by Amanda Cowen
He lets out a tense breath and relaxes a bit in my embrace. His hands touch my head and he runs his fingers through my hair. “I’m okay,” he replies, hesitant.
“Are you sure?” I ask. He doesn’t sound okay.
He nods, but keeps his hands in my hair, gently stroking my head. His silence is starting to worry me. I pull away from his touch and lift my head to look up at him. Why does he look like he’s been crying?
“I love you.” The way he says it is so intense it almost sounds like he’s frightened.
A small sad smile tugs at my lips. “I know and it’s okay. I understand. I love you too. You thought you did the right thing when you decided to marry Daniela. You loved your brother, and you wanted to protect her. We are going to get through this together—”
“Quinn stop,” he says, and takes a step back. He lets out a steadying breath, and his gaze meets my anxious eyes. “Last night was great. And this morning was amazing. I’m so thankful you came with me to Santa Anna. I’ve had some time to think about things, and you shouldn’t have cancelled your flight. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m going to be okay. I’ve already put a call in to the Tornadoes trainer, and he’s coming by with the team physician for a check-up this afternoon. You need to go back to Boston. I already booked you on the next flight.”
I’m not following what he’s saying. He thinks I need to go back to Boston?
“What?” I ask, replaying his words back in my head.
“I’m sorry, Quinn. I’m so sorry.” His voice is hoarse.
I can hear the pain laced in his words, and I don’t have to ask what he means. This is it. He just can’t say it.
“I don’t understand. I thought you wanted us.”
“Not like this—it isn’t going to work. You have your whole life ahead of you. A life in Boston studying at Harvard. You were right to leave me the first time.” He digs his hand around in his back pocket and then hands me an envelope. “Here. Take the plane ticket. My limo driver will be here to pick you up and take you to the airport.”
I push his hand away. “So this is it? You are choosing her over me?”
“No. Never.” He shakes his head, still holding that damn envelope in his hand. “I will always choose you, Quinn. This has nothing to do with Daniela. The problem is, you shouldn’t want to choose me. You need someone you can run with, someone who's going to push you to achieve everything you’ve set out to do. You being in Santa Anna isn't real. These past few days we've been living in a fairy tale.”
I exhale slowly hoping to ease the tightness in my chest. “Cash, you know we have something real.”
“You deserve to be happy.”
“But I am happy.” I need him to believe me. Even with Daniela in his life, I need him to know it doesn’t bother me. We can get through this. “Cash, please. Don’t do this. Don’t push me away.”
“That's your problem right there,” he says. “You don't believe you deserve better, but you do. You deserve everything. And you can’t stay here with me.”
Hearing his words hurt more than anything else. I feel my stomach drop out. A tear glistens in my eye, and he reaches forward and places a hand on the side of my face. I don’t understand. I thought we decided we would finally be together.
“I love you and because I love you I am letting you go. I want you to get out of life what you want. And I don’t want to hold you back from what you set out to do. You think I’m what you want, but you shouldn’t want me, or this life. You have such a bright future ahead of you.”
“What did you say?” I ask, as the words letting me go sink in. My skin goes cold, panic rising in my chest. Like hell he’s letting me go.
“You heard me, Quinn. Don’t make this harder than it is,” he whispers.
I stare at him in disbelief. He really means what he’s saying. “No. I’m not going anywhere,” I shout. My lips begin to quiver, and my face feels like it’s on fire. I take a step back, not believing for a second that he’s pushing me away. “I already made my choice. And I choose you. I told you I can transfer to UCLA. I promise you’re not holding me back. You’re what I want.”
He continues to stare at me, no reaction at all. My stomach twists.
“Cash, say something.”
“Take your plane ticket.” He holds it out to me.
I let out a short, pissed-off laugh. “Are you fucking serious?”
This whole conversation feels like whiplash. My hands are shaking and my eyes stinging with the threat of tears.
“Quinn don’t make this harder than it already is.” His face turns red and his jaw tightens. “You’re going back to Boston.”
“Do you have any idea what I sacrificed by coming here?” I gape at him. I can actually feel my pulse in my neck, that’s how hard my heart is pounding. “You know what?” I shout, reach into the front pocket of my jeans, pulling out the ring I made for Cash months ago. “Go fuck yourself!” I whip it at him, and it hits him in the chest and drops to the floor.
He bends down and picks it up, staring at it in the palm of his hand. “You made me a—”
I don’t even let him finish his sentence. “Yeah, I did. I made you a ring. And I’ve been wanting to give it to you since the day you told me you were brought back up to the pros. I thought tonight would be the perfect time to finally give it to you. But here you are, the same selfish asshole I walked away from back in Bexley. So thank you for cutting me loose before I made the biggest mistake of my life.”
He looks at me, and I can see the struggle in his eyes. “Quinn, you don’t—” Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and then exhales, opening his eyes again. “You’re right. And you should start packing your bags. The limo driver will be here soon.”
I look at him, flabbergasted, and storm out of his room. My eyes are blurred with tears as I pack my bags, leave the building, and find myself inside a limo on my way to the airport.
