This is how they spent the next five hours. They practically stopped at every good-enough name and discussed it. Ultimately the names they decided upon were Michael and…
“No. You can’t be serious,” said Kayla, though smiling wide.
“Oh, come on. You know you like it. You have to like it.”
Kayla cocked her head a little. “Huh? Ethan, boys are juniors, not girls. No girl wants to be called junior. And what if she named her daughter Kayla too? She’d be ‘Kayla the Third.’ Come on, now.” Ethan just stared at her, with eyes that read ‘admit you like it.’ Ultimately, Kayla gave in. “Okay, I kinda like it, but not because I like my name; I just like the idea that … you know, my daughter’s named after me. She would be a tiny me, after all. If it’s a boy, he’ll be …”
“A tiny me?” asked Ethan.
Kayla became very quiet, again. There it was again – that sudden silence. Ethan had nearly forgotten about it, but now that it had returned, more out of place and subverting to the mood and conversation than the first time, he was more upset this time. “Are you going to tell me why you keep doing that?” he impatiently asked.
For a second, she didn’t reply or even gesture that she had heard him. “Hm? Doing what?”
“This…”
“I’m just not feeling good, that’s all.”
Ethan put the book away, sitting up to look Kayla dead in the eyes. “I’m not stupid,” he said.
Kayla couldn’t talk. It seemed she was either thinking or had forgotten how to speak. Merely through his face, Ethan made it known how impatient he was becoming. He hoped it was enough to make her be honest.
“You’ll never forgive me,” she said. “I don’t want you to hurt me.”
She didn’t need to say what it was for the words to sting like spikes impaling his chest. His mind raced, formulating all possibilities of what she could be talking about. In the meantime, he assured her, “I’d never, ever hurt you. You should know that by now.”
Kayla started to cry. She looked up at him, her breathing becoming heavier. She opened her mouth, but stopped herself, then left the room. Ethan followed, all the way outside, stopping her just before she got in their car. “Ethan, please, don’t.”
When she opened the driver’s door, Ethan forced it back shut. “The cat’s out of the bag, Kayla. You can’t talk about the fact you’re pregnant, sometimes, and then you bring up ‘forgiveness’? Today would have been the best day of my life so far, if it weren’t for this shit you’re pulling. So unless you want our relationship to end as soon as it started, I suggest you tell me what you’re hiding. Are you not really pregnant or is the baby not really mine?”
Kayla cringed. “It’s not yours…”
Ethan’s heart sank. Rage became him. He took the keys from Kayla, threw her aside, then got in the car and drove off. Last he saw, Kayla had fallen to her knees, burying her head in her hands.
–––––––
When Ethan returned home, Kayla wasn’t present, and neither were the other girls. He pondered a moment, then figured Kayla went to Andrew’s house. He returned to the car immediately.
Stepping out, but leaving the keys in the ignition, he approached the house, seeing Kayla sitting on the porch, with Andrew beside her, just out of arms’ reach. Both were smoking cigarettes, which prompted Ethan’s first statement.
“If you want me to have any part in this kid’s life, you’re not going to do that for the next nine months,” he said softly, but his gentle tone didn’t undertone the severity of his demand.
Kayla lowered her head, removing the stick and dropping it on the step. “I didn’t expect you to come,” she said.
Ethan glared at her, ignoring Andrew for the moment. “I’ve never wanted to hurt you, Kayla. Do you know that? I’ve never wanted to hurt you, but now, I do. What am I to you? Just another one of your fuck-buddies? Are you playing me because my family’s rich and powerful?”
“I’m still your family, too,” said Kayla nearly before he finished. “I love you, Ethan. I’ve never lied about that. I’ve never lied about anything.”
“Hiding something that’s this important is the same as lying.” Kayla acknowledged. “What else have you kept from me?”
“Nothing. I promise.”
“Then start talking… Actually, he can start.”
