by Avril Ashton
Hands shoved into his pockets, Van put his back against the glass of the sliding doors and stared out over Coney Island. Then he spoke.
“By the time I met you in that grocery store checkout line, I’d already been on half a dozen undercover jobs. I was good at it,” he stressed with no ego attached. Just fact. “I did whatever needed to be done to get the bad guy. I did the drugs. Fucked the women. And the men. Lied.” He shook his head. “All for the greater good. So when time came to get close to you? Business as usual.”
He didn’t look down at Levi, so he didn’t know if his husband was looking at him or not. Listening to him or not. But Van didn’t stop talking.
“Six months, tops. That’s how long I was supposed to be involved with you. I knew inside of a month, that the mission was fucked, and more importantly, I was fucked.” He took a deep breath then let it out slowly. “If I’d been given the chance to talk to you the night you found out, I would have told you. I quit working for Dutch after two months with you.” His father nearly had a heart attack at that. Dutch hadn’t said much, which should have been Van’s first clue that the fucker would retaliate the way he had. “I dismantled all the video and audio equipment myself one day when you took Izek to the park, but unbeknownst to me Dutch had them put back. I cut ties to him and my father. I was done.” He swallowed. “I was with you.”
But he hadn’t cut ties with Mel.
“Everything I told you about my childhood, my parents, that was the truth. Even though he fathered me, Mark Dulles had been no parent.”
“I still should have known about him,” Levi said.
Van turned to him, found Levi watching him intently. “Yes.” He nodded. “But then that would lead to questions I’d hoped I never had to answer from you.” He couldn’t have that. “I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t.”
Levi’s lips pursed. But he didn’t speak again.
“I was the man I wanted to be with you. Someone who did the right thing. Who loved his family, took care of his family.” Emotion choked off his words and he implored Levi, “Please don’t doubt this. What I felt for you and Izek. What I still feel.” He touched a fist to his chest. “You kept me whole. Don’t doubt that.”
He watched Levi’s throat work as he swallowed.
“I didn’t lie about my name,” Van whispered. “I didn’t even think to be someone else with you. I gave you me, everything that was me, and for some fucking reason you loved him. You loved me.”
“Donovan.” Levi touched him, a hand on Van’s arm. Just that, but it was enough. In that moment it was enough.
“I loved that life.” He chuckled. “I loved that life where we defined who we were and decided what worked for us. What made us happy.” Their unconventional relationship with Gia. The way they raised Izek knowing he had three parents who loved him and loved each other. And their sex. With Gia. With each other. And with the strangers they chose.
“We were…amazing,” Levi admitted softly.
“We were.” So amazing. “Which was the reason I turned Dutch and my father down when they approached me out of the blue, wanting me to go undercover.”
Levi jumped to his feet. “What?”
“Yeah. I said no. Kept saying no, I couldn’t leave my family. They threatened to tell you about me.”
Understanding dawned as Levi gazed at Van “That’s why he was at the house.”
“I was determined to tell you before he could, but he showed up right before you came home from work.” Back then Levi did his accounting out of an office, away from home. But Van knew that nowadays he did it from his home in Seattle.
“He blackmailed you. He threatened you.” Levi balled his fists. “He did all this, and you still work for him. You’re still fucking loyal to him.”
“I’m not loyal to Dutch.”
One of Levi’s eyebrows shot up. “No?”
“I’m loyal to the work. I like the undercover work,” he confessed. “Because I get to be somebody else. Somebody who isn’t Donovan Cintron, who didn’t fuck shit up and lose you. Undercover I don’t have the guilt that Donovan carries. I don’t have the demons. I don’t have the pain that comes when I wake in the middle of the night and reach for you, only to come up empty-handed.”
“Don’t.” Levi held a hand up, but Van caught it.
“Don’t what? Don’t what, Levi?” When Levi didn’t speak despite the tightening of his jaw, Van asked, “I’m not supposed to tell you I’m hurting as much as you are? I’m not supposed to be torn up? I don’t have a right to say I lost me when I lost you?”
