by J. Daniels
“It’s not something I like to talk about.” His eyes study my hand, as it stays flattened against his shirt.
“Ray called you the other night because of your dad, right?”
His hand wraps around my wrist, pulling me off. “Stop.”
“All those times you had to leave me late at night, when you wouldn’t tell me why, it was because of him, wasn’t it?”
“Tessa, stop.” He releases his grip on me, almost repulsively, as if he can’t stand his skin against mine. “This shit is none of your business. I’m not going to talk about it with you.”
“Why? Let me help you. I want to be there for you.”
“No.”
I grab his hand, pressing, molding us together. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this by yourself.”
“Stop! What the fuck?” He wrenches his hand away. “I just told you I’m not going to talk about it. I can’t, okay? I will never talk about this with you.”
I flinch at his words as if he’s just delivered them with a knife to my chest. As soon as I take a step back, he reaches out for me, his eyes softening with remorse.
“Tessa…”
“No! Fuck you, Luke! I’m done. I’m so fucking done with this.”
I storm away, not bothering to look back when he calls out for me. The tears stream down my face as I bypass the elevators and enter the stairwell.
He’s just confirmed my biggest fear, the one I was almost certain of. He’ll never talk about this with me. Never.
I’m the one standing on the other side of that door, begging him to let me in.
I force myself to keep moving when I want to collapse onto one of the steps. I want to curl up into a ball, shield myself away from anyone and everything around me. When I finally step out on the bottom floor, my phone rings.
I almost don’t look at it. I know it’s him, but something has me reaching into my pocket and pulling out my phone. A number I don’t recognize flashes on the screen and I step to the side of the main entrance before lifting it to my ear.
“Hello?” I answer, brushing off the tears on my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“Tessa?”
I recognize Mason’s voice immediately. “Yeah.”
“Are you all right? You sound like you’re crying.”
I lift my head, looking out into the main lobby of the hospital, letting my eyes follow the crowd of people. “No, I’m okay. What’s up?”
“I really wasn’t planning on calling you this soon. I was going to at least wait a day, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about you.”
I let myself smile. “That’s not a bad thing.”
“Good, ’cause I wanted to see if you’d go out with me sometime this week. What are your plans?”
I open my mouth to respond, but Luke’s face breaks through the crowd and finds mine instantly. He’s walking toward me with purpose, his face a blank canvas that I can’t read.
“Tessa?”
I grip the phone tighter as Luke steps up in front of me.
You’re done with him. Let him go.
“I’d love to go out with you,” I reply, watching as the mouth in front of me slowly drops open. His eyebrows set into a hard line as he stares at the phone in my hand, but I don’t let that stop me. “Actually, one of my best friends is celebrating his birthday tomorrow night at McGill’s Pub. Do you know where that is?”
“Yeah, on Calvert Street, right?”
“That’s the one. If you want to pick me up, say around seven-ish, you could go with me.”
Luke steps closer, and I turn, keeping my phone out of his grasp in case he tries to snatch it.
“All right. Text me your address and I’ll pick you up.”
“Okay, I’ll send it to you later. I gotta go.”
“Cheers, babe.”
I end the call and turn back around, running straight into Luke. “What?” I step to the side to get to the entrance but he moves with me.
“Did you just invite another guy to Reed’s party?”
“Yup.”
“What the fuck? I thought we were together?”
Now it’s my mouth that’s dropping open. I jab my finger into his chest, digging in until my knuckle cracks. “We aren’t anything. Maybe we were something over the weekend, or ten minutes ago, before you told me you’ll never talk to me about the shit you’re going through, but not anymore. I can’t do this. I will never be okay with what we had last summer again, and if you have a problem with me bringing a date to Reed’s party, then I suggest you stay the fuck home.”
I turn to walk away but he grabs my arm, spinning me back around. “I still want you.”
“You can’t have me,” I growl up at his face. “Let me go.”
“I can’t.” He pulls me into him, sliding his hand around my neck. “I can’t let you go, Tessa. Please, don’t ask me to do that.”
I shove him off me before I lose it, before I break completely. “I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. Let me go, Luke.”
I walk out of the hospital, leaving him and the pleading look he’s giving me, because I can’t stand to see it anymore. It’s the look I pictured him having last night when I locked him out, causing me to second guess my decision, and it has the same effect on me now as I walk away from him.
The pain is unbelievable, but I ignore it. It has to be this way.
“Man, these cuffs are too tight. They’re diggin’ into my skin.”
I look up from the plastic bag I’m searching through, leering at the piece of shit who Ben and I just busted for selling a dime bag in front of the local high school.
“Shut the fuck up before I make them tighter.”
“I’d listen to him if I were you,” Ben says, rounding the front of the car and dropping the hoodie we took off the guy next to the bag. “He’s in a shit mood today, and I wouldn’t care if he used excessive force on your dumb ass.”
The asshole spits in the direction of Ben, but misses him by a long shot. “Fuck you, pig. I know my rights.”
