by Dyan Sheldon
MONDAY 1 OCTOBER
Handed in my copy for ISSUE ONE to Ms Staples today, who immediately turned it over to our Editor-in-Chief – who has decided to let Power go to her head! Apparently Catriona (she may write poetry but obviously has the soul of a bureaucrat!) was a bit bothered about the letter from Worried Mate. She reckoned that Old Woolly Jumper, the teachers’ unions and the Minister of Education might be upset about accusing a teacher of professional misconduct. I pointed out to Ms Staples that no one was accusing anybody of anything. All Worried Mate was saying was that she thinks it might be a teacher because her friend’s being SO secretive. Also, it’s not like this sort of thing doesn’t happen all the time, is it? There are precedents! But Ms Staples said she wasn’t certain we should start out with a major controversy. What if we edited the letter a bit to leave out the part about the teacher? I could tell that, besides not wanting to be sued or lose her job or anything like that, Ms Staples wanted to appease Catriona and not let her feel that she isn’t in charge (blessed are the peacemakers, as Nan would say!). I said I wasn’t sure that was ethical. And how can my readers be encouraged to write about their real problems if we won’t print them? Ms Staples said I had a point. She said in that case what if Aunt K suggested one or two other reasons why the friend was lying, etc. I said I could live with that.
TUESDAY 2 OCTOBER
Question: HOW BLIND IS A GIRL WHO WILL NOT SEE?
Answer: VERY!!!
Just as I was drifting off to sleep last night I practically fell out of bed when a new thought hit me like an out-of-control juggernaut! Suddenly I KNEW why Catriona didn’t want to publish Worried Mate’s letter. And not because it might upset Old Woolly Jumper either! Because it’s ABOUT HER!!! I mean, really, how many girls can there be in one school who are secretly dating a man they don’t want their parents to find out about? (Especially in my school – I read the letters!). Told Disha I’ve been giving more thought to Catriona’s Secret Love and it occurred to me that it might be a teacher. Disha said, “Which teacher?” I said I hadn’t got as far as thinking about WHO it might be; it was just a thought. Disha said if anyone fancied a teacher at our school it would have to be Mr Plaget, since he’s young, single and attractive. All the other male teachers are either old, married, attractive only if they’re being compared to trolls, or all three. That’s when another lorry of thought crashed into me and my brain lit up like Piccadilly Circus! I told D about seeing the Hendley and Mr Plaget leaving school together. Disha said SO? Was a student and teacher walking together meant to be UNUSUAL? Disha doesn’t believe that Mr Plaget would put his career on the line to date Catriona, esp. with her media connections. Since my own personal experience includes Sigmund putting his marriage on the line to date a woman with twins and a psychotic husband, I find this less impossible than D does. But it is v shocking!!! I’ve always liked Mr Plaget. I would’ve thought he’s too smart to fall for someone as obnoxious as the Hendley. But Disha is right about one thing – there is no one else! Must keep a sharp eye out! [Note to self: Why do even intelligent men always fall for the wrong women?]
FRIDAY 5 OCTOBER
The Rollercoaster of Love has finally started its descent! (And NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON, if you ask me.) Disha and Ethan had a fight!!! She was all quiet and moody at lunch, and then she asked me if I wanted to sleep over. I said I thought she always saw Ethan on Friday nights and that’s when she said they’re not exactly speaking. I asked her what happened, and she said it was something that wasn’t worth discussing. As soon as we got to her room she lit up a cigarette. I reminded her that she doesn’t smoke any more. She said she didn’t usually but she was feeling a bit stressed. I said I didn’t see how getting lung cancer was going to make her feel less stressed. I said, “So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” and she said, “NOTHING.” Then she started to cry. I said she ought to be angry, not miserable. She wanted to know how I could say that when I didn’t even know what had happened. (Well, I WOULD know if someone would tell me!) I said because she isn’t the sort of person to argue over something stupid like how to boil water (Sigmund and the MC have had several fights about that one!). So it must be something Ethan did. She said it wasn’t really anything he did – it was more that they have different views of things. I said well, of course they do. He’s a boy and she’s a girl – what did she expect?