He didn’t let go of Levi’s wrist. Instead Van tightened the hold as he stared defiantly into Levi’s eyes, hoping his husband understood, hoping that Levi saw how Van felt. Because he stood there with his vein open, vulnerable with this man once again.
“Am I not supposed to tell you I still love you? That I pop the pills, and I pour the liquor to make it a bit easier to meet my own eyes in the mirror? Can I tell you it doesn’t work?” he whispered, voice shaky. “Can I tell you I’ve been hurting from the loss of you? That I’ve been needing, wanting, missing you?”
Levi looked as though he’d been struck with a two-by-four. His eyes were red-rimmed, but when he didn’t speak Van released him, stepping back. He didn’t know what else to do, or say, to make Levi understand that their relationship hadn’t been a lie. How did he make Levi see that they could do it again, they could have it all again if they wanted?
Van just needed forgiveness. He wanted absolution.
“You’re my life,” Van told him calmly, despite the rolling in his gut and the itch to put his hands back on Levi.
Levi flinched backward as if Van had punched him, eyes wide and filled with something like hunger. Like hope. Then he blinked and it was gone.
“Levi.” Van reached for him.
But his husband wrenched away from him and retreated, taking whatever calm they’d just established with him. “Tell me about the threat. Tell me why someone put my name on a fucking list.”
The change in topics gave Van whiplash. Once again Levi’s rejection whipped the ground out from under him, and he was drowning. But he swallowed anyway, despair sour at the back of his throat. He pushed his needs aside and gave Levi what he wanted.
“Dutch had a breach. Someone—my father—stole the information and made a list of everyone Dutch has worked with.” Van cocked his head. “I’m sure Sullivan told you all that when he came to see you. When he brought you here.”
“Your father.” Levi snorted. “I thought he and Dutch were partners? And your name’s on that list, isn’t it? Why would he expose his own son?”
“No one knows why the old man does what he does. I’m not even gonna try to figure his shit out, but yeah, my name’s on there.” He sighed. “I made a bargain with him, though. He destroys the list and I spend time with him.” He grimaced. “You know, father-son shit. But in the meantime, every name on that list is on notice because we don’t know how long it’s been circulating, he won’t tell us. We don’t know exactly who’s seen it, who knows what. That’s why Sullivan brought you here. A just in case.”
“How long will it take to appease your father?” Levi swung around to face him. “I have a life I need to get back to. As does my son.”
“Our son.” Van would remind him however long it took for Levi to acknowledge that. “Why don’t you tell me why you’re on that list, huh?”
He’d studied Levi Nieto long before Van had made contact with him in the checkout line at the supermarket all those years ago. He’d known his favorite food and drink, how he liked his sex, and that the way to his heart was the little boy he’d conceived with his best friend. Van knew all that, and Levi’s tells.
So when Levi crossed his arms, throat working as a tiny pulse jumped at his temple, Van knew. It wasn’t good.
“What did you do for Dutch?”
Anger flashed in the depth of Levi’s eyes. “Why don’t you go first, Donovan? Tell me everything yo
u’ve done at Dutch’s command.” His lips curled in obvious disgust. “Show me yours, and I’ll let you peek at mine.”
They stared each other down.
“It’s been seven years,” Levi said into the chasm of silence that stretched between them. “He hasn’t needed you to fuck someone else in all that time?”
His mind flashed to Wyatt and what he’d had to do.
“Yeah.” Levi barked a harsh laugh. “Some kinda job, right? Fucking and lying on command.” He jerked his chin in Van’s direction. “Can’t say you weren’t good at it, though. The lying. And the fucking.”
Fuck. Van approached him slowly. “You were different. We were different. You have to know that.”
“Why? I can’t have been the only man you’ve met who took one look at you and knew what you needed and how to give it to you.”
But he was. Fuck, until that moment Van hadn’t known he’d needed it. “You were.” His hunger for the man before him rose again, hot and blistering, roughening his voice to a growl. “You gave me something that I—” He shook his head. “I can still taste you on my tongue. I can still feel you inside me, that tender roughness you seem to master. You changed me when I wasn’t fucking ready. Then you left, and I’ve been searching for seven Goddamn years for someone to make me feel what you made me feel.”
