by Dyan Sheldon
Rang Disha. She had chicken and home-made chips for supper (at least someone’s mother still believes in cooking!). D says the tips’ll be better when I start doing night shifts because people drink more and that makes them generous. She couldn’t talk long because her father wanted to use the phone and she no longer has a mobe because her mother threw it in the toilet. (Now Mrs Paski’s going through the BIG M. It just never ends, does it?)
When I heard Sigmund getting ready to leave the bunker I went out to say hello. The deal is that he can use the bunker for his clients, but he has to have the Mad Cow’s permission to come in the flat. (Usually I avoid him like spots because I’m still pretty pissed off with him for fooling around with Mrs Kennedy and destroying our unhappy home, but I was REALLY desperate for some Companionship and Sympathy.) I might as well have gone out on the street and waylaid some total stranger. Sigmund didn’t even ask me how my day was, or if I had terminal blisters or was on the verge of EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL COLLAPSE or anything like that (I ask you, how can it be possible that people PAY this man for his sensitivity and understanding?!!). He wanted to know if we’d heard from Justin!!! I said ALREADY? He’s only been gone a few days! Then he talked about himself, of course. Apparently Sigmund moved into his new flat yesterday, so now I can visit him any time I want. (That’s typical, isn’t it? I have to wait on strangers hand and foot just to have some spending money, and he’s got a flat!) I said the anticipation had been practically KILLING me. Could he book me in for my twenty-first birthday? He thought I was joking. Then I asked him if he could lend me a few quid because I DIDN’T GET PAID. Dr Tell-Me-Your-Problems-I’m-Here-to-Help said NO. He said he’s penniless because of the new flat and giving the MC money. Apparently it’s not easy to support two households (pass me the handkerchief!). I said he should’ve thought of that before he decided he needed two women.
I’m too horrifically fatigued to write another word, so I’m going to bed. Though, with my luck, I’ll probably dream about giving the Texas Tacos to the bloke who ordered the Fajita Tijuana and being asked what language I DO speak since it’s obviously not English. (I said MEXICAN!)
SATURDAY 21 JULY
D rang this morning to say that the trip to Greece is off! (She’s not sure why – she doesn’t listen to her parents any more than I listen to mine.) I was v sympathetic, of course, but, to tell you the truth, this piece of news cheered me up no end. Apparently feeling better about your own miseries because of someone else’s is pretty common. Sigmund explained it to me once (God knows WHY). It’s called schadenfreude, which is German and obviously has something to do with Freud (all of Sigmund’s soul-numbing explanations have to do with Freud!). Disha wanted to go shopping to cheer herself up. She has to rethink her summer wardrobe, since she’s staying in London (i.e. anoraks and umbrellas rather than swimsuits and flip-flops). I wanted to support my local best friend, of course, but I didn’t really feel like going. (I mean, what was the point? I for one do not think shopping is a spectator sport.) So I asked the Mad Cow if she’d let me have some dosh. Since the MC’s a teacher and not a psychotherapist, like Sigmund, I don’t expect her to be kind and understanding – and, as per usual, she didn’t let me down. Apparently she’s trying to pay off her credit cards before she becomes another of the government’s victims of debt. I said what about the money she gets from Sigmund? Surely some of this is meant to be for ME – or does she have other children she’s supporting that I don’t know about? She said half the stuff on her cards was FOR me (which can’t possibly be true – we all know it’s easier to get the truth out of a politician than money out of Jocelyn Bandry!!!). Was about to ring D back and say I was too FATIGUED to go shopping when I had one of my BRAINWAVES. JUSTIN!!! For the first time in nearly seventeen years I was happy he’s my brother. My Parents’ Other Child has always been the sort of nerd who saved half his Easter egg till June and then lorded it over his baby sister because she’d finished hers by Easter Monday. This obsessive-compulsive behaviour has always IRKED me, but now I reckoned it could be an advantage. Most people blow all they have on their holiday and then have to walk home from the airport, but not the Sharer of the Bandry Gene Pool. I knew there was no way he wouldn’t have left some money to come back to. AND I WAS RIGHT. It was in an old brown jar mixed in with his chemicals in his darkroom (the world of international espionage lost the greatest agent since James Bond when I decided to become an artist or a writer or whatever!!!). There was FIVE HUNDRED QUID in it!!! I feel I’m doing him a MAJOR favour. If he doesn’t watch out, he’s going to end up one of those old men who live in poverty and squalor till they die and then the police find a fortune under the pee-stained mattress. And besides, it’ll all be back in the jar before he comes home, so what’s the difference? I know he’s not popular any more, but I’m with Karl Marx on this one: From each according to his ability; to each according to her need. My need’s pretty GINORMOUS right now. Also found Justin’s mobe in an old camera bag. Took that as well for emergencies, since the MC