by CD Reiss
CHAPTER 30.
ELLIOT
She looked rested. Her eyes were lit with awareness, and her face was alert and reactive. That was the effect Deacon had on her. Much as I wanted to hate him for touching her the way he did or get angry that he had what I wanted, the change in her demeanor could not be ignored.
“I saw you go into the trees,” I said. “You were supposed to stay in sight.”
She swallowed hard. “Why didn’t you ring an alarm or something?”
“It would achieve nothing.”
“But isn’t that what it’s always been?” she said. “People keeping me from the consequences of my actions?”
“Do you want to know the consequences of your actions yesterday?”
“I’d have to stay.”
“No. You’d get kicked out.”
She laughed to herself and shifted in her seat.
I continued, “It was clear to me, after I met Deacon, that he wouldn’t hurt you. I didn’t think he’d put himself in a position again where you could hurt him.”
Which was partly dishonest. I knew no one was going to get hurt. But I was jealous. Seething. If I’d sent someone after them, it would have been nothing but a reaction to my jealousy. I couldn’t let that happen. I was still her therapist.
“Thank you,” she said.
“You didn’t hurt him, and he didn’t hurt you. So keeping you here to keep you away from Deacon isn’t enough reason. You’re sane and stable enough to face questioning. I don’t think we can hold you anymore.” I should have been relieved or at least happy, but I was confused.
“When am I going?”
“I have to do some paperwork, but probably in a day.”
I gauged her reaction, and it was surprise, not fear. That was good.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I think so.”
“You look a little shell-shocked.”
“I’m scared to go out there. I’m scared of the cameras, and my family, and honestly, I’m scared of myself. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I have to decide whether to go back to Maundy or not. Right now, I think no. I have to get control of my life, and Deacon was a crutch. When he was gone, then this place became a crutch. I get, right now, why people want to stay in here.”
“You should probably continue some sort of therapy,” I said.
“Yeah. But I don’t live in Compton.”
“I can’t be your therapist anymore.”
“Why not?” She sat straighter, and her voice went up an octave. She was hurt.
I hadn’t intended to hurt her. “Because I don’t have a private practice.”
Because I can’t look at you.
Because all I want to do is touch you.
Because I want to hunt and kill everyone who ever hurt you.
Because healing you is personal to me.
Because I’m going to fall in love with you.
“I don’t want to talk to anyone else,” she said.
“I’ll recommend someone you’d like.” I stood, buttoning my jacket. “Give yourself some time after you leave before you decide how to proceed with therapy. But not too much.”
“Sure,” she said, standing.
We went to the door together, and I put my hand on the knob. We did that every time, but this was the last time, and I was slow to open the door. She came close to me.
“Fiona.” I said her name as if I was entering another place, another state where words were warmer, and the things I felt didn’t have to be locked away.
“Yeah?”
I had to press my lips between my teeth before I said something stupid. I released them when something sane was ready to come out. “I liked working with you.”
“You know how I feel,” she said.
In her voice… did I hear that same warm place? If I did, was it even valid? “I guess I do, I just…” Shut up.
Her hand flicked to the ends of her red hair. As it fell back down, a reflex came straight from my lizard brain.
I caught it.
What the fuck are you doing?
Her fingers rested on mine, and with my thumb…
Don’t.
…I brushed the tops of them.
You’re breaking a sacred trust.
I looked from the hands to her face. Her eyes flicked back and forth, her lips parted. She was motionless as I leaned closer, like a ship keening on the sea. If I kissed her now…
Your career is over.
She’d open her mouth, and our tongues would touch. I’d taste her. I’d feel her warmth. I wanted to. I wanted her more than I wanted my career. My nose ran astride hers, and I tasted her breath. She was there for it. She wanted me to.
She’s probably going back to Deacon.
I closed my mouth and tilted my head to put my lips, and the kiss, out of reach. “I’m sorry.” I dropped her hand.
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.”
“The other day, when you told me all the words to use to describe myself, you forgot one.”
“Really? What?”
“Irresistible.”
CHAPTER 31.
FIONA
I ran as fast as I could in those stupid shoes. I was getting out, and even as scared as I was, my joy at my freedom wasn’t easily contained.
And there was Elliot. It had been a moment. His thumb on my fingers. His mouth so close to mine a twitch would have brought our lips together.
He wouldn’t have me. He wouldn’t come near me again, not if his life depended on it. I knew that. But I also knew that a normal man with normal desires who wanted a normal life could, in the short run at least, find someone like me attractive. And in that, a crack opened, and a stream of possibilities poured in.
I barely stopped in front of Karen’s room. Discovering she wasn’t there, I checked the upstairs rec room. Jonathan was playing ping pong with Warren as if it was a full-contact, high-stakes sport.
“Jon! I’m out tomorrow!”
“Thank god,” he said with a thup crack thup. “I’m sick of looking at you.”
I was about to go down to the cafeteria when I saw the ambulance outside. “What happened? There are paramedics in the driveway?”
Warren didn’t lose a beat. “Karen had a heart attack.”
Jonathan caught the ball midair. “What? How?”
