“Weekends can be difficult,” said Vivian, just as the silence was beginning to feel really uncomfortable. “Especially if—”
“Oh, I’ve got the worst pain,” said Sally-Ann suddenly, interrupting her. She grabbed her side, moaning. “It’s really bad, right here…”
“Just take a few deep breaths,” said Vivian calmly.
Sally-Ann tried to breathe in a couple of times but it only seemed to make things worse. “It’s no good,” she cried, her voice high and panicky. “I can’t breathe; I can’t take a proper breath. I need to get out of here. You’ll have to call my mum! You’ll have to tell her I’m not well!”
She scraped her chair back and stumbled towards the door.
“I’ll just be a moment,” said Vivian to me and Kieran. “Wait for me here.”
She helped Sally-Ann out of the room and closed the door behind her.
“What are you drawing?” said Kieran as soon as she’d gone. “You and Daddy on the lake? You and Daddy having a lovely day out?”
He made it sound as if I was two years old and going out with my dad was the most babyish thing a person could do. I coloured in the “T” on NIGHTMARE. This was a nightmare – being stuck in a room with Kieran Black.
“Make sure you put a nice sun in the sky,” he went on. “It was such lovely weather yesterday, remember?”
I stopped colouring and looked up. I think Vivian was right. Something about me saying I’d gone out with my dad had really got to him. He was using the same mocking voice he always used, but he was leaning forward, his fists clenched on the table, his eyes blazing with pent-up anger.
“I wasn’t out on some perfect day with my dad if you must know,” I said, getting angry myself. “We were only at the lake for a token treat! He doesn’t even know I exist at the moment!”
He stared down at his stones. It was impossible to know what he was thinking. It was probably the most he’d ever heard me say.
“And my nan’s buried in Banner Road Cemetery,” I blurted out, before I could stop myself. “Just by the big weeping willow.”
His head snapped up.
“So?”
I didn’t know what to say then. My heart began to thump in my chest. I couldn’t believe I’d stood up for myself, spoken to him like that, spoken at all. No one ever stands up to Kieran Black. I tried to think of some way to explain – something about Nan – but my mind had gone completely blank.
Just at that moment Vivian came back in. “Poor Sally-Ann. I’ve taken her to the medical room.”
“W…was she okay?” I said, relieved to see her.
“Oh, I’m sure she’ll be fine. Anyway, I’m afraid we’re going to have to finish for today, but I’ll see you both on Thursday.”
Kieran got up and walked out without saying a word.
“I get in a panic sometimes, like Sally-Ann,” I said to Vivian when he’d gone. “It’s like there’s this bird trapped in my chest, beating its wings really fast and I get this lump in my throat, sort of blocking it up so I can’t get the words out…” I hesitated for a moment. It was the first time I’d confided in Vivian. The first time I’d told her how I was actually feeling. Maybe standing up to Kieran had given me that extra bit of courage I needed.
She smiled, encouraging me to carry on. I wiped my palms on my skirt. “It’s just, well, it’s just my mum keeps telling me how unhealthy it is for me to bottle things up, as if I’m choosing to be like that, but I can’t help it, especially when I’m talking to her…”
“How do you mean?” said Vivian.
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I…I…want to talk to her more but she’s so worried about my little brother Charlie, I think she just expects me to be okay.”
“What’s the matter with your brother? Is there a particular reason she’s so worried?”
“Um…he was born very premature – nearly three months early. He was so small they didn’t think he’d survive the first night and then even when he came home he was still really ill and…” I took a breath, the words tumbling out now I’d started. “…and it was scary. He’s okay now except his legs are still quite weak and it makes him walk funny, sort of clumsy, like his knees go in and his feet go out.”
Vivian considered this for a moment. “That must’ve been a very anxious time for all of you, especially for you, Maddie. You must’ve wondered what happened to your safe little world – what happened to the mum you had before Charlie was born.”
