by Jade Winters
‘Are you still with me?’ Simone asked.
‘What? Yes, sorry I was thinking.’
‘About?’
Heidi wasn’t about to lie to Simone again. Not after last time. ‘Vanessa.’
‘I thought so.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You really like her, don’t you?’
Heidi nodded.
‘So, what are you going to do?’
‘I don’t have a choice do I?’
‘You know there’ll be no coming back from this once it’s been made public.’
‘I know, but the truth needs to be told,’ Heidi said. ‘If we don’t expose them now, how many other lives are they going to destroy?’
I’m never going to see her again.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Kelli stumbled to the bathroom, nauseous and weary; her head pounded and the world around her spun. Her first instinct had been to throw up on the floor beside her bed, but somehow, she had managed to get to the toilet under her own steam, a feat that had been a miracle in itself. Once there, she yanked the toilet seat up with one hand and held her hair back with the other. Her stomach heaved and Kelli puked up all the alcohol she had consumed the night before. Having flushed the toilet three times, it did nothing to rid the smell of stale beer which pervaded the room.
Kelli needed to get out of the bathroom as soon as possible. That, however, would have required being able to stand up. She barely had any energy to lift her head. Even though her stomach was completely empty, like a deep pit without a bottom, she couldn’t be sure whether she would vomit again if she moved.
Kelli realised she needed water, as she had heard that hangovers were caused by dehydration. With every bit of strength she could muster, she pushed herself to her feet, using the toilet to aid her. Tentatively walking to the door, she opened it and stuck her head out, listening for Maggie. Silence. She put a hand against the wall to guide her along the hallway and down the stairs. Tears sprung to her eyes when she entered the kitchen and remembered the argument that had taken place with Vanessa. Kelli couldn’t understand why she wanted to hurt Vanessa so much, only that she did, more than anything. It was as if by hurting Vanessa, it would somehow lessen her own pain.
Kelli grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and a banana from the fruit bowl and took them back upstairs with her. As soon as she reached her bedroom, her mobile phone started ringing. Her intention was to ignore it until it occurred to her it might be Christina.
To her delight, it was her.
‘Hey, what you up to?’ Christina said. Her voice seemed louder than usual, so Kelli moved the phone away from her ear.
‘Nothing much.’ Just talking caused her brain to hurt.
‘Do you want to come and hang out at mine?’
‘Umm.’
‘It’s not a trick question, Kelli. Yes or no?’
‘I … yeah okay, but I’m going to need a couple of hours.’
‘There’s no need to get all dressed up for me,’ Christina teased.
‘As if,’ Kelli replied. She needed to find painkillers and have a long soak in the bath. It normally only took an hour to make herself feel better after a drinking session, but last night was no ordinary session. She’d consumed more cans of beer than she ever had before.
‘Meet me at Seven Sisters tube station at twelve.’ Christina paused. ‘Kelli?’
‘Uh huh?’ Kelli’s mind had shifted onto what she was going to wear.
‘I wanted to thank you.’
Jeans and a hoody? ‘For what?’
‘You know what you did.’
No, it will make me look like a roughneck. ‘I don’t know what you’re on about.’
‘The envelope.’
Her heart accelerated. ‘What envelope?’
‘The one you dropped off at the centre.’
‘I—’
‘Please don’t lie to me. I hate liars.’
‘I’ll see you at the station at twelve.’
As if on cue, by ten-thirty Kelli’s hangover was slowly abating, and she was looking forward to hanging out with Christina. She bounded down the stairs two at a time and headed for the front door. Just as she reached for the handle, Maggie’s voice sounded from behind.
‘Was that you I heard in the bathroom earlier?’
Kelli leant her forehead against the door. ‘Me? Nope.’
‘Have you got a minute?’
Kelli gritted her teeth, irritated already by having to answer to Vanessa’s spy. ‘Not really.’
‘I wasn’t asking. Here now.’ Maggie’s voice was firm, telling Kelli she had no choice but to obey.