SATURDAY 6 OCTOBER
Got home to find the MC scrubbing round the bathroom taps with a toothbrush. I asked if this was some sort of post-menopausal symptom or if the Queen was coming round. She said Marcella made an unkind remark about her housekeeping standards last time and she didn’t want it repeated. I said you mean the Hotspurettes are coming HERE? AGAIN? She said she’d told me. Wanted to go back to Disha’s but the Mad Cow mooed and PUT HER HOOF DOWN (right on ME, as per usual!). I tried to explain that Disha’s in a state of emotional turmoil brought on by love and needs me. The MC said that Disha can look forward to many unhappy years of emotional turmoil brought on by love, so I’ll have plenty more opportunities to be supportive – today it’s her turn. She said she’d told them I’d take them to Camden market. Apparently they’d like that. (Please note that she didn’t tell ME I was taking them to the market and obviously doesn’t care that I won’t like it. And I thought it was the stepchildren who were meant to be treated like second-class citizens!). Immediately rang Disha and got her to come along. She said at least it would take her mind off her aching, breaking heart. Which wasn’t true, of course. If you ask me, there’s nothing short of a nuclear war that could take Disha’s mind off her bleedin’ heart. She was in ABSOLUTE Zombie Girl mode all afternoon. She wasn’t crying (miraculously!), but she looked like that was only because she had no tears left. She clutched her mobe the whole time we were out, just in case Ethan rang to apologize (but for WHAT?!!). And she didn’t really speak (unless you count the occasional grunt and nod – which I don’t). Being terminally SELF-ABSORBED themselves, the Deadly Duo didn’t notice Disha’s state. Marcella kept up a running commentary on everything we saw (the child’s like walking background music!), and Lucrezia held up her end by throwing a MAJOR hissy fit because she wanted to buy a blue top like the one Marcella bought in green, only they didn’t have it in blue. Walked off and left her to it but she came straight after us, screaming that EVERYONE ELSE gets what they want! (How can this child possibly be related to Buskin’ Bob?) I said that actually it isn’t true that everyone else gets what they want. I said that MOST OF THE PEOPLE in the world don’t even get what they really need – never mind what they want. She said I sounded just like her father and kicked me! Through all this Disha was constantly testing her phone to make sure it was working and said nothing. Only when we were leaving the market did D say it seemed to her that Lucrezia has some behavioural problems. I said she couldn’t imagine how grateful I was to have her point that out to me. Disha went home (presumably to cry, or at least moan in anguish, in the privacy of her room), and the Deadly Duo and I went to get a video. Lucrezia got to pick because she screams loudest. (Marcella says there’s no point arguing with Lucrezia because even if you win she’ll ruin it for you. I asked if she doesn’t find her sister EXHAUSTING and she said yes. I felt really sorry for Marcella even though she never stops talking. I know how much I suffer from being the sister of Justin Bandry – but on the list of Most Irksome Siblings in the Universe he’s WAY below Lucrezia Hotspur. He’s like a goldfish next to her shark!) Marcella and I played backgammon after supper while Lucrezia watched her film and Buskin’ Bob and the MC sat in the kitchen drinking wine and singing “Big Yellow Taxi” and “He’s Only a Hobo” over and over. (I’m surprised the neighbours don’t call the cops – I was v tempted to call them myself.) I learned a lot about Marcella’s mother the actress and her stepfather the entrepreneur. Apparently they’re v busy ALL THE TIME (being on telly and making money). That’s why the Deadly Duo go to boarding school in the week. Marcella said that although Buskin’ Bob is a pain in the bum about what yo
u can eat, etc., at least he hangs out with them. I said what about the guitar? Marcella said she’s learned to live with it. If you ask me, it’s like learning to live underwater.
