SEAL Firsts

by Sharon Hamilton

  The next day, she went shopping with her mother for things for the new house. They talked over lunch like they had when she had her first department store job when she was still in high school.

  Shannon went with her mother to interview a new doctor, a woman doctor this time, who didn’t ask where her husband was. She still wore her wedding ring, the simple gold band that was the only thing Frankie had been able to afford. She made diagrams and drew out the furniture she would bring up. She laid out Courtney’s nursery. She thought about the vegetables she’d plant, and she interviewed her realtor’s gardener. She found a new place to have her car serviced.

  T.J.’s messages finally stopped, as if he’d had a premonition about her plans. Day after tomorrow she’d return to begin the packing and moving process. With her parents as co-signers on the loan, there wasn’t an issue about her qualifying. The death benefit was more than ample for her down payment. She knew Frankie would approve.

  Now if she could figure out a way to tell T.J. without breaking his heart. Would he be able to support her in this decision? Would he understand?

  Chapter 13

  T.J.’s phone rang early the next morning. It was Shannon.

  “Understand you’ve gone up north.”

  “Yes, I came to visit my folks.”

  He wanted to say something but held his tongue. He wanted to tell her what a bad idea that was, ask her why she had to go way up there when everything she needed was right here in San Diego. But he didn’t want to hear what she’d say.

  “I’m actually considering staying here. I want you to think about that before we talk further.”

  So, there it was. Confirmed. His worst nightmare.

  “Sounds like you’ve pretty much made up your mind.”

  “I think it would be good up here for Courtney and I.”

  “Where do I fit in that picture?”

  “I’m not sure yet. Where do you want to be?”

  “Well, I can’t move up there. Sounds like you don’t want to be here, with me. So that pretty much tells me everything.” He thought he was prepared for this conversation, but now realized how inadequate he felt. He wished they were talking face to face, but realized perhaps that was Shannon’s plan.

  “I’ve had some time to think, and maybe staying down in San Diego isn’t the best for me anymore.”

  “Why, Shannon? I already said I’d take care of you and the baby. Why are you running away?”

  “I’m not, T.J.”

  “So you just don’t want to be around me, right? It’s me, then. Why don’t you just fuckin’ come out and say it?”

  “Because that’s not the truth.”

  “Why didn’t we talk about this?”

  “You don’t owe me anything, T.J. I want to do this on my own. Away from the distraction of—”

  He hated this. “So, now I’m a distraction?”

  “You don’t have to take care of me. I want to know I can do it on my own.”

  “I just have to ask you, Shannon. Is there someone else?”

  “No. I wouldn’t do that.”

  “I’m coming up to see you.”

  “No, don’t. That’s not a good idea.”

  “You saying you’ll refuse to see me? That what you’re saying?”

  “Why do you have to be so in charge? Can’t you see I just need to process things a little?”

  “You know what you’re doing to Joe and Gloria Benson?”

  “T.J., that’s between me and them.”

  “I’m fuckin’ coming up there to talk to you, period.”

  “Fine.” She sighed. “But I won’t change my mind. You can’t fix this, T.J.”

  T.J. got permission from Kyle to make a run up to the Bay Area and then took a transport to Moffet Field. He rented a car on the El Camino and rang Shannon.

  “Where are you right now?” he asked.

  “You’re here? Now?”

  “What did you think, I was kidding?”

  She decided to give him the address of the little house she’d just made an offer on.

  Within a half hour T.J.’s hulking frame blocked sunlight coming through the small rounded window in the heavy oak door. He pushed it open with a loud creek that echoed off the bare hardwood floors and stucco walls. The place was similar in style to the home she and Frankie had bought in San Diego, a Spanish style bungalow, but even smaller.

  The sight of her as she walked around the corner from the kitchen took his breath away. She’d developed even rosier cheeks, and her belly looked like it had grown dramatically. He found himself gawking and then remembered himself.