“No, man.” Ben steps up in front of him, waiting until the guy looks up from where he’s perched on the curb. “You’re the one who’s gonna be getting fucked. Not me, and I got pull down in Jessup. If you spit at me again, I’ll make sure they put you in with the big boys.”
“There’s nothing else in here,” I say, balling up the plastic bag and grabbing the sweatshirt off the hood. “Did you find anything in this?”
“Just a wad of cash. It’s on the front seat.”
“Man, motherfucker, that’s my money. You know I’m gonna be gettin’ that back.” He makes a “tsk” sound while shaking his head. “If I wasn’t in these cuffs, shit.”
The last spec of tolerance I have left vanishes, and I drop the hoodie before hauling him to his feet. “If you weren’t in these cuffs what, motherfucker? What would you do?”
“Luke.”
I ignore Ben, keeping one hand on the handcuff chain and pulling down until this asshole squeals.
“Fuuuck! Shit, man! Shit!”
Ben grabs the guy’s shoulders and pulls him out of my grasp. “I got him. Grab his stuff.”
I pick up the hoodie and ball it up as Ben puts him in the back of the car. He shuts the door, slowly lifting his head, and I ready myself for the fucking lecture I know I’m about to get.
“What the fuck?”
I move to the driver’s side door, avoiding his stare. “Like you haven’t done the same thing to assholes like that, or worse.”
“Yeah, if they’re being combative. If they’re just running off at the mouth, we ignore it.”
I meet his stare over the top of the car. “What do you want me to say?”
He stretches his arms out on the roof, his hands interlocked together. “Maybe it would be a good idea if you skipped Reed’s party tonight.”
I set the hoodie on the roof, keeping a fist around it. “That’s a shit idea. Wherever Tessa is, I’m going.”
“She’s bringing a da
te, man, and the way you’ve been acting today, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see that. I’ll be fucking pissed if I have to arrest you, but I will if you start something.”
The tension in my body settles at the base of my neck. Reaching back, I rub out the knot that’s forming. “You know, there was a time last year when Mia wanted nothing to do with you. But she was yours, and there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do about that.” He nods once, leaning back a little. “You think it’s any different for me? You think just because I don’t make a fucking announcement at Rocky Point that Tessa isn’t mine? Maybe I’m not as honest about my feelings as you always were with Mia, but that doesn’t change the fact that being around your sister makes it hard for me to fucking breathe.” I open the driver’s side door and toss the sweatshirt on the seat. “I’m going tonight. I don’t give a shit if it’s a good idea or not, and you know damn well if this was last summer, and it was something involving Mia, nothing would’ve stopped you from going.” I lift my eyes to him just in time to catch the smirk twist across his mouth. “What?” I ask, one hand gripping the door while the other flattens on the roof.
He laughs before opening his car door. “Now I really don’t think you should go.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know exactly what I would’ve done last summer, and it would’ve been you pulling me off whoever Mia showed up with.” A look of understanding passes between us before he seems to realize how pointless this lecture is. He runs a hand down his face. “You know this is your own damn fault, right?” He waits until I look up before he continues. “Either let her in or let her go. This in-between shit isn’t fair to her.”
He gets into the car while I stare blankly across the roof. The tension that had settled at the base of my neck is now coiling between my shoulder blades, tightening into an unforgiving knot. My muscles begin to feel stressed as I think about how tonight is going to play out. I don’t handle jealousy well, and I know my first reaction to seeing Tessa with another guy is going to be me tearing her away from him. Maybe I can try something different; give her some piece of me to distract her from grinding salt into the wound in the center of my chest. Show her how fucking good this is, how good it always used to be before she decided it wasn’t enough.
Let her in or let her go.
Neither one of those options work for me. So this has to.
***
We drop the mouthy prick off at the detention center before heading to the precinct to finish up some paperwork. I drop my ticket book on my desk and catch the blinking light on my phone, indicating a voice message.
“You want some coffee?” Ben asks as I take a seat.
I look up at him after entering the voicemail code. “Yeah, thanks.” Leaning back in the chair, I press the receiver to my ear and wait for the message to begin playing.
“Evans, this is Captain Kennedy. I spoke with Meyers the other day and he told me he offered the detective position to you I have available. Just wanted to see where your head is at in all this. I’m hoping to get a decision out of you soon, otherwise I’m going to have to offer it to somebody else. I heard Jacobs is also interested. Call me when you get a minute.”
The message ends, and I grip the receiver harder.
Fuck. The job. I forgot all about it. Last week I was ready to leave Ruxton and every memory I have of it without hesitating. I don’t want to deal with my father’s shit anymore. Who knows if he’ll even take the doctor’s advice and seek help to sober up? Failing liver or not, he loves his drink, and like he said, it’s the only thing that helps take his mind off my mom. I’ve made it clear to him that I’m not bailing him out anymore, and if he gets arrested for anything, I’m letting it happen. But I know that won’t stop the phone calls from coming.
And Tessa, that’s a whole other issue. I’ve let go of all the anger I had last week that made this decision easy. The anger that had me wanting to put more distance in between us, because being in the same town wasn’t doing me any good. But now I no longer feel anything besides the one emotion she’s always evoked from me, and I don’t need to ask myself if I could leave Tessa, because I already know the answer to that.