Andrew never looked Ethan in the eye. Disrespectful in Ethan’s eyes, but he understood; and enjoyed it, in fact. Kayla spoke for him, instead. “He doesn’t know much. Maybe when and what, but not why. He didn’t even know I was pregnant until a few minutes ago.”
“Fine. Then, let’s hear it.” Ethan sat down, legs crossed, genuinely prepared to hear Kayla’s story. However, before she could begin, another car pulled up, and out from it came Lilith. He had called her from his house, shortly before leaving.
“Ethan, this is between us. Why is she here?”
“She was my family before you came along. Best of all,” he added, looking at his sister approach and then sit beside him, “she’s never stabbed me in the back. I like that in my family. Call me fucking traditional.” Lilith smiled, but said nothing. She probably figured there was no need to speak.
For a long time, Kayla paused. Ethan would have demanded she get on with it already, but he didn’t want her to accidentally miss any important details.
“I’ve always had feelings for you, Ethan,” began Kayla. “Even before you … kissed me on New Year’s. When you kissed me… It was what I had wanted for a long time, but … it didn’t feel right. I mean, like, I wasn’t sure if I could… I just…” Ethan felt himself about to react in rage, in some way or another, if she continued tripping over her words. Finally, she said clearly and coherently, “Cousins aren’t supposed to fall in love.” Ethan hoped the rest of this story would be as straightforward. “People look down on that sort of thing. After you kissed me, I thought about things for a while. I almost came running back to you, ready to kiss you again,” she chuckled, “but then I remembered… I remembered that, well, your family is… You know…”
Lilith asked, “What about it?”
“You know damn well what,” snapped Kayla.
“Careful, Kayla. I could snap my fingers, and make you disap…”
“Stop! Both of you!” Ethan looked to Kayla. “So, you’re basically saying that you’re afraid of my family and that’s why you didn’t act on your ‘feelings for me?’”
“Why do you say it like that? I did have … I still have … feelings for you.”
“Answer the question.”
“Yes. Okay? I’m afraid. I’m afraid of your family of killers and extortionists.”
Lilith chuckled. “Ooh, big word there. I didn’t know your vocab included big words.”
“Sis… Just shut up!” Ethan waited a moment for Lilith to back down. “So, what’s any of this have to do with you fucking some guy behind my back?”
“My feelings about you never changed, Ethan. About you, about your family… I still feel that way right now. It’s hard to teach myself not to be afraid of so much, okay? Being in love with my cousin, when that cousin’s mom is a mob boss… Not to mention you don’t exactly have the most … ‘inviting’ personality.”
Ethan shook his head. “Sounds like you’re making shit up as you go.”
“I’m telling the truth, whether you believe it not. You don’t know what it’s like to have conflicting emotions! To want someone you have every reason in the world to avoid, but you can’t because you love how they make you feel…”
Complete silence.
Finally, Andrew sat up from his slump and added his two cents… “When you guys were in West Linn,” he said with no confidence whatsoever. He seemed terrified, but kept his speech even. “Kayla called me one day. I think you and her had a fight and…”
“She,” whispered Kayla.
“Fuck grammar, Kayla. Let him talk,” said Ethan.
“You… You stormed off after a fight or something one day.
Kayla called me, and, uh… She just told me how conflicted she was. She said she didn’t feel normal; like everything about her is messed up.”
Exhaling loudly, Ethan interjected. “I don’t want to hear the story about how one thing led to another.”
“It would help you understand,” said Kayla. “When it happened, I justified it by thinking it was normal. I thought I needed to be with someone I wasn’t related to. Someone whose family doesn’t kill people. After it happened, I hated myself even more. I made my decision once and for all after that. Okay? I didn’t mean to cheat on you. We weren’t even together yet when this happened. I’m not a cheating whore, okay?”
Lilith asked, “How do you even know it’s Andrew’s? Apparently you slept with him and my brother around the same time.”
Kayla scratched her ear as she said, “Ethan and I only had sex once in that house, and… Well… He came, but not in me.”
