Matthew poured himself a cup of coffee and slumped down in the chair in front of the fireplace. He’d been awake all night trying to decide what he needed to do. Now that the sun was up, he was still as confused as he’d been after catching that brief glance of Rani yesterday.
One minute he wanted to charge up the steps of the Martin cabin and tell her she wasn’t going to marry anybody but him. The next minute he berated himself for such thinking. She’d made her decision to marry David Brann. That had to mean she loved him.
But what if she didn’t? He shook his head and jumped to his feet. She had to love David if she’d promised to marry him. He slammed the coffee cup down on the table he’d built and strode to the door. There were chores to be done, and he couldn’t waste any more time trying to decide what he needed to do.
He stormed down the front steps of the cabin, stuck his hat on his head, and rounded the corner of the cabin. The sight of the chimney stopped him in his tracks. Could it be possible that she had only agreed to marry David because she thought Matthew had quit loving her? If so, he had to let her know that wasn’t the case. That he would never stop loving her—not until he took his final breath.
Matthew spread his palms on the bricks Rani had made and leaned his weight against the structure that reached from the ground to high above the roof. “God,” he whispered. “Tell me what to do. I’m afraid of losing her, but I’m afraid to go to her and tell her how I feel.”
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? The psalm he’d read a few nights before drifted into his mind.
Matthew inhaled and straightened to his full height. The fear he’d felt a moment ago had vanished, and he knew he had to see her. If she rejected him, he would be all right. The Lord was now the strength of his life, and with God’s help he could face whatever life threw at him.
Rani wrapped the shawl around her shoulders and stepped onto the front porch. The crisp morning air did little to clear her head after a sleepless night. Being back home in familiar surroundings should have relaxed her, but for some reason she’d lain awake most of the night, her mind in a whirl.
Perhaps it was bridal nerves. She’d heard all women had them before they married. In fact, Josie had told her she hadn’t slept for weeks before she married. Rani’s heart lurched, and she sank down in one of the porch chairs. Of course, Josie probably hadn’t slept because she was marrying a man she didn’t love.
The door opened, and her mother stepped onto the porch. “I thought I heard you get up. Don’t you want some breakfast?”
She shook her head. “In a little while. When did Stephen and David leave?”
Her mother chuckled. “Hours ago I’m sure. You know Stephen likes to get an early start. They should be back any time now. What are you doing out here?”
Rani smiled and pulled her shawl tighter. “I wanted to sit on the porch for a while and, as Granny would say, ‘soak up them mountains.’ ”
Her mother laughed and sat down beside her. “I never tire of it either. The first time I saw the view from the Cove of those peaks, I knew this was where I wanted to live.” She shook her head. “Of course, I fought against it until it was almost too late.”
Rani swiveled in her chair to face her mother. “I know you love Poppa and you wouldn’t trade your life for anything. But have you ever thought how different your life might have been if you had gone to New York to school instead of staying here?”
“I’ve thought about it, and thanked God a thousand times He helped me see what was best for me. New York didn’t have anything to offer like what I found here. We don’t have much money, but I have a husband I love, a family I’m proud of, and friends who trust me to treat their loved ones. I could never have found such a rich life in New York.”
“And now I’m going to New York. Not the big city, but a small town.”
Her mother reached over and patted her hand. “I never thought my daughter might end up there. I’ll miss you.”
Tears filled her eyes. “I’ll miss you too.”
Her mother leaned closer. “But you can have a good life there, Rani, if you really love David. Do you?”
Rani pulled her hand away. “Why do you keep asking me if I love David? I’ve told you how I feel.”
“No, you haven’t. You’ve talked about how much he loves you, what a good person he is, how great your life will be working with him, all the money he has—all of those things. But you have never said to me you love him so much you hurt when you’re away from him. You don’t talk about how you want to make him happy. It’s all about what he’s going to do for you.”
Tears filled Rani’s eyes. “Mama, I love you and Poppa, but we’re poor. We live in a remote mountain valley with only the bare necessities for life. Out there in the world there are all kinds of wonders waiting for me, and David can give me all that. Don’t you want me to have a life with all the things you never had?”
Her mother stared at her for a moment before she shook her head. “I’m your mother, and of course I want you to have a comfortable life. And you’re right about your father and me being poor. But I’m more concerned with you missing out on what I’ve had.”
“What’s that?”
“The great love your father and I have shared. It can’t be one-sided, Rani. It has to be shared. I couldn’t care less about what’s in the outside world. All I want is the love that I’ve experienced inside the walls of this little mountain cabin. If you don’t have that, it won’t matter how much money you have or how many people buy your artwork. You will end up living a miserable life.”
Rani jumped to her feet and whirled to face her mother. “I won’t be miserable. I will be happy. You’ll see.”
Her mother pushed to her feet and stared over Rani’s shoulder. “Tell that to the man riding into the yard.”
Rani turned and gasped at the sight of Matthew sitting tall in the saddle on his horse. His gaze didn’t waver from Rani’s face as he approached the porch. When he pulled the horse to a stop, he glanced at Anna.
