by Stahl, Shey
I’d been into baking this week and had made four dozen oatmeal raisin cookies as well as a pot roast today alone.
I received a Kitchen Aide as a wedding present and I was making use of it. It was as though, by baking, I was trying to keep my mind off the fact that my dad only had days left and my husband was across the United States from me.
“Okay,” I threw my arms up in the air. “I can’t handle either one of you right now. Stop this.”
They both stared at me like I’d lost my mind and I was fairly certain at this point I had with the lack of sleep I was getting and my new obsession with baking.
I had a hunch when Charlie came over here this morning that he came for a reason.
Again, I was in avoidance.
It was Sunday afternoon and the race was in the pre-race ceremonies when Jameson came on the television. Axel, though he couldn’t see very well, turned his head in the direction of the TV when he heard his daddy’s voice. His brow furrowed in concentration.
I listened carefully as he talked about the off-season and his expectations for this coming season.
“I spent most of my time with my family. I’ve been testing in Phoenix, Loudon, and Atlanta but other than that...it was just enjoying my wife and son.”
The announcer laughed at his wide grin, as did all of us.
“So you got married and had a kid all in the three month off-season, busy weren’t you?”
“Yeah...I was.” He waggled his eyebrows at the end of his lewd statement and I wanted to punch him.
Emma and Charlie laughed.
I hardly thought that was appropriate but giggled anyway.
“Do you have a chance at winning here today? Win the championship and come back and win the Daytona 500? How cool would that be?”
Jameson threw his head back and laughed.
“Yeah...it’d be pretty cool. We weren’t that great in qualifying and our last practice run we changed the set-up quite a bit so we’ll see...you never know. Daytona is tricky. You can be leading one minute and the next you’re running forty-third. It’s the luck of the draw and how well you partner up with other drivers in the draft.”
“What do you think of these rookies this year having been in their shoes last year?” Neil asked Jameson.
I could tell by that point that Jameson was done with the interview but he continued to give his attention to the reporter while simultaneously signing autographs for the swarm of fans surrounding him.
“Well, I’ve only met a few. I met Colin Shuman this morning and I can’t say I was impressed but...” Jameson shrugged. “I know when I started...it was all about finding your groove and proving yourself and I suppose that’s what they’re all workin’ toward this race.”
Jameson made it clear in a roundabout way that the interview was done by turning away from Neil.
Before Neil walked away, Jameson did send us a quick hello.
“I just gotta say hello to my beautiful wife and son at home. I love you honey and I’ll see you guys tonight.”
I cried and reached for the cookies in front of me.
Most of the afternoon went this way with Charlie talking randomly about death in between his catnaps and leaving Emma and me in tears.
I wasn’t sure how much more either one of us could take without snatching his weed from him just to relax. Believe me, if it wasn’t for breastfeeding, I would have taken it when he first walked in the door this morning.
Charlie woke up soon after the race was under way and watched with us for a little while before he fell asleep again.
In my gut, I knew this was the end and that made the day even worse.
After watching a few reality TV shows with us, Andrea picked him up to take him home and I made sure I gave him an extra-long hug goodbye, as did Emma.
“I love you dad.”
He smiled, a real smile, one I hadn’t seen since he saw Axel for the first time.
“You’ve made my life what it is kid.” He told me and kissed my cheek before he left. “I love you.”
Closing the door behind him, I was met with Emma and a mouth full of cookies.
“How fucking sad can one afternoon be?” she wailed cramming another one in, then started choking on them as crumbs flew from her mouth.
“Stop putting them in your mouth while crying.” I replied smacking her back. “You’d think you would have learned that as a child.”
Axel was still in his bassinet in the family room so Emma, currently choking, and me, crying, walked back in there and flopped down on the leather chair.
“I know that was his goodbye...I just know it.” I mumbled reaching for the remote next to me.
“I know, right. I feel the same way.” Emma agreed reaching for Axel, still coughing.
“Why don’t you wait until you’ve stopped coughing,” I suggested handing her a glass of water, taking Axel from her.
“Good idea.”
Axel whimpered as he usually did, snuggling into my arms.
He’d be turning two-months old next week and every day he reminded me a little more of Jameson.
He hadn’t lost any of his rusty loops of hair. Instead, it was thicker and hardly tamable. His eyes were lighter as green hues began to peak through. The best part was that he was gaining weight.
The first month we had a hard time getting him to gain any weight but now he was packing on the pounds, and I was losing them from breastfeeding, which I loved.
I should clarify. I loved losing the weight. I hated breastfeeding.
Who in their right mind would want a child using their nipples as a feeding device was beyond me.
I get that it’s supposed to make you feel closer to your child and is incredibly healthy for the baby but I really don’t enjoy it, at all.
Let me explain the bad sides I discovered. When I first started, it was excruciatingly painful. It was as though he felt he needed to bite down on my nipples to get any milk out. I tried to assure him this wouldn’t help matters and all he needed to do was suck but I was almost positive he had no clue what the fuck I was talking about.
