XI
THE GENTLE ART OF BOOSTING
The Idiot was very late at breakfast--so extremely late, in fact, thatsome apprehension was expressed by his fellow-boarders as to the stateof his health.
"I hope he isn't ill," said Mr. Whitechoker. "He is usually so prompt athis meals that I fear something is the matter with him."
"He's all right," said the Doctor, whose room adjoins that of the Idiotin Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog's Select Home for Single Gentlemen. "He'll bedown in a minute. He's suffering from an overdose of vacation--restedtoo hard."
Just then the subject of the conversation appeared in the doorway, paleand haggard, but with an eye that boded ill for the larder.
"Quick!" he cried, as he entered. "Lead me to a square meal. Mary,please give me four bowls of mush, ten medium soft-boiled eggs, a barrelof saute potatoes, and eighteen dollars' worth of corned-beef hash. I'llhave two pots of coffee, Mrs. Pedagog, please, four pounds of sugar, anda can of condensed milk. If there is any extra charge you may put it onthe bill, and some day, when the common stock of the Continental HenTrust goes up thirty or forty points, I'll pay."
"What's the matter with you, Mr. Idiot?" asked Mr. Brief. "Been fastingfor a week?"
"No," replied the Idiot. "I've just taken my first week's vacation, and,between you and me, I've come back to business so as to get rested forthe second."
"Doesn't look as though vacation agreed with you," said theBibliomaniac.
"It doesn't," said the Idiot. "Hereafter I am an advocate of therest-while-you-work system. Never take a day off if you can help it.There's nothing so restful as paying attention to business, and nogreater promoter of weariness of spirit and vexation of your digestionthan the modern style of vacating. No more for mine, if you please."
"Humph!" sneered the Bibliomaniac. "I suppose you went to Coney Islandto get rested up, bumping the bump and looping the loop, and doing a lotof other crazy things."
"Not I," quoth the Idiot. "I didn't have sense enough to go to somequiet place like Coney Island, where you can get seven square meals aday, and then climb into a Ferris-wheel and be twirled around in the airuntil they have been properly shaken down. I took one of the FourHundred vacations. Know what that is?"
"No," said Mr. Brief. "I didn't know there were four hundred vacationswith only three hundred and sixty-five days in the year. What do youmean?"
"I mean the kind of vacation the people in the Four Hundred take,"explained the Idiot. "I've been to a house-party up in Newport with somefriends of mine who're 'in the swim,' and I tell you it's hard swimming.You'll never hear me talking about a leisure class in this countryagain. Those people don't know what leisure is. I don't wonder they'realways such a tired-looking lot."
"I was not aware that you were in with the Smart Set," said theBibliomaniac.
"Oh yes," said the Idiot. "I'm in with several of 'em--'way in; so farin that I'm sometimes afraid I'll never get out. We're carrying a wholelot of wild-cats on margin for Billie Van Gelder, the cotillon leader.Tommy de Cahoots, the famous yachtsman, owes us about eight thousanddollars more than he can spare from his living expenses on one of hisplunges into Copper, and altogether we are pretty long on swells in ouroffice."
"And do you mean to say those people invite you out?" asked theBibliomaniac.
"All the time," said the Idiot. "Just as soon as one of our swellcustomers finds he can't pay his margins he comes down to the office andgets very chummy with all of us. The deeper he is in it the more affablehe becomes. The result is there are house-parties and yacht-cruises andall that sort of thing galore on tap for us every summer."
"And you accept them, eh?" said the Bibliomaniac, scornfully.
"As a matter of business, of course," replied the Idiot. "We've got toget something out of it. If one of our customers can't pay cash, why, weget what we can. In this particular case Mr. Reginald Squandercash hadme down at Newport for five full days, and I know now why he can't payup his little shortage of eight hundred dollars. He's got the money, buthe needs it for other things, and, now that I know it, I shall recommendthe firm to give him an extension of thirty days. By that time he willhave collected from the De Boodles, whom he is launching in society, C.O. D., and will be able to square matters with us."
"Your conversation is Greek to me," said the Bibliomaniac. "Who are theDe Boodles, and for what do they owe your friend Reginald Squandercashmoney?"
"The De Boodles," explained the Idiot, "are what are known as climbers,and Reginald Squandercash is a booster."
"A what?" cried the Bibliomaniac.
"A booster," said the Idiot. "There are several boosters in the FourHundred. For a consideration they will boost wealthy climbers intosociety. The climbers are people like the De Boodles, who have suddenlycome into great wealth, and who wish to be in it with others of greatwealth who are also of high social position. They don't know how to dothe trick, so they seek out some booster like Reggie, strike a bargainwith him, and he steers 'em up against the 'Among-Those-Present' gameuntil finally you find the De Boodles have a social cinch."
"Do you mean to say that society tolerates such a business as that?"demanded the Bibliomaniac.
