That wasn’t such a bad thing to have.
“Please stay,” Roland whispered.
Donny licked his lips and nodded his head in acquiescence.
“I’ll be your boyfriend, if that’s what you want.” Roland grabbed Donny’s hand and kissed his knuckles.
Donny sniffed and looked at their connected hands. “I want it to be what you want. I want it to be important for you, and it’s not. And,” he stopped talking.
“You’re important to me,” Roland filled in, “can that be enough for now?”
This wasn’t what he wanted, but it was a half-win. Roland admitted that Donny mattered, and that should count for more than a stupid title. Donny nodded.
“It’s enough.”
Chapter 23
How Do You Know Our Sweet Birthday Boy?
Roland hadn’t seen much of Donny the past couple weeks— he’d been working and Roland had been painting. Donny would come over after work every couple nights, and they would eat, and fuck, and fall asleep covered in each other’s sweat, wrapped in each other’s arms. Donny was quickly becoming an integral part of Roland’s new normal.
Neither of them brought up the topic of relationship titles since the night he’d broken his two-drink rule. Donny wasn’t acting any different than he had before the conversation, so Roland let it be. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have feelings for Donny. He did. And they grew exponentially every time Roland stepped in front of a canvas.
The night before, Roland had received a phone call from a gallery owner in Venice. They were having an event the week after Donny’s birthday, and the artist they’d commissioned was unable to make the deadline. Someone had mentioned Roland’s name to the owner and he’d called to see if he had any pieces to show. It would be mutually beneficial, he’d been told— publicity for Roland, and for the gallery since they’d be hosting his first show in nearly ten years.
He did have pieces to show. In the past two weeks, he’d painted a series of sunrises to complement the sunsets from a decade prior. The memory of what the sun looked like as it crested over the horizon in the spring was emblazoned in his mind. Vibrant and beautiful hues of gold and pink breaking through the dark violet of night. Painting the four canvases had come easily to him.
Roland was struggling now, though, on his current piece. It was meant to be a gift for Donny on his birthday, and Roland needed it to be just right. Donny had made a joke about Roland getting him flowers once, and Roland had scoffed at the idea of getting someone as steady as Donny something as fleeting as flowers. But he’d had a dream one night and realized he would get Donny flowers for his birthday, but he would paint them so they’d last forever. This way, Donny would always know that no matter what happened, in this moment, he was worth it. He was worth everything— Roland’s time and patience, his sobriety, his fidelity. Donny fucking deserved everything Roland was giving him and far more he ever could.
He stepped back and glared at the canvas. The flowers were lovely, but something was missing. The orange and yellow blossoms were engulfed by the vibrant blue background color Roland had chosen. They were getting lost. Roland turned to face the window, the sun was setting, but it was still light outside. He braced himself against the windowsill and closed his eyes. Flashes of bright white danced behind his eyelids, and he snapped his eyes open immediately. That was what was missing. White. Pure, and perfect, and simple white.
Roland found a new brush and painted nearly a dozen daisies in the front of the bouquet then stepped back, dropping the brush to the ground. He smiled, finally satisfied with his gift for Donny. His heart thumped loud and strong in his chest when he thought of the way Donny would smile and kiss him after he gave him the canvas.
He’d been lying to himself. This relationship with Donny was far more serious than Roland had admitted to either of them. He needed to make it right. He would make it right.
“Roland?” He heard his name called from the front door. He glanced down at his watch—time had gotten away from him. He’d taken too long with the flowers, and Donny was here and ready to leave for his birthday party. Roland would have to give him the canvas later tonight. Hopefully, it would be dry by then.
He walked out of the studio, closing the door behind him to keep Pete and Donny out. He smiled when he saw Donny standing in his living room wearing tight, black slacks with a white button-down and skinny black tie. His hair swooped across his forehead and the inky black color made his eyes appear electrified when he looked up at Roland.
“Sorry, I lost track of time.” Roland leaned down to give Donny a kiss. Donny hummed against his lips.