  As he got close to her he could see her apprehension. He wanted it to be anticipation of a joyful reunion, but that’s not what she showed him. With her arms outstretched, palms facing him, she kept him from her, so he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

  “Missed you,” he whispered.

  “Thank you, T.J.” He could see she was choosing her words carefully. “I’ve been good. It’s been good here.” She turned, walking toward a sliding door that led to the backyard off the dining room. He could see the steam from the heat of her fingers as she placed her palm against the glass. “It’s small. Only two bedrooms, but I can afford it, with Frankie’s benefits.”

  He stood next to her. The overgrown yard was going to be a lot of work for her. There was a single swing hanging from the branch of a large shade tree. “You’re gonna fuckin’ do this?” he whispered.

  “I think so.”

  “Doesn’t have a playhouse,” he mumbled.

  That got her to turn towards him. God how he wished she’d take his hand, give him just some little bit of encouragement. It wasn’t much, but she smiled. “Maybe you and Joe could bring the one you made up here. Do you think you guys could do that?”

  He wanted to say no. He wanted to grab her and drag her butt back to San Diego, stay right next to her until she changed her mind. He told himself he’d let her drift too long. He never should have waited. He’d given her the space, and she’d gone and convinced herself she needed a separate life. And he knew Frankie wouldn’t want that. It was eating a hole in his stomach like acid. He couldn’t protect her from afar, and he wasn’t ready to leave the Teams, even if she wanted him here, which she clearly did not.

  “Shannon, I’ll do what you want. I promised to take care of you, and if this is really what you want, well, I guess Frankie will have to forgive me.”

  “But you could still be part of our lives. I wouldn’t ever exclude you from Courtney’s life. My parents—”

  “Fuckin’ hate me, Shannon. Well, your mother does, anyway. How long before she’d convince you that I didn’t belong anywhere near you and the baby?”

  “I won’t let that happen. I promise.”

  He decided he was ready to look at her. With her face upturned, her full lips so kissable, her nostrils flared slightly, warm breath washing over the delicate hairs on her upper lip, he wished he were the man she needed, she wanted. He wanted her in the worst way. He’d only had a taste of what it could be like. Frankie was right, had been right all along. Shannon was the real deal.

  And he’d discovered it too late. He’d mucked it up. And now perhaps that chance would never come along again. He touched her cheek with the backs of his fingers, rubbing his thumb over her lips. “All right, honey. If this is what you want, who am I to ask you to change your mind?” He tried to smile, but couldn’t.

  She moved towards him and lay her head against his chest. As he rubbed the top of her spine, fingers sifting through her hair, he heard her whisper, “Thank you.”

  He helped her lock up the house. While she called the Realtor, he took her over to her parents. Forced to stay for dinner, he had no appetite and tried not to look at the beautiful woman sitting across the table, who might as well have been on the other side of the world. A week ago, he never would have dreamed he’d be sitting here, actually strategizing her move, offering to help her get all the people she’d ne
ed to make that move. His Team buds would help, of course. It would be painless for her, because he’d make sure it was that way. He’d make sure all she had to do was wait out the last weeks of her pregnancy.

  Mrs. Moore was actually cordial to him. She hung back at the dinner table to talk with him in private.

  “You’ve surprised me, T.J.”

  “Yeah, well I surprise myself sometimes,” he said as he took the cup of coffee she offered. Shannon and her dad were looking through catalogs in the living room. He could feel her eyes on him.

  “I can’t imagine any of this is easy for you.”

  He told himself not to trust her. The sound of compassion in her voice came dangerously close to pity.

  “Not up to me.”

  “Well, you’re being a prince, T.J. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye. This is what’s best for Shannon. You’ll see. She needs to raise her child here, where her home is.”

  T.J. raised his eyebrows. “Used to be she thought of that house in San Diego as home.”

  “Things have changed,” she said, and she was right.

  “They certainly have.” He’d be going home, alone.

