by T. J. Klune
“You know,” Ryan said, “with everything that’s gone down—evil wizards, villains, sand mermaids, bad-touching grandmas, jerks named Ruv who never put on clothes like they’re supposed to—I think the fact that Kevin and Gary getting together somehow made them think they’re your parents is still the one thing that baffles me the most.”
“It’s not that baffling,” I assured him. “It’s because Kevin and Gary are the stupidest magical creatures alive. It’s as simple as that.”
“Gary,” Kevin said, “your son is acting up again.”
“Oh really?” Gary snapped. “So he’s my son when he’s being a little asshole, but he’s your son whenever he does something right. Which, admittedly, isn’t very often, but you get my point.”
“If I’d left him in the woods when I first met him, I might not be here right in this moment,” I pondered aloud.
“No,” Tiggy said, and I could hear the frown in his voice. “No, Sam. You found us. We go home with you. We stay with you. Forever. And ever. And ever.”
“Gaaaahhh,” I said. “I can’t even with you. I’m going to give you such a hug when we land, you don’t even know.”
Tiggy was perfectly okay with that.
So Kevin and Gary continued to bicker, and Tiggy started humming to himself. Ryan leaned forward, lips near my ear.
“Bad dream?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged, unsure of how to answer. After all, how do you tell the love of your life that your grandmother and a dragon made of stars had predicted his death? And that was the crux of it, too, because the death could be soon, or the death could be years down the road, but the fact remained that one day, Ryan would die, either at the hands of Myrin or in the cold grasp of age. And either way, he would leave me behind. I was a wizard. My magic wouldn’t allow me to age like a normal person.
Granted, it might not even matter if Myrin got what he wanted, whatever that was. I highly doubted that any of us would be alive for long after that.
“I guess,” I said. “It’s just… everything, you know?”
“I know. The last few weeks have been—”
“Ridiculous?”
“I was going to say trying, but yes, ridiculous works too. But then, most of the stuff that seems to happen to us is ridiculous.”
And that… well. That worried me. More than it should have, given all that was going on. Ever since Ryan and I had met (actually met—not the days where he was Nox and I was a little shit in the slums, not the days when he came to the castle and I pined creepily after him from afar, but the days before Justin was kidnapped by the very dragon upon whose back we now sat), it had been one thing after another. Adventures and villains and plots that made absolutely no sense but still happened anyway—we’d never really had a break. From anything.
And then the icing on the cake was the fact that I was the star of an ancient prophecy involving dragons and an evil wizard who apparently wanted nothing more than to monologue about killing my face.
With all this on our shoulders, I felt like shit for