“S’okay. I was a little early anyway. Excited to show you this.” Donny handed over a piece of paper, which Roland unfolded and scanned over quickly.
“Mmmn. Negative, negative, negative. Happy Birthday, indeed.” He pulled back and licked his lips, pulling in the lingering minty taste of Donny’s mouth.
“My birthday’s not until tomorrow.” Donny grinned.
“But I have a passable bill of health too, isn’t that worth celebrating tonight? Your present, though, you won’t get until tomorrow.” Roland tugged Donny into the bedroom, handing him the test results he’d set on the nightstand, then stripping his pants off so he could change. Donny sat on the edge of the bed and chewed on his lip while he read the results, then he watched Roland strip down to nothing more than a pair of black briefs.
“Are you trying to tell me that I get a present that’s better than taking you bare?” Donny made a show of adjusting his cock through the fabric of his pants.
Roland rolled his eyes and tugged on a pair of dark-wash jeans. “You deserve more than I could ever give you.”
“Be that as it may,” Donny said lightly, quoting Roland from earlier, “you are all I want.”
Donny hadn’t meant that statement to weigh as much as it did, but the sincerity and the truth of it ricocheted in Roland’s head until it settled itself with a sticky and heavy finality. Roland hated the thought that Donny was settling by being with him. He glanced over his shoulder and watched the way Donny caught his eye and smiled. He watched the way Donny’s eyes sparked when they traced the lines of Roland’s arms, and Roland’s selfishness weighed on him like a stone.
“Am I?” he questioned before tugging a white v-neck tee over his head. Roland’s mind warred back and forth with itself.
Accept Donny at his word and give him all you can or cut him loose before it’s too late.
“Of course.”
Roland slid a navy blue blazer up his arms and shrugged into it, stepping into a pair of unlaced black boots before he turned back to Donny. He held his arms out to his sides and lifted his shoulders.
“Do I pass muster?”
Donny stood up and walked across the room, sliding his hands over Roland’s waist.
“Everyone is going to be so jealous of me tonight when they see you on my arm.” Donny smiled at him, and Roland hated himself a little more. Yeah, this thing with Donny might be an actual relationship, and he might be ready to acknowledge that, but that didn’t change the fact Donny deserved more than him.
“Debatable. Come on, let’s go.” Roland took Donny’s hand and guided them out of the bedroom.
Donny’s birthday party was being held at some restaurant in Hollywood that Athena loved, and since she'd been the one wanting to arrange it, Donny had let her plan everything. He pulled up a ride-share app on his phone and scheduled a pick-up.
“The car will be here in five minutes. We should head downstairs.” He slid his phone back into his pocket.
“Let me just fill up Pete’s water.” Roland held Pete’s bowl under the tap, then set it back down on the ground next to his food dish. Pete was nowhere in sight, and Roland was pretty sure he was tucked into the corner of the couch as that had become his favorite place to lie while Donny and Roland had dinner.
“You take very good care of him,” Donny observed, wrapping his fingers around Roland’s hand as th
ey walked to the elevator. Roland shrugged.
“You take very good care of me, too.” Donny pushed him into the elevator and slid his palm down the front of Roland’s pants.
Roland groaned. “I think you mean you take good care of me.”
Donny curved his fingers around the shape of Roland’s cock and squeezed, only letting go as the elevator came to a stop on the ground floor. He hummed a non-committal sound and stepped back.
“We’re on a two-way street, just so you know.”
Roland followed Donny to the curb, trying to adjust himself without drawing attention to the fact that five seconds of attention from Donny’s hand had gotten him noticeably hard. Donny stepped in front of him and then back, aligning his ass with Roland’s cock, and he shimmied a little before looking over his shoulder to chuckle at Roland.
“You’re a tease.”
Their car arrived and ushered them through the horrendous traffic that existed in Hollywood every Friday night but reached the restaurant in surprising time. They got out of the car and Donny stared up at the sign for the restaurant before he reached down and grabbed Roland’s hand. Donny’s palm was clammy.
