by Dyan Sheldon
The MC waited till I got back from the zoo to tell me that Buskin’ Bob and the Deadly Duo were coming round to celebrate Hallowe’en with us. I said not US – I’m going out. (We’re all going round to Flynn’s to watch horror videos and eat black and orange food. Except Disha, of course.) The MC said I wasn’t going anywhere until I’d taken Marcella and Lucrezia trick-or-treating! You could’ve knocked me over with a small pumpkin! I said I really would recommend hormonal treatment, as she’s obviously lost the plot in a major way. She said that was nothing to what I was going to lose if I didn’t do this. I said that frankly I was surprised Buskin’ Bob would let his daughters go out begging for sweets when there were so many starving children in the world. The MC told me to put a sock in it. Then I said that since Marcella looks like she’s going to be thirty on her next birthday I didn’t see why they needed me. The MC wasn’t having any of it. She said she doesn’t care how old Marcella looks, she’s only eleven and there’s no way she and Lucrezia are roaming around London on their own. Rang Marcus for support, since I reckoned Flynn would be busy with the orange food-colouring. Marcus said we should wear our Matrix costumes for a laugh. Marcella was dressed as Morgan le Fey (what else, right?) and Lucrezia was a unicorn. (Marcus was v admiring of her head, which, amazingly enough, Buskin’ Bob made!) Since there are always tons of people in our neighbourhood dressed in black and metal I don’t think anybody noticed that Marcus and I were in costume, but everybody noticed the Deadly Duo. (Heads TURNED!) Even though Marcella talked the whole time about her friends at school (yawn yawn!) and Lucrezia kept walking into things because she couldn’t actually SEE out of the unicorn head, we had a good time because Marcus had us all laughing. (If I’m ever on Death Row or something like that I hope Marcus is with me, or at least that he’s a regular visitor.) And the Deadly Duo made out like corporate executives. Even people who didn’t know it was Hallowe’en went scuttling off to find them something when they saw them. Marcus reckoned we should hit the goth hang-out before we took them back because the goths are v into Hallowe’en on a permanent basis. I said that was fine with me. Ms Staples says you shouldn’t rely on coincidence when you write fiction, but, if you ask me, LIFE is built on coincidence. We were just about to turn off the high street when I saw a couple with their arms wrapped round each other going into the trendy pub on the corner. I GASPED OUT LOUD!!! Marcus said, “Now what?” I said, “Look over there! That’s the Wizard of Oz!” Marcus is an artist, so he has an eye for detail. Marcus said, “But that’s not Disha. It looks like that waitress from Durango.” It more than looked like her! It was Sky! I’d recognize that chest anywhere. Marcus said so, did Disha break up with the Wizard or something? I said not yet.
Was so distracted during the horror-film fest that I didn’t scream ONCE! How could I? Reality is much more terrifying than any special effects. What are ghouls dripping ectoplasm and axe-wielding psychopaths compared to discovering that your best friend’s boyfriend is a two-timing creep? Also, I was TORN APART by a Significant Moral Dilemma! Should I tell Disha about Ethan and Sky or not? I don’t want her to be the LAST to find out, but on the other hand I don’t want her to go into DENIAL (which Sigmund says is more common than the cold) and get angry with ME. Flynn, David, Alice and Siranee all agreed that Disha has a right to know if her boyfriend is two-timing her but they don’t think I should say anything. I said but you just said she should know the truth!!! Alice said that was just the point – I don’t know what the truth is. All I have is circumstantial evidence. I pointed out that A LOT of people have been electrocuted on circumstantial evidence, and Alice said but not in Britain. I then reminded them that I had more than circumstantial evidence – I had a WITNESS!!! But the pressure to conform is obviously more POWERFUL than the truth. Even though he’d seen EXACTLY WHAT I SAW, Marcus sided with the others! He said he knows how it looked but that doesn’t mean that’s how it is. It could have been completely innocent. I said but it could also have been completely GUILTY. Marcus said that’s why he thinks I should have more proof before I get Disha all wound up. But it doesn’t stop there! Flynn insisted on driving me home. In case you think this was because he’s concerned for my safety and would be devastated if I became a Crime Statistic, it wasn’t. He wanted a Private Word! I said you mean you can’t stand it any more and want to confess your undying love for me? Flynn laughed. He said he thought I should chill out on the Disha thing. He said, “You know what you’re like, Janet!” I said, “No, what AM I LIKE?” He said I have the mind of a fiction writer not a journalist. I said and what’s wrong with that? Flynn said I have a TENDENCY to jump to conclusions. Like with Worried Mate’s letter. I said I didn’t jump to conclusions with that; I deduced. He said well, I deduced WRONG. He happens to know who wrote that letter and it wasn’t Lila. I said, “OH, REALLY? And how do you know that?” And he said, “BECAUSE I WROTE IT!!!” This time I laughed!!! I said and why would he do a thing like that? Apparently he was trying to HELP ME. Because I was so disappointed with the letters I was getting. I was practically struck dumb with shock and disbelief. I mean, just look at all the trouble he could’ve caused! (Perhaps Flynn’s not as très intelligent as I thought!) I said that from now on if I WANT his help I’ll be sure to ask him. I said also, that doesn’t change the fact that I SAW Ethan with another woman, does it? The Eyes Don’t Lie! Flynn said the Eyes Lie All the Time. He said he’d really like to visit my planet some time but he’s not sure that he’d want to live there.
