Bloody hell . . . What was I going to say when I went downstairs? It wasn’t like I could blame this one on my monthly. I climbed out of bed and glanced down at myself. I was wearing one of my nightgowns, but still had dried, black blood all over me. He’d changed me, but I bet he didn’t even look. He was always telling me to keep my clothes on, or putting them back on for me. How aggravating was that?
After last night, I wasn’t certain about my feelings. I should have been angry that he took it that far, without my consent. But I couldn’t help but feel thankful for this constant warmth in my palms.
Something on my desk caught my attention, and I glanced down to see a few words written on a piece of paper: Number thirty is wrong. The only princess I’ve done is you.
For a moment, I just looked at his handwriting, somehow fascinated at the scrawl—but then, unease ran through me, and I found my list and flipped it over.
Number thirty: I hate that you lied to me about not ‘doing’ princesses, yet in the gossip rags there’ve been three claiming to have been in your bed this week. I hope you choke on one of your princesses!
He read my list? I growled in my mind, hesitation settling over me at the idea as my eyes shot down to number seventy-four:
I hate that you’ve somehow redefined the meaning of the word hate. And I hate how I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
I groaned. He’d read this. He must have thought I was infatuated with him now. Well, I did have a list of seventy-four items . . .
I was standing there, uncertain, when Agnes walked in. “I thought you might be back,” she said, closing the door behind her. Expression tight but slightly tired, she looked me and all the black smudges over with a frown. “Do I want to know what that is?”
I shook my head. “No.”
She leaned against the door in silence for a moment. “I know you girls don’t understand much about the Sisterhood yet. And that it can be frustrating not understanding what your life will be dedicated to. I was where you are once, not so long ago, in fact.
“But once you are sworn in, it will all become clear to you of who we are and what we do. It’s not as nefarious as everyone makes it out to be, but we do have our goals and aspirations.”
I don’t know, that sounded a bit nefarious to me . . .
“The one thing that we Sisters hold to the highest standard is loyalty. We are all a family amongst it all. But when family disobeys, family is punished. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I only watched her, not getting a definite vibe from her yet that I needed to do anything, but I wouldn’t act frightened of her words. She had little magic; I didn’t think she was strong enough to resist my persuasion. If I didn’t want her to leave this room again, she wouldn’t. She would merely be compelled to stay here until the end of time. But the truth was, that Agnes never treated me unfairly. And I wouldn’t act on anything unless I was sure that she would take this further.
She sighed at my demeanor. “You cannot have such pride when you are a Sister among your superiors.”
She was wrong. I was a Shadow. I was her superior.
The thought was so strong, and had come up on me so quickly, bouncing through my mind that I couldn’t even push it away, didn’t even want to.
“I know what a house like this is like to a young Sister, and I don’t blame you for getting out every once in a while. I had a friend who could get by the wards as well. But we had a nasty witch of a High Sister, and when she found out, I didn’t have a friend anymore. You get what I’m saying?
“The publicity you brought to the Sisterhood could have been damning to us all, but thankfully we have a useless magistrate. I will keep this incident to myself, as long as you use discretion until All Sister’s Day. You will no longer be under my charge then. Understood?”
I had to push this dark, entitled feeling away that was disgusted by taking orders from this Sister, and nodded.
“As for your pledging, you and Farah are the only ones left to decide now that Juliana somehow snagged that Montgomery boy. May I suggest you visit your mother? It seems she is only flirting—and who knows else—with your candidates rather than being serious about choosing one.”
“Yea, I’ll visit her today.”
. . . and the reality was finally here.
“Just watch out for trouble from the magistrate. Though, I have faith in you in that department,” Agnes said dryly before she shut the door behind her.
It was then that I realized Agnes was all right.
A pushover, but all right, indeed.
“What about this one?” my mother asked, holding a dress up against her.
“It’s lovely,” I replied, not even glancing at it, because—He. Read. My. List. I had private stuff on that list, and I might have asked him if he’d like to see it before, but I’d only been jesting. I wouldn’t have voluntarily shown it to him if he gave me all the silver in Titan—and that was saying something.
At least number seventy-four seemed to be the only one to blatantly give away my non-feelings. Ugh.
“So, we’re just going to pretend yesterday never happened?” my mother asked, running her fingers over some silver chains hanging from a vendor’s stand. The sun did glint off them just right, urging my fingers to reach out and touch them. I gave my head a little shake to clear my thoughts.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I replied.
“The Girl in Black? Really, Cal. Why don’t you just put a sign on your head pledging your loyalty to the Court of Mages?”
I shivered at that. The last Mage I’d come into contact with wasn’t the friendliest man. Mages weren’t humans and were disgusted by the outsiders who came from Elian and stole more magic than Alyria would grant them by desecrating the land—therefore, the Sisterhood.
“I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration,” I said, running my hand across some silky fabrics. “If I didn’t get out of that house every once in a while, I think I would’ve murdered everyone in it.”
Every so often as we walked the streets, I’d get a look from someone who seemed to notice me from last night; but just as they had acted at my hanging, their expressions were bored as they passed by. So far no one had alerted any king’s guards, but now that I could feel the burn in my palms on command, my worry drifted away on the breeze.