TUESDAY 9 OCTOBER
Catriona was banging on about her costume for my party today. She’s coming as a belly dancer – even though she doesn’t actually have a belly. (It’s a good thing I didn’t decide to have a Middle Eastern theme for my party or all the really slim girls would’ve come as belly dancers and I would’ve wound up being an aubergine!) Anyway, the Hendley’s monologue reminded me that I haven’t done anything about my own costume yet! I’m going as Trinity from The Matrix (thanks to the Dark Phase, BLACK is something I can do!). Disha doesn’t know what she’s going to be yet. I said it is only a little over TWO WEEKS away you know. She said that was plenty of time. I said only if you’re planning to come as a twenty-first-century teenager. Marcus and Flynn are being v secretive about their costumes. They both want theirs to be a surprise.
WEDNESDAY 10 OCTOBER
Woke up in the middle of the night with THE MOST AWFUL thought in my head. What if the MC invites Buskin’ Bob to my party? Even worse – what if he decides he’s the entertainment? (One chorus of “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” and my social life wouldn’t be toast, it’d be the crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. I could never live it down!) Had a word with the MC over the organic muesli this morning. She gets all huffy if you say anything even the teensiest bit critical of Buskin’ Bob, so all I said (très casually) was, was she planning to see him next weekend? She said he’s taking the Deadly Duo camping and since she has no intention of leaving the party without a chaperone she’s not going with them. (Apparently she made that mistake when Justin was my age and came home to find the police on the doorstep. I think she’s making it up. I have NO memory of this AT ALL! You can see what I have to deal with here, can’t you?) Then she wanted to know why I wanted to know. I said no reason.
THURSDAY 11 OCTOBER
The Rollercoaster of Love has peaked again. Apparently Disha and the Wizard of Oz have made up (oh, JOY!!!). She was all bubbly and happy and talking again today. Of course, since she only seems to have one topic of conversation when she isn’t depressed into silence, it was all about Ethan. Blah blah blah… I think I liked it better when they’d fallen out.
A few more letters are trickling in to Aunt K but none of them are any more riveting than the first lot. Dear Aunt K, My parents won’t let me have a nose job… (Answer: Save the plastic surgery for when you’re over forty and really need it.) Dear Aunt K, There’s a boy I like who seems to like me but he hasn’t asked me out, so I’m not really sure how he feels. What should I do? (Answer: Ask him out. You’ll know from his reaction exactly how he feels.) Dear Aunt K, I’ve tried every diet there is but I’m still a size fourteen. Should I have my lips sewn together? (Answer: I can tell you from personal experience that dieting makes you fat, so the first thing you should do is stop doing that. And if you sew your lips closed and get a cold, you’ll die because you can’t breathe. Being a size fourteen is a lot better than being dead.) Both Flynn and Ms Staples say not to worry about the meagre (in every sense of the word!) letters, as once the first issue hits the stands I’ll be deluged. I said I hoped so. At the moment I’m being dampened to death.
FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER
I swear to God Nan spends more time at ours now that her son’s in Kilburn than she did when he lived here! She rolled up tonight with a sign that says THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GOOD WAR and her overnight bag. Turns out she’s spending the night at ours because she’s going on some demo tomorrow. I said wasn’t she going to feel a bit out of place among all the squatters, hardcore anarchists and travellers who usually show up for these things? Nan said why should she? I said because she’s OLD. Nan said even old people have a right to their opinion. That’s what democracy is all about. I said I didn’t really see the point in taking to the streets, then. The government was elected to do its job and that’s what it’s doing. I said that’s what democracy is all about too!!! Nan says it can’t do the job SHE elected it to do if it doesn’t know what she thinks.