THURSDAY 1 NOVEMBER
Was still thinking about Disha when I went to bed. Tossed and turned all night long on a mattress of worry and care. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Should I? Shouldn’t I? Woke up exhausted. To show you how ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE I was, I actually brought it up over breakfast. Marcella was still in bed and Lucrezia was busy spreading organic butter on her toast (which takes hours because it CAN’T touch the crust and has to be completely even!), so I could actually get a few seconds of attention. I said Aunt K had a letter from a girl who’d seen her best friend’s boyfriend with another girl and didn’t know what to do. I said since Buskin’ Bob and the MC were both pretty old, I reckoned they might have some worthwhile advice (for a change!). Buskin’ Bob said it was a tricky problem (which was obviously NEWS TO ME). He said that just because you do something for a person’s own good doesn’t mean you’re going to be thanked. Aside from the fact that I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW what this girl saw (hah!!!), the friend could get more than she bargained for. Robert said that in ancient times they used to kill the bearer of bad news – which seems to me to be taking DENIAL a step too far! The MC was right behind him, of course. She wanted to know if I remembered the time Sigmund tried to help a woman who was being roughed up by her boyfriend at a bus stop and the two of them turned on him! (The answer to that question is: NOT EVEN VAGUELY!) I said so they were saying she shouldn’t tell her? The MC said no, what they were saying was that Don’t Know What to Do shouldn’t jump in boots and all the way I always do!!! She said Don’t Know should be aware that she might get a black eye for her trouble. Even though I KNOW WHAT I SAW, all this NEGATIVITY shook my confidence a bit. [Note to self: Do humans have basically the same nature as cows – stay with the herd and go where they go? How have we ever made any progress?!!]. Just in case I only thought I saw Ethan with Miss Bazooms, I asked Disha if she had a good time last night. D said in the end Ethan couldn’t get off work so she watched some crap on the box on her own. I said she should’ve come over to Flynn’s. She said and how was she meant to talk to Ethan when he rang her after his shift? I said had she thought of using her mobe? She said she knows how much that irks me.
FRIDAY 2 NOVEMBER
The Hotspurettes ARE STILL HERE!!! I asked the MC when they were going home and she said SUNDAY. I said God knows why Buskin’ Bob thinks he doesn’t see enough of them – some of us see FAR TOO MUCH! The MC said they were staying for the Guy Fawkes party. I said what Guy Fawkes party? She said she’d told me. But she never did. The only things sh
e tells me are what not to wear, eat, or wash my hair with. Apparently the whole clan’s coming – Nan, Sigmund, Willow, even Mags and Sappho (even though Sappho has ALWAYS REFUSED to participate in Guy Fawkes before because she thinks it’s barbaric to burn people in effigy – and also she thinks Guy Fawkes was set up and reckons it wouldn’t necessarily have been such a bad thing if his plot had succeeded because at least it would’ve spared the country James I). I said well, what a shame that I wasn’t going to be here for it since I already had plans. She said to change them – Marcus can come round here instead. I said what made her think it was Marcus I had plans with and she said it was one of her wild guesses.