“I don’t want to go in,” he whispered, daring a glance at Roland.
“Why not?” Roland casually stroked his thumb over Donny’s knuckles in what he hoped was a reassuring way. It was something Donny had done for him more times than Roland could count.
“I just want to be with you.”
Roland squeezed his hand. “You are with me.” He meant for that to mean more than physically, and he hoped Donny would understand the meaning in his eyes.
“Am I?” Donny’s looked doubtful.
Roland nodded. “Come on.” He tugged Donny into the restaurant.
It was dark inside and loud. Roland gave the hostess Donny’s name and she pointed them toward a private room in the back. It was decidedly quieter in the room until Athena saw them enter and jumped up and screamed.
“The birthday boy is here!” She ran around the table and snatched her brother into her arms. Donny held fast to his hand, and Roland squeezed before untangling their fingers and allowing Athena to sweep him away.
“Can I get you anything to drink, sir?” A waitress appeared out of nowhere and Roland nodded eagerly.
“Vodka on the rocks.”
“Easy peasy. I’ll be right back.” She was gone as quickly as she’d appeared. Roland swallowed, but his throat felt dry and scratchy. He watched Athena pass Donny from person to person, a broad smile on her face. He obliged her and offered smiles and hugs, and Roland watched the tension in Donny’s shoulders slowly dissipate.
Roland leaned back against the wall, not wanting to force himself into the melee if Donny didn’t need him there. The waitress reappeared and slipped a cold glass into Roland’s hand. He smiled and took a sip, just as Donny’s eyes met his from across the room. Donny glanced at the glass, then motioned for Roland to join him. He pushed off the wall and walked around the table to Donny, who comfortably slid an arm around his waist.
Donny had been talking with a guy who was somewhere between Donny and Roland’s age. He was tall, almost Roland’s height, and well dressed. The guy had on dark gray slacks that clung to what he could tell were muscular thighs, and a navy blue button-up shirt tucked into his pants and rolled up at the sleeves. His arms were decorated with a spattering of tattoos that extended all the way down to his wrists before cutting off abruptly.
“This is Chris,” Donny said, gesturing to the brown-haired, amber-eyed man in front of them. Roland arched an eyebrow and extended his hand. Chris took it with a firm grip and a smirk.
“Roland.” He swallowed a mouthful of his drink, dropping Chris’s hand.
“And how do you know our sweet birthday boy?” Chris asked with twinkling eyes that sparkled between the two of them. Roland watched him, then looked down at Donny, whose cheeks colored a brilliant shade of red. Roland clenched his jaw and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and taking another drink before he answered.
“I’m his boyfriend.”
Donny’s fingers dug into Roland’s skin and his head snapped up. Donny searched his face with a confused look in his eyes.
“You are?” Donny asked him softly.
“Aren’t I?” Roland pressed kiss to Donny’s forehead before separating their bodies and finishing the rest of his drink in one swallow. “If you’ll excuse me.” Roland mock saluted Chris and offered Donny a passably believable smile, and then stepped away, leaving Donny with a man Roland was certain was better suited for him.
He could feel Donny’s eyes on him as he crossed the room, and when he reached the door he looked over his shoulder to meet Donny’s stare. Donny’s face looked concerned, and Roland hated it so he forced a smile and gave a slight nod. Donny’s features softened and he smiled back and then returned to his conversation.
He ducked his head down and made his way out of the private dining room and pushed his way up to the bar, signaling the bartender. He ordered another vodka and downed it before the bartender even had time to finish the next patron’s drink. This was a bad idea, but this felt familiar. This felt safe.
Roland had been stupid to think Donny still wanted to be his boyfriend. After the way Roland had acted the last time it came up, he wouldn’t want to be his own boyfriend either. They were still fucking, but Donny had been putting space between them, and it all seemed so glaringly obvious to Roland now. He didn’t know what history Donny had with this Chris person, but the look in Chris’s eyes as he trailed them up Donny’s body had made it apparent that if they didn’t have a past, he at least wanted a shot at the future.
