by E. L. Todd
Hawke opened the door with the same disinterested look on his face.
“Ugh.” I shoved him hard in the chest and forced him back inside his apartment. “You changed the locks?”
“I needed to.” He was calm, talking to me like he was bored with the conversation before it even began.
I threw my key on the ground. “Because of me?”
“I told you we were done.”
This was unbelievable. One little bump in the road demolished our relationship? We couldn’t get through this together? “Hawke, we were stupidly in love just last month and now you’re telling me we’re over?”
“Yes. We’ve been over.”
“Because…?” I couldn’t be patient anymore. The smartass girl inside me came out. “Because a tragedy that has nothing to do with either one of us happened? So, if the stock market crashed, we would have broken up too?”
“You know exactly why. Don’t play dumb.”
“I have to play dumb to be at your level.” Insulting him wouldn’t help but I was insane at the moment.
“I’m exactly like him—”
“No. You. Aren’t.” He sounded like a broken record. “Stop saying that. It’s not true.”
“But it is. I’m not good enough for you, and I’ll never be good enough for you.”
“You know what? That’s actually true.”
His eyes narrowed.
“Because you’re treating me like shit right now. You’re hurting me when I’ve done nothing but support you through this difficult time. Now you’re breaking my heart when I did nothing to deserve it. You’re digging your own grave, Hawke. You’re sabotaging our relationship for no reason. You think you don’t deserve to be happy, so you purposely make yourself suffer.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, still hiding his true self behind his mask. “No, I’m not.”
“Hawke, have you ever hit me?”
“Yes.”
“That incident two years ago doesn’t count.”
“Yes, it does.”
Tears of frustration burned in my eyes. “You’re nothing like either of your parents. You’re strong, compassionate, and the most loving person I know. Don’t let your hate mask that.”
He looked out the floor-to-ceiling windows, the Christmas tree still in the corner even though it was February. “I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you again. I was weak and made a rash decision.”
“You mean, you loved me and wanted to be with me. That’s rash?”
“I knew nothing had changed. I knew I was still a monster. But I was selfish and I did it anyway.”
“Hawke, I wish you understood how ridiculous you sound right now.”
He kept staring out the window.
“Hawke.” I begged him with just the word.
He wouldn’t look at me.
“You’re being selfish by acting this way. Knock it off.”
“I’m not going to change my mind about this.” He turned back to me and glanced at the boxes on the ground. “Take your stuff and go.”
This couldn’t be happening.
“I made sure everything was in there so you don’t have to come back.”
I hated this. “Have you slept with anyone since we ‘broke up?’” I stared him down and hoped he wouldn’t give me the wrong answer. If he did…I wasn’t sure what I would do.
“The answer doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
He kept his arms across his chest.
“Hawke, you better answer me.”
“No.”
The answer washed through me in the form of relief.
“But that doesn’t mean anything. Please take your stuff and go.”
This was the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. “You told me you wouldn’t hurt me again. You promised me, Hawke.” Somehow, I stopped the tears falling from my eyes. This man hurt me again, and now I felt stupid for giving him the opportunity.
He closed his eyes like something finally penetrated that stone exterior. “I know…”
“Then don’t do this to us.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t.”
He covered his face with his palms and took a deep breath. Then he slowly pulled his hands down, grief written all over his features. “Don’t make this harder on either one of us.”
My hands were starting to shake. “I gave you another chance because you promised me.”
Now he wouldn’t look at me again.
“You begged me to take you back because you loved me, because we would get it right this time. And now you’re leaving me over something that isn’t even true?” I steadied my voice and filtered out the sorrow. I refused to give him the satisfaction of stabbing me in the heart all over again. If he was really going to do this to me, then he didn’t deserve my sadness. I only allowed the anger to get through. “Hawke, when I walk out that door, that’s it. I’m never coming back.”
He stared at the ground.
“I don’t care what you say or what you do. If you ever want me back, I’ll never give you another chance. I will move on with someone else and I will forget about you. This isn’t a bluff.”
His words came out as a whisper. “And that’s exactly what you should do.”
He was making me do the one thing I didn’t want to do, but I didn’t have another choice. I eyed the boxes on the ground, comprised of the stuff I left there over the past year. “I’m not taking any of that. If you’re ending this like a coward, then toss it out with the garbage—just like you’ve done with me.”
Moving On
Francesca
Instead of being devastated like last time we broke up, I was oddly numb. He’d been treating me like shit for the past months, so I had more time to process this betrayal than the last time.
Vividly, I remembered exactly what happened with our last break up. He left, and I spun out of control. My grades plummeted and I barely scraped by with a C average. I quit my job at The Grind because I couldn’t get myself to go to work. Axel covered my bills because I couldn’t support myself. I was a ghost around the house, haunting every corner and every room. There was no life in me anymore. My entire purpose for living had disappeared.