“Good morning, Anna. I’ve come to talk to Rani. Do you mind?”
“Not at all,” she said. “I’ll be inside if you need me.”
When she’d disappeared into the house, Matthew climbed down and tied his horse to the tree at the corner of the house. Then he slowly walked up the steps toward her.
Rani wanted to run—to hide—but she felt glued to the spot.
She held her breath as he walked closer.
Chapter 20
Matthew climbed the steps without taking his eyes off Rani In the nine months since he’d seen her she had grown even more beautiful. She regarded him with a steady, confident stare that told him she was no longer the young girl who had captured his heart. During her absence she had acquired the self-assured demeanor of a woman who possessed the ability to face whatever problems came her way.
She didn’t look the same either. Her long, dark hair was pinned on top of her head, not loose around her shoulders like he had always liked. The memory of how she’d looked with a crown of mountain laurel blooms washed over him, and he stumbled on the last step.
Regaining his balance, he stopped in front of her and took off his hat. “Hello, Rani.”
She clasped her hands in front of her, pursed her lips, and gave a slight nod. “Hello, Matthew.”
“I hear you’re getting married.”
“I am.”
He glanced toward the front door. “Where’s your fiancé? I’d like to meet him while I’m here.”
“He’s not here right now. He and Stephen went hunting this morning. Did you ride over here to meet him?”
He took a deep breath. “No, I came to see you. Do you mind if I talk to you?”
She arched an eyebrow. “Have you come to pay a social call on the daughter of two of your dearest friends?”
“No, I came to see the woman I got to know last spring when I came back to the Cove.�
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She lifted her chin and glared at him. “I’m afraid that woman doesn’t exist anymore.”
He held his hat in front of him, and he gripped the brim with both hands. “I’m sorry to hear that. She was very special to me.”
Her eyes widened. “If I remember correctly, she was so special that you threw the love she gave you back in her face and walked away. You wanted nothing else to do with her and told her so in no uncertain terms.”
He swallowed. “I know I did, Rani, and I’m sorry about that. If you only knew how many times I’ve regretted what I did, you would know I hurt like I had a knife in my heart.”
She blinked and started to say something. Instead she shrugged. “Good. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one suffering.”
He threw his hat in one of the chairs and took a step closer to her. “I’m trying to talk to you, Rani, and you’re making it difficult. Please at least be cordial while I tell you why I’m here.”
She frowned. “Why are you here?”
He took a deep breath. “I’m here because I’ve spent the last nine months trying to deal with my past. I thought if I could ever forgive myself for all the things I’m so ashamed of, I might be worthy of you. I’ve lived for the day when you’d come back so I could tell you how sorry I am I hurt you. But I did it for your own good, Rani. You deserved somebody better than me.”
She straightened her shoulders. “I told you I only wanted you, Matthew.”
“I know, and I made a mess of everything like I always do.” He reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders. “But I’m a different man now, Rani. Your father helped me see how much God loves me and how He wanted to forgive me. Now I’ve forgiven myself also, and I feel like I can have the kind of life I’ve always wanted.”
Her lips trembled. “Then I’m happy for you, Matthew.”
His fingers tightened on her shoulders. “But it’s no good without you,” he rasped. “I’ve never quit loving you, and I need you.”
She shook her head. “No. Don’t say that to me. I’m going to marry David.”
“Do you love him?”
“I’ll be happy with David.”
He gritted his teeth and glared at her. “But do you love him?”
“Let me go.” She twisted free from his grip. “I’m going to have a wonderful life with him.”
“What makes you think you can have a better life with him than you can with me right here in the Cove?”
Her face grew red, and she frowned. “He’s a wonderful man who happens to have a lot of money, and we share a love for our work. He can help me get my pottery sold all over the world. And we’ll lead an exciting life. I won’t live among hillbillies on a dirt farm in the middle of the nowhere.”
Her words hit him like a slap in the face. “Hillbillies? Dirt farm? Where did those words come from? Have you changed so much that you think the people who live here are ignorant and not as good as you? If so, I suppose I’m the worst of them all.”
“If I think you’re the worst, it’s because that’s what you told me the day you walked away from me. I’m not good enough for you, Rani, you said. Well, I went out and found a man who is good enough for me.” She spat the words at him.
Anger boiled up inside of him, and he clenched his fists at his sides. “It sounds to me like you found him at the expense of losing everything you held dear before you went away.”
“What are you talking about?”
He waved his arm in an arc. “The mountains, Rani. When I came home, I couldn’t believe I’d found someone who loved these hills as much as I did. You were ready to take on the biggest lumber company in the state to protect the land you loved. Now it’s dirt farms and hillbillies to you. What happened to you while you were gone?”
Her chin trembled. “Nothing happened to me. I still love the Cove, but there’s a big world out there. I want to be a part of it. I’ve outgrown this valley.”
He shook his head in disgust. “Outgrown it? The truth is you’re not worthy of it anymore.”
She gritted her teeth. “How dare you talk to me that way!” she hissed.