Tears pricked my eyes. I got why Charlie needed extra care and attention but it was still difficult sometimes. It still felt as if Mum loved him more than she loved me. Maybe that was the real reason I missed my nan so much. I never felt second-best with her.
Vivian reached out to touch my arm. “I was just wondering, Maddie, if those panicky feelings are hiding other feelings you find too painful to think about.”
“What, you mean feelings about my mum?”
“Maybe, I don’t know. We can talk about it more on Thursday if you like, but you’d better get going now, you don’t want to be late for your next class.”
I’d almost forgotten about Kieran but he was waiting for me as I came out of the Blue Room. He yanked me away from the door and down the corridor, pulling me round to face him. “Why did you say that, about your nan’s grave?” he said, blocking my way.
“N…n…no reason,” I stammered. “Let me past.”
He shook his head. “Not until you tell me.”
I opened my mouth and closed it again, the words trapped in my throat.
Kieran tightened his grip on my arm. “Come on. You wouldn’t have said it for nothing…”
“It’s just there was a man there and he, he…smashed a bottle. I think he was drunk. That’s all. N…n…now let me go or I’ll be late.”
I pushed against him, but he didn’t budge. The bird was back, beating its wings so hard it hurt. He was such a bully. I didn’t care if it was his mum who was buried in the cemetery; I just wanted him to leave me alone. I couldn’t believe I’d actually started to feel sorry for him.
“I mean it, Kieran, let me go!”
I thought he was going to hit me for a minute, he looked so angry, but then suddenly he started to blink really fast.
“Just don’t tell anyone about the drunk man,” he hissed.
Our faces were so close they were almost touching.
“Okay! I won’t…I…I…wouldn’t!”
He stepped to the side and I stumbled past him and down the corridor, too scared to look round in case he was following. The man had to be his dad. He had to be. Why else would he say that? Why would he care?
Chapter 11
Somehow I managed to avoid Kieran for the rest of the day but I was still feeling shaky when I got to art. I kept remembering the way he’d pushed his face into mine, threatening me not to tell anyone. It was too late to unsay what I’d said – he knew I’d seen the man smash the bottle.
I was supposed to be working on my portrait of Gemma – I’d finished her hair and just made a start on her eyes – but I couldn’t stop thinking of Kieran’s eyes, furious one minute, blinking back tears the next.
“Hey, did you see Mrs Turner’s baby?” said Gemma, nudging me to get my attention. “She brought her in to show everyone during registration. She was so cute; she had this big pink bow in her hair.”
I shook my head.
Mrs Turner is one of the school secretaries – the friendly one who doesn’t mind how many times you lose something or forget to return letters and permission slips.
“I wish you’d seen her, Mads. I put my finger in the pram and she grabbed hold of it. I couldn’t believe how strong her little fingers were. I…I…” She turned away suddenly as if she didn’t want me to see her face.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing!”
“Come on, Gem. What’s wrong?”
She reached down to get a tissue out of her bag, still hiding her face from me.
“Nothing, I’
m fine,” she said, but I could tell she was crying from her voice.
“Is it something to do with Mrs Turner’s baby? Why are you so upset?”
Just then Mrs Morris came over to look at our portraits. Gemma scraped her chair back and sprang up.
“I’m sorry but I’m not feeling very well,” she muttered. “Can I go and get some fresh air?”
She grabbed her bag and ran out without waiting for an answer.
“That’s not like Gemma,” said Mrs Morris. “Is she okay?”
I shrugged, wondering what was going on. “I’m not sure. I think she was upset about something but she wouldn’t tell me…”
Gemma didn’t come back for the rest of the lesson. I figured she must’ve gone home. I tried texting her after school but she didn’t text back. I didn’t see Kieran either. I was worried he might be waiting for me outside school, that he might follow me down Banner Road and threaten me again. I hung around in the playground for ages, frightened to leave, wishing Gemma was with me, but there was no sign of him.
