by J. J. McAvoy
“You don’t believe.”
I didn’t like how she said that.
“I believe you. But Wyatt…Wyatt always wants to beat me.”
“That’s because he looks up to you. He loves you. Don’t doubt me, Mio bel leoncino, I have plans for the both you, and how do my plans go?”
“Your way.” She made the best plans. Daddy even said so.
“So I mean it. You’ll be the boss one day, and Wyatt will be there fighting alongside you…you just have to play your part right.”
“What’s my part?” I asked, trying to figure it out.
She stared at me seriously…like when I was in trouble. “You have to promise, no matter what he says or does, no matter how badly he might hurt him…you’ll never give up on him. You’ll never let him fight alone.”
“What if he doesn’t want to be on my side?”
“You use your big brother powers and knock some sense into him until he gets back in line.” She smiled a little bit. That felt like a lot of work to me. “Being the oldest is a hard job, Ethan. You’ll get blamed for everything. You’ll sometimes feel alone, like the whole world is stepping on your neck, but if you don’t give up, if you don’t give into the pain, you’ll see. Your brother and sister will be there when you need them. So promise me that you won’t give up any of them.”
“I promise, Mommy,” I said, the scary look in her eyes disappeared, and she kissed my forehead as she stood up from my bed. “I’ll go make soup.”
“You’re making it?” I asked, my face bunching up.
She crossed her arms. “What’s wrong with my soup?”
“It tastes like feet.”
I didn’t say that. We both looked to the door where Wyatt stood.
“Excuse me?” Mom asked him.
“Your soup tastes like feet, Mommy.” He shrugged his shoulders at her as he came over to my bed. “That’s just gonna make him sicker, so I brought some from Nana!”
He lifted the lid for me to see.
I looked at him. His hair was getting so long he could tuck it behind ears now.
“You’re supposed to go fishing with Dad?”
“I was, but somebody got sick!” he said and then just pointed in my face.
“So, you could have still gone—”
“I can’t beat you if you’re not there,” he snapped at me, opening the tray and giving me the bottom bowl. I looked over to my mom, but she was already at the door. She gave me wink before stepping outside. Just like she said, he didn’t go without me.
Wyatt got up on his knees to pour the soup for me. “It’s the or...h…ora…zo...”
“Italian orzo spinach soup,” I pronounced it for him as he glared at me.
“Whatever, it’s your favorite soup, so here. Eat it and get better already,” he snapped and handed me the spoon, too.
I took the spoon, looking at his hair again. “You need a haircut.”
He reached up and grabbed his hair. “I don’t know how to cut it.”
“What?” I asked him. He moved and sat beside me, looking at my head like I was bug or something. “What?”
“I don’t want the same haircut as you.”
“You don’t have to get the same one as me.”
He frowned, crossing his arms and looking away. “Why do you get the cool one?”
It’s cool? “I can pick one for you,” I offered.
“I can do it.”
“Okay then,” I said, taking a bite of my soup, which really was good.
“Fine.” He sighed, and I looked to him, swallowing again. He took a deep breath and then smiled wide, pointing at me again. “You better pick me a cool one or…”
“Or what?”
“I’ll put mushrooms in your food forever.” He stuck his tongue out at me before getting off my bed. “I’m going to go get Dona, so we can watch a movie.”
“I’m supposed to be resting.”
“I’m supposed to be fishing, but you don’t see me complaining. So we’re watching a movie!” he yelled, marching to the door, slamming it behind him.
It was only when he was gone that I laughed.
He was so weird.
But kinda cool…
But I won’t ever tell him that, or he’ll just get a big head.
ETHAN
“Ethan!”
Lifting my head, I stared at her as she came toward me. She put her hands on my face and stared me in the eye.
“Wyatt? How is he?”
I just stared back into her eyes.
“Ethan?” She swallowed slowly. “Why are you not saying anything? Say something! How is Wyatt?! SPEAK!”
“Nana.” My voice was foreign even to me. It hurt to speak. “I promised my mother I’d never abandon him. That I’d never give up on him…and I did…I…I…abandoned…I abandoned my little brother and now he’s…he’s…”
My vision blurred as I stared at her. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. Rising from my chair, I stumbled, trying to get away from her…I could barely see straight. Somehow…I managed to get into the bathroom. Holding onto the sink, the little that was in my stomach come right back out of me again.
Why?
Why couldn’t I do what I needed to do?
Why couldn’t I keep them safe?
When did I start to fall apart?
Looking to my own reflection, I didn’t recognize myself. Who was this failure? Who was this utter disappointment? Why did it have my face?
“You left your brother because of a woman?” I questioned my mirrored self. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!”
Slamming my fists against the glass, I screamed as if he could hear me, as if that would somehow bring him back.
“Ethan!” I felt hands all over me.
“Let go! LET GO!” I screamed.
“STOP!” Sedric hollered, throwing me up against the shattered glass. His eyes were red and bloodshot as he glared at me. “You cannot break! DO YOU HEAR ME? We are all on the edge! We are hurt. You cannot take a break because we fucking need you to fix this! We need you, Ethan. We need you...urgh!”