says they’ll be skiing in hell before I get another one after what happened LAST TIME. Disha and I had a great time (I really don’t see why anyone would want a hobby like trainspotting when shopping’s so rewarding). I got SIX new white shirts so I can do them all in the machine at the end of the week, two more black skirts and two more pairs of black trousers (ditto, one laundry), and a bunch of stuff I DESPERATELY NEEDED. Ran into Marcus and Flynn. They’d been buying CDs. (I’ve noticed that though boys may hate shopping the way real humans hate bad hair, they’re perfectly willing to do it if they’re getting something for themselves. Sappho says men are genetically more self-centred because of not being mothers, though the MC is obviously the EXCEPTION to this rule.) They wanted to know why they hadn’t heard from me since term ended, and I said because I’ve become a wage slave, haven’t I. Though in my case it’s more of a non-wage slave! Flynn said at least David gets paid for delivering chow mein.
I swear you can’t turn your back on the Mad Cow for ONE MINUTE these days. While I was shopping, Willow came over from next door, chopped all the MC’s hair off and DYED IT!!! And not blonde or black or even what it used to be before it started going grey (mousy brown) like a normal person would. She dyed it PINK! I said didn’t she think she was a little old for pink hair, and she said you’re not old till you’re dead. (How some people delude themselves!) Then I said I thought the school had rules about things like that (I’ve certainly never had a teacher with pink hair!), and she said if I hadn’t noticed it’s SUMMER. I said how could I notice when I have to WORK ALL THE TIME? I reckon the MC’s going through her mid-life crisis now. D agrees. She says her uncle bought a sports car when he turned fifty. I said being seen in public with an old woman with pink hair is not the same as swanning round in a Jaguar. I wouldn’t mind that. Disha said I would if I’d been with her uncle – he backed it out of the showroom and straight into a police van.
The sales assistant I asked about stain-resistant shirts was well sarky. She wanted to know if I’d ever heard of soap and water. I said I just thought that since this is THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY and scientists can put human ears on mice, one of them might have come up with something more useful, like clothes that stay clean. She said I was in Top Shop not The Twilight Zone.
The MC came snooping round my room and noticed my new gear. She wanted to know where I got the money. I said Sigmund gave it to me. She said she thought he was meant to be broke. I said some people are willing to make sacrifices for their children.
I think I’m getting corns. As if I don’t suffer enough!
SUNDAY 22 JULY
Disha had to go to a gathering of the clan today and none of the lads were home, so I broke down and went over to see Sigmund’s new flat. It’s in Kilburn, which, if you ask me, is one of the most depressing areas in London (and not in a Spiritual Angst sort of way, in a what’s-the-point-of-living sort of way – all cheap shops and gloom). Sigmund’s flat is in this old, grey building behind the bingo hall (see what I
mean?). The intercom doesn’t work, the hall smells of damp, and the carpet on the stairs looks like it’s been there since World War I. Sigmund’s flat is at the top (needless to say, there is no lift). It took him a few minutes to get his breath back after we got up the stairs, and then he gave me the Grand Tour (which isn’t going to make Thomas Cook lose any sleep, believe me!). First stop was the hall (about the size of my wardrobe – sans the clothes and shoes, of course); next was the bedroom (and BED ROOM pretty much sums it up); after that came the sitting-room (ditto, an accurate description of what you can do in it); then the kitchen (stand-in, not eat-in); and finally the bathroom (the window’s INSIDE the shower!). All of the furniture came from Nan’s. The only remarkable thing in the entire flat was the pair of gold drop earrings on the shelf in the bathroom, where Sigmund keeps his rubber ducks (unless he’s started cross-dressing they definitely aren’t his, so he must already have a new girlfriend!). The entire tour took all of one minute. (It would’ve been even quicker if Sigmund had remembered the trick to opening the bedroom door.) And there isn’t any heating – unless you count the fireplace. He asked me what I thought of the flat and I said I was speechless, which he took as a compliment. Sigmund said he was lucky to get it at a price he could afford. I said I was surprised they hadn’t given it to him. The GOOD NEWS is that there’s no space for me to stay over. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s got bugs. Sigmund made me coffee in his new coffee-maker (it was a good thing I was there or he would’ve forgotten to put the water in!!!). My cup was from the Queen’s first jubilee and his was a souvenir from Blackpool (obviously it’s not just the furniture that came from Nan). The only thing he could find to eat were two stale chocolate biscuits. I said, FOR ME? You shouldn’t’ve gone to so much trouble! Sigmund lit up a fag with his coffee. I said I thought he’d given up smoking again, and he said that he had but there’s no way he can stick to it when he’s under so much stress. I said in that case maybe he should just admit that he’s never going to quit, since the only people who aren’t stressed are dead.