Then, after they get the hang of sucking for their food, your nipples begin to crack and bleed. Not enjoyable...at all. I wasn’t sure what he got more of, blood or food.
“Do you have any milk?” Emma asked heading for the kitchen for more cookies.
“Yeah...look in the side door.” I smiled. “Make sure you grab the one in the carton, not in the bags.”
Axel whimpered letting me know he was ready for his dinner.
I will say that breastfeeding was getting easier but I still wished he was a year old so I could stop.
Later that night, Emma and I cuddled in bed with Axel watching a Friends marathon when my phone rang. I figured it was Jameson letting me know he’d be home soon but I was surprised, and sad, to see it was Andrea.
My heart was immediately pounding in my chest uncontrollably when she asked. “Sway?”
I handed Axel to Emma knowing I couldn’t hold him right now. “Yeah it’s me, what’s up?”
She paused and right then I knew what it was. “Andrea...please don’t...”
“I’m sorry Sway. I’m...I...” she hesitated as her tears broke through. “I’m sorry sweetie.”
I stared at my feet, frozen with shock, my mind resisting her words.
Without collecting my thoughts, or gathering my composure, I called Jameson, while simultaneously throwing up.
I felt the rush of adrenaline course through my body, waiting for him to answer. The burning started in the pit of my stomach, bubbling to the point where it felt as though it was acid, destroying me, and crippling me where I stood. My arms and legs were tingling, trembling with a nervous energy and pain.
I tried to speak when he finally answered but all I managed to say was his name as Emma held me.
Blister – Jameson
“Jameson...please...”
“Sway?”
All I could hear on the other end was crying,
hysterical crying. Instantly I was thinking something was wrong with Axel or maybe she was hurt somehow. “Sway? What’s going on?”
Still nothing, just crying and Emma’s soothing tone comforting her.
“Jameson?” Emma took the phone.
“Emma,” I sighed in relief that someone was there with her. “What’s going on? Is something wrong with Axel?”
Emma let out a strangled sob. “It’s Charlie.”
Oh god!
Dad was still standing beside me, though he was now on the phone with Wes lining up flights for us.
“All right, we’ll meet you there. Thanks Wes.” He hung up and motioned for me to follow him.
“Emma is Charlie...?” my voice failed me. I couldn’t bring myself to speak over the lump lodged in my throat. “Did he...?”
“Yes.” She managed to squeak out and continued crying. “He’s...”
She didn’t need to say it, I knew.
Before I left three weeks ago, he was fading fast. I knew it was only a matter of weeks but I wanted to be there for Sway when it happened.
I finally had to hang up with Emma. Her and Sway weren’t making any sense.
I called Andrea to make certain she was all right.
“Jameson?” Andrea answered meekly on the first ring. “Are you okay?”
Am I okay? Seriously? How could she be worried about me right now?
“Andrea, Emma just called.”
“I know...I called Sway.” She told me in a hushed voice. “It’s Charlie. He’s gone—I’m sorry.”
I felt as though my heart broke into a million pieces and someone punched me at the same time.
Oh god how I wanted to be with my wife right now.
Dad sensed what had happened and started frantically rubbing my back assuring me we’d be their shortly as I leaned against the side of the hauler for support. I couldn’t walk.
“Are you okay Andrea?”
“I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.” her voice cracked. “The boys are at the neighbors and Nancy just got here. Van is bringing Emma and Sway over.”
“Okay...I will be there in a few hours.”
It took four hours to reach Elma and one speeding ticket later, but we made it. Tears couldn’t be helped when I saw the complete look of devastation on my wife’s face.
How much more would this woman have to endure in her life?
I shook my head in disgust that, once again, I wouldn’t be able to protect her from this. I had no control of what happened to Charlie or her mother. All I could do was be there for her. Be the husband and father to our child that she needed.
When I walked into the living room of her childhood home, I couldn’t believe how many people had already gathered there. Tommy was there; Mallory and Bryce had shown up, and even Justin and Ami were already there. Our support system was gathering.
I searched the room and saw Sway in the corner, sitting in Charlie’s chair, holding Axel. Her eyes were swollen, her face flushed and her shirt was soaked from her tears.
I ran to her instantly.
“Sway...” I breathed clutching her tightly.
Nancy took Axel from her as Sway wrapped her arms around my neck.
I needed to get her home, away from everyone. It was evident by her appearance she needed to be alone right now and not in a room full of people.
Nancy reached for her as well.
“I’ve got her mom. Emma, get my keys.” I was careful as I could be, gently picking her up. I was clutching her so tight I was afraid she couldn’t breathe but she only held me tighter, clinging to my chest. I was trembling, struggling to gain some sort of self-control for Sway’s sake. She needed her strong husband, not the emotional wreck I’d been on the flight home.
“Make it stop.” She pleaded. “Please...make the pain stop.”
I wanted to make it stop for her. I’d give anything to take the pain away.
Alley pointed at her watch. “Jameson...what are we going to do? You have an appearance tomorrow in Charlotte.”