Roland ordered another drink. He’d known all along it would come to this. He shouldn’t have let his guard down, he shouldn’t have assumed things with Donny would last. They had always been too good to be true. From Donny’s kind and gentle patience, to his dominant and confident sexuality, it was as if Donny had been made from everything Roland dreamed about having in his life and had somehow just manifested on his doorstep.
The edges of Roland’s vision began to blur as he picked up his third glass of vodka. He felt drunker than he’d expected to, so he dug out his wallet and tossed some bills on the bar before he stumbled backward and made his way back toward the party. He made it one step inside the room, and his eyes landed on Donny, who was casually leaning against the wall still talking to Chris. He laughed at something Chris said, and Roland could see his eyes light up, that beautiful sapphire blue caught in the dim light of the room. Donny reached out and pressed a hand to Chris’s chest, and Chris reached up and wrapped his fingers around Donny’s wrist, returning the laugh.
Roland was aware that he was suddenly dangerously close to tears. His eyes welled up, and his vision was blurry from more than just the alcohol now. He brought his drink up to his mouth and swallowed the whole thing as he turned to leave the party. Dangling the glass in his hand, he swerved and bumped into someone who reached up and pressed their hands against his shoulders to steady him.
“Whoa there. You okay?” The man asked. Roland tried to blink him into focus, and he was fairly certain it was Gabriel, but he couldn’t trust his eyes and all the blinking had done was allow a stray tear to escape and slide down his cheek.
“Can you tell Donny I had to go?” Roland asked as he struggled to right his posture after Gabriel released his shoulders.
“Sure, but are you okay?” he asked again.
Roland thrust his empty glass into Gabriel’s hand and offered what he hoped was a nod before pushing past him and walking out.
Chapter 24
It Doesn't Mean Anything Now
“I can’t believe it’s been six years since I’ve seen you,” Chris laughed, wrapping his fingers around Donny’s wrist. Donny smiled and shook his head in disbelief.
“You were so in love with Athena, it was sick.”
“She definitely caught my attention when we were kids. But I know better now.” Chris�
��s voice trailed off and he dropped Donny’s hand.
“Yeah?”
Chris looked up and offered him a small smile and a nod. “It’s been an interesting few years, Donny. I’ll tell you that.”
They clinked glasses and were joined by a distressed looking Gabriel.
“Gabriel, hey. Have you met Chris? He’s an old friend of Athena’s.” Donny slapped his hand against Gabriel’s back. Gabriel inclined his head toward Chris then focused his attention on Donny.
“I just saw Roland on my way in. He said to tell you he was leaving.”
Donny furrowed his brow. “He left?”
Gabriel nodded. “He looked pretty upset. Is everything okay?”
Donny opened his mouth and closed it. Why would Roland leave without saying anything? He just stepped away and then decided to go? That didn’t make any sense.
“Maybe go after him,” Gabriel suggested.
Donny nodded and gave both men an apologetic smile. “You’re right. Gabriel, can you tell Athena I’ll be right back?” He looked toward Chris. “It was great to see you again, man. We should get together soon.”
“Sure thing, Donny.” Chris smiled and stepped back to let Donny pass by.
On his way out of the restaurant, he dug his phone out but found no messages or calls from Roland. He typed out a text.
Donny: Where’d you go? Gabriel said you took off.
He leaned against a wall outside and waited, receiving no reply. He dialed Roland’s number and was sent to voicemail after one ring. He called again and received the same treatment. He tried a third time and it didn’t even ring. Donny groaned in frustration and opened his ride-share app and called for a car.
He was back at Roland’s less than half an hour later, and as he rode the elevator up, his frustration grew. He didn’t so much care that Roland had effectively made him leave his birthday party early by disappearing without a word. What he cared about was the fact that something made Roland leave and he didn’t even tell Donny about it, then didn’t text him to say if everything was okay.
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