His grip loosened as his body shook, overcome with grief.
I didn’t know what to feel anymore.
What to think.
I slid to the floor, realizing that everything I feared had come to pass…
I was Ethan Antonio Giovanni Callahan, the son who the ruined the family, who lost the kingdom, son of the former head of the Irish mob, Liam Alec Callahan, and former head of the Italian mafia, ex-governor Melody Nicci Giovanni Callahan…a disgrace to both.
I didn’t deserve to be their son.
If they could see me now they’d kill me and be right for it.
I’d broken my promises to both of them.
ETHAN – AGE SEVENTEEN
“You don’t smile anymore,” he said to me.
I glanced up from the book I was reading to look at him as he watched the sun set over the tree lines.
“Does smiling accomplish anything?” I asked, looking back at my book.
“It makes you more approachable.”
“I don’t want to be approached, so I guess it works out.” I flipped to the next page.
“So how do you plan on keeping the family together,” he questioned, taking out a cigarette from his coat jacket.
“With knowledge and power,” I answered.
“That’s only half of the equation,” he snickered, lighting the cigarette but not daring to smoke it. Instead, he just held it as it burned. “Love and family keeps the other half.”
“And this has what to do with me smiling?” I questioned.
“How does the family know you love them? That you are there for them if you never smile?”
“By the fact that I haven’t let them die, from their stupidity.”
“Ouch,” he said, and I looked to him again. “Harsh words. You think they’re stupid?”
“They are constantly acting like children. Running off to clubs and parties. Drinkin
g and messing around as if they don’t have things to learn. I clean up their messes—”
He laughed right in my face. Snapping my book together, I turned to him and asked, “Please, tell me what is so funny, Father? Maybe if I’m in on the joke I’ll be able to smile.”
“You think you’re cleaning up after them, but in reality, they are messing up for you.”
“What?”
“Wyatt. Darcy. Sedric. Even Dona when she is here…they are acting out for you. You made yourself the parent, and just like all kids, they want your attention. When do you engage? When you’re cleaning up.”
“So what? I should go mess around with them? That’s your fatherly advice?”
“Yes.” He nodded as he looked at the cigarette and finally lifted it to his mouth, taking a long drag before looking at me. “If you were with them, they wouldn’t mess up as badly. They simply want to get close to you. But you’ve decided to build the Berlin Wall between the both of you. You’re depressing as fuck to be around. I can handle it. In some ways, it reminds me of your mother. She was better at that than you, though. She could stand at a distance but still somehow make herself available. It was remarkable to watch actually. Pure genius.”
“Yes, mother was amazing. But I still don’t understand what you’re saying. Whether I smile or not, as long as I do my job I’m fine. They are. Besides it’s not that I don’t…I don’t…”
“Love them?”
I hated his smug ass so much sometimes. “They know I care about them.”
“Knowing and feeling is different, Ethan, especially for brothers. The colder you are, the more distance you put between the both of you by forcing yourself to grow up, the harder it will become for you to connect with each other.”
“If I’ve had to grow, it’s because this family made me grow. There are no kids in this family, just targets, you give them any small opening and then they—”
“End you.” He took a second drag of his cigarette. “You’re right.”
“So why do I get the feeling you’re telling me I’m not right?”
He frowned, and his eyes softened as he looked me over. “You have to be powerful, and you have to be knowledgeable. Both are essential to your survival.”
“But?” I questioned, eyebrow raised.
“The more powerful you become. The more you know…the more painful this job gets. You will take losses. We’ve all taken losses, and the way we make it through is by relying on the love in this family. The bonds in this family. If you do not connect to them, when the time comes, when you feel like you’ve gotten to the bottom of the barrel and simply wish to die, promise you’ll turn to your family and not just depend on the knowledge and power you have.”
“If I’m not strong enough to fix whatever has happened…how could they be?” They barely cared. They were all looking for their outs, ways to leave this family to be normal.
“How would you know what they are capable of you don’t even speak to them?” he asked me.
Ignoring him, I opened my book again.
“I’ll just be good enough not to hit rock bottom,” I said, causing him to laugh. I gripped onto the book to keep from beating the shit out of him with it. Instead, I picked another weapon…words. “What’s the matter, Father? Are you scared that one day I’ll outdo you? That you’ll become nothing but a memory as I take over. I’m smarter than you were. Stronger than you were. I will be great. So great, I’ll overshadow you and every other man in this family.”
“Oh, please, go ahead…I’ll watch from hell as you stumble and fall right on your face.” He grinned, nodding to me once more.
“I think I’ll go see—”
“You will sit your ass down and listen to my wisdom, gratefully,” he snapped. Rolling my eyes, I did what he asked and sat back down.
“I have no doubt you’ll be great, son. Just like I know that greatness will break you if you have no one beside you. And I’m not just talking about a wife.”
“So this is really about Wyatt?” I should have fucking known.