“Well, thankfully you did then,” my mother said dryly. “Agnes didn’t give you a hard time about it, did she?”
“No, I think we worked it out.”
My eyes caught on my wrist, my attention zeroing in. The blood below my skin . . . chafing. An itch to drip . . . drip—
“Good.”
I snapped out of it, my heartbeat picking up as I inhaled a little breath.
“But whatever you do, don’t come by the house. Clinton is very angry with you. He thinks you’ve compelled Alis to fall in love with Juliana.”
I shook my head, pushing that dangerous moment away. “That’s ridiculous. Alis is too strong for me to compel.”
“That’s exactly what I told him. But he still doesn’t believe me. He thinks you are some kind of prodigy or something.” She snorted.
A frown pulled on my lips at that. And then as nonchalantly as you please, I said, “Mother, who was my father?”
She dropped a dress right onto the Symbian dirt, receiving a curse from the old woman vendor. Mother picked it up gingerly and hung it back on the hook like it hadn’t happened. “I think we should get something to eat from that vendor down the street. Clinton is home, and I wasn’t jesting before—I believe he very well may try to kill you if we go there.”
“That’s nice, Mother. But who’s my father?”
She winced, moving on to some other dress, before supplying, “A man.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I’m quite aware he was a man, thank you. The question is who.”
“I don’t know, Cal. Am I supposed to keep track of every man I’m with?”
“Yes! That’s usually a good thing to do so th
at things like this do not happen. But if you are only thirty-eight, then you had me at the age of seventeen. I doubt you were bedding hordes of men then.”
She lifted a shoulder. “Could’ve been. But I honestly don’t know. I was in that house same as you. It was dark, and I was walking home from the library—” My gaze narrowed, and she sighed, “—okay, I was walking home from some tavern. The spelled windows never kept me in either, and you can thank me for that gift. It’s practically the only one I have. Anyway, it was too dark to see him, and well . . .” She shrugged.
Her answer dawned on me. “Are you saying you were raped?”
“Yea, that’s what I’m saying,” she said, digging through a basket of scarves. “Ooh, this one is my color, isn’t it?”
My heart beat at the revelation. “So why didn’t you use one of those tonics to get rid of me then?”
“I did not know the man, but that didn’t mean you weren’t half of me.”
I swallowed, my throat feeling thick. “Then why hand me off to Grandmother?”
“Cal, do we really have to bring this all up? It was so long ago, I’ve practically forgotten.”
I’d never voiced these questions before, but I suddenly felt strong enough to face them. I needed to know so that naïve wouldn’t be a word continuing to follow me. “That is unfortunate, but if you’ve truly forgotten . . . then I shall merely have to go find and voice my questions to Grandmother—”
My mother grumbled something under her breath. “You are manipulative, aren’t you? Guess I know where that came from . . .” She sighed. “I don’t have much magic to speak of, really. But every once in a while, I get visions or intuitions about something. It’s how I knew Clinton slept with that awful redheaded woman who lives across the square from us.” She shivered in disgust.
“So, you . . . what? Saw something?”
She paused. “Well, no, not really. I guess I had a feeling.”
“A feeling made you abandon me for twenty years?” I asked, disbelief coursing through me.
“I’m sorry it’s not the answer you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth. You weren’t safe here. And being a Sister, I have obligations in the south that I have to uphold. But lord, if I would have known she’d raise you like a peasant, I’d have sent you to Aunt Deidre, odd or not.”
She was lying.
Something dark chafed inside me.
Drip . . . drip . . . drip . . . echoed in the recesses of my mind.
It would be so easy to make her tell you the truth . . . The whisper was like the slither of a snake: soft and lazy and dark. I shivered, pushing the feeling down, down, until it was only an inkling in the back of my mind.
“And where did Grandmother live before Alger?”
“Oh, here. She lived in a quaint home right outside the city. She never was a people person. In fact, she hated Clinton and is probably only taking her time with Aunty Oddy so that she doesn’t have to come back and see him. He might have his faults—anger issues and penchants for redheaded sluts,” she added sourly, “but he was the only man who didn’t mind that I was pregnant. He was infatuated with me, even when I didn’t have much magic—oh, look! These sandal ribbons will match that dress I bought you for All Sister’s Day perfectly!”
And there was the reality, crashing in like powerful waves and crumbling my world of make-believe. “Mother, what would happen if I left Symbia?”
She dropped the ribbons, shooting her gaze to me—and receiving another curse from the vendor. “You aren’t really considering that, are you?”
I lifted a shoulder.
“Firstly, you can’t leave until you’ve sworn in as a Sister. And even after that, you cannot travel long distances without permission. If you break those rules, your future will be judged by the Superior Sisters—”
“Yes, I know all of that, Mother. But what will happen if they cannot find me?”
“They don’t take disloyalty lightly. They’ll go after your immediate family first. And if they even think they were involved in it, they’ll . . .”