For once the MC was home when I got back. I said I thought Sigmund had a girlfriend and she said, “No change there then.” She wanted to know what the flat’s like. I said it’s like a squat – only he has to pay rent. She said he has no one to thank but himself. He made his bed and now he’s got to sleep in it. I said it wasn’t really a bed, it was Nan’s old army cot (does this mean Sigmund and his new girlfriend have to DO IT on the table? She must be a lot smaller than Mrs Kennedy!). All of this made me think. Only a few months ago Sigmund lived in a flat with central heating and beds and matching dinnerware, and now look at him! He’s only one step away from living in a doorway if you ask me.
Disha rang as soon as she got home from the relatives. I told her all about Sigmund and Kilburn and the possibility that he’ll end up sleeping in front of Marks and Sparks. D said that’s Life, isn’t it? You never know what’s going to happen next. I said I know that’s true in a general sense, but even Nan’s cat, Mr Kipling, could’ve told Sigmund what would happen if he got caught fooling around with Mrs Kennedy like that. Disha said the reason Sigmund didn’t think that sleeping with Mrs Kennedy would destroy his life is because nobody really believes they’re going to get caught. She said didn’t I remember that politician who dared the press to discover him fooling around and then took some blonde he wasn’t married to on his boat? She said it was all over the papers. She said it was a bit like me and the Anti-Barbie: I always give the old bag the SAME EXCUSE for not playing hockey and then I’m surprised when she doesn’t believe me. I said I didn’t think it was the same thing at all. I said I thought it was much more like people not giving up smoking (as Disha said she could do WHENEVER she wanted!), because even though the cigarette packets are plastered with warnings like Danger of Death, they think they’re not going to get cancer. Disha said that if I meant her, the only reason she didn’t quit was because she hadn’t realized how HARD it was going to be. I said I didn’t see why not – it’s not like she hadn’t been TOLD. Sigmund’s been giving up since I was in primary school.
MONDAY 23 JULY
Saduki’s got me working Mondays now too (I can’t refuse or he’ll stop asking – also, I’ve got to put something away so I can put Geek Boy’s money back before he returns from the Third World). So it was another day, another dozen enchiladas. The only good thing that happened was that I saw Ethan. I’m happy to tell you that, unlike the phoney Mexican and the Borstal Boys in the kitchen, Ethan shows NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in Sky’s anatomy. In fact, he shows no interest in Sky AT ALL! (Because Sky thinks she’s the Sun to everybody else’s Planet, she always comes into the Staff Cupboard when we’re in there, making a big deal of getting her stuff out of her locker and banging on about how HARD she works. But Ethan pretty much ignores her.) Even today when she leaned over him to get something (and practically SUFFOCATED the poor bloke in breasts), he kept right on talking to ME!