SATURDAY 3 NOVEMBER
Marcus didn’t even flinch when I asked him about coming round here. (Unlike most artists, he doesn’t shy away from family life.) He even turned up early because he didn’t want to miss anything! (He needn’t have worried.) All I can say is that if Guy Fawkes had had Lucrezia Hotspur on his team, the whole course of British history would’ve been different. You’d think a child who’s afraid of rain and getting so much as a SMIDGEN of butter on the edge of her toast would be terrified of fireworks, but, sadly, that isn’t the case. Lucrezia LOVES them. She loves them so much that while the rest of us were inside with the mulled wine (or fruit juice if you’re Marcella or Sappho) she decided to start without us. It’s amazing no one noticed she was gone (the lack of shrieking was a dead give-away!). The first we knew anything was amiss was when Nan went to fetch the box of fireworks (she’s always in charge because of her War Experiences) and she couldn’t find them. Sigmund asked if she was sure she’d looked in the right place, but Buskin’ Bob leaped to his feet like he was on springs, shouting, “OH MY GOD! Where’s Lucrezia?” We got to the garden just in time to see Mr Burl’s garden shed go up like a rocket. (Fortunately Mr Burl wasn’t home.) Mags and Marcus got it out before the fire brigade had to be called. Marcus said that’s what he loves about my family: there’s never a dull moment. I said maybe not, but there are a lot of dull hours, days, weeks, months and years.
SUNDAY 4 NOVEMBER
Sigmund took me for a drive this afternoon. (Or rather, I TOOK HIM!!!) When we got in the car today, Sigmund said that we were going to leave the block. I said, “Really? You think I’m ready?” Desperate to convince me that he does have a sense of humour, Sigmund said no, he was beginning to doubt that I’ll ever be truly ready, but he was bored with driving in slow and dangerous circles for hours. He said he reckoned we’d be safe enough if we kept to the back streets. I admit that we got off to a bad start because I didn’t see the NO ENTRY sign (he was yammering away at me, “Look! Indicate! Manoeuvre!” – I felt like I was in the army!). So, of course, we went the wrong way up a one-way road. He said, “BACK US OUT.” I said, “I don’t do backwards.” At first he was ADAMANT that I had to do backwards, but he gave up that idea when I nearly hit the BMW. So then we had to change places (which in a real car is no big deal, of course, but in a Mini is like climbing out of a tin), so he could back us out. After that, he was all ATWITTER! Not only did he hang on to the dashboard the whole time and yelp a lot, but he kept his legs straight out as if he was trying to brake even though we were only doing about five miles an hour because the back streets are one long speed bump. I told him he was making me nervous. How could he expect me to concentrate if he was going to undermine my confidence the whole time? I reminded him that this was exactly what happened when he was teaching the MC. From what I’d heard, he yelled at her even more than he yells at me. I said I would’ve thought a professional psychoanalyst would have more patience. I was still talking when Sigmund shouted, “JANET!” and grabbed the wheel. It’s true that in times of stress (like when you’re peacefully driving along and someone suddenly BELLOWS in your ear) your brain goes on automatic and your instincts take over. Because I was raised with Justin Bandry, who spent my childhood stealing my things, my instinct when someone tries to take something away from me is to hold on v tight. (This seems très reasonable to me.) Anyway, that’s what I did. Sigmund pulled one way and I pulled the other. We hit a skip. Sigmund said he will never complain about speed bumps again. Think what could’ve happened if we’d been going any faster!
MONDAY 5 NOVEMBER
Another sleepless night of grappling with my Moral Dilemma. I can forget about seeing Ethan and Sky for hours at a time in daylight but as soon as I get into bed it comes back with a VENGEANCE. Sigmund came in for a cuppa after his last client, which is becoming a pretty regular event. He doesn’t even wait to be invited any more. As per usual, he didn’t notice my anxious state (the dark circles of sleeplessness … the pale complexion of moral torment). I was tempted to ask him what he thought about Don’t Know’s problem but changed my mind since being a Cheater himself he might be prejudiced in Ethan’s favour. (I know he’s meant to be an Objective Professional, but birds of a feather DO flock together, don’t they?) So instead I asked him if he thinks that humans are ruled by the herd instinct. He said yes. Sigmund says that humans have made progress more or less in spite of themselves. He says that change has come about because one or two visionaries have had the courage to challenge the established ideas of their times – and have usually ended up imprisoned, murdered or branded heretics for their trouble. I said if he was trying to comfort me he hadn’t succeeded. He wanted to know if we had any biscuits.