Kelli exhaled a pent-up breath as she turned and walked towards her.
‘I heard you two arguing last night.’
Kelli rolled her eyes. ‘Like that’s anything new?’
‘Why are you so angry with her, Kelli?’ Maggie reached out to her and tried to take hold of her hand. ‘What has she done to you?’
Kellie snatched her hands back and put them behind her back, out of reach. She was aware that her complaint was a repetitive one, but it was the one that hurt her the most.
‘What hasn’t she done, you mean. Let’s see. She’s meant to be looking after me, but all she does is work—’
‘It’s not entirely her fault though, is it?’
Kelli gave a bitter laugh. ‘It’s no surprise you’re siding with her. In your eyes, she can do no wrong. She’s always been your favourite, hasn’t she? You even loved her more than my mum.’
‘Don’t you talk about things you know nothing about, young lady.’
‘Well it’s true, isn’t it? Why does everyone in this family have to lie about everything?’
Maggie’s eyes watered. ‘I loved Lauren like she was my own child. It breaks my heart every day that she’s not here, but that doesn’t mean I have to take my anger out on everyone else.’
‘You wouldn’t, because you believe in God, don’t you? That there’s an afterlife where we’ll all meet up again and live happily ever after. Well guess what, I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t believe in fairy tales.’ Kelli narrowed her eyes to stop Maggie from seeing her own pain. ‘And at your age, neither should you!’
Kelli turned and stormed out of the house before she broke down in tears and asked Maggie to hold her.
Arriving at the station an hour later, Kelli emerged from the exit to find Christina waiting for her. They engaged in small talk about Kelli’s journey as they walked along the main road, but it wasn’t long before the conversation turned to her. Kelli tried not to show how nervous she was. After her encounter with Maggie, the last thing Kelli wanted to do was talk about herself and so started to regret her decision to go to Christina’s home.
As they walked side by side along a crescent road, Kelli suddenly felt incredibly self-aware. Even though no one was staring at them, it was as though someone was, as if they could somehow tell that they were gay.
‘I didn’t tell you who I was related to because I didn’t want you to judge me,’ Kelli finally said in response to Christina’s question.
‘You can’t think that much of me if you think I’m that shallow.’
Kelli slowed her pace. ‘No, never. I’m sorry it came out like that. It’s just that—’
Christina’s face softened as she glanced at her. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to explain, I can imagine the shit you must get being related to the O’Neils; they’re not exactly beacons of light in the community.’
‘They’re not that bad. Not really. Well my aunt isn’t anyway.’ Kelli couldn’t believe she had just stuck up for Vanessa. It was one thing for Kelli to slag her off but she wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone else. ‘It’s Craig who’s the nasty one.’
‘I live here,’ Christina said, gesturing to a large Victorian house.
‘Alone?’ Kelli brought her right hand up to her breastbone. She’s not going to jump your bones you idiot.
‘Nah, a house share.’
The tension in Kelli’s shoulders receded. ‘Oh.’
‘Don’t worry, no one’s home. They’ll all be at university.’
Kelli followed her inside the house, closing the door behind her. The interior had a strange antiseptic smell about it. She walked around a pile of mail that had been ignored and pushed against a wall. The carpet in the hallway looked like it hadn’t been hoovered in some time. Crumbs and footprints were interspersed here and there at various intervals.
‘I’ll get us a drink,’ Christina said, indicating for Kelli to go into a room at the end of the hallway.
In the living room, several pairs of dirty socks sat on the floor underneath a glass coffee table. Various books lay on the sofa, each with a bookmark sticking out from its pages. Some books were in better condition than others.
A photo of Christina and a group of people, who Kelli assumed to be her house mates, was propped up on the TV. In the picture, they all looked happy and content; leaving Kelli to wonder what it was like to have a network of friends like that. People you could share your dreams, hopes and fears with. I wonder if they’re gay.
