising a man a future seemed unlikely. A future meant kids. Sure, she wanted her own, but it didn’t seem like it would be for her. Having non-functioning kidneys led to other health problems. She’d probably never see her children grow up. And that would be the worst kind of pain.
Ally looked at her reflection in the mirror and nodded to herself. “Never fall in love with a man if you can’t promise him a future,” she repeated.
A deep breath was made and then she shoved the pen and paper in her handbag; she exited the bathroom and scanned the pub. First, she noticed her roommates, Stevie and Julian, by the counter ordering drinks. Then her eyes found Max on the phone towards a corner, far from the others. And then, finally, she saw Rob sitting at a table towards the back of the pub. His eyes focused on the tall glass of clear liquid that bubbled as a slice of lemon floated. Her heart fluttered at the sight. She couldn’t believe he remembered her preferred drink. It was at Noel and Clara’s wedding before she went outside with him and sat in the golf carts, and after he had apologised for being rude to her, that she’d had him order for her. He’d joked that he’d buy her a drink when they both knew that it was a free bar.
Suddenly, her chest felt heavy, her breathing just the same. The memory of when he’d told her he loved Stevie wreaked havoc. Her stomach knotted as she walked towards him. Her movements were unintentionally slow. She wasn’t sure why she suddenly felt lightheaded, but she needed to sit down. When she had finally taken the seat in front of Rob, she sighed in relief.
“You okay?” he asked, the glimmer of concern in his light blue eyes had her nodding.
“I’m fine. Just felt sick for a second.”
Rob reached out and grasped her left hand. “Do you need anything? I can take you home if you like?”
Never fall in love with Rob if you can’t promise him a future.
The breath of air she had taken lodged in her throat. In the bathroom, she had made number twelve general, but as she sat in front of him with his hand covering hers, she had made twelve about him.
She could never fall in love with Rob.
And it felt almost unfair to her. She was attracted to him, cared deeply, but she couldn’t. He’d never let her. If anything, Ally didn’t believe she deserved to fall in love. She had lured men into deals with her father. She wasn’t the person she wanted to be, and she didn’t want someone to love that Ally. The one with the reputation. The one the magazines and papers wrote about.
“Hey, look at me.”
And she did. The pair of light blues that focused on her made that heavy pressure return to her chest. She breathed out slowly, hoping her body would stop its irregularities. “Sorry, I spaced out for a second.”
“Come on,” Rob said, standing up.
“You’re leaving?” she asked, disappointed.
He pulled her up from her chair. “We’re leaving.”
“Why? You haven’t touched your beer, and you bought me a drink. I can’t waste it,” she argued, trying to release her hand from his.
“Allison, I’m taking you home. You don’t look well.”
Duh! I have chronic kidney disease, Robbie.
The thought had her stilling. She wasn’t well, but Rob didn’t know that. He didn’t have to know. Once she’d pulled her hand free, Ally reached over and picked up her bag.
“It’s okay, Rob. I’ll take a taxi. You shouldn’t waste your beer or your night taking me home,” she said not looking at him. Then she made her way towards the exit; she’d message Stevie once she got home, telling her that she was tired.
But she hadn’t gotten very far when Rob grasped her arm and stopped her. “Hey, I’d be wasting my night sitting there if I let you go home on your own. Come on, if we’re gonna do this friends thing, then you gotta let me be your friend, Allison. Honesty; can I have that?”
No.
Instead, she softly said, “Yes.”
He brought his hands to her shoulders and then shifted her so that their eyes locked. “I’m trying here. I’m really trying.”
“I know you are. I appreciate it, but …”
“If you want Max to take you, I can get him—”
“What?” She shook her head. “Why would I want Max to take me home?”
“It’s just a thought,” he explained. The nervousness in his voice had her blinking at him. Rob wasn’t the type to get nervous. Angry and frustrated, sure. But nervous was new.
“Do you think I’m interested in Max?” She sounded horrified rather than curious.
“Forget it. I’ll take you home,” he said and then stalked past her and left the pub.
Ally stood there, confused. For a minute, she thought her attraction to him could be mutual, that he felt something. Shaking her head, she spun around and followed him. She had to quicken her steps to reach him.
“Rob!” she shouted for his attention.
Before he had rounded the corner, he halted and then turned around to face her. “Yeah?”
She panted, her lack of fitness was showing. “Let’s get something straight,” she said.
He nodded.
“I am not interested in Max, okay?”
Another nod from him.
“The thing is …”
“Yes, Allison?”
A heavy exhale escaped her lips. “Max will never be someone different to me. Unfortunately, someone once said that I was beautiful and that kinda ruined me. Someday, I’ll find someone who’ll tell me that and mean it. And I know it’s not Max.”
Rob didn’t say anything. All he did was blink at her. Then after several silent seconds, he said, “It’s not Max,” and then turned back around. She noticed that he had balled his fists before he led her to his car.
It’s not Max.
Those three words gave her hope.
&nb
sp; Ridiculous hope.
When she reached the hallway table, Ally stared at the set of keys in her hand. There was a cupcake keychain on it, and she smiled. It had belonged to Clara, and she had left them behind for her. When Stevie had given them to her, there was a note from her former sister-in-law-to-be. It read: “I’m sorry I’m not there, but I am so proud of you. I believe in you, Ally. You’ll be everything you want to be. I know it. Enjoy your freedom. Love, Clara.”
She missed speaking to Clara more than anyone. But her leaving Liam had hurt Ally. It was like a reoccurring sting that she couldn’t get rid of. She was truly happy for her best friend, but she had wanted her to stay. The sound of the door clicking closed had her dropping her keys on the table. She glanced over to see Rob’s hands in the pockets of his jeans, staring at her.
“Thank you for taking me home,” she said with a smile.
Home.
Ally liked the sound of it. Not Sydney. Melbourne was now her home. So long as she didn’t break her deal, Melbourne could be her future. She set her bag next to her keys and shifted her body so that she looked at him properly. He still hadn’t said a word since he parked his car and walked her to her apartment. The music from the radio had masked the awkward silence on their ride from PJ’s.
“Would you like a drink? I think Julian has some beer in the—”
“Allison, stop talking for a second,” he instructed in a gentle voice.
Her sentence ended.
His eyes were firm on hers. Rob then pulled his hands from his pockets and closed their distance. A lengthy breath left his lips as he cupped her face. Ally flinched at the contact of his palms on her skin. He left her breathless as her heart raced inside her chest.
“What are you doing?” she whispered.
“Before, when you said that maybe someday you’ll find someone who’ll say you’re beautiful and mean it …” His voice was hoarse, like he was breathless himself. Rob’s thumb swept against her cheekbone, radiating warmth throughout her.
“Yes?”
Rob’s eyes hooded over. “I meant it.”
