SEAL Firsts

by Sharon Hamilton

  “Aren’t you sure, Shannon? Because if you’re not, best to tell me now. Just get it out there, and I’ll walk away.” He didn’t smile. She could see he wanted the reassurance, but didn’t want to make it too obvious.

  “T.J., we had time together with Frankie’s dad. And now to call them and say we’re getting married, well, I don’t think it shows Frankie the respect he’s owed.”

  T.J. got pensive. “Maybe you’re right. Frankie would want us to wait, to be sure. String it out for a year or two. He’d want us to wait until after the baby was born, maybe have you date a few other frogs to make sure you were making the right choice, that sort of thing.” His serious face showed not a hint of humor, but she knew him well enough to know he was just about to bust a gut.

  She beamed up at him. “Have all those girls after you, have you dodging the frog hogs and high schoolers, sampling here and there,” she said as she reached for his cock and squeezed it. Her hands were on his thigh as she dropped her towel, went up on her tippy toes, and pressed her big belly into him. “All those lithe young bodies moaning under your strength. The girls you could tie up and cuff.”

  T.J. stepped back out of her reach. “Whoa. Wait a minute. Somebody’s been talking out of school.”

  “What do you think Frankie was doing after you described what you liked to do to your partners? I heard all about it.” She stepped to him and took his cock in her palms again. “And I expect—after the baby’s born, of course—for you to deliver. I’ve had a preview. I want the full fuckin’ feature.”

  Holy shit. Did I just say that?

  She realized then and there that things were back to normal in her life, if that was ever possible. She was starting to swear again.

  Like a sailor.

  Chapter 11

  T.J. noticed a marked change in Shannon when her mother came to visit. The woman was built so solidly, the guys used to call her the Iron Maiden, whispering it so Frankie didn’t hear, of course.

  With one eyebrow raised, Mrs. Moore examined him like an ugly insect throwback in some nerd’s bug collection.

  “Nice to see you, T.J. You been helping Shannon do some things around the house?”

  He worked not to blush. It was something like that. He was hopefully helping her get her life back, look forward to something. But he could see in Mrs. Moore he’d hit a brick wall. She might have noticed his duffel bag and some clothes strewn across the bed, a surefire indication he’d spent some nights there, but Mrs. Moore was purposely ignoring them.

  She kept her eye on him even as he went to the head to take a leak. When he came out, she stopped whispering to her daughter.

  “So, T.J. who are you dating these days? Anyone Shannon or Frankie would know?” Her eyes registered the cold blooded demeanor of a lizard.

  He checked Shannon’s line of sight and saw she wouldn’t look at him.

  “I have my heart set on the right girl, whenever she’ll have me.”

  Mrs. Moore leaned back and roared. Her brittle laughter tinkled like pieces of shattered glass. “My understanding is that you’ll probably have to forage somewhere outside of San Diego. I think you’ve bedded—”

  “Mother, please.”

  T.J. was glad Shannon had come to his defense, but a sense of unease and dread began to grow. He felt a sense of danger the more time these two women spent together. And he didn’t know why.

  “I don’t think that is very polite, Mother. T.J. has been a great friend, helping Joe build a playhouse for Courtney. You really ought to see it. Very impressive.”

  Mrs. Moore walked down the hallway to view the backyard from the master bedroom and shouted back, “You make a good carpenter, T.J. At least you could do that if the SEALs don’t work out for you.”

  T.J. angled his head, looking for some sign from Shannon, but she shrugged and gave a puzzled expression in return. Mrs. Moore came back into the room.

  “Well, I’m sure you have a lot better things to do than hang around a couple of old married women. I’m taking Shannon shopping. I’d invite you, but I think you’d be pretty miserable.”

  He placed his palms in his jeans pockets and nodded for a bit before answering. “You’re quite right, Mrs. Moore. I’ll just get my things.”

  “Why don’t you wait for us?” Shannon posed. “Maybe we could have dinner after I drop Mom off at the hotel?”