Kelli slumped down on the sofa, moving some of the books to the coffee table to make room. She looked up when Christina returned with a large, full glass of orange juice and handed it to her.
‘Thanks,’ Kelli said and took a mouthful. It had a tangy, pulpy taste that made her squirm.
Christina laughed at her reaction. ‘Sorry it’s the cheap stuff. I bet you’re used to drinking it freshly squeezed.’
‘My aunt’s the one into juicing. Give me a coke any day,’ Kelli said with a nervous laugh.
Christina sank down onto a chair next to the sofa. She studied Kelli’s face for several moments, not saying anything. Kelli looked away. Her pulse raced under Christina’s gaze. She was fast regretting her impulsive need to be alone with Christina; now that she was there, all she wanted to do was flee.
At last, Christina broke the silence between them. ‘What are you afraid of?’
Kelli took a gulp of orange juice, just so she would have something to do. Her voice shook slightly as she spoke. ‘Me?’ You. ‘Nothing.’
‘Could have fooled me.’ Christina slid over onto the sofa, took Kelli’s glass and put it on the table. ‘So, what do you want to do?’
Kiss you. Kelli shrugged as she inched away from her.
‘I think you do,’ Christina said as she extended her hand out towards Kelli.
Kelli saw it moving in slow motion. She bit her bottom lip. A raw, intense, arctic shock ran through her body. She almost let out a cry of surprise. Her mouth, like the rest of her body, was frozen. Her heart was the only part of her that gave any kind of visible movement. It beat so hard against her chest that she thought her rib cage would break open and splinter through her skin.
Then, as if she had read Kelli’s mind, Christina leant in and kissed her.
***
The sheets were rumpled. Clothes were strewn over the floor. Kelli lay naked on the bed, Christina close beside her, stroking Kelli’s hair away from her perspiring face. Kelli’s body felt as if someone had given her a jolt of electricity. Her muscles were still contracting from the mind-blowing intensity of her first ever orgasm.
‘Are you happy?’ Christina whispered.
‘Do I look happy?’ Kelli couldn’t wipe away the grin that was plastered on her face.
‘Very.’
‘Are you?
Christina scrunched her nose. ‘Actually, I think happy is an understatement.’
Then her mouth was on Kelli’s again, still as hard and eager as it had been only minutes before.
Kelli wrapped her arms around Christina’s back, squeezing her tight. She desperately wanted their bodies to merge into one, so they would never be apart.
‘I could kiss you all day,’ Christina said pulling away to catch her breath.
‘I’d like that.’
‘And I will.’
‘Forever?’
‘Forever.’
Kelli would store this memory in her heart until the day she died. The day she had finally come into her own. She felt liberated. There was no need to fantasise about what could be anymore, or how a woman’s touch would feel.
Forever. She loved the sound of that.
‘I still can’t believe I met you,’ Kelli said, rolling on her back and staring up at the ceiling.
‘I can. I’ve always believed everyone has a soulmate.’
Kelli turned her head to face Christina. ‘So I’m your soulmate?’
‘Yep.’
‘Then you must be mine.’ Kelli leant over and buried her face in the crook of Christina’s neck to hide the tears that brimmed in her eyes. It was times like this that she really missed her mum; moments of life-changing events. She knew if her mum was still alive, they would have spent hours chatting and eating ice cream on the sofa, the way they had throughout her life. Her mum would have loved Christina the same way that she did.
Christina’s arms cradled her, rocking her gently as she kissed her. ‘Shhh,’ she comforted. ‘It’s okay to cry. Your mum knows you’re happy now.’
Kelli drew back; tears blurred her vision. ‘How … how did you know?’
‘You don’t hide your pain very well. Besides, I don’t think anyone ever gets over the death of a parent. Not really. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you.’
‘I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to spoil things.’
‘Hey, are you crazy. This is what being in a relationship is about. It’s not all about sex. With me it isn’t anyway. We lean on each other, lend a hand when the other is down.’