The first second after hearing that, it didn’t feel true. The more Ethan backtracked the events of that day, and night, the more that statement gradually made sense. She got me to finish with her hand. I guess she’s right… he admitted to himself.
“That surprises you?” asked Lilith.
“Somewhat,” said Ethan. “That night was… Never mind.”
Andrew raised his hands a bit. “Guys, maybe we shouldn’t talk about this out loud?”
“I don’t care, Andrew.”
“It doesn’t need to be talked about anyway,” said Kayla. “I know it’s Andrew’s, okay?
Whether this would end with Ethan wanting to continue being with Kayla, or cutting it off completely, Ethan just wanted this entire conversation finished. “So, where does this leave us, Kayla?” he sighed, rubbing his eyes.
Fragile and reluctant, Kayla answered, “It’s your choice, Ethan.”
“No. I think it’s your choice and your prized pothead over there. It’s not my kid. That’s the whole reason for this meeting.”
Andrew replied. “I can’t raise a kid, man. I don’t really even want to. I don’t know how Kayla feels about it, but… I think you’d make a good dad. I sure know I never would.”
“Fine. It’s settled.” Ethan stood and went to his car.
“Ethan!” Kayla called out. She ran to him. As he opened the driver’s side, she asked, “Can I go home with you?”
“Sure.” He couldn’t have said that more grudgingly.
After getting in and Ethan drove away, Kayla looked to him and asked, “Can we talk about this?”
“What’s left to talk about? You fucked Andrew, and I’ll be raising his kid. Situation makes perfect sense to me.”
“Please, don’t be angry.”
An unrealistic request. Now, it was his turn to be silent. He dropped Kayla off at the house, then drove off. For around an hour (he didn’t keep close track of time), he drove aimlessly around the city, in all four quadrants, wasting nearly an entire tank of gas. When he was in close proximity to where this whole relationship began, he decided to go there. Rocky Butte, with its high altitude and view of most of the city, he could do some serious thinking.
He sat on the wall alone, hearing nothing of the others fooling around there. The sun was beginning to set, prompting Ethan to time his visit to last until night fell.
He wondered if anyone could see him up there from down below. For a while he wondered what it would be like for gods, if any existed, looking down at mankind squabble around like ants. He imagined a giant being lowering its open hand, casting a dark shadow on the entire city as people screamed and lost their minds; and then the hand crushed them all… He had already contemplated death many times before; he wasn’t in the mood to again.
Fatherhood. A daunting prospect, thrown at him at the most inconvenient time in his life. Then, the truth about his unborn child shortly following. At least she didn’t keep it from me forever. Would it have been better if she had, though? Imagining the reaction from Phoebe about his relationship to Kayla was frightening enough. With this, though, he could rather easily imagine what she would say. She would probably tell him to man up and take care of his lover’s child, just as any man should. Ethan knew he wanted to do this, even knowing who the real father was. Still, one problem remained…
“What would a man do about him?” he said aloud. “That fucking scum I’m obligated to call my brother…”
He chose to contemplate all possible options, sensible and impractical alike. He considered befriending, or ignoring Bryan; forgiving, or hurting him. He thought of consulting Kayla, or leaving the decision to his sister, or Phoebe.
What’s my role in my family? he thought. The obvious: love and protect. That word had a heavy, lingering presence. Protect… A word that seemed to have an alternate definition now.
Nine years ago, he was half that size. Nine years ago, he was defenseless. He didn’t feel any bigger, but logically he knew he was.
Protect…
He was back there, in that home, in his bed. 1992. He heard the glass shatter again. Before his sister could react, he leapt out. This was his chance, his one chance, to undo his mistake. Rushing to the kitchen, seizing a knife, and then to the living room. Bryan was only screaming at his mother – he hadn’t attacked her yet – but it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t wait. Ethan charged at Bryan, thrusting the knife straight into his stomach. Bryan screamed, but wasn’t dead yet; he hadn’t even fallen down. So, Ethan stabbed him again, then again, and then again.
