“Well, I guess I walked into the wrong room at the right time,” she replied bitterly.
He rubbed his face, still pacing. “So you have resented me all this time? I have been hoping, waiting for you to get over Colin, and it wasn’t even him that was the problem. You have just plain hated me for doing something I was ordered to do!”
His words caught her. He was following orders. She knew it, she had always known it, but somehow hearing him speak the truth of the matter made her feel slightly guilty for blaming him. Her emotions started to balance out, gaining control again. It might already be too late; he could be ready to head off to report her this moment. She had to at least try to resolve this, just the two of them.
“I know you were ordered to do it, and that is the problem,” she explained. “I knew then that I could never live that life. Ursa was not innocent, but she didn’t deserve the fate she received. I couldn’t do that over and over again, knowing each time that I might be sentencing people to their deaths who didn’t really deserve it.”
“I understand, and I even agree with you.” With a huff, he sat back down beside her. “I have seen a lot of things. I have done a lot of things—well, let’s just say, no matter how much they train you, it will never really prepare you.”
His eyes misted up, and Freya’s jaw almost hit the floor. He had always been so distant, so in control, and now to look at him, he was nearly unrecognizable. One would think that time would have made him even tougher, but instead it had broken him.
“I guess in that way I am grateful you stayed away. You didn’t have to see it or take part.” He nodded, struggling to keep his voice even. “I just hope that someday you can forgive me for what I did.”
“Why would you need my forgiveness? You were only acting on orders.” Her voice cracked with emotion now.
“Some orders should not be followed.”
“Wow, never thought I would witness you commit treason,” she said, offering him a soft, knowing smile.
“Well, I guess that is why I am hoping so deeply that you become the head of State. Maybe you will show me mercy.”
“The State doesn’t show mercy for treason,” she said.
“I know, but perhaps you could change that.”
Her mind would be racing if it had not gone completely numb. After a moment of silence between them, he stood up and descended the stairs, turning to look back at her.
“I have to go, but I want you to know that I am here, if you need anything, or get angry and want to beat something up.”
She smiled slightly. “Thank you, but I’m afraid I’m a little too old for combat training—I can’t risk the injury.”
“Maybe not. But an incredibly heavy burden has been placed squarely on your shoulders. I might be able to help, if you let me.”
Freya couldn’t look at him. She simply nodded and said, “Thank you. I’ll let you know.” She watched as Lewis walked back into the darkness, and hoped this wasn’t the beginning of her end.
Chapter 6
Lewis left her sitting on the stairs, her mind a storm of contemplations. She shut the access, and saw that her monitor was flashing. There was a message for her to be in Victor’s office in thirty minutes. It was a rather odd time to request a meeting—in the evening—but Victor had said she needed to live in this house for that very purpose.
It would be difficult to clear her mind in time. She sat on the bed and closed her eyes, doing breathing exercises to calm herself. How could Lewis go from being a military puppet to committing treason? As soon as she asked the question in her mind, her answer came in a form of another question. How did I go from being the poster child of compliance to be a part of the rebellion?
She may never know Lewis’s reasons or motivations, but that was not important now. Just as she had woken up to the truth, so did he. Of course, she had to accept that there was a chance he was acting as a spy to see where her loyalties lie, but that didn’t feel like it was the truth.
He may have been good at controlling and hiding his emotions, but after living with him for a time, she could tell when he was putting on a show. Although she knew she could never really trust anyone, she felt that he spoke the truth to her. She always felt deep down that he had feelings for her; she just couldn’t admit it at the time. She had been too broken and scared.
Could he really become an ally? Was he affiliated with the rebellion already? Had he become a double agent just like I did? Or was he just seeing an opportunity for change and taking it? She needed more time with him, but she wasn’t sure how to go about contacting him or where it would be safe to talk.
She tried to focus again on her breathing. What a turn of events, right before she had to meet with Victor. Perhaps he really was just a test, and she had failed, and he already reported her. The worst part of that thought was the realization she didn’t really care. Perhaps this was what Ursa was talking about when she said everyone was ready to give up their life for the rebellion. Maybe you just got to the point where you know you have done everything you are capable of, and you are too tired to care if this is the end.
Her tablet chimed, alerting her to an appointment. It was time to go to Victor’s office. She was there in less than a minute. His door was closed, and so she knocked. James opened the door and welcomed her inside. The monitor was active on the wall, and a chair had been placed in front of it. Unlike a usual call, there was no face displayed on the screen, only an audio connection.