WEDNESDAY 7 NOVEMBER
Yet another night of turning and tossing and troubled dreams (in one I was waiting for a bus with a herd of cows when suddenly one of them turned into Disha and decked me!). Should I? Shouldn’t I? Should I? Shouldn’t I? Sigmund’s always banging on about dreams being the subconscious mind trying to work out problems, and for once I think he may be on to something. When I woke up this morning I finally had the solution to my soul-ripping problem: write to Aunt K! Then when the letter comes out I’ll show it to Disha and see what she thinks. What would YOU do, Disha? Would you tell her or not? Whatever D says is what I’ll do! This way I can’t possibly make a mistake. Aunt K’s reply was easy (Your friend already has one person close to her who’s lying – don’t make it two!), but it took me a while to get Don’t Know What to Do’s letter right so that she seems sympathetic and not interfering. Was nearly late for school again. Handed in my copy to Ms Staples. She wanted to know when I was going to write a feature piece for the magazine. I said what with my academic work, my social life, my emotional growth AND sorting out everyone else’s problems, I really haven’t been able to fit it in. It’s astounding to me that the Prime Minister ever has time to practise his guitar!
THURSDAY 8 NOVEMBER
D invited me round to hers after school. She and Ethan have had another fight (now there’s a change!). Disha said it was all her fault – she was annoyed because they were meant to hang out on Saturday and he couldn’t make it after all. I said well, maybe she had a RIGHT to be annoyed. After all, they’d made plans, hadn’t they? Disha said it wasn’t Ethan’s fault if he had to work, was it? I said I thought he was a waiter, not a policeman. Also, MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY BREAD ALONE. Disha said try telling that to the Ethiopians. Disha said she doesn’t feel it’s right that she gets fed up with Ethan’s work schedule – esp. when she knows there’s nothing he can do about it. Apparently loving someone else should make you less selfish and très more Thoughtful and Understanding. I said, “You mean like the way Ethan’s so amazingly Thoughtful and Understanding of you?” She said I didn’t know what I was talking about since I’d never been in Love. I said well, maybe I’m not the only one who doesn’t know what she’s talking about!
FRIDAY 9 NOVEMBER
Decided to veg out in front of the box while the MC was fixing supper. (As you know, I’m not really a telly person – especially since it’s all reality TV nowadays. I like a little more intellectual stimulation than watching a bunch of people in a house annoy each other – I get enough of that in my daily life – but this is such a strenuous and demanding term that sometimes I need to MINDLESSLY RE
LAX.) Was so whacked that though I don’t usually watch the news because it’s SO depressing – no wonder Buskin’ Bob sings about dead hobos; it’s almost light relief!!! – I didn’t even have the strength to lift the remote and on it came. There was an award-winningly boring interview with some bloke from the government [Note to self: Why do politicians NEVER answer the question they’re asked – even if it’s repeated several times?], so I drifted off. I was thinking about Life and staring at the screen when I realized I was watching some fanatical protest types having a scuffle with the police. One of the fanatics looked familiar. I turned up the sound. A bunch of people had climbed over a fence at an air base and hung up an anti-war banner. The woman being hauled off by the coppers was Nan!!! I yelled for the Mad Cow. She didn’t seem v taken aback to see her mother-in-law being nicked. She said Nan’s arthritis doesn’t seem to be giving her any trouble, does it?
SATURDAY 10 NOVEMBER
Sigmund came to take me for another driving lesson. Found him in the kitchen drinking tea and eating chocolate biscuits with the MC. The two of them were laughing like hyenas about Nan’s run-in with the LAW. Sigmund said he never expected to be putting up bail for his mother. It was meant to be angry young men who wound up in jail, not angry old women. I said, “Welcome to the twenty-first century.”
I was doing really well with my driving today when all of a sudden we turned this corner. I said that’s a roundabout up ahead. Sigmund said I was one hundred per cent correct and to take the right-hand lane. He said it was gratifying for him to discover that the education system hasn’t failed me like it has so many others. I said, “But I don’t do roundabouts.” He said, “You do now.” He said the important thing was not to panic. Just remember what he told me. I didn’t see how I could do that when I had NO RECOLLECTION of him telling me anything, but I said I’d try. Got onto the roundabout without too much trouble (Sigmund did a bit of yelping but the other driver didn’t beep his horn or shake his fist or anything of that ilk, so it was just Sigmund overreacting as usual), but then I couldn’t get off it! It was really surreal. We just went round and round and round. Sigmund was yelling that I had to move left but I couldn’t move left because there were already all these cars there. They just kept coming like they were on some berserk assembly line. I was actually DIZZY by the time I finally made a break for it. (And you should’ve heard all the horns honking then!)