"Tolerates?" laughed the Idiot. "What a word to use! Tolerate? Why,society encourages, because society shares the benefits. Take thisespecial vacation of mine. Society had two five-o'clock teas, four ofthe swellest dinners you ever sat down to, a cotillon where the favorswere of solid silver and real ostrich feathers, a whole day's clam-bakeon Reggie's steam-yacht, with automobile-runs and coaching-trips galore.Nobody ever declines one of Reggie's invitations, because what he hasfrom a society point of view is the best the market affords. Why, thefloral decorations alone at the _fete champetre_ he gave in honor of theDe Boodles at his villa last Thursday night must have cost five thousanddollars, and everything was on the same scale. I don't believe a centless than seventy-five hundred dollars was burned up in the fire-works,and every lady present received a souvenir of the occasion that cost atleast one hundred dollars."
"Your story doesn't quite hold together," said Mr. Brief. "If yourfriend Reggie has a villa and a steam-yacht, and automobiles andcoaches, and gives _fetes champetres_ that cost fifteen or twentythousand dollars, I don't see why he has to make himself a booster ofinferior people who want to get into society. What does he gain by it?It surely isn't sport to do a thing like that, and I should think he'dfind it a dreadful bore."
"The man must live," said the Idiot. "He boosts for a living."
"When he has the wealth of Monte Cristo at his command?" demanded Mr.Brief.
"Reggie hasn't a cent to his name," said the Idiot. "I've already toldyou he owes us eight hundred dollars he can't pay."
"Then who in thunder pays for the villa and the lot and all thosehundred-dollar souvenirs?" asked the Doctor.
"Why, this year, the De Boodles," said the Idiot. "Last year it wasColonel and Mrs. Moneybags, whose daughter, Miss Fayette Moneybags, isnow clinching the position Reggie sold her at Newport over in London,whither Reggie has consigned her to his sister, an impecunious Americanduchess--the Duchess of Nocash--who is also in the boosting business.The chances are Miss Moneybags will land one of England's most deeplyindebted peers, and, if she does, Reggie will receive a handsome checkfor steering the family up against so attractive a proposition."
"And you mean to tell us that a plain man like old John De Boodle, ofNevada, is putting out his hard-earned wealth in that way?" demanded Mr.Brief.
"I didn't mean to mention any names," said the Idiot. "But you'vespotted the victim. Old John De Boodle, who made his sixty milliondollars in six months, after having kept a saloon on the frontier forforty years, is the man. His family wants to get in the swim, and Reggieis turning the trick for them; and, after all, what better way is therefor De Boodle to get in? He might take sixty villas at Newport and notget even a peep at the divorce colony there, much less a glimpse of themonogamous set acting independently. Not a monkey in the Zoo would dinewith the De Boodles,
and in his most eccentric moment I doubt if TommyDare would take them up, unless there was somebody to stand sponsor forthem. A cool million might easily be expended without results by the DeBoodles themselves; but hand that money over to Reggie Squandercash,whose blood is as blue as his creditors' sometimes get, and you can lookfor results. What the Frohman's are to the stage, Reggie Squandercash isto society. He's right in it; popular as all spenders are; lavish as allpeople spending other people's money are apt to be. Old De Boodle, eggedon by Mrs. De Boodle and Miss Mary Ann De Boodle (now known as MissMarianne De Boodle), goes to Reggie and says: 'The old lady and my girlare nutty on society. Can you land 'em?' 'Certainly,' says Reggie, 'ifyour pocket is long enough.' 'How long is that?' asks De Boodle, wincinga bit. 'A hundred thousand a month, and no extras, until you're in,'says Reggie. 'No reduction for families?' asks De Boodle, anxiously.'No,' says Reggie. 'Harder job.' 'All right,' says De Boodle, 'here's mycheck for the first month.' That's how Reggie gets his Newport villa,his servants, his horses, yacht, automobiles, and coaches. Then heinvites the De Boodles up to visit him. They accept, and the funbegins. First it's a little dinner to meet my friends Mr. and Mrs. DeBoodle, of Nevada. Everybody there, hungry, dinner from Sherry's, bestwines in the market. De Boodles covered with diamonds, a great success,especially old John De Boodle, who tells racy stories over the_demi-tasse_ when the ladies have gone into the drawing-room. De Boodlevoted a character. Next thing, bridge-whist party. Everybody there.Society a good winner. The De Boodles magnificent losers. Popularitycinched. Next, yachting-party. Everybody on board. De Boodle on deck infine shape. Champagne flows like Niagara. Poker game in main cabin. Foodeverywhere. De Boodles much easier. Stiffness wearing off, and so on andso on, until finally Miss De Boodle's portrait is printed in nineteenSunday newspapers all over the country. They're launched, and Reggiecomes into his own with a profit for the season in a cash balance offifty thousand dollars. He's had a bully time all summer, entertainedlike a prince, and comes to the rainy season with a tidy littleumbrella to keep him out of the wet."
"And can he count on that as a permanent business?" asked Mr.Whitechoker.
"My dear sir, the rock of Gibraltar is no solider and no morepermanent," said the Idiot. "For as long as there is a Four Hundred inexistence, human nature is such that there will also be a million whowill want to get into it."
"At such a cost?" demanded the Bibliomaniac.
"At any cost," replied the Idiot. "Even people who know they cannot swimwant to get in it."
The Genial Idiot: His Views and Reviews Page 12