The look in Levi’s eyes as Van spoke that last sentence. The intensity put him in a chokehold, and he lifted a hand to touch his throat.
“You been fucking strangers.”
That wasn’t a question. “I tried to be careful—” He stopped himself with a self-deprecating laugh. “No, I didn’t try very hard. I wanted to forget, I wanted to wipe you away, and I wanted to die. So under the pills and the liquor, I fucked anyone. Protection wasn’t priority.”
Levi stood there, all pale and haunted. “Last night…” He licked his lips. “Earlier.”
“I’m clean, I go through a battery of tests every time I surface after an undercover stint.” Van pursed his lips. “But you didn’t know that, and the sensation of your skin on mine after all these years shouldn’t be an excuse.”
Levi snorted.
“I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to hurt you, I’ve done enough. I want to make it right. I want to put us back together. I want a second chance.”
Even though a muscle ticked in Levi’s jaw, he kept stubbornly silent, gaze heavy on Van’s face.
“I know you’ve got a fetish for the way I beg.” Van took a breath then blew it out. He knew what he had to say next, but Jesus, the coward in him couldn’t bear to voice it. There’d be no taking it back, and what if Levi listened to him, huh? What if he decided to finally fucking listen? “Love me again.”
Levi jerked. The arms he’d crossed dropped down to grab on to the edge of the balcony.
“Love me again. Or set me free.” Van was aware Levi wasn’t talking. That he was the one with all the words at that moment, but he had to do this. The hollowed ache in his chest just kept on growing bigger and bigger, and he needed relief. “Time and distance hasn’t worn away the only label that has ever fit on me. Yours. You’ve been gone, but I’ve been here waiting for you, because I’m yours.”
Levi covered his eyes with one shaking hand.
Van wished he could do the same. “Tell me there’s a chance I can have you again. Or—” When his voice broke, he glanced away then back to find Levi had uncovered his face and was staring at him with red-rimmed eyes, wide and wary. “Or set me free.” Now he could barely form the words. “You have me wrapped up in these invisible chains that I never wanted to escape, but we can’t go on like this. Me suspended, waiting, and you hurting yourself as you hurt me. Love me again…” At this point he was simply mouthing the words, his throat hurt that badly. “Or set me free.”
“I can’t.” Levi’s throat worked as he stared at Van with those wide, glistening eyes. “I—can’t.”
“Can’t what?” Hope and fear bubbled, mingling inside him. The torture on Levi’s face didn’t stop Van from grabbing his husband’s hand. “What can’t you do, free me?”
Levi’s gaze flickered.
“Love me?” Levi turned away, and Van begged. “Don’t. Please, don’t.” He thought he wanted an answer, but he couldn’t handle it. Not the way his insides felt like he was being pulled apart. Torn in two. His phone rang at the moment, Dutch’s ringtone. Fuck. He yanked the device form his pocket and answered without taking his gaze off Levi. “What?”
“We need to talk,” Dutch said.
“Do it, then.” Van tracked Levi as he got a bottle of orange juice from the fridge and took it to the head.
“Yeah, no.” Dutch snorted. “I’m headed your way. Give me half an hour.”
“You’re in New York?” Van frowned. “Are you checking up on me?” He wouldn’t put it past Dutch. That fucker loved no better fun than to be all up under Van’s ass.
“Get over yourself. We need to talk about things, and I’m not doing over the phone. See you in thirty.” Dutch hung up, and Van shook his head.
He hated that fucker. There wasn’t a day that passed that Van didn’t regret working for Dutch and his father. Shoving the phone back his pocket, he turned his attention to Levi, whose back was to him.
“Who was that?” Levi asked without facing Van.
“We’re about to have a visitor.”
Levi glanced over his shoulder. “Who?”
“Dutch is on his way.” He watched as all color leached from Levi’s face. “What?”