I tuned her out as I grew lost in my thoughts. I’d had the suspicion that no matter if I chose to leave, the Sisterhood wouldn’t let me go without consequences. I wanted to convince Grandmother to run with me, to make a new life, somewhere like Alger. But I didn’t know if that’s what she wanted—to be a fugitive on the run for the rest of her life? Though, it didn’t seem to matter anymore, because I couldn’t let my consequences be pushed onto someone else. I could embrace the Shadowed side of me, but I knew that if I did it again, I wouldn’t make it back.
“Mother,” I said, “I’m ready to decide on a husband.”
“Oh, thank Alyria! I was beginning to think we’d have to pay someone last minute. Clinton will be out of the house tomorrow, and we can go over the list I made. Any preferences so that I can narrow it down?”
I thought for a moment, but the only attributes that came to me were of a certain Titan’s. The one who told me he needed to stay longer after he’d learned I had trouble with my magic. The one I was certain wasn’t going to seek me out again. I could feel it. And the one who was leaving for another country soon . . .
My chest tightened. I hated how uncertain he made me feel.
“Polite,” I finally said, “just polite.” And then Agnes’ words came back to me. “And no one you’ve slept with.”
She pursed her lips at that.
. . . and there went her whole list.
While she finished her shopping, I only stared blankly down the street. Because even though Weston had tortured me the last time we were together, it was, in our way, a sort of conclusion to whatever we were. There was never going to be a hug and sweet goodbye. I didn’t think I even wanted that.
All I knew was, that closure, it tasted even more bitter than revenge.
“Guess who offered for my hand?” Juliana asked with a big smile while we all sat at the supper table. They’d already voiced a myriad of questions about the ‘Girl in Black’ for only Agnes to shoot them each a glare to not bring it up again. They’d all frowned and went quiet, and since then we’d pretended the Girl in Black never existed.
“Yea, yea,” Magdalena sighed from beside me. “We all know, Juli.”
“Not Calamity,” she said. “She’s been out all day with her mother. And with that . . . situation yesterday, I wasn’t sure if she found out.”
Farah ate her soup beside me like she hadn’t gotten me sent to the gallows just yesterday; and just like Talon, I wished I had a fork instead of a spoon.
“I’ve heard, Juli. Congratulations,” I said with a smile. I felt a little bad about her relationship being a lie, but the reality was, she had to pledge somebody, and I could guarantee that whoever her mother would have chosen would’ve been just as bad. At least she was getting what she wanted here.
“I still don’t understand why he chose you,” Magdalena said. “Your magic’s practically nonexistent. He even spoke about pledging Calamity.”
The girls’ eyes suddenly all came to me, recognizing I could compel. And knowing my antics as the Girl in Black, it looked even more damning. My mind reeled with something to absolve me. “I’m terrible company,” I said. “Bored him to tears.”
They all seemed to accept that quickly—too quickly—and I got a little offended.
“Witches,” I muttered.
They all laughed.
“What’s wrong with your hair?” Magdalena asked, pulling on my locks. My gaze shot down, a rush of unease coursing through me.
The very tips of my wheaten strands were turning ashen.
“What did you do? Dip it in dye?”
“Um. . .” My mind spun, trying to come up with an excuse. “I heard it’s the newest trend.”
“Huh. I’ve never heard about that,” Magdalena said.
“That’s because you lack a sense of style,” Juliana returned right away. At that moment, I was glad she’d say anything to argue with Magdalena.
The girls
laughed when Magdalena threw a piece of bread at Juli in retaliation. I didn’t find much amusing, though. Because somehow my Shadowed side was pushing its way to the forefront.
The twinkling lights in the dark sky were beautiful, like tiny versions of the moon. I lay on my back, looking up, my legs hanging over the edge of the magistrate’s roof. I loved to look at the nighttime sky, but I also didn’t. I couldn’t understand what was up there, and the feeling that I was only a blink in this world left this heavy unknown feeling on my chest.
All I knew was that this land was mine. And I could never go anywhere else. The thought that I could somehow be the cause of its destruction had been a weight on my shoulders since I’d found out. Life wasn’t fair. But if it were, it would be too easy.
I didn’t know how I’d gotten here. It felt like yesterday I’d been waking up on a cottage floor in Alger, and now I was in this big city, one girl in a sea of people with this unknown future ahead of me.
A smile pulled on my lips when a golden star streaked across the sky. I hadn’t seen many since I’d been here, and I wondered if Alyrians were merely not falling in love anymore. It was a depressing thought, but this one small moment brought some peace to me and, for some reason, had me sitting up and glancing past the chapel’s bell tower to the palace. I could see his room from here. The doors to the terrace were open, and my heart jumped when I saw his form walk past them.
This could be his last night in Symbia, and it seemed that he wasn’t even going to try and seek me out. A sense of rejection ran over me. And then frustration, covering up the pang in my chest. What was in Elian anyway? A camp for madmen? Well, he would definitely run it.
I shouldn’t have cared he wouldn’t seek me out before he left. Hadn’t I been trying to rid myself of his attentions not too long ago? What changed, and why did I suddenly wish for the opposite?
I’d lain here for thirty minutes, coming to terms with how much I hated closure—and I knew he’d redefined that word for me too. In fact, he was messing up my whole vocabulary.
A Girl in Black and White (Alyria Book 2) Page 24