And when his absence became too much, I took Marie’s bottle of painkillers and decided to end it then and there.
It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
I woke up in the hospital to my brother crying. Marie too. Without realizing it, I turned suicidal. It was the darkest time of my life and I was disappointed in myself for losing everything I worked so hard for. I almost left my brother completely alone in the world.
And I never forgave myself for it.
I couldn’t go down that path again. I couldn’t let Hawke’s departure ruin my life. What kind of person would I be if I let the same guy ruin me twice? I would lose all respect for myself.
I wasn’t going to spiral out of control again.
No.
Hawke and I were a fairytale. Somehow, I fell more in love with him when we got back together than when we were together for the first time. Perhaps it was because our relationship lasted much longer. To have that taken away was the most painful thing I’ve ever known.
But I couldn’t let it get to me.
He completely destroyed me last time, and I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction again. No guy could treat me like that and expect me to cry over him.
No fucking way.
It didn’t matter what Hawke was going through. His treatment of me was completely unacceptable. I wouldn’t make excuses for him—not this time. He obviously wasn’t man enough to handle a real woman—someone who gave him everything he could ask for.
This time, I held my head high and kept my back straight. This time, I didn’t let the weight strike me down. This time, I would survive without a scar.
***
“What?” Marie couldn’t process what I said. “I just…what?”
Axel sat beside h
er, brooding in silence.
“We’re done—for good.” Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt to say those words. I lost all respect for Hawke after he treated me like that, especially after everything I did for him.
“I just…how can that be possible?” Marie was just as worked up over it as I was. She encouraged Hawke to win me back in the first place. I bet she wished she’d just left it alone now.
“He’s not the same person anymore.” Losing his mom and watching his dad die permanently changed him. The man I fell in love with wouldn’t have let me go for any reason—so I could only assume he was dead. And he wasn’t coming back. “Maybe one day we can be friends—probably acquaintances—but we’re never getting back together.”
“I should kill him.” Axel massaged his knuckles like they were already sore just from thinking about it.
“No.” That wouldn’t solve anything. “He’s not worth it, Axel. If anything, it’s my fault. I gave him another chance when I shouldn’t have. I should have turned my back and kept walking. I shouldn’t have broken up with Kyle.” I shook my head. “It was all a big mistake.”
Axel continued to rub his knuckles. “I can’t believe this…a few weeks before he was going to—”
Marie elbowed him in the stomach. “Get you a dog.”
“A dog?” I asked. “Why?”
“You know, as a pet,” Marie said, her voice high-pitched. “It seemed like he was going to take your relationship to the next level.”
I didn’t want a dog until I had a house first. But that was a conversation Hawke and I never had. “Good thing he didn’t. I would be stuck with it.”
“I just…” Axel shook his head. “I really can’t believe this.”
It was hard to wrap my head around it—but I had four weeks to prepare for it. “Axel, I don’t want you to stop being friends with him. Please don’t do that.”
“How can I not? He’s a fucking asshole.” He stared at me in disbelief.
“Because Hawke is in a dark place and he needs someone there for him—you.”
He shook his head like that was never happening.
“Axel, what happened between him and I shouldn’t affect you. They are completely different relationships.”
“But—”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “Besides, I don’t care enough for you to stop talking to him. If you act like everything is normal, then he’ll realize he didn’t get to me. I’m not taking this break up like last time. I’m too good to put up with that bullshit.”
Marie sighed in relief. “Really? You’re okay?”
“I’ll be fine,” I answered. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Because if you aren’t, it’s okay.” Axel looked at me with concern in his eyes. “We were there. We know what the two of you had. It’s okay to be devastated. This break up came out of nowhere and no one could prepare for it. If Marie left me like that…I wouldn’t be able to go on.”
Marie’s eyes softened.
“Axel, I’m really okay.” Maybe I wasn’t okay right that second but I would be—eventually.
They both remained on the couch, staring at me like they expected me to explode in a raging ball of fire.
I didn’t blame them for not believing me, not when they’d seen me in the hospital after I got my stomach pumped. They had every right to be doubtful. “Don’t worry. You’ll see.”
Drifting
Francesca
I focused on the shop and the annual Manhattan cake-decorating contest. I won twice in the past two years, and I was eager to compete again. A design came to my mind when I was asleep one night, so I worked on perfecting it when I had downtime at work.
I never thought I would be so grateful for the insanely loud noise of the bakery. The sound of people ordering a dozen cookies for a party, the blenders going on and off, and the constant beep of the cash register was soothing. It distracted me from unwanted thoughts.
I got back into shape and started running again, jogging through Central Park after I got off work. I’d never run in a marathon before but I signed up for my first. It was approaching next month, and I was making great progress.