“It’s about the both of you!” he hollered at me. “I will not always be here. One day you will take over, and you cannot shoulder that alone. When your mother died, you both decided to feel nothing and turned away from each other—”
“I wonder who we learned that from,” I sneered back at him, rising to my feet. “I apologize, but I’ve got work to do. Shoot me if you like.”
“Ethan,” he called, not bothering look behind him as he took his third and final puff of his smoke. “Promise me, when that day comes, you’ll turn to your bother.”
“Fine. I give my word. Let’s see if he’ll actually be there,” I muttered the last bit to myself as I walked back into the manor.
But of course, the very last person I wanted to see came walking in my direction. He didn’t say anything and just kept walking as if I didn’t exist, his hands in his pockets.
“You don’t know how to say hello?” I asked when he passed me.
“Hello. Oh, look at that I do…I just must have not wanted to say it to you.”
Inhaling deeply, I held my head high. “One of these days, Wyatt, you’re going to need me, and I’m not going to be there for you.”
“I promise not to need you then. Win-win for us both. I won’t be such a burden, right?” Then, before I could even say another word, he was out one of the glass doors. I watched him take the seat I’d just been sitting in, pulling out a deck of cards from his pocket.
My father grinned as if he’d just been shown a treasure map, turning to face Wyatt and taking the cards from him to shuffle.
I had to count on him? Ha! He was joke.
He could die for all I cared.
Take it back. I tried to look away from them.
Take it back.
Urgh! Why was I the only one tortured! Why didn’t they understand me?
Mom…I hate this. I hate them all.
ETHAN – AGE EIGHTEEN
“You’re the Ceann Na Conairte,” he stated, leaning against the doorframe, still dressed in his blacks. The funeral had ended hours ago, but he was still walking around like the dead. “You must be happy, you’ve finally earned the keys to the kingdom.”
“Let’s not do this today, Wyatt—”
“Do I have to call you Boss now, or would you prefer the less formal SIR?” He snickered as he moved into my room. I watched as he stammered. The closer he got, the more I could smell the alcohol coming off of him.
“I’d prefer if you weren’t drunk and in my face.” I glared down at him.
He ran his hands through my hair. “Who do you think is going to die first? You or me?”
“The way you’re headed—”
“I hope to God it’s me.” He smiled cruelly and pointed his finger into my chest. “You have to live…outlive me, brother. Because if you don’t, we all know I’m going to be the one to bring this thing down. So let me go first.”
“Wyatt—”
“DON’T YOU DARE SAVE ME!” he hollered at my face. “Because I refuse to go to another funeral for the people I love. I won’t. You can’t make me.” He pulled off his tie and threw it at my feet. “I’m done. I’m free. I’m not joining this death march. I’m going go to medical school. I’m going to live a normal life and forget you’re my brother. You die here like everyone else, and I’ll stay out of your way. Deal?”
The moment he held out his hand, I wanted to punch his face in, but instead, trembling with rage, I forced myself to walk away. I walked around him, ripping the door open, and walked right out. I made it only a few paces before I heard his cries. Balling my fist, I bit my lip. I turned back, only making it to my door before I saw Helen, her arms around him as he sobbed. Her eyes met mine, and I shook my head, closing the door on them.
He was pitiful.
He was fucking selfish.
And he knew how to gut people with words.
He could at least cry.
Me. What could I do? Who could
I cry to?
Fuck tears.
He could cry.
I’ll work.
He could run.
I’ll carry this on my own.
Just like I knew I would.
TWENTY
“There’s a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.”
~ David Platt
EVELYN
You’d think I’d be used to this.
How many times had I gone through this?
I’d lost people so often that it had become part of my muscle memory. I knew all the stages I would go through. How long it would take before I found the will to smile again. I knew the aching would last forever, like a dull knife taking an eternity to tear off a piece of my heart. Even in my mind I couldn’t help but organize—call the casket maker, the grounds keeper, the family florist, and the family church…have all the clothes sent to everyone’s rooms. There needed to be a statement, and then when it was over, I’d come home to silence that was deafening. I’d try to smile while everyone checked on me because I was one heartbreak away from closing my eyes and never getting up again.
This life was horrid.
I was living my punishment.
Every once in a while, I’d forget this was hell, and I’d get comfortable. The moment I did, however, hell would remind me that I didn’t deserve to smile. I didn’t deserve joy. I was being punished. Why had we chosen this life?
When I was young, I was told because we would have starved and died had no one taken care of our families. But now that I was old, I knew that was no longer the reason. We couldn’t stop. We couldn’t walk away from it. The drugs and the power…we couldn’t let it go, because we knew if we did, it would be certain death. We’d caused so much pain, had hurt so many people, had destroyed so many families…but if we stopped, we’d die because they would come for us. How could they not? When we were strong, they came for us. If we were weak, they’d come even more.
So we had to commit.
We had to walk this hell, and we forced our children, and their children, to walk it, too, because no matter how evil we were… the one thing we wanted more than anything else was for our children to live.