I decided to ask Mum about it later. I was sitting in the kitchen, struggling through my French homework while she got dinner ready – some sort of weird salad with pears, cheese and walnuts. I didn’t have a clue how much she’d tell me about Kieran’s family, but I was convinced she must know something.
“Mum, you know the nurture group?” I said as casually as I could. “Well, I know I said I wasn’t going back, but I did in the end. I’ve already had two more sessions…”
Mum glanced up. “Yes I know. I spoke to Mrs Palmer this morning…”
“Oh, right. You didn’t say…”
“I’m not checking up on you, Maddie. I was just worried. How are you getting on anyway?”
“Okay, I suppose. I like Vivian, she’s really nice. So do you remember I told you about a boy called Kieran Black? How he’s in the group too…”
“Hmmm?”
“Well, his mum isn’t dead, is she?”
Mum looked up again.
“It’s just…I was walking through the cemetery this morning and I noticed there was a grave near to Nan’s grave with the name Samantha Black written across it, and I remembered that you said you used to know his mum…”
“Listen, Maddie, I wasn’t joking when I said you were spending too much time at the cemetery…”
“What’s that got to do with anything?” I said, frustrated. Why did she have to keep going on about the cemetery? “I just want to know about Kieran’s mum.”
“Has Kieran talked about her in the nurture group?”
“No, not really…I was just wondering…” I trailed off, not sure what else I could say. I didn’t want to mention the stones or the drunk man.
Mum carried on slicing the pears as if she was deciding what to say next. She’s always so careful if it’s got anything to do with work.
“It is his mum’s grave, Mads,” she said after a bit. “She died nearly two years ago in an accident. It was a hit-and-run, late at night. It was in the paper. They never caught the person who did it.”
“Oh, that’s so sad!”
Mum nodded. “I know; it was awful. I didn’t know her that well, we weren’t close friends or anything, but I knew who she was…”
“Is that why his dad goes to the clinic? Did her death make him start drinking?”
“Is that what Kieran’s told you?”
I shook my head. “He hardly says anything in the group. It was you who told me. Well, you said something about working with his family. I thought you meant his mum but now…”
“Come on, Maddie,” she cut in. “You know I never talk about my patients at the clinic. Kieran’s been through a really tough time, and I’m sure things are still difficult for him, but I’m not going to discuss his dad with you so please don’t ask me again, okay?”
I shrugged, dying to know more.
“I mean it, Maddie. Not another word. Now can you please get Charlie in from the garden? It’s time to eat and he’s been out there for ages.”
Charlie was on the patio, right in the middle of a full-blown commentary.
“…what a pass and now it’s Charlie Wilkins on the ball. He’s got real talent, this guy. He runs with it, past one, past two, Wilkins is still going. Unbelievable – the strength in this boy’s legs! The ball is literally glued to his feet. Great skill! Only the keeper to beat now. He shoots! He scooooores! It’s Wilkiiiiiiiiins! Charlie Wilkins wins the game!”
He turned and ran across the grass, sliding onto his knees in celebration. It was nice to see him score the winning goal, even if he was the only one on the team.
“It’s time to come in,” I said when he’d finished. “And wait until you see what’s for dinner!”
I lay awake for ages that night but not because of bad dreams or listening out for Dad. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kieran. Someone had killed his mum. Run her over and then left her there to die. It was too terrible to imagine. Who was looking after him? Who was making sure he was okay? I wondered if he’d gone to the cemetery late last night or early this morning to clear up the broken glass, if that was when he’d left the small pile of stones.
I remembered what he said in English that day, about how wrong it was to separate Stanley from his mum when they sent him to Camp Green Lake.
Kieran had been separated from his mum for ever.
Chapter 12
It was boiling hot the next morning. Dad said it was forecast to be the hottest day of the year so far. I trailed through the cemetery on my way to school, slowing down by Samantha Black’s grave. It felt weird knowing it was Kieran’s mum buried there, to have discovered something so private about him.