Levi’s jaw flexed. “I don’t want to be anywhere near Dutch. You meet with him.” He started to walk past Van who grabbed him by the shoulder, stopping him from stepping back inside the condo.
“Tell me why you don’t want to be in the same room with Dutch,” Van said softly. “Matter of fact, tell me why you get that scared look in your eyes when I say his name.”
“I’m not scared.” Levi tried to free himself, but Van refused to ease his grip.
“Yeah? Could’ve fooled me, the way you’re as pale as a fucking ghost.” He yanked Levi closer until they were touching, Levi’s shoulder pressed to Van’s shoulder. “Tell me what he did to you.”
Levi scoffed. “What, like you don’t know? He didn’t give you the rundown when he sent you here?”
What the fuck was he talking about? “Dutch didn’t send me here.”
“No?” Levi lifted a brow. “Then how come you’re here when you haven’t popped up in the past seven years?”
He could answer that, but Van realized Levi was distracting him. He didn’t want to answer the question. “Tell me what Dutch did, and I promise—I fucking promise—I’ll make him pay.”
The corners of Levi’s mouth curved, but the smirk was mocking. “Yeah, I bet. I think you and him, you guys are the same fucking monster.”
The words hurt. Fuck, they cut deep, but Van ignored it, holding Levi’s gaze, refusing to look away or release him until he told Van what he needed to know.
“He threatened to take Izek from me if I didn’t do what he wanted.”
Van counted to ten, grinding his teeth together as he fought the red-hot fury trying to take over his vision. “What did—” He cleared his throat. “What did he want, Levi?”
Levi’s lashes dropped then lifted slowly. His expression was stoic, but his eyes held the anger and shame. “He wanted me in Juan Pablo Castillo’s bed.”
“What?” Not what he’d expected to hear, and Van felt that blow in his chest. A direct hit. He staggered backward, dropping his hold on Levi. “What?”
“He’s good at that whole pimping thing, isn’t he?” Levi said softly. “Must be a gift.” And he walked away, as Van stared after him, mouth agape.
* * * *
Levi wasn’t afraid of Dutch. He’d never been scared of Dutch, but he’d acknowledged the power Dutch wielded could create problems for him. So he’d gone along with that blackmail. In the end it all worked out in his favor where Pablo Castillo was concerned.
<
br /> But sharing it with Van? Harder than he’d expected. The shock in the other man’s eyes told him Van had no clue what his boss had done to Levi. Donovan put his trust and his relationship with Levi on the line for Dutch. And for what?
What did he get in return?
It had been years since the last time he’d seen or spoken to Dutch, and Levi wanted it to remain that way. Except it wouldn’t, not for much longer. He was holed up in the bedroom after taking a shower. Maybe being a bit of a coward, too. He’d dropped his bomb and walked away, not staying to see more than the absolute shock on Donovan’s face. But Levi didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to go in depth about it. It had worked out. His arrangement with Pablo had made it possible for him to get out from under Dutch’s thumb. Getting on his back gave him a way out.
Something he’d never thought he’d have to do.
Shit happens, right? One wrong decision, liked falling for a con man, and his life got blown to shreds. One wrong decision and he was fucking a man to buy his freedom from under Dutch’s control.
One wrong decision and he was right back here, dealing with the familiar shame and anger at his stupidity.
He didn’t know why Dutch was coming to the condo, probably to give an update on whatever the hell this shit was about. But the sooner they got this thing done, the sooner Levi could go back to mentally denying that at some point he was doing basically what Donovan had done their entire relationship.
Fuck at Dutch’s command.
The pounding on the door downstairs made him jerk and he jumped to his feet with a sigh. Might as well get this shit over with. Voices reached him as he walked out the bedroom.
Then a loud thump.
He stopped, frowning.
A gun went off, jolting him into a dash down the stairs.
“Nothing to say, Hunter?”
Levi came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. Dutch was on the floor, his back against the closed door, clutching his middle and Van was atop him, straddling him, a knife to his throat as Dutch panted.