“Cancel it.” I growled. I couldn’t believe she would think I would do it after this.
“It’s not that easy, Jameson. It’s for your sponsorship with Simplex on the sprint car team. You requested this one.”
I spun on my heel to face her.
“Cancel the goddamn thing Alley!” I pulled Sway closer. “I can’t even believe you’d think I would leave right now.”
It wasn’t right for me to yell at Alley but my wife needed me. For once, I’d be there for her.
Sway needed me and I wasn’t going to deny her, not now, not ever. I wouldn’t care if my career ended right now. None of that mattered.
What mattered was laying in my arms begging me to take the pain away.
“Dad,” I tried to keep my voice even and controlled. “Can you please call Simplex for me and explain...I can’t leave her. See if Justin can fill in for Rockingham this weekend.” I requested taking a deep breath to calm myself and looked at my mom holding Axel tightly against her. “Mom, can you guys take Axel tonight?”
We hadn’t left him with anyone yet and though the idea scared me, Sway needed me tonight and didn’t need to worry about having to take care of him.
I carried Sway to the car and drove her back to our house on Summit Lake, never taking my hands off her. I wasn’t letting her go.
She tried her hardest to control herself the entire way but at some point, I realized it was a doomed effort for her.
When I pulled into our garage, Van was there, pacing back and forth.
“Is she okay?” he asked in a concerned voice, his eyes examining her. “Can I get you anything?”
I only nodded as he helped me get her inside.
“If you need anything...just let me know.” He offered.
“Thanks Van. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for us.”
I quickly scooped Sway up and took her straight to our room. As we reached the bed, I pulled her into my arms and silently rocked her.
This seemed to have brought on a new round of weeping and all I could do was hold her. It was all I wanted to do. Letting her take all of her emotions out on me and hoping my being there was at least some comfort to her while she was in pain. She cried loudly and I was glad we were alone.
Sway’s tears were relentless, and she cried much longer than I would have suspected but then again, I was surprised it wasn’t longer.
Christ, she’d just lost her father. Who wouldn’t be crying?
All throughout his sickness, when she finally found out, Sway remained positive. I knew this was the front, her denial, but that was Sway—always had been. When she was hurting, she smiled, never letting you know it was killing her inside.
As I held her that night, sometimes she would quiet slightly, only to pick up with more force in what could only be described as hysteria. I was at a loss, trying to comfort her with quiet murmurs and loving strokes. Mostly I just held her, as that seemed to be the best option at this point.
Every tear that slid down her cheek was like a knife with serrated edges stabbing me in the heart. It was more than I could stand to see her in this type of pain.
When she finally fell asleep, her tears didn’t stop. She tossed and turned, murmuring his name repeatedly in an agonized voice. The sorrow was killing her, and in turn, it was killing me.
I watched her all night. My own pain, I could handle. Hers, I could not. This was almost unbearable.
The sun finally rose, and a new day seemed to finally dry the tears.
She had quit crying by the time she awoke, though I knew it would be temporary. When the disorientation from sleep wore off, she would remember what had happened and the sorrow would come again.
“Hey,” she croaked and then cleared her throat. “Where’s Axel?”
I stared at her intently. She seemed better, but I couldn’t be sure.
“With my mom. Are you...all right?”
“I’m fine,” she insisted as though she w
as trying to convince herself.
I grabbed her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. Her eyes were swollen and red. I gently ran the tip of my thumb over her lips.
She looked at me intently, tears filling her eyes again.
“I’m so sorry honey.” I soothed rubbing her back and rocking her back and forth on our bed.
“I just...can’t believe he’s really gone.” She murmured into my chest and then burst into tears again. “I don’t want it to be real.”
“I wish it wasn’t real.” I told her and pulled her closer. “I really do.”
It was real though and we had to deal with it.
6. Blown Motor – Sway
Blown Motor – This would be a major engine failure. An example would be when a connecting rod goes through the engine block. Blown motors usually produce a lot of smoke and steam.
“Thanks for everything you guys have done.” I wailed against Nancy’s shoulder. Her and Jimi both hugged me tighter. “I’ve always felt like you two were my second set of parents.”
Jimi, Nancy and Emma had taken care of everything for us with the funeral because really, I could hardly function let alone plan a funeral.
If it wasn’t for Jameson and Axel, I’d probably still be curled up on the floor by the phone.
Have you ever heard that saying, “Everything happens for a reason?”
What a crock of bullshit that is.
Shitty things happen to good people all the time. Case-in-point, Charlie, my mom, Van...and good things happen to shitty people. Case-in-point there...Darrin.
How was I supposed to feel about this? Was I acting the way I should? If not, how was I supposed to react?
The man I looked up to my entire life and raised me on his own and he was dead. As in gone...forever...never coming back. I would never see him at the track again. I would never walk downstairs from my room to see him engrossed in the Sunday paper and eating Coco Puffs or a maple bar donut with chocolate milk.
I glanced out the small window next to me and watched everyone that passed on the street below, going about their daily lives.
Do you ever wonder what they’re thinking? How their lives are going?