Staying busy kept the sadness away, and whenever Hawke entered my mind, I wouldn’t allow the thought to linger. I quickly changed the subject and thought about something else, usually the shop or my new fitness goals.
Not once did I run into Hawke anywhere. I suspected he would come into the bakery after a few weeks of silence. Eventually, he would wake up and realized the grave mistake he made.
But he never did.
In my heart, I wanted that moment to happen. I wanted him to beg me to take him back just so I could tell him off. But I suspected I wouldn’t be strong enough to do that.
It was fun to fantasize about it anyway.
Business was always good, but it reached a new level after The New York Times ran an article about it. Since things were going so well, I decided to get a bigger apartment in a nicer area. I moved to the east side and got a nice view of the bay. It was a farther walk to work, but that didn’t matter to me.
Axel and Marie constantly checked on me, making sure I didn’t have a slip-up. They both made excuses to come by my apartment and spend time with me even though I knew they’d rather be having dinner alone together. On the weekends, they always asked me to tag along with them, not that I needed their pity. I started going out with friends of my own.
But I never started dating.
As much as I wanted to be ready for that, I wasn’t. I promised myself to hold my head high and refused to let Hawke’s absence weigh me down, but I couldn’t force something that wasn’t ready to happen. It wouldn’t be fair to any of the guys I dated, to be with someone who was hung up on someone else.
But I knew Hawke was sleeping around.
I didn’t need to see him to know it was true. He would go back to what he did before, and as ashamed as I was to admit it, it broke my heart. The idea of him being with anyone but me was excruciating. Those thoughts hurt me the most and I did everything I could not to think about them.
It was hard to believe I was so happy just a few months ago. Hawke gave me a beautiful locket and told me we were forever. We made love by the fire and promised ourselves to one another.
And then it was gone.
Did it really happen?
Was that just a dream?
Was I experiencing nostalgia? Did I believe the past was better than it really was? Were we really in love? Were we really soul mates? If we were, how could he do that to me? Was I just a stupid, hopeless romantic?
Now I questioned everything.
Maybe none of it happened.
None of it was real.
It meant nothing.
Time Heals All Wounds
Francesca
Six months had come and gone, and for the first time in forever, I was happy.
I didn’t have to force myself not to think about Hawke. No longer did I stare at my phone and hope for a text message. Now, I didn’t bother watching the store window in the hope he might pass by.
I let it go.
It was unclear if what we had was real. It was impossible to know if it ever meant anything to either one of us. Since it didn’t matter. I stopped thinking about it.
I held my head high the entire time, and every day, it got easier. Now I didn’t have to remind myself to be strong. I just did it on my own, naturally.
After I got off work, I headed to the bar where I was meeting Marie for a drink. I quickly changed into a sundress with a jean jacket so I wouldn’t look like the Pillsbury Doughboy when I walked inside.
She had a table in the corner, and when she waved me over, her wedding ring glittered in the light.
“Hey.” I gave her a quick hug before I took the seat across from her. “Dude, the cute bartender better bring me a drink ASAP.”
“Actually, the bartender is a chick.”
“Oh.” I glanced at the bar and spotted the brunette. She had an
enormous rack. “Well, she is cute.”
Marie laughed then pushed her cosmo toward me. “You can start on mine. I’ll order another.”
“Sounds like a sweet deal—because you’re still paying for this one.”
She rolled her eyes then got the bartender’s attention. She ordered another cosmo for herself then stared at me, a big smile on her lips.
“What?” I asked. “Had a good day?”
“Not particularly.” All her teeth were still showing.
“Then…are you high?” I didn’t realize Marie was into that.
“No.” She tapped my wrist playfully. “It’s just nice to see you happy.”
My heart skipped a beat at her words, and my previous joy deflated from my body. “I’ve been happy for a long time now.” There was no need to bring up the past. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
“I know. It just makes me happy.” She took the drink from the bartender and took a drink. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”
I changed the subject. “How’s the magazine?”
“Good. These really hot guys modeled for us the other day. I’m not even in the fashion department but I watched anyway.”
“Axel must have been jealous.”
“Like I’d ever tell him. He’s the most jealous guy I’ve ever been with.”
“He’s just in love with you,” I reminded her. “Before you came along, he didn’t care about stuff like that.”
“I know. He’s still a girl about it though.”
I clanked my glass against hers. “You said it, sister.”
We both took a deep drink then slammed our glasses on the table.
“How’s the shop?” she asked.
“Great. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and…I think I might open a second one. Maybe in Brooklyn.”
“Oh my god.” She slammed both hands on the table. “That’s so great, Frankie.”
“I know.”
“Watch out. You’re going to be in Forbes soon.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, Elton John, Morgan Freeman, Taylor Swift…and then me.”
“Hey, it could happen.”
