by Dyan Sheldon
D was surprised to find out my mother has a boyfriend. I said well, how did she think I felt? And Sigmund’s going to be well irked when he finds out – the male parent’s always wanted to grow a beard, but the MC wouldn’t let him. Then I said, “Speaking of boyfriends…” and told her about Ethan. Disha was TOTALLY GOBSMACKED. She said but she hardly knew him. Also, I was the one with the crush. I said it wasn’t really a crush, I just thought he was v attractive. I’m not a jealous person, as you know – and I’m more mature than many people old enough to be my parents – so I said it was fine with me if she wanted to go out with Ethan. I expected her to say no – or at least to argue. She said REALLY? I said of course; it wasn’t as if we were going out with each other or anything – he’s just a mate. And even though he’s très attractive, I’d realized that what I thought might be chemistry was just the smallness of the Broom Cupboard. D said, “All right then, give him my number.” I said, “Pardon?” She said, “Well, he is gorgeous – and if you don’t want him…” If you ask me, she could’ve put up a bit more of a fight.
The MC wanted to know what I thought of Robert. I asked if he ever talked about anything besides man’s inhumanity to everything that pokes its head above the ground, and she said of course he did. Apparently he’s a very intelligent bloke with many interests. It’s too bad songs about dead hobos is one of them if you ask me.
MONDAY 6 AUGUST
Buskin’ Bob was back last night. He banged on all through supper about the evil in ordinary things you find around the house. Apparently there are a number of companies NO ONE should buy from because they aid and abet repressive régimes, or exploit the poor, or are determined to destroy the planet. It’s a surprisingly long list (and I was wearing at least two of them). After supper he and the MC started going through the cupboards to see what she shouldn’t buy any more. Couldn’t take it, so I went to my room and rang D. This proved to be a bit boring too, since she was trying to decide what to wear on her date with Ethan (if you ask me, she’s jumping the gun a bit – he doesn’t even have her number yet!).
TUESDAY 7 AUGUST
The more I think about it, the more I realize that Ethan choosing Disha is the best thing that could have happened. I’m really v lucky. It’s an ENORMOUS relief to have seen the real Ethan before it was too late (look how long it took the MC to see the real Sigmund!). I mean, aside from the lack of chemistry (which everyone knows is CRUCIAL to a real relationship), it would never’ve worked between us. He’s not at all artistic or creative, for one thing – which is something that’s v important to me. And for another, he doesn’t really have an active sense of humour. He laughs at my jokes, of course (only my parents don’t), but he never really makes any of his own. And today, instead of being STUNNED by his eat-your-heart-out-Keanu-Reeves good looks, I noticed that he has hair on his ear lobes (how gross is that?). Gave him Disha’s number and by the time I got home he’d already rung her and made a date! I reckoned he must’ve called on his mobe from the gents’, since Saduki DOES NOT ALLOW personal phone calls on the Durango phone. I said, “It’s not v romantic, ringing someone from a urinal, is it?” Disha said, “Maybe he was standing at the sink.”
Discovered a bowl of rotting vegetables on the kitchen counter tonight, but when I went to throw it in the bin, instead of thanking me for helping out in the house like she’s always nagging me to do, the MC shouted at me to put it back where it was! Apparently it’s organic waste for the compost heap. I pointed out that we don’t have a compost heap. She said we do now. I assume that the box of bottles next to the fridge means we recycle now too.
WEDNESDAY 8 AUGUST
Buskin’ Bob was back AGAIN tonight. The man’s like a virus – every time you think you’ve got rid of him he comes back! They were all over each other like warts!!! It’s très revolting, if you ask me. You expect that sort of behaviour from people who are young and beautiful, etc., not from the unattractive and old. Because I was too exhausted to make it all the way over to Disha’s as soon as The Evening Lecture on What’s Wrong with Coca-Cola (otherwise known as supper) was over, I retreated to Willow’s. Willow wanted to know what Robert’s like. I said he’s the sort of bloke who wears jumpers his mother knitted and eats muesli. (Willow, of course, thinks that’s NORMAL!) She said she’d heard he’s something of a musician. I said something wasn’t always better than nothing. I told her all he plays are depressing songs. Willow said Sigmund always plays depressing music too, but his only talent is pushing the power button on the stereo. I told Willow I thought it was COMPLETELY DISGUSTING the way the Corporate Avenger and the MC carry on and she said she thought it was ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. She said Love doesn’t have a sell-by date. I said IF IT IS LOVE. I said if you ask me, the MC is on the rebound and not really interested in Robert at all. Willow wanted to know if it’d ever occurred to me that perhaps the MC had been waiting for years to be free of Sigmund so she could spread her Spiritual Wings and nurture her Soul with a love that’s new and exciting. I said no.