A beep rings through the phone, leading me to the next message.
“Yeah, it’s me.” My dad clears his throat, masking the incessant beeping of the machine he’s hooked up to. I can’t remember the last time he called me, and I don’t think he’s ever called my direct line at work before. I didn’t even know he had that number.
“I just wanted to tell ya I’m thinking of putting the house up for sale. I need the money. This shit isn’t cheap, and…”
I delete the rest of the message before slamming the phone down.
Un-fucking-believable.
He’s out of money. That asshole has already burned through my mom’s life insurance policy with his habit. Why else would he need to sell the house? I never knew how much money he got from her death. I never saw any of it, but it seemed to be enough to keep him from working. Not that he’d be able to hold a steady job, being intoxicated twenty-four hours a day. But now that money must be gone. All of it, and he’s going to sell the biggest memory I have of her to keep up with his habit.
I guess he’s made his decision. Not even a death wish will stop him from drinking.
“What’s up?”
I raise my head to Ben’s voice before leaning back in my chair. He places the paper cup down in front of me and walks behind his desk.
“Nothing,” I reply after taking a sip, letting my eyes lose focus amongst the papers in front of me. Several minutes of silence pass between us before Ben begins typing on his keyboard. I pull the coin out of my front pocket and begin turning it over in my hand, studying the words on the one side.
The typing stops, then more silence, before he speaks. “How long is he going to be in the hospital for?”
“The doctor told me just a few days. They are waiting for some tests results to come back before they release him.” I run my thumb along the triangle in the center of the coin. “Like anything else is going to make a difference.”
“What do you mean?”
I nod toward the phone on my desk. “He’s made up his mind. He told me yesterday in the hospital that he can’t stop drinking, and now he just told me he’s going to sell his house ’cause he’s out of money. Can you believe that?” I look over at Ben, propping my ankle up on my knee. “That asshole is actually going to sell the house he shared with my mom, just so he can pay for his booze.”
“He’s not worried he could die if he keeps it up?”
“You kidding? He thinks it’s funny.”
Ben shakes his head before tipping back his paper cup. He swallows before continuing. “I’m sorry, man. At least if you take that job, you won’t have to be around to watch him kill himself.”
“I don’t know if I’m going to take it.” I watch as he sets the cup down on his desk and turns his body completely toward me, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “What?” I ask at the sudden undivided attention.
He tilts his head. “You wanna know what I think you should do?”
“I don’t know why you’re asking me, ’cause you’re going to tell me anyway.”
His face hardens. “Fuck you. I was going to say I don’t think you should go.”
The coin goes still in my hand. “What?”
“You heard me. You’ve got too much shit here, Luke. I know you try and act like you don’t care about your dad, but you obviously do. You’ve always gone to the bar to stop him from drinking, or wherever the hell he is when someone calls you. He’s your dad. He may be the worst one on the fucking planet, but he wasn’t always like that.”
“He’s not the reason why I wouldn’t take it.”
“Yeah, and then there’s that,” Ben replies, leaning back and grabbing his cup. He looks down at the contents, a loud exhale escaping him before he continues. “You two have a lot of shit you need to work out. I’ve
told you how I felt about it, so I’m not going to sit here and lecture you. But if you left…” He seems pained as his eyes slowly lift to mine. “I can handle my sister being sad over you, but I don’t want to see what that would do to her.”
I feel my hand slowly tighten around the coin.
I don’t want to see what that would do to me.
“Plus,” he continues, dropping the serious tone and replacing it with the one I’m used to hearing as he looks past me, “I’d prefer to keep my partner. He’s an asshole, but at least I’m not stuck with Jacobs.”
I swivel my chair to see CJ walking into the precinct, his dickhead partner trailing behind him. CJ looks how you’d expect a person to look if they were stuck in a car all day with Jacobs. Irritated and spent. Ben laughs quietly behind me as CJ nods in our direction, while Jacobs can’t seem to decide whom he wants to give a dirtier look to, Ben or myself. I prop my feet up on the corner of my desk and scratch my cheek with my middle finger.
“Dick,” Jacobs addresses me as he walks in front of the desks.
I almost forget what smiling feels like until my lips twitch in the corner.
It’s a good feeling, and after Tessa leaves with me tonight, I’ll be doing more of it.
***
I’d gotten to McGill’s early, beating everyone and claiming a stool at the bar. I know what it feels like seeing Tessa with another guy, and the effects are already beginning to set in as I pick at the label on the beer I’ve been nursing for the past half hour. I’m trying to stay somewhat calm, but my eyes are glued to the door and every time it swings open, the air in my lungs gets stolen from me. As another group of women step inside, I pinch my eyes shut and reclaim my breath.
Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down, Evans.
“You want another beer?”
My eyes flash open and connect with the bartender. I lift my nearly empty bottle and nod. “Yeah, thanks.”
He sets another Coors Light down in front of me just as a hand slaps me in between my shoulder blades. I look over as Reed grabs the stool next to me.