Gemma was waiting for me at our usual place. The second I saw her I realized what she’d been talking about when she told me not to laugh. I couldn’t believe it. She’d had her hair cut much shorter, right up to her shoulders, with loads of feathery layers.
“What’s happened to your plaits?” I cried, rushing up to her. “You look like you’ve been on one of those make-over programmes!”
“What do you think?” she said, twirling round. “I had to literally beg my mum. We went to this really trendy hairdresser on the High Street; they do a special price on Mondays. It was so much fun. They brought me a drink in a cocktail glass with one of those little umbrellas and then spent ages talking to me about what style I wanted before they actually cut it…”
“But I thought you were ill yesterday? I thought that’s why you went home during art? You were really upset.”
She shook her head, her smile slipping for a moment. “No I was fine, it was nothing. So do you think it suits me, Maddie? Come on, be honest…”
“It really suits you,” I said slowly, still a bit confused. “Seriously, you look so much older. Are you wearing mascara?”
“Yes and lipgloss, but it doesn’t show that much, does it? I don’t want to get into trouble. I sneaked out the house while my mum and dad were still asleep!”
“Um, it does show a bit, but keep your head down and you might get away with it.”
I kept expecting her to show me her maths homework or our latest English assignment but she only wanted to talk about her hair and her make-up and how much she was looking forward to rounders club – as if they’d cut off her old personality along with her plaits. I couldn’t help sneaking glances at her as we walked down the corridor, an uneasy feeling lodging itself in my stomach. It wasn’t just the new haircut, or the way she kept going on about Nathan. She was hiding something from me, I was sure of it.
There was no sign of Kieran at registration. I found myself watching the door, waiting for him to burst in and disrupt everything. It was probably stupid, but I couldn’t help worrying that something had happened to him, especially if the drunk man really was his dad. A few weeks ago I would’ve been thrilled at the thought of a Kieran-free day, but that was before I knew what he was actually going through.
He didn’t turn up for the rest of that day, o
r the day after. They’re really strict about attendance at Church Vale – Mrs Palmer’s always going on about the direct relationship between attendance and future achievement – but I could hardly remember the last time Kieran had been at school for a full day let alone a full week.
It was unbearably hot at rounders on Wednesday; like being baked alive. Gemma’s make-up was smudged round her eyes like a panda and her hair had wilted. Nathan was captain of our team and he seemed to be taking it very seriously, giving us loads of advice while we were waiting to bat.
“I’m going to make such a fool of myself,” Gemma muttered when he’d finished his pep talk. “I can’t even remember if you’re supposed to drop the bat or take it with you…”
“Drop it,” I said. “Just keep your eye on the ball and you’ll be fine.”
But when she got up to bat she missed by a mile and then threw the bat up in the air, squeaking like a mouse.
“Run!” I shouted. “Just run!” But it was too late, the backdrop threw the ball to first base and she was out.
“Come on, Maddie,” said Mr Skinner as I got up for my turn. “You did really well last week. I know it’s hot, but your team’s counting on you!”
My legs began to feel a bit wobbly when he said that, like he was putting too much pressure on me. I peered across the field, wondering if Nan was there, if she was going to help me again. It was difficult to see anything through the shimmering haze of heat, but I kept my eyes fixed on the exact same spot I’d seen her last time and the same warm feeling filled my belly.
A boy called Scott was bowling. He drew the ball back, swinging his arm round and round as if he was playing baseball.
“Hey, unfair tactics!” Nathan called out. “You’re not allowed to do that in rounders!”
“Just bowl the ball, Scott,” said Mr Skinner. “There’s no need for tricks, thank you very much!”
Scott did one more roll and then let go. The ball flew towards me like a bullet. I concentrated as hard as I could on the thought of Nan standing by the sycamore trees, watching me, making sure I was okay, as I swung my bat and whacked it way over Scott’s head and into the field.
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