THURSDAY 9 AUGUST
Went to wash my hair and discovered that my shampoo has been replaced with something with NETTLES in it! Went straight to the MC to demand an explanation. She said did I realize that my shampoo had animal urine in it? I said that was ridiculous. Who would put piss into something that was basically soap? She said the company that made my shampoo, that’s who.
FRIDAY 10 AUGUST
MC out with Buskin’ Bob and Disha out with Ethan. Now that I don’t even have my few minutes with Ethan to look forward to (I mean really, what’s the point? It’s not like he’s a real mate like David or Marcus or Flynn), the only conversations I have in the day are about tacos and cutlery shortages and other hot topics in the world of catering.
Invited Sigmund in for a cup of tea before he went home. He wanted to know whose guitar was propped up in the corner (it’ll be his natural straw toothbrush that’s moved in next!!!). I said Robert’s. He said, “I’m Robert.” I said, “The other Robert who’s intimate with my mother.” Sigmund hadn’t been told ANYTHING about Robert. He wanted to know if the MC was seeing a lot of him, and I said, “Well, that is his guitar, what do you think?” Then, of course, he wanted to know what Robert’s like. I said not only is he musical, but he’s very intelligent, has a lot of interests and has dedicated himself to making our planet a better place.
Willow says my shampoo does have piss in it. Once again I was v sorry I’d brought it up because she was off like a horse at the Derby. She said remember when I was a vegetarian and discovered that McDonald’s chicken nuggets had twice as much fat as their hamburgers and that in America they used to put beef additives in their chips? Did I think it was just them? And what about sugar? Did I know how many things I think are savoury actually have SUGAR in them? I said well, if everybody knows all this stuff, why don’t they do something about it? She said it seems to her that’s exactly what Buskin’ Bob is trying to do.
Went into the kitchen for a cup of tea to take to bed with me while I wrote in you and remembered that I’d been ordered to GET ALL THOSE DISHES OUT OF THE SINK. Really didn’t feel up to it – but also didn’t feel up to another hysterical scene (the Power of Love DOES NOT include chilling out hormonally imbalanced women!). Luckily had one of my brilliant ideas. Stuck them all in the broom cupboard and it only took a minute! Sometimes I think Sappho’s right and it really is hard to believe that God isn’t a woman.
SATURDAY 11 AUGUST
Came out to breakfast this morning to find Buskin’ Bob tucking into a bowl of muesli (yes, REALLY!). He was dressed (thank God), but he didn’t have any shoes on. The MC told me not to look so shocked. I said I wasn’t shocked; I was just surprised, since I hadn’t been told he was staying over. The MC gave Robert the sort of long-suffering look she used to give Sigmund. I went to the cupboard to get my cereal but there wasn’t any. I said I thought she’d been shopping and she said she’s not buying anything made by Nestlé any more because of the Third World (I didn’t ask). She sai
d I could have muesli (what am I – a horse?). I fixed myself some toast (WHOLEMEAL!). I could feel Robert watching me while I was waiting for the toaster. He wanted to know what brand my trainers were. Sadly, I made the mistake of telling him. He went on for sixteen minutes (I timed him!) about sweatshops and things of that ilk. When he finally shut up, I said, “Thank God I’m wearing cotton and not fur or we’d be here till lunch.” This was another BIG MISTAKE. Apparently the other place besides Durango where slaves are still used is in the cotton industry. Thank God, the phone rang in the middle of this fascinating insight into corporate greed. Saved by the bell!!!
It was Disha to tell me about her date. Apparently there has never been such a brilliant night in the history of dating. Ethan’s handsome, Ethan’s smart, Ethan’s kind, Ethan’s funny, Ethan’s sensitive… I asked if he’d hired her to be his press agent and she laughed. I asked if that meant she’d be seeing him again? She said she’d like someone to try and stop her. Apparently he feels the same about her. They’ve got another date this afternoon! [Note to self: Ask Sigmund what the opposite of schadenfreude is. You know – when you’re not happy about something good happening to someone else.]
Rang Flynn to see if he wanted to have another go at finding the Last English Village, but he’s been banned from using the car. I said what’d you do, drive into a police van? He got a parking ticket. Apparently Flynn’s dad HAS NEVER had a parking ticket in his life! So Flynn’s back on the buses of London until he pays his father back for the fine – which is pretty much like saying he’s not going anywhere.
Tonight Sigmund rang to say he’s been thinking about me learning to drive and he’s decided he’ll give me lessons after all. It’ll be something we can do together. I joked that the last time we did something together was the father-daughter three-legged race at the school fête when he broke his ankle. He said he reckoned we were both older and wiser now (which, if Disha’s right, means that this time it won’t take twenty-four hours before he realizes he broke his ankle!).