Warren shrugged, but I knew god damn well what had happened. She’d taken Warren Pharma’s uppers to kill her appetite, and her heart gave out. I stared Warren down, and he smirked and shrugged. Jonathan joined me at the window.
“Shit,” he mumbled.
I ran downstairs. A crowd stood outside the cafeteria doors, but having clubbed my whole life, they were a permeable barrier, as long as I didn’t care who I pissed off.
Mark stopped me. “Hold on. If you’re not an EMT, you’re on this side of the line.”
Past him, six paramedics lifted Karen onto a gurney.
I pushed Mark out of the way and ran to her. “Karen!”
I didn’t know if she’d heard me. Tubes were sticking out of her face and arm, and her head was held still by a white contraption. Hands grabbed me. I shook them off until I got to her, and she saw me. Her eyes were half-closed but alert.
“We’re friends outside this place. You got it?”
She blinked. She’d heard me. Mark came behind me and wrestled my arms behind my back.
“Okay, okay!” I shouted. “We’re good. I’m going.”
I stood with my hands up, perfectly still, and Mark stepped back to let me pass.
CHAPTER 32.
ELLIOT
Home. The house I’d bought in a flurry of financial optimism during an economic downturn. The last bit of luck I’d ever had.
The lights were off, but Jana was home. Her car was in the drive, and I saw the dim flickering of the fireplace through the front curtains. I’d almost kissed Fiona Drazen in my office. So much went through my head, the churning excuses, the feeling of autonomy,
the crushing guilt.
I dropped my bag at the door and walked into the living room. Jana stood in front of the fireplace, her short silk nightgown falling over her breasts like light pink syrup over a vanilla sundae. Her hands were at her sides, fingertips tight against each other. Her big toes lay right over left.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi.”
“How was your day?”
“Fine. Yours?”
“I’m sorry,” she blurted. “For accusing you. But you’ve been distant, and that was where my mind went.”
I stepped close to her, raising my hand over her breast without touching it. If I lowered my hand, I’d feel the nub of her erect nipple under the silk. I’d draw my hand down the fabric until I got to the hem, then I’d reach under and find out what was happening beneath that nightgown.
“I’m sorry too,” I said. “I’ve been distant. You’re right.”
I didn’t lower my hand. If I admitted I had another woman on my mind, the fact that I’d never actually laid a hand on her would be utterly irrelevant. I’d cheated emotionally. If I told Jana that, how deeply would it hurt her, standing there in her pink silk nightgown before a roaring fire?
If I touched that tit, I would fuck her and fuck her hard. I would think of Fiona, and that wasn’t right. She’d put on that nightgown for a difficult evening. I couldn’t take her with a clean conscience, and I couldn’t refuse without leaving her.
I put my hand in my pocket.
She swallowed. “There’s someone else.”
“No, but...”
“But what?”
“But there may as well be.”
Was that cruel? Was there an easy way to do this? Was there ever a good time to tell someone that your heart had been looking for someplace to land for a long time, and the fact that it had landed with someone inaccessible didn’t mend the unhappiness?
“What does that mean?” Her lower lip quivered.
I wanted to take it back, fuck her senseless, and break up with her later during a convenient little fight that I’d engineer. But that was the coward’s way out, wasn’t it? “I’m sorry.”
“You want me to leave?”
“You’re a beautiful woman. You’re smart and caring, and… It’s not you, it’s—”
The slap on my cheek rang my bell. Of all her fine qualities, I hadn’t counted a left hook among them.
“You are a fucking prick,” she said, finger pointed. “You’re a drifter. You haven’t been able to hold down a job since you walked away from your discernment committee. You don’t talk about it. You don’t talk about anything. You only start all this weird fucking dirty talk. You spank my ass in the bathroom and expect me to what, enjoy that? And now you have the nerve to tell me how ‘beautiful’ I am? And that’s what? Prelude to a break up?”
I noticed that her nipples were no longer making peaks through the fabric of the nightgown. We were doing it, right here, right now, breaking up. It was the right thing, the only thing, and it felt like hell. “I’m sorry.”
“Well, guess what? Maybe I’m not interested in a guy who’ll bring gang bangers to the house. Maybe I’m not about to let my kids hear you tell me what you’re going to do to my pussy by the refrigerator. You’ve changed, Elliot. I don’t know if this is a phase or what, but you’ve changed.”
“And you haven’t.” I tried to stop myself but couldn’t. “You’re still a sheltered, scared child.”
“You’re just pissed off you couldn’t fix me. This is not my failure. It’s yours.”
Everything we needed to say to each other had just been said, but it would go on all night. The beginning parts had gone down easier with a dose of uncontrolled rage.
She stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door. I looked at the ceiling, my hands still in my pockets. She was right about everything, and I was too. None of the obstacles between us were insurmountable. We could work on all of it, stay together, and be happy-ish. But I wasn’t willing to climb that mountain. It seemed a long, hard slog for a peak overlooking a view I didn’t care to see.
I poked at the fire, moving a log so it would go out sooner rather than later. I didn’t feel good about what I was about to do, but it was honest. I stood, replaced the poker, and went into the bedroom to do what I should have done months ago.
CHAPTER 33.
FIONA
I walked back from breakfast drowsy with contentment after a night of non-Halcion-aided sleep. I was leaving. A few hours more, and I was free. Free to deal with my family’s shit. My father and his proclivities. My mother and her constant terrors. My brother’s dead girlfriend. The media.
Deacon.
I was done at Maundy. It had been a chapter of my life, and it was time to move along and control myself, my desires, my dreams. My plan was to focus on riding. I’d maybe train another horse, maybe do some coaching. I couldn’t do that with Deacon allowing me a life driven by my cunt. When that thing was at the wheel, every other life’s desire went dark.
“Hey,” Mark called. He was in his street clothes, torn black jeans and a black sleeveless Metallica tee. “You owe me. I got ten minutes.”
“You know I can’t get money from here.”
“I ain’t talking about the money.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Let’s get this over with.”
As I kneeled on the bathroom floor and took his cock down my throat while he called me names, I was kind of relieved. Once I got out of Westonwood, I wouldn’t make deals like that anymore. Blowjobs weren’t currency. I could say no like a normal person and find some other way to pay for what I needed.
Mark wouldn’t appreciate the fact that he would be the last stranger who grabbed my hair to hold my head still so he could come on my face. That was all right. He didn’t need to know. I needed to know. I had control over my shit.
I wiped his jizz off my eyelid and looked in the mirror at the queen of her domain, master of her universe.
CHAPTER 34.
FIONA
The grounds never seemed so huge as when I was looking for my brother and couldn’t find him.
“Warren,” I said, approaching a small group of guys, “have you seen Jonathan?”
He looked me up and down, as if assessing more than a lost sibling. “I think he went past the gate for a smoke. Come on, I need to catch up with him too.”
I followed him past the treeline.
“So,” he said, “I hear you’re getting out today?”
“Yeah, I just have to run upstairs and change. I wanted to catch him before second sessions.”
“He’s around somewhere.” He peeled the chain link back for me.
“Hey,” I said from the other side, “can you kind of look out for him? Make sure he doesn’t lose his temper over stupid shit?”
He slid through. “Sure. He’s all right, that kid.”
“Yeah, he is.” I walked on, scanning for the kid Warren spoke about as if he wasn’t close by. “I don’t see him.” I skirted the edge of the creek. “Maybe he’s back in his room?”
“Jonny?” Warren barked, getting ahead of me. “How’s the Halcion panning out?” he called back to me.
“Great.” I followed him. “Thanks for it.”
“Good.” He put his arm around me. “You know, you owe me for that shit.”
“How much do you need?”
“I have money.” He looked at my lips and down my shirt, flicking his tongue over his top lip.
Shit. “Warren, I’m not interested in that kind of trade. Can you think of something else?”
“Sure.” He wove his fingers in my hair.
I dropped my arm from his waist and leaned away.
He balled his hand into a fist, grabbing my hair, and pulled me to my knees. “I can think of something else, but it’s not what I want, okay?”
“Ow! Warren! Stop!”
He threw me onto the ground, and my cheek slapped onto a layer of wet leaves and rock. I tried to scramble up, but he used my f
orward motion to get my pants down, sliding them to my calves. I screamed, but it came out as a grunt since the wind was still knocked out of me. He threw his weight on top of me and clamped his hand over my mouth.
“Scream.” He was breathless himself, holding my mouth with one hand and wiggling his dick out with the other. “Maybe your brother will come. He’ll walk away when he sees his whore sister getting it up the ass. Then how’s that release gonna work out? You caught here doing what you do?”
I shook my head. I felt the skin of his cock against my butt cheek. “No,” I said into his hand.
“I don’t hear that. Not from you. You had it in your ass so much in Ojai I can’t believe you ever sat again. I’m moving my hand. You scream, and I’ll tell them you wanted it. Ain’t nothing to me if I have to stay.”
My fingertips gripped the soft earth. My ass was already sweaty from being pressed against him.
“I’m moving my hand,” he said.
I groaned, not agreeing to anything. He slipped it away.
“Please don’t,” I said.
“There’s some shit Daddy can’t pay for.” He put his dick between my ass cheeks. I tried to get away, but he yanked my hair back. “Stay still and take it, you little whore.”
With that, he jammed himself forward, missing my ass. Undaunted, he adjusted and pushed himself inside. My face contorted. Tears fell. My breath went out of me.
“Oh, you’re so fucking tight for a slut.”
“Warren, it hurts. Please. Lube me or something. God, fuck.”
He pulled out and pummeled me again. “I like it dry.”
He hitched my hips up. I was crying as he bore into me.
“I hate you,” I growled through my tears. “I’m going to get you for this, you fuck.” My face was inches from the ground, so close my breath bounced back into my face.
A caterpillar crawled from under a leaf, his body curling around the edge, changing its shape with as his teeth ate it slowly.
“How much Halcion you got in your blood?” He pounded relentlessly, shredding my ass. “That’s mine. I paid for this fuck, little slut. Yeah, take it all the way. You love it in the ass like this. All whores want a dick in their ass. Say it.”