SATURDAY 13 OCTOBER
Even though I haven’t exactly got back into the Dark Phase, I’m happy to be able to say that my personal growth and development continue at a rapid pace. Had a completely NEW experience today (and for once it wasn’t all bad!). Without consulting ME, the MC decided that we should ALL go on the demo with Nan. I said I had a lot of homework and really couldn’t waste time being arrested. The MC said she didn’t see any problem since I never do it till Sunday night anyway and we’d be released by then. She said wasn’t I meant to be a writer for the school magazine? She reckoned an article on an anti-war protest would be more interesting than writing about what the cafeteria was serving for lunch. I had to admit that she had a point. Especially if I DID get arrested. And since Disha and the Wizard are back together, I wasn’t going to be hanging out with her. Rang Marcus to see if he wanted to come (he did). Then rang Flynn to see if he wanted to come too. Flynn wanted to know if I’d already asked Marcus. Then he said he’d wait for the next demo. I asked how he knew there’d be one? He said because this one wasn’t going to do any good. I haven’t seen so many policemen in one place since I watched that documentary on the Miners’ Strike. (God knows where they all are when you really want one – there certainly weren’t any about the time Mr Burl’s scooter was nicked!) I was ASTONISHED at how many old people were there (and some of them were even older than Nan!). I was expecting riot police with shields and horses and clubs, etc. like they put on for May Day, but it was all pretty civilized. No incidents of violence – unless you count the balloon filled with tomato sauce Nan threw at a police van (she missed). Nan was cautioned by a copper who was shocked that a woman who had been through the war would behave like that. Nan said she was behaving like that because she’d been through the war. Marcus thanked me for asking him along. He thinks the MC, Buskin’ Bob and Nan are all brilliant (another first!). He said he wished his family would show more interest in politics instead of just watching telly and destroying the house with DIY projects.
SUNDAY 14 OCTOBER
Had a brainwave (I really should do the Mensa test – I have to be at least NEAR genius!). I don’t reckon the parents are ever going to patch things up if they’re never together, and they’re never together because either she’s out or Robert’s sitting in the kitchen strumming his guitar. But next weekend Robert will be in a tent somewhere with the Deadly Duo, so I rang Sigmund and invited him to the party. He was THRILLED. He kept saying, “You really want me to be there?” I said of course I did: the MC would need some company.
MONDAY 15 OCTOBER
Since Disha was OTHERWISE ENGAGED, got Marcus to come to the goth shoe shops of Camden with me to look for just the right combination of leather and metal. Marcus said he hoped I appreciated that this is something he would only do for ME, since boot shopping is just below torture on the list of activities he tries to avoid. He was pretty good for the first hour, but by the time we hit the third shop he was starting to grumble. He said he didn’t know why I had to try on every pair of boots I saw – especially since they were all basically the same. I explained that they were only the same to the untrained eye. Finally found the PERFECT pair (in the last shop, of course!). They’re v futuristic. Marcus couldn’t believe how much they cost. He thought I was mad to spend that much on a pair of boots I’m never going to wear again. I said that was the beauty of it. Since I’m not wearing them out in the street, I can return them after the party and get my money back. Marcus says he admires my mind even though it scares him a bit.
TUESDAY 16 OCTOBER
Flynn wanted to know why I didn’t ask HIM to go shopping with me. I said because he hates shopping. He said so does Marcus. Also, The Matrix is one of his all-time favourite films, which qualifies him to choose the right boots. Marcus is a Jackie Chan fan, which obviously disqualifies him. I said if he wants, he can come
with me after school next Friday to get in the supplies for the party. He said he wants.
WEDNESDAY 17 OCTOBER
Mr Belakis managed to wheedle some of the lottery loot out of Old Woolly Jumper so the A level art classes can have a real exhibition in the spring and invite guests besides our parents. I saw that artist Tracey Emin on telly once and apparently she got a load of money for her bed – which, if you ask me, just looked like it hadn’t been made in a while. I reckoned I could get even more for my bed and really SHAKE UP the Art World (not only hasn’t my bed been made in a while but the headboard’s been set on fire at least three times – and it has the name of every boy I fancied in primary school scratched into it). But Mr Belakis says he prefers Inspiration to Installation. He’s given us all a project to form the focus for the exhibition, which is something about our families. Marcus is doing a ginormous canvas depicting the history of his family from their beginnings in Africa to winding up in England. My family’s history isn’t nearly as interesting as Marcus’s (no slave trade, no Jamaican rebels, no poor immigrants with all their possessions in a cardboard box and a picture of the Queen), so I’m doing a family portrait. I was going to do just my immediate family (the Mad Cow, Sigmund, me and possibly Geek Boy – if I can find a photo of him where he doesn’t look like a throwback to our primal past), but Mr Belakis said that including my un-immediate family would be a good challenge for someone of my talent and potential. Think I’ll do Sappho now, since pregnant is easier to do than an infant.