______________
Two hours later when I’m sitting in the airport, I lift my phone, and swipe my thumb across the screen and press Aiden’s name. I wipe away a few tears with the back of my hand and tap out a text to him.
Me: On my way back to Boston. I don’t have my keys to get into apartment. Will you be home to let me in?
Aiden: I’ll be home. When does your flight get in?
I let out a sigh of relief. The only thing I want to do once I get back is flop down on my mattress and go straight to bed.
Me: Tonight. Just waiting to board my flight. It doesn’t leave for another hour or so.
Aiden: Can I call you?
I stare down at my phone for a few minutes before I tap out a hesitant reply.
Me: Yes
Seconds later Aiden’s number lights up on my screen.
“Hey,” he says when I answer.
“Hey.”
“I’ve missed you,” his soft, gentle voice mumbles into my ear.
I don’t say it back, because the truth is… I didn’t miss him. Right after I left for Santa Anna, sure, of course I felt guilty and maybe I even missed him a little. But since then, things have happened. Like Cash…
When I don’t respond, he continues. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since you left. A lot. I don’t want us to fight anymore.”
I finally find my voice. “Good because I don’t want to fight either.”
“And it’s okay. We all make mistakes. I knew with a little push you’d come to your senses.”
“A little push?” I ask, confused. “Listen, I’m sorry for how I split on you. And of course, we’re still roommates. I don’t want things to go sour between us.”
“Me neither.” He sighs with relief. “I was thinking back to the hockey game, and I realize now I should’ve never made you come with me. I knew you and Cash had something going on before you left for Harvard. I guess I didn’t realize how much of a hold he still had on you. I’m sorry, Quinn.” His voice is earnest. “But now I know you are ready to move on.”
My
throat tightens. “How?”
“Because you decided to come back.”
Aw shit. He thinks I am coming back for him.
“I’ve been crushing on you since high school.” There’s vulnerability bubbling through his voice. “We’ve been friends for so long, and when your mom passed away, I was there for you, Quinn. I didn’t leave your side. You’re so smart and driven and you know exactly what you want out of life, and that’s so fucking rare. You amaze me.” His tone grows rueful. “I think what we have works well. I couldn’t let you ruin your future. Your future is more important than babysitting some hot-headed hockey player. I couldn’t sleep knowing you chose some drunk ice-buffoon over of me. You went running the second he was in trouble. And I saw what happened to your mother. You don’t need that kind of person in your life again. You need a guy like me. Someone who is stable and educated. I’m glad you see that now.”
“Wait. What do you mean you couldn’t let me ruin my future?” I ask.
“Well…I wasn’t about to let him hurt you again.” He sounds frustrated. “I was trying to help you. And honestly, picturing you there with him made my life here unbearable. It was a hard pill to swallow, I guess. Knowing you were making such a huge mistake weighed on me. You might think my reaching out to your father crossed the line, but I feel like you gave me no choice. I had to tell him. And thank God he showed up and convinced you to come back to me.”
I’m dumbfounded. My heart is racing, and I can feel my face burning red. Aiden told my father I was with Cash in Santa Anna? If Dad didn’t confront me…did he confront Cash? I have to brace myself against the wall so I don’t collapse. The room spins around me. I’ve never wanted to reach through the phone and punch someone so much in my entire life.
“You told my father I was with Cash?” I ask, voice shaky.
“Well, yeah. It was for your own good.”
“Where do you get off thinking you know what I want?”
“I was trying to help. I convinced myself that I was what you wanted and you wanted to be with me.”
“You’re not what I want,” I say softly. “You went behind my back and ratted me out to my father. You put Cash’s career on the line. I thought we were friends.”
“I know, and maybe I was wrong to tell your father. I told you, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” He takes a breath. “Please don’t be angry with me.”
Shock hits me first. Followed by anger. Followed by deep distress, because… what the fuck was he thinking?
“Quinn, don’t be angry. Please. I didn’t know what else to do. It was stupid to rat you out. Cash is so bad for you. You need to understand that.”
Oh God. Why did I not see this before? My father was the one who gave Cash my plane ticket. Cash never wanted me to leave. I’m so mad at Aiden. I can’t even speak to him.
I need to go.
“I’m not coming back to Boston. I’m staying here in Santa Anna.”
Aiden remains silent. Finally, he snaps, “So that’s it? You’re giving up everything for Cash Brooks?”
“You betrayed me.” I take a breath. “And that’s the reason I’m staying in Santa Anna. I need to fix this. I’m sorry. I hope you’re able to find a new roommate.” Damn it, I’m choking up. “I really did like you, Aiden.”
He doesn’t answer, breathing heavy on the other end of the line. My hands shake as I grab my belongings and start walking toward the exit. I don’t bother telling him we can still be friends, because I know he doesn’t want to hear that right now. Besides, I’m not about to make any promises I might be unable to keep.
“Bye, Aiden.” With that, I click off from our call and hop in a cab.
Chapter 16
Quinn
My heart is beating so hard I can hear it. I hail down a cab, and thirty minutes later I’m standing in front of my father’s door, pounding my fist against it. He pulls it open with a frown. He doesn’t bother to ask what I’m doing here. He already knows. He glares at me with disapproval through his reading glasses. I push past him into the foyer through to the large main living room. He’s mad at me anyway.