  “And do what? Clean the house? Straighten your closets?” T.J. felt the scab had been picked and he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t like that Shannon was excluding him. Mrs. Moore reminded him of some of the foster moms and state officials he’d known. They’d talk civilly but their hearts were black as coal. Being around her made him nervous.

  Shannon was frowning when he stuffed the duffel with clothes from the bed. Throwing his shaving kit inside and zipped it up. With the canvas strap slung over his shoulder, he leaned over and gave Shannon a wet kiss on her cheek, daring her to grab him and demonstrate what she’d been showing him for the past several days and nights.

  But unfortunately that wasn’t to be.

  Fuck it. Definitely overdue for a bender.

  He was still cursing himself when he met Tyler at the Scupper later that evening. Tyler was trying to be helpful.

  “So, she doesn’t like you. Shannon didn’t like you at first, either.”

  “Tyler, I’m not going to fuckin’ have sex with Mrs. Moore to convince her I’m a nice guy. No, the bitch is made from body parts straight from hell.”

  “Come on, T.J. Lighten up.” Tyler tried to punch him in the arm, but T.J. glared at him.

  Tyler had the stones to wait until T.J. softened his eyes first. That was smart. Wait for the angry man to not debase himself and get things under control. Only jump in and call him out when it was getting into emergency mode. T.J. was glad he still had that control.

  “I’m falling for her, Tyler.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know.”

  “Probably isn’t wise, but I am.”

  “So, can you distance yourself?”

  “Not and keep my promise to Frankie. I said I’d be there.”

  “But not in his wife’s bed.”

  “No he even said that too, in the end. Was the hardest thing I’ve ever heard. The guy knew he was dying and he made me promise—” T.J. didn’t want to show tears, so he squinted and looked to the side at the string of muscled men sitting up to the bar watching a basketball game.

  “Grief does a lot of things to a man. You should talk to Nick about that one. Kate says Devon has her hands full sometimes at the winery, Sophia’s—you know.”

  “Yeah, I know. I really miss that sonofabitch. Frankie would know what to say to cheer me up. I never realized how much he did for me.”

  “I gotta ask you, man. What do you think Shannon wants?”

  “Well, that’s the thing. I thought I knew. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe she was just lonely.”

  “Hell, you both were lonely. Wouldn’t be the first or last time a SEAL widow took up with another SEAL, you know. Maybe even someone she wouldn’t have—”

  That put T.J. over the edge. He’d been hit with the two by four called She’s only with you because she doesn’t have Frankie, and that smarted more than anything else he’d felt for months.

  He wasn’t in good shape when Shannon called him. He was walking down the Strand, because he knew he shouldn’t be driving. He was so drunk, he couldn’t remember where his pickup was, anyway.

  “I’ll come get you,” she whispered. In spite of his sour mood, his unit lurched, making him swear.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I’m fine,” he argued.

  “T.J., come on. This is me.”

  He watched the steady stream of lights from passing traffic and decided he’d not take a chance to cross the road and run to the beach. It was dark. He was drunk and cold. He wanted to go home and fall asleep in his own bed.

  “I’m not much good company tonight.”

  �
�Don’t do this, T.J.”

  He knew it wasn’t wise, but he sat down on one of the concrete bus stop benches, leaned back and crossed his leg. “You think we did this all too fast, Shannon?”

  He hated that she took a long time to answer.

  “Can we talk about this in person?”

  “You don’t want to be around me tonight, Shannon.”

  “I don’t want to leave you this way.”

  “What way?” He knew what she meant but he wouldn’t let go. He knew it was so unwise to even talk to her right now. But he couldn’t help himself. Just like Frankie and wanting to talk to the girls. He didn’t, but he couldn’t help himself.

  “You’re drunk.”

  “Well, la-dee-fuckin-da.”

  “You’re an asshole.”

  “Yes, darlin’ I am. I’m a fuckin’ asshole.”

  “I’m coming to get you. Tell me where you are.”