Sigmund was let into the flat tonight because just as he was slouching off to the mean streets of Kilburn, Geek Boy rang up. Usually the male progeny doesn’t say more than three words a week, but when he’s ringing from THOUSANDS of miles away on SOMEONE ELSE’S phone bill he doesn’t shut up. Since the MC and Sigmund were fully occupied, I took the opportunity to have a long soak to try and ease my aching muscles. (Must ask Willow what essential oil is good for Physical Torture.) The parents were still on the phone when I got out of the bath. Not only that, but they’d opened a BOTTLE OF WINE!!! (In case you think this is normal procedure in the Bandry household, let me assure you that no one HAS EVER opened a bottle of wine because they were talking to ME!) So, of course, by the time they did finally hang up they forgot they only communicate in monosyllables now. Sigmund told the MC she was looking TERRIFIC (which is NOT what he said to me when my hair went red!), and the MC asked him how he was settling into his new flat. Except that they weren’t yelling at each other, it was almost like old times – the two of them IGNORING ME, as per usual. So I decided to join in the conversation. I asked how Justin liked South America, which seemed like a perfectly reasonable question to me. They both started laughing. I asked what was so funny about that, and the MC said only someone who had totally left the Earth’s orbit wouldn’t know where her only brother is. I said so long as he’s not near me, I don’t really care. Apparently he’s in Mexico. I said that was what I said: How does he like South America? Sigmund said Mexico isn’t IN South America. I said what did they do, move it? It’s SOUTH OF THE BORDER, isn’t it? The MC said maybe I should’ve done a GCSE in geography after all. I asked her if she was aware that drinking made her particularly unfunny. Vacated the premises IMMEDIATELY, of course. Looked Mexico up in my atlas. Unless the lads at The Times made a mistake, it looks as though Mexico isn’t in South America, after all – even though they do speak Spanish.
I knew the truce couldn’t last. They got into one of their screaming bouts and Sigmund left, slamming the door. He didn’t even bother saying goodbye to me, although I went all the way to Kilburn to see him yesterday (on the bus!!!). When I came out in search of sustenance, the MC told me what the fight was about (even though I hadn’t actually asked). Apparently she wanted some money from him and he said he didn’t have any, so she reminded him that he’d just given me a small fortune and he denied it. The MC says you can trust a thief but never a liar. I said that since Sigmund’s reputation as a liar has been pretty well established, she couldn’t say she hadn’t been warned.
TUESDAY 24 JULY
Ethan said he really envies my brother. I said you mean because he’s related to me? And he laughed and Gave Me a Hug!!! It was THE MOST AMAZING FEELING I’ve ever experienced! A trillion stars exploded in my heart! ELECTRICITY flowed through every cell in my body (I’m certain I was GLOWING, but there isn’t a mirror in the Staff Cupboard, of course, so I couldn’t check). Now I know what people mean when they say they could Die Happy! I wanted him to Hug Me For Ever!!! I was so swept away by Passion that I sort of
bounced off the wall when he let go, but I don’t think he noticed since he was still all wound up in Mexico. He wanted to know how long Geek Boy’s going to be away, and I said I reckoned he’d come back when he ran out of poor people to photograph. Ethan said he could be there YEARS in that case. Which is the best news I’ve had in months.
Nan came over tonight. You’d think a person’s mother would be on his side when his marriage breaks up, but not Nan. She says the day Sigmund moved out of hers was the happiest she’d been since D-Day. She says she thanks God every night for finally finding Sigmund a place to live. He was driving her nuts. She said she doesn’t know how the Mad Cow put up with him for so long.
WEDNESDAY 25 JULY
D met me after work today so she could get a look at Ethan. Ethan got to his feet the instant we stepped through the Cupboard door (he’s not just another Astoundingly Beautiful face – he’s a GENTLEMAN as well, which makes a pleasant change from the teenage Neanderthals we normally associate with). We didn’t have much chance for a chat, though, because Sky barged in, and the Cupboard wasn’t big enough for the six of us (me, Disha, Ethan, Sky and Sky’s anatomy). Went home with Disha to discuss the situation. D was TOTALLY bowled over by Ethan. She wanted to know if I was CERTAIN he doesn’t have a girlfriend, since it’s hard to believe someone hasn’t snapped him up. I said he hasn’t been in London that long. And anyway, he’s obviously DISCRIMINATING and wouldn’t date someone just because her breasts are the size of a life-jacket. D says if he doesn’t ask me out soon, I should ask him. I said I’m still a bit traumatized from my experience with Elvin. D thinks I’m overreacting. She said that not only does Ethan not know my brother, but my brother’s in Mexico, so Ethan can’t be flirting with me because he wants to meet Justin. I said that was true, but being older and wiser does make one cautious. D doesn’t think that’s true. She says all being older and wiser means is you recognize your mistakes faster because you’ve made them before. Sometimes she’s so DEEP I think she must have had several past lives.