He stared at her for a moment before he groaned and raked his hand through his hair. He grabbed the post of the porch and stared at the mountains in the distance. Then he took a deep breath and turned back to her. “I didn’t come here to fight with you, Rani. I came to let you know I’m a different person.”
The anger on her face slowly dissolved into sadness. Tears filled her eyes. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, Matthew. It seems we always end up fighting, and my mouth takes over before my brain can stop it. We bring out the worst in each other at times. David and I never disagree on anything.”
Matthew picked his hat up from the chair, shoved it back on his head, and nodded. “I think our disagreements were good for our relationship. You’re a strong-willed woman, Rani, and you need someone to tell you when you’re wrong. I was never afraid to do that. I doubt if you’ll like living with someone who agrees with everything you do and say.”
“I’m sorry, Matthew,” she whispered. “It’s too late for us.”
“It’s not if we love each other.” He took a step toward her, but she shrank away from him.
“I can’t. I promised David, and I can’t hurt him.”
“But you can hurt me?”
Tears flowed down her face. “Please, don’t do this to me. Just go.”
He nodded. “All right, I’ll go.” He walked to the porch steps, stopped, and glanced back. “I’ll pray you have a happy life, Rani. I’ll never quit loving you.”
Matthew trudged down the steps and walked to his horse. When he was in the saddle, he glanced back. She still stood where he had left her, but she didn’t move as he turned the horse and guided him to the road.
Matthew glanced up at the sky as he headed toward home. “Thank You, Lord, for helping me get through that. I’m gonna need You an awful lot from here on out. It’ll be hard, but I know You’ll be there.”
He dug his heels into the horse’s side and galloped away from Rani.
Rani stared after Matthew until he’d disappeared down the road. Then she walked back into the house. Her mother and Granny glanced up from where they sat at the kitchen table as she walked in.
“Where’s Matthew?” her mother asked.
“He left.”
Her mother and Granny exchanged quick glances before Granny frowned. “Child, are you all right?”
She nodded. “I think so.”
Her mother pushed to her feet. “Do you want to talk about your conversation with Matthew?”
She burst into tears and covered her eyes with her hands. Her mother ran to her side. “Rani, what is it?”
Her body shook from deep sobs, and all she could do was shake her head. She collapsed against her mother and wrapped her arms around her waist. “Oh, Mama. It’s not fair. Just when I’m about to be married, Matthew shows up and says he still loves me.”
“I knowed that, darlin’,” Granny said. “That boy’s been like a sick puppy ever since you left. I ain’t never seen nothing like it. But the question is, how do you feel about him?”
Rani pulled back from her mother and stared at Granny. “It doesn’t matter. I’m going to marry David.”
Her mother’s eyes grew large. “It matters a lot. You should only marry David if you love him.”
Granny nodded. “And if you love David, then it ought not to make no dif’rence to you what Matthew says.”
“But if Matthew loved me, why did he break my heart?”
Her mother shook her head. “I can’t tell you why Matthew acted the way he did. All I know is that he thought it was for your own good at the time. Remember—he said it after Wade Campbell had been pointing a gun at you.”
Rani wiped her tears away and sat down at the table. “Last night you told me that Matthew might have turned his back on me because it wasn’t God’s will and that He might have had something better in mind for me.”
Her mo
ther nodded. “Yes, and I believe that’s true.”
“So, you’re saying that God had Matthew turn away from me so I could meet David and marry him?”
“No, Rani, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what do you mean?”
Her mother slipped into the chair next to her and clasped Rani’s hands on top of the table. “When you met Matthew, he wasn’t ready to have a life with any woman. He had too many problems from his past to overcome. But you fell in love, and he probably would have wanted to marry you, but you would have been miserable living with all his anger and guilt.”
Granny leaned across and patted Rani’s hands. “And you were dif’rent too, Rani. All you did was rant about the lumber companies and make folks mad tellin’ them how they was disloyal to their friends. And you didn’t have no confidence in yourself when it came to your artwork. You go off to Maryville, and you come back a confident young woman who’s done had an art show in Knoxville. Matthew’s not the only one changed. You are too.”
Her mother squeezed her hand. “Maybe that’s what God wanted. He had to work on both of you before He could let you be together.”
“But how do I know for sure what God’s will is for me? I’m afraid I’ll do the wrong thing.”
“It’s not always easy to know,” Granny said. “You know the story of the prophet Elijah in the Bible. When ole Queen Jezebel wanted to kill him, he ran away ’cause he was so scared. God told him to go up on a mountain, and He’d tell ’im what to do. Elijah went up there, and God sent a wind and a earthquake and a fire. But God didn’t speak to him in those things. He spoke to Elijah in a still, small voice. Then Elijah knew what God wanted him to do.”
Her mother put her finger under Rani’s chin and turned her face toward her. “Maybe you need to quit protesting too much that you don’t know God’s will and listen for His still, small voice inside your heart. He’ll let you know what you should do.”
“You think I’ll really know?”
“I do,” her mother said. “And when He speaks to you, don’t think about how either Matthew or David are going to feel. You do what God tells you is the right thing.”
Mountain Homecoming Page 27