  He reluctantly told her and then fell asleep on the bench. Next thing he knew, he was being shaken by a policeman he’d had a run-in with a time or two. Shannon arrived just in time to place her very pregnant body between the official and T.J. before he could be arrested.

  “It’s my fault, officer. I was late,” Shannon started. “I got held up and didn’t get here like I was supposed to.”

  T.J. groaned at the lie. The policeman helped her get T.J. into her car after some fancy explanations from Shannon.

  He knew she was angry with him when she didn’t say anything until they got nearly to her house. “So what brought all this on, T.J.?”

  “Why didn’t you tell your mom?”

  “Tell my mom what?”

  He couldn’t believe he was hearing this. Did she forget already that she’d said she’d marry him? “You didn’t tell her about us, Shannon.” He saw pity in her eyes, exactly the thing he didn’t want to see.

  “T.J. We need to talk.”

  Yeah, holy fucking right we need to talk.

  They arrived at the house, and Shannon parked the car in the garage. T.J. was struggling to get out on the passenger side when Shannon was suddenly there to help him up. He tried to push her arms away, but had to be careful, and in the end gave up and just let her guide him.

  He loved the smell of her hair, the brush of her belly as she braced him, pressing her left breast into his chest, encouraging him with little words like he was a child. She led him to the living room, pulled his feet up onto the ottoman, covered him with an afghan and removed his shoes. He heard the buzz of a coffee grinder and soon the fresh smell of the black brew.

  “You want something to eat, T.J.?”

  He couldn’t answer that question. His mind was completely blank.

  “T.J.?” she asked, her hands on her waist.

  “I don’t fuckin’ know.”

  She brought him a mug of steaming black coffee, but didn’t trust him to hold it on his own. When he reached for it, she held it away from him. “Wait just a minute or two. I don’t want you to burn yourself.”

  None of this was helping his mood. Finally she put the mug to his lips and watched as he slurped it and then pulled his head back when he’d had enough.

  “So I gather you’ve changed your mind.” T.J. didn’t see any point in belaboring the point. He decided to confront her.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “But you didn’t tell your mom what we’ve been doing the last few days either. That indicates you’ve had second thoughts, Shannon. Or am I wrong?”

  “You’re right about one thing. Perhaps this was all too fast.” She was studying her hands wringing in her lap. When she looked up at him, he wasn’t sure what he saw in her eyes.

  “What is it, Shannon? What’s changed?”

  She hesitated before starting. “Mom overheard one of the wives say you made a promise to Frankie to take care of me and Courtney.”

  “Yeah, I did. So?” He was getting a very uneasy feeling about her mother’s communication.

  “So, I have to ask you, T.J., would you even be here in the first place if you hadn’t made that promise? Are you doing this for Frankie, or—” she turned and looked away from him.

  “Shannon, honey, no.” He tried to grab her but upturned the hot coffee and it burned his leg. “God dammit!” he shouted.

  They both ran to the kitchen to get towels. The burn on his thigh didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the ache in his chest. Before they returned to the couch, he pulled her to him. “Please, believe me. My promise has nothing to do with this. It got me here, but it’s not what’s keeping me here. Shannon, you have to believe me.”

  “Then why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”

  T.J. was starting to lose his patience. He didn’t like his honor questioned. “What the hell lies did your mother pour into you?”

  Shannon reared up. “How dare you say that? These are my questions.”

  “Well, everything was fine until she came down here. What kind of infection did that woman lay on you?”

  “She’s my mother, T.J.” Shannon shouted.

  “Yeah? Well I had a mother too, for all the good it did me.” He wished he could stop, but he couldn’t. Something had become uncorked, something raw and ugly and vile.

  He could see she was staring into that dark pit that was his past, and it scared her.

  “I never had anyone who cared a shit about me until I joined the Navy, until I met Frankie. Family is just—I could never do what my father did to me, abandon my child. I want to be there for you both.”

  “I understand, but I think we should wait until after the baby’s born to make all these permanent decisions.”