  But then, he was used to that.

  Two days later, back in San Diego, T.J. agreed to meet Gretchen at a local ice cream shop. Kate and Tyler were babysitting the girls, who were hoping their Mom had found another guy. Always on the lookout for a new daddy, they weren’t very subtle about it.

  T.J. knew there was only one woman for him, though. And he also knew Gretchen understood that. Kate’s sister was easy to be around, warm of spirit and gentle on the eyes. A man could do far worse, but he knew that wasn’t what he was interested in. He was marking time until his life could start in earnest, giving Shannon all the room she needed, keeping a tiny flame of hope that she’d come back to him.

  God, it had only been one day but already the waiting was hard. He’d hoped a little fun with Gretchen would distract him. She was easy to be around, and he found he liked making her happy.

  On the way home, she asked him to stop. “Can we have a little talk?”

  He pulled to a gravel shoulder on the road that wound through the foothills, angled the car toward the bay and turned it off.

  “Shoot.”

  She adjusted herself to face him, bending the knee closest to him, but she stayed on her side of the front seat of his truck. “I meant what I said a couple of nights ago. I’m a good listener, a good friend. I’m not looking for anything long term.”

  “Gretchen—”

  “Hear me out, T.J. What’s wrong with a little recreational sex and some cuddling? You might find you like it. We might find a way to heal ourselves somehow.”

  “I don’t think I can be fixed, Gretchen.” He didn’t want to look at her because he didn’t feel worthy of even her friendship. He couldn’t believe he was not interested in the “recreational sex” part. How much he had changed. Now the idea of using Gretchen to heal his loneliness or take the edge off his sexual desires made him sick.

  He couldn’t pretend with her. It wasn’t right.

  “T.J. look at me,” she whispered.

  He did. She was pretty, and she was totally willing. He could have kissed her, done far more, and she would have let him.

  “Am I so bad to look at, such poor company?” Her smile was sweet, her eyes innocent and he couldn’t go there.

  She was on him in a flash, her fingers clutching the back of his neck, pulling him into her, her lips ravenous over his. She was going to move onto his lap, but he stopped her, holding her by the upper arms, stiffly.

  “I can’t, Gretchen. I just can’t.”

  Her nervous laughter wounded him. “And here I thought you were the bad boy. Kate told me all about you, although she was careful to edit.”

  He smiled at hearing about his reputation.

  “Yeah, well don’t believe everything you hear. There are some things I’m not especially proud of.”

  “What about Shannon?” she asked.

  “That chapter hasn’t been written.”

  She watched him squirm. “You two dated a little, Tyler says.”

  “You could call it that.”

  Gretchen leaned forward, turned his face toward her. T.J. was wary, but he felt she wasn’t interested in coming on to him. “Holy cow, you’re sweet on her, aren’t you?”

  He tried to smile, but it was awkward. Involuntarily he looked away as his eyes filled with water.

  “Oh. My. God. T.J. You’ve been hiding this. From everyone.”

  “No one to tell.” He was glad Tyler hadn’t broken his confidence.

  “Does she know?”

  There was that question. At least it was one he could answer. “Oh, yes, she surely does know.”

  “When does she come home?” Gretchen asked.

  “Home? She hasn’t told me. But I guess in the next couple of days. She’s probably going to move away.”

  “Are you going to try to change her mind?”

  He considered that statement. Was he going to try? Hadn’t he tried already with zero results? “I don’t think I can, Gretchen. Not sure that’s possible.”

  “She’s nuts. She’d be crazy not to want to come home to you. You’ve got to go for broke, T.J. You’ve got to make a stand. Don’t let her get away.”

  “Gretchen, I love your optimism. But haven’t you heard that saying, ‘You can lead a horse to water…’”

  “Is that how you got through BUD/S training? Is that how you do it when you go overseas?”