SUNDAY 12 AUGUST
Disha spent the day with Ethan AGAIN. I asked her if this meant she was in Love, and she said she wasn’t sure but whatever it is feels fantastic (not if you have to listen to it, it doesn’t). My morale and energy levels depleted by my LONG and TEDIOUS hours in Hell’s Kitchen, I gave in and went to visit Sappho and Mags with the MC (Buskin’ Bob must’ve been out saving the mongoose or something). They’ve both gone so mad about this baby that they’ve turned the spare room into a nursery! Which, of course, we had to examine every centimetre of. (I’d rather be doing the tour of the Kilburn squat!!!) Then we had to look at every item of clothing they’d bought for this kid, including the nappies (how fascinating is that?!!). Has every woman I know suddenly taken leave of her senses? Sappho dragged me into the kitchen to help her make the tea. It was a ploy, of course. What she really wanted was to know what I thought of Buskin’ Bob. I said he seems OK. She said she and Mags think he’s terrific. I said then it’s too bad one of them couldn’t have him as a boyfriend. I reckon he’d be v useful in choosing politically-correct baby gear. Sappho said I sounded a bit put out. I said I AM NOT PUT OUT, but just because the MC’s besotted with the Corporate Avenger doesn’t mean that I have to be. I said one woman’s knight in shining armour is another woman’s repetitive stress syndrome. I was v glad when our visit was over. Though not for long, of course. Now that I’ll be learning to drive, I feel I should start paying close attention when someone else is driving. The MC said if I was going to be a back-seat driver I could at least sit in the back. (It’s incredible, isn’t it? Buskin’ Bob tells her what’s wrong with her toothpaste – A LOT apparently! – and her washing-up liquid and she’s off buying crap made from wild herbs, but if I just say one little thing about not paying enough attention to what’s up ahead she goes berserk!) I turned my attention to the car itself after that – which is why I noticed we were almost out of petrol. She was totally humiliated last time she ran out of petrol and called the AA because she thought something was wrong with the car. Since I’d already been told off once for trying to help, I let her go past two petrol stations before I asked why she didn’t stop. She said she was boycotting Esso. This had ROBERT written all over it, of course, so I didn’t ask for any of the gory details. We drove on. But trust Buskin’ Bob to pick the biggest chain in the universe to boycott! The MC said he didn’t choose it, Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth did. I said it didn’t seem to me there was any point, since it wasn’t going to do any good. She said that’s where I was wrong. Many companies, including Nike and McDonald’s, have changed their policies because of public pressure. I said well, I didn’t see why she couldn’t go to Esso just this once – as it was an EMERGENCY. She said I was old enough to understand the importance of principles. Apparently principles, like puppies, are not just for Christmas. You don’t just have them when they’re convenient (I never noticed that this bothered her before!). We ran out of petrol at a traffic light about five minutes after it started pissing down. Then – even though it was ALL HER FAULT – she made me get out of the car and help her push it to the kerb! This is the first time I’ve been grateful it’s a Mini and not a real car.
MONDAY 13 AUGUST
Now when Saduki asks me if I’ll work an extra shift, I automatically say NO. Before, I always said yes because I wanted him to think I was keen and hard-working so he’d put me on nights. But now that Ethan and Disha are AN ITEM, I don’t see the point. I hear enough about their relationship from her without getting it from him too. Rang D to see if she wanted to do something, but SURPRISE SURPRISE she’s already doing something with Super Waiter. [Note to self: I will NEVER abandon My Best Friend for a man. I think it’s v immature.] I said didn’t she think she should slow down a bit? I mean, she doesn’t want to get really serious about someone from Australia. What if he goes home? Is she planning to move there? She said WHY NOT? I can think of quite a few v good reasons, a lot of which are poisonous spiders. I reminded her of that advert. I said that personally I’d think twice about living somewhere that sees itself as a nation where a man would sleep with his best friend’s wife but not drink his last beer. Then I said, “What about sex?” She said, “What about it?” I said, “You know, has he asked you yet?” She said, “I’ve only been going out with him for a couple of days, for God’s sake.” I said, “Exactly. But already you’re thinking of emigrating.” She said I didn’t understand!
Went to the V&A with Marcus. He says he likes the V&A because he finds it v inspiring, but if you ask me he likes it because there’s no entrance fee. Marcus wanted to know if I’m absolutely certain I don’t want to go on a proper date sometime. I said I’m positive. I said I value his friendship too much to risk ruining it by exchanging saliva. What I didn’t tell him was that Ethan and Disha have opened my eyes (in more ways than one!). Marcus doesn’t inspire the feelings in me that Ethan obviously inspires in D. Apparently Ethan makes Disha feel like dancing among the stars. Marcus makes me feel like having a nice cup of tea – and maybe a couple of biscuits.