  He cursed to himself. He’d jumped the gun and gotten in the sheets with her first, and impulsively asked her to marry him, which was a huge mistake. If he could have just taken his time, been patient, perhaps she wouldn’t be having this reaction.

  And then there was that fuckin’ big knot in his stomach that said perhaps he wasn’t the right man for her after all. He’d made the promise to Frankie, but what if it wasn’t what Shannon wanted?

  “Look, Shannon, I’m sorry. I want only the best for you and for the baby. And yes, I gave my word. You have to understand I’ve never done this before. I fuckin’ made a promise and I’m going to keep it. I’m just not doing it the right way, obviously. And maybe I never will. I’m not Frankie, and I fuckin’ won’t replace him.”

  “Nor could you, T.J.”

  Her steely tone stabbed him. Anger flared again in his belly. She was right. He never could be the kind of husband and father Frankie was. He was a completely different man. Different kind of man. Didn’t matter how much he told himself, the fact remained he would never live up to Frankie’s expectations of him. So why try?

  “T.J., I care for you deeply. But I still want to cool things off a bit, catch my breath and figure out what I want. I don’t want to rush into anything. I need some time.”

  “Of course.” Tired and defeated, he spoke to his shoes. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  Shannon agreed quickly and slept in the master bedroom. Alone.

  The next morning, he felt the distance between them growing. He didn’t want to be the one chasing her. The dull ache in his chest was unbearable and he told her he’d give her some space and return to his little apartment. She casually said she’d call him in a few days.

  He forced himself not to call her and tried to focus on anything but how lonely he felt. First, he’d lost Frankie. He felt like he’d lost Shannon. Nothing he used to do to get himself out of his funk appealed to him, either. Worst of all was the feeling he’d let Frankie down.

  T.J. was cleaning his equipment at his apartment two days later when he got a call from Tyler.

  “I think a little get together is way past due. You free Friday night, stud?” Tyler asked.

  “Sure.” He was pretty sure this would involve a blind date with someone they thought was perfect for him. And it never worked. “Who the fuck is she Tyler
?”

  “Kate’s sister from Portland. She’s a real nice lady. Got two kids. Very level headed, though, and pretty.”

  “Not really up for this, Tyler. Not really a good idea.”

  “So, you’re gonna sit home and, what, watch TV?”

  “That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing, that and some PT.”

  “So Friday you’re coming over for a barbeque. You’re coming alone, right?”

  “Probably. Haven’t seen Shannon in about three days. And I haven’t called her.”

  “Good.”

  Gretchen was in her early thirties, and an attractive, thoughtful lady, composed in spite of always being surrounded by her own little wolf pack of girls. Though it was far from anything he’d experienced, he found a new affinity for family, for connection. He knew Shannon would do what she needed to do. He couldn’t change that.

  But he still hoped she’d opt for staying in San Diego. Even if she wanted a separate life from his, he could still be a part of Courtney’s life as he’d promised Frankie. He chuckled at the “old, gnarly guy” spying on the probably gorgeous Courtney at her soccer games or dance parties. The one who would take out anyone who as much as touched or looked at her wrong. The guy would be toast. In spite of himself, he cracked a smile.

  Kate switched on the TV and all of them watched a news flash about threats coming from groups in the Middle East. They were threatening the lives of servicemen, saying they’d come get them at home.

  Tyler and T.J. shook their heads. “Can’t wait to hear what Kyle has to said about this. They’ve gotta be making plans,” Tyler said.

  “You check out all the new security on base? I’d say hell yeah they’re making plans.”

  The newsflash was over in seconds, and Tyler shut the TV off. “Not like I have to listen to this thing play over and over again all night.” He left to check on the barbeque.

  “So how you holding up, T.J.?” Gretchen asked him after the girls ran past them to the backyard. Kate had given them ice cream.

  “There are days which aren’t so good. Most days, I’m okay. Trying not to do anything too stressful, just chilling. We’ll get plenty of stress next deployment.”