  He had to admit she was right. That wasn’t how he did it. They all had a plan. They had missions to accomplish. They didn’t sit there and let insurgents and enemies come after them, they took the fight to them. They openly protected the people they were sent to watch over.

  “You didn’t ring that bell, T.J. Why are you going to ring it now?”

  Holy fuck, she was completely right. He’d given up. He shook his head. What a dumb ass he’d been. Slinking around, feeling sorry for himself.

  “Gretchen? I think I love you.”

  She giggled, and it made his heart sing.

  “God I wish you could have said that earlier. I might have kept my big mouth shut.”

  He hugged her, kissing the side of her face. “I think you’re the first woman I’ve told that to who hasn’t had sex with me first.”

  “Then I take that as a compliment, T.J. And if Shannon is nuts enough not to fall into your arms, well, I’m not ashamed to say I wouldn’t mind being a welcome distraction. I think I could do make-up sex pretty good, although I’ve never tried.”

  “I’ll bet you could,” he said.

  He realized now what he had to do. He had to fight for Shannon. With everything in his being, he had to fight to keep her. Because it was a matter of life or death.

  Chapter 14

  Shannon flew back to San Diego, and the heaviness in her chest increasing the closer they got to landing. Joe met her at the airport, asking about her stay with her folks and how they were. She knew it was just small talk, because Joe had called several times while she was gone to inquire about her. She knew her mother had told them Shannon was considering a move back home.

  Joe helped her with her bag, bringing it up the shallow steps to the front porch. One of the reasons she liked this house was the way the little concrete steps had been colored red. The concrete had been stained before it was poured, forever committed to that rosy hue. The heavy oak door had a small window in the center of it, covered by Spanish wrought iron detail. She’d loved this door and the way it protected her home inside.

  She was surprised it still felt like her home. Or their home. Hers and Frankie’s. And the home where T.J. had told her he loved her, the safe place where she’d learned that she could go on.

  Joe quietly stayed behind her, allowing her entry, and without stepping inside himself, set her bag down on the wood floor and said his goodbyes, promising to look in on her tomorrow.

  “You’v
e gotten much bigger this week. Are you comfortable?” he asked.

  “Not quite uncomfortable yet, still able to sleep, thank God. But soon. It will get dicey soon.” She decided not to bring up her move.

  She listened to the creaking of the floorboards, took in the way the house smelled. A large bouquet of red roses was on the dining table. Her fingers were trembling as she plucked the little card from its holder and read T.J.’s inscription.

  Missed you more than I thought possible.

  I know we have to talk. But just know that I love you.

  She rubbed her forefinger over the words he’d carefully inscribed. This was going to be more difficult than she thought.

  The doors to the master bedroom and the baby’s room were closed. She smelled cleaning agents and realized someone had gone all-out to prepare for her return to this house, prepared it as though she was going to stay. The windows had been washed. Area rugs had been cleaned, and larger ones freshly vacuumed.

  Opening the door to her bedroom, she looked outside at the play house T.J. and Joe had put together only two weeks ago. Someone had planted flowers all around the little house, as if she were staying. And she could just see a tiny table with a miniature tea set inside.

  A small wading pool with pink mermaids on it and fresh, clean water filling it, with a child’s seahorse life preserver bobbing up and down in the shallow water. Ready for Courtney…in about a year. There was a two-bucket swing set installed at the side of the yard. An old-fashioned bench swing with green canvas canopy sat under her maple tree, with a couple of new flowered pillows on top. Everywhere she looked, a bit of magic had been added, painted, or enhanced by colorful plantings.

  She went back inside and felt like she was coming back to a lovely familiar dream. If a house could love the people who lived in it, this one did. Just as Frankie had. Just as T.J.—she had to stop thinking about him, or it would be more difficult to continue with what she’d decided to do.

  Pulling her rolling suitcase down the hallway, she unpacked, put the clothes in the washing machine, and turned it on. She took a long shower, washing her hair, getting all the dirt and grime of airports and travel off of her skin.