‘Not in my family. They just ignore you in the hope that you’ll go away.’
‘Are you talking about your aunt?’
Kelli nodded.
‘I’m not taking sides, but people grieve in their own way. Your mum was her sister. It must have been tough on her as well. I bet she doesn’t talk about it because she feels guilty.’
‘Apart from having a lodger she hates, her life hasn’t changed much. What has she got to feel guilty about?’
‘That she couldn’t save her sister; that she somehow let her down when she needed her most.’
‘I doubt it. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself. It’s not going to matter soon anyway. When I’m eighteen, I’ll be long gone. Then she can go back to her miserable empty life.’
‘Have you actually tried talking to her?’
‘There’s no point. She wouldn’t listen anyway.’
‘How do you know if you won’t try?’
‘Because I know her. If it isn’t about work, she isn’t interested.’
‘You’d be surprised, Kelli. Will you do it for me? Just this once?’
Kelli didn’t want to look like a spoilt brat so relented. Whether she actually went through with it remained to be seen. How could she even start a conversation without Vanessa making an excuse to go back to work? ‘Okay, I’ll give it a go, but only if ….’ She traced the outline of Christina’s collar bone.
‘Go on.’
‘You teach me how to ….’ Kelli pressed her face against her ear and whispered the rest.
Christina giggled. ‘It would be a pleasure.’
Kelli rolled onto her back and closed her eyes. This was her new life now and she wasn’t going to let her happiness be governed by her past; whether it was grief or Vanessa.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
During the drive home, a myriad of contemplations, reasoning, planning and concerns simultaneously ran through Vanessa’s mind, but one thought stood out above the others: Kelli’s involvement with the centre. They would have to talk about it and she didn’t give a damn what kind of mood Kelli was in. Kelli was in her house, under her care and for once, she would not be walking on eggshells for the sake of harmony or because she hated the idea of confronting her niece. Vanessa needed to know what was going on inside her head.
Maggie had left her a pot of chicken so
up on the hob and freshly baked rolls on the kitchen counter, under the cover of a red dishcloth. The aroma filled the whole house, reminding Vanessa of her childhood. That feeling of safety, the shelter of innocence and the freedom of no priorities or responsibilities permeated through her as she spooned out a bowl of soup.
The home-cooked meal was a welcome change to the take-aways she’d been indulging in during the past week. Vanessa sat down at the island and switched on the small TV. She chose a channel with a nature documentary that featured Richard Attenborough’s soothing narration, because she’d learnt one thing over the years: an active, but calm home, automatically made for a more relaxed conversation, even if the conversation involved her prying into Kelli’s secrets.
The front door slammed. Footsteps made their way towards the kitchen, then stopped abruptly and turned in the other direction. Vanessa was off her seat in seconds and at the door.
‘Hey.’
Kelli turned. Dread in her eyes.
‘Don’t play all shy now. I thought you’d be proud of yourself after your TV appearance.’
‘So you saw me on TV and what?’ Kelli said.
‘And what?’ Vanessa sensed Kelli’s defences rise up around her. This is going to be fun, Vanessa mused, getting mentally ready for a feisty tug-of-war. ‘What were you doing at the centre?’
‘I don’t have to answer that. I don’t owe you anything. Once I’m eighteen I’ll be getting out of this hell hole.’
Vanessa was dumbfounded. ‘Hell hole?’
‘Yes, hell hole,’ Kelli spat. ‘You and Craig are an embarrassment. Do you know how it feels to have people gossiping about your family behind your back? Even people at college pass remarks about the heartless O’Neil empire and paint me with the same brush.’
Vanessa remained silent. In truth, she didn’t know how to respond to that point. Kelli was right, which made it hard to argue with.
‘So that’s why you were protesting with them. Because you think I’m heartless?’
Doubt clouded Kelli’s eyes. ‘If you aren’t, how can you go along with the closure? What makes it even worse is that you’re gay. I thought minorities stuck together.’