He follows me over to the bay window that overlooks a large wraparound deck and ocean.
“How could you?” I spin around, cutting right to the chase. “Did you and Aiden think I wouldn’t find out? I can’t believe you went behind my back and confronted Cash. Admit you are the one who bought me this plane ticket.” I wave the ticket in front of his face. When he remains silent, I shout, “Admit it.”
He studies me with a look of frustration. “I’m your father. My job is to protect you. I simply led the horse to the water. I didn’t make him drink it.”
The bitterness from knowing he confronted Cash, purchased a plane ticket, and convinced him to push me away makes my blood simmer. I’m tired of his double standard when it comes to me and Lyndsey. I’m tired of constantly having to prove myself through self-discipline and academics to have him accept me. I’m sick of being pushed. And I’m sick of him thinking he knows what is best for me. He’s never even given Cash a chance. Yet he expects me to do as he says. I’ve idolized him from the time I was a little girl. Now, a part of me hates him.
“I can’t believe you.” Those four words go much deeper than I know he takes them.
Everything has changed. Except him. He will always want to control things, including me.
“I hope you’re here to thank me for saving you from tossing away everything you’ve worked for. You think Cash Brooks cares about you? That’s bullshit, Quinn. I told you to stay away from him for a damn good reason. He’s a drunk. Like your mother. He’ll never change. If anyone should know that, it’s you. Did you know the night his brother died in a car cash, Cash was all hammered up behind the wheel, for Christ sake? Did he tell you that? Did he tell you he’s been to rehab and through programming? Did he? And let me guess, you’re okay with his choice to marry his brother’s ex-fiancée. You’re okay with him pouring his hard-earned money into her bank account? His life is a mess. Do you really think that is the kind of man I want my daughter to be with? No red-blooded man would be okay with his daughter being with a guy like Cash Brooks.”
He doesn’t understand that there is so much more to Cash than his past. My father is a man of surface and appearances. He doesn’t like to give people second chances. All he cares about is his image and his growing power in the professional hockey world. I grit my teeth and hold my curses and insults in. They won’t help matters now. I am so done with him.
“I love him,” I say, keeping my voice even. “And I know all about his past, and I know about Daniela too. I’m sorry Dad, but you had no right to interfere. You don’t know him the way I do. All you know is the hot-headed hockey player with a callous exterior and messy past. But what you don’t know is that he’s gentle and kind and loving and his future is bright. And whether you want to accept it or not, I love him. And he loves me.”
“He loves you? Is that what he tells you?” The amusement in his voice is lost on me. There is nothing humorous about the fact that we love each other. My father studies me and crosses his arms in front of his chest. “How many times do I have to tell you? Love doesn’t get you anywhere. It isn’t forever. It leaves you. When reality sets in and times get hard and he’s sneaking drinks behind your back and snorting cocaine in a bathroom stall because alcohol isn’t enough of a high anymore, the love disappears and resentment sets in and suddenly you are left with nothing. I lived it, Quinn. And you saw firsthand what it was like for me to love someone like Cash. It’s a disease. We know they want to change, they promise us they will, but they can’t change. They are sick. You need to be with someone who wants the same things as you. Someone like Aiden. He can push you to achieve success and live a good stable life. The life of a hockey wife is not stable or ideal. Cash is not stable. And you are out of your mind if you think I will stand by and let you repeat the past.”
“Cash isn’t Mom.” I can’t look at him. The rage burning a hole in m
y gut is no doubt flashing in my eyes.
“You need to get your head out of the clouds,” he barks. “Now get out of my house and get your ass back to Boston.”
My father’s footsteps move away from me and the patio doors close behind him. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him for this. Or Aiden.
I need to make things right with Cash.
_________
“Cash, open up.” I press my ear against his front door, listening. I jiggle the handle with one hand and rap my fist against the door with the other. It’s so quiet on the other side I can hear my pulse whooshing in my ears. When I finally hear footsteps, I call out his name again.
The door flies open.
“Quinn?” His eyes search mine. “You’re supposed to be on a plane.”
He stands in the doorway, leaning against the wall, sipping whiskey on the rocks. He’s wearing the ring I made and threw at him. It’s on his wedding ring finger. He’s staring directly at me wearing the same intense expression he wore the first night we met, as he watched me from the ice.
“I know.” Tears well in my eyes. “You can’t push me away. I won’t let you. And my father can’t make you.”
“He’s right, Mittens.” Deep lines circle his unsmiling eyes. His lips are tight and pale. He slams the rest of his drink. “Whether you want to accept it or not. You deserve better. And right now, you need to go.”
“No,” I say. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He looks up at me, eyes hard. “This isn’t easy for me, Mittens. Stop making this so damn hard. Just go already.”
I reach for him but reconsider. He looks really pissed, and my frustration with myself and him and all of it explodes. I still remember the stab I felt in my chest when he told me to leave the first time.
“I love you. And I won’t leave you.”
We drown in a heavy silence until he finally looks away.