Bryan smacked Ethan across the face; it was all he could do before collapsing. And it was over. There was no more. His mother embraced him closely. She was still alive, and unharmed.
Someone was going to die. Ethan did not leave the choice to fate, but to himself.
Love and protect your family.
Someone was going to die anyway.
Ethan realized he let his mind drift too far from reality. His attention returned to where he sat, eighteen years old on a ledge, in a time when his mother was gone. That’s it, he thought, cringing. It’s control. It’s whoever, or whatever, has more control that decides the outcome of all things. He clenched his hand, angrily. I’ve always known this… But I was always weak.
In that moment he understood he already made his decision, years ago.
–––––––
JULY 2001
For nine months, he contemplated. For nine months, he doubted himself. And for nine months, he couldn’t change his own mind.
He maintained a healthy relationship with Kayla during that time. Their tension had dissipated quickly. Andrew remained out of the picture as promised, moving to central Washington by late June, with Phoebe Krohn’s help.
The house was prepared, and their lives were prepared. Ethan had begun an indefinite trial period shadowing Sierra and making decisions with, and for, the girls. He also part-time aided Phoebe, which included retrievals, accounting, and sometimes security. Kayla was not one of ‘the girls’ anymore, despite living in the house with them. She attended college, starting in the winter term, on her way to achieving a Major in psychology, and hopefully a Minor in philosophy.
All was well, except the thoughts that harassed Ethan’s mind every single day. He had already made his decision, but couldn’t bring himself to carry it out. For all those months, as Kayla’s bump grew, he made no mention of Bryan to Kayla.
And he never would, as long as he could help it.
Finally, he chose to act, when the thirty-ninth week had come, and Kayla said she felt the baby was coming soon. That was when reality struck him the hardest. The reality that he was going to have a baby, and Bryan was still out there…
“If you do this, there’s no going back,” said Lilith when she shut off the ignition. She, along with Shane and the rest of the Brotherhood, accompanied Ethan that night.
“Just like everything else in life,” replied Ethan. He lifted the machete from between his feet. “You’re coming,” he told his sister, implying in his tone that Shane, in the back seat, would not b
e. “But you won’t interfere.”
All lights in the house were off. It didn’t unnerve him. Nothing could. Ethan made no attempt to be silent. He was hasty, as if low on time … but he all the time in the world.
This would be the end of his life, one way or another. If it transpired as he wished, as he had always longed, he would die. An obsession, however buried in his subconscious, finally drawing to a close. He wasn’t there to kill or be killed, he was there for closure, whatever that would entail.
Lilith’s gang broke down the door. Bryan had been there, sitting in the dark on his couch watching a movie. He sprang up, a terrified expression on his face as multiple intruders entered.
“Down,” warned Ethan, remaining there with Lilith, while Shane and the other three moved behind Bryan. When Bryan saw he was outnumbered on opposite sides, he lowered the weapon. Ethan approached him, kicking the gun toward Lilith. Then, he stared at Bryan, with the barrel of his gun pointed under his chin. “Will I shoot?” he asked almost inaudibly.
“Maybe,” said Bryan. He was shaking, but not breathing abnormally.
Ethan shook his head. “Fortunately for you, that’s not how I prefer to do things.” He tossed Lilith his own gun, then took a few steps away from Bryan. “You’re going to tell me everything… Everything.”
“What’ya mean?” Bryan asked fearfully.
“The woman I called my mother.” Ethan said ‘mother’ completely intentionally, strongly implying why he was there at all. “I know she wasn’t your mother; that must have made it easy. She was nothing to you. Expendable. She was everything to me, though I don’t know if I can say the same for my sister. So, you’re going to tell me everything. Why you did it, how you can live with yourself… Everything.”
Bryan was quiet for a moment. “She sold me out to the mob. She tried to get me killed, so I killed her.”
“No. Mom wouldn’t do that to anyone, even you. Tell me the truth!”
“What do you want to hear, Ethan?”
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