“Freya, welcome to your first interview by the Council,” said a female voice from the monitor. “We are all eager to meet you—we have heard so many great things about you over the years.”
Freya gave a slight bow to the monitor. She figured they could see her; she just couldn’t see who she was speaking to.
“Our first question for the evening is what kind of changes would you like to see happen if you were to become the head of State?” said a different male voice.
She thought for a moment before answering. This question sounded to her like a trap. If she told them what she really thought, she would be thrown out of the running, if not arrested. The State wanted people it could control. The head of State was a figurehead; it was the Council who held the real power.
“I think that change is inevitable.” She began in a soft, slow, careful tone. “Opening up the colony world will make sure of that. We will have more resources; hence population control can be revoked—yet I don’t think that one person can possibly anticipate the ripple effect that will create.”
She paused again, unsure if she should lead with population control. “I don’t know what that will look like, and I myself don’t expect to have the answers. I think that there needs to be data collected on each situation and looked at by a team in order to best strategize how to deal with those changes.”
A noise came through the monitor, and she knew it meant she had just been shut out of the conversation. They were all discussing what she had just said.
“Just to make sure we understand you correctly, you think we will need to change our population because of the colony world opening up?” asked a different female voice.
“Unless someone shows me data that proves otherwise, yes.” She took a deep breath, feeling very unsure of herself. She was doing her best to give them the impression she would do whatever they said, but she was doubting her own abilities to convince them of anything, or if she was heading down the correct path.
“There will be more land for agriculture—that alone will need more people to work that land. I think there were just enough people sent on the ship to get the colony world set up, but not enough to maintain it. The opportunities are endless with another world, but we need the manpower to work at it. We need to consider having more children, now if possible, so we can start to build up that manpower. We also need to consider the safety, or lack of safety, on this new world. There could be diseases, insects, animals, unstable weather, and so on. We are quite safe here—it is uncommon for someone t
o die of anything but old age. The other world will not have that luxury.”
The monitor made the same clicking sound, and she waited. Her heart pounded in her throat. The only comforting thought she held onto was that she wasn’t brought into Victor’s office because Lewis had reported her. It seemed he had either held his tongue, or perhaps it was just too late or inconvenient to arrest her at this hour. If I am not arrested by tomorrow morning, I will have to assume that Lewis is either safe or sent to gain more information. I will have to be careful to not give him any names or information he could use against the rebellion.
“Now, Freya, who do you think should have those children?” asked the male voice.
She let out a sigh and thought for a moment. “With all due respect, sir, I am just a gardener. There is a system in place now for who is chosen for reproduction, and how many children they have. I would prefer to leave that decision in their experienced hands.”
She held her breath, starting to second-guess her plan. Did they really want a puppet, or a leader? If they wanted a puppet, she was playing her part well. If they wanted a leader, she was not sure how to act, or whether she could turn the interview around.
“Who should be sent to the colony world? And how do you think they should be chosen?” asked a female voice.
“Again, ma’am, I think this system is already in place. I think our system of selection for civil duties is done well. I think our testing will show who would be suitable for the colony world and who wouldn’t be. I, for example, lack a sense of adventure. I would rather stay here with the comforts I enjoy. I am sure the screening would show who would thrive in that environment, and who would be better suited to maintain our civilization here. Of course, it would also depend on numbers needed.”
She held her hands interlocked tightly in her lap, trying to hide her trembling. The monitor made the clicking sound again, and so she waited.
“One last question for the night, Freya. Who should govern this colony world?”
“The head of State, of course,” she replied quickly. “If we had two different governments, it would only be a matter of time before we fell back into old habits, if you will. A currency would surely be created over time. We might start out peaceful, but eventually, it would lead to war. The only way colonization is possible is under one government.”
It was the only way it was possible in her mind; she just wasn’t honest about how she intended to lead the people. Either it was one government for both worlds, or the transport device would need to be destroyed, just as the rebellion intended. Her only chance at avoiding conflict was to find a moderate path to appease both sides.
“Thank you for your time and sharing your thoughts with us tonight. We will be in touch when it is time for your next interview.”
Freya nodded to the monitor, and got up to leave the room. She looked back at Victor, and he smiled proudly at her. It looked as though she had done well, and she had to hold onto that belief.
She closed the door, and heard James speak to the monitor. So much of her wanted to listen at the door, but she knew better. That one small act could be enough to get her thrown out of the running if she were caught. She had a job to do, and so she forced herself to return to her apartment.
Once the door had closed, she nearly fell into a crouched position on the floor. The stress and pressure of everything was almost more than her body could handle. She curled up with her back against the door and her head on her knees.
“It went poorly, I take it,” Lewis said.
Freya was so startled, her head hit the door when it snapped up.
“Ouch. Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Lewis moved toward her. He crouched down so he stood in a squat next to her. “I knew you had a meeting, and that I needed to leave, but I didn’t exactly want to.”
“So you just decided to break in?”
He smiled softly. “It’s not really breaking in when you live in an access point to the military underground,” he answered. “If you want me to leave, I will, but I thought you could use someone to talk to.”
Part of Freya was still angry at him for just helping himself to her apartment, but so much of her did want some company. She didn’t indicate for him to stay or to go, which he took as an invitation to sit down beside her.
“So how did it go?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “It was short.”
“Well, that means you either said something so wrong that you have been taken out of the running, or you said exactly what they were looking for, and so they felt no need to continue. Now we just have to figure out which it is.”
Freya laughed. It was not that it was funny; it was more that it felt impossible to decode and find the meaning behind it all. She didn’t know what to think or feel.
“I don’t even want to try right now,” she replied. “I would actually rather talk about you. I know I haven’t seen you much in the last twenty years, but I was a little surprised to see you commit treason. Perhaps you could tell me that story.”
There was a part of her that genuinely wanted his company, but there was also a rather large part of her that was suspicious of him. It was best to get him talking, for him to show his hand, or at least to let her decipher whether his story was real or a cover.
“That is unfortunate. I was hoping to discuss your meeting so we wouldn’t have to talk about me.”
“I am afraid we are at an impasse then.”
He looked away for a moment, and then he gave his head a shake. “All my years of training never prepared me to deal with a woman as stubborn as you.”
“So you accept defeat then?”
“No, I accept our impasse.” He paused. “It is so good to see you.” He sighed as he looked away from her again. They sat there together in silence for a while, until Freya finally caved in, at least a little.
“I have to say, I have been in independent living for so long, it is strange to have a male in my apartment.”
Lewis laughed and looked at her again. “Not all the males in independent living are homosexual. You’re telling me no one ever caught your eye?”
“No, I think that chapter of my life ended a long time ago,” she answered.
The silence hung between them again, and then it was Lewis who gave in. “It ate away at my soul, that’s why.”
Freya looked at him, confused. It was an odd remark to make all the sudden, to give up so easily.
“You win. I’ll talk about it.” He lay down and rested his head on his hands. “I went on that mission with you to find people who were threatening to kill us all. The people we found, they were not a real threat, and I was ordered to torture and kill them anyway. I asked why, and was told it was not my place to ask, so I did it. Everything else I did after that, it just affirmed what I did was wrong. I no longer think the State is trying to keep us safe. I think they are just trying to control everything in order to stay in power.”
He stopped speaking and looked at Freya, as though he was trying to read her thoughts, or at least see what her reaction would be, but her face was void of any expression.
“I think our government needs to change,” he continued. “I have seen too many innocent people die, and for what? If the rebellion just wants a democratic government, or even a more moderate government than what we currently have, is that really so terrible? Why would we even need to still live with the laws that we have in place when the new world opens up?”
Freya laughed. It was not funny, but more dreadfully ironic. “You sound just like Ursa.”
“I know, and I killed her, and it keeps me up at night.” His eyes misted over slightly. “It was keeping me up before I knew that you knew. I don’t know if I will ever sleep again,” he added with a sarcastic laugh. “She was right, and that is why I had to kill her, why the State saw her as a threat. It is time for a new government, but the State doesn’t want to give up their control. I am tired, Freya; I am tired of fighting for a cause that I now know is a lie.” H
e paused again, still waiting for her to react, but she gave nothing away. “Can you ever forgive me? I know it is more than I deserve, but it just kills me that you resent me for what I did.”
Freya sighed. Words failed her.
“Sleeping pills help,” she finally said.
“No, they don’t, actually.” He countered, turning to look at her again. “It helps me to fall asleep, so I don’t have to think about it, but there is no protection from my dreams, and nothing for the dark spot inside my soul that it created when I am awake.”
“Lewis, you were under orders. There was nothing you could have done unless you wanted to be killed yourself,” she finally managed to say.
“I told myself that for a long time. I also added things like I was so much younger back then, so eager to be recognized, to get promoted, so much ego. But the reality is, I should have tried harder. I should have been willing to put myself on the line. Instead, I have been safe, and alone with my misery with nothing but time. The only thing that has kept me going was hoping that soon things would change.” He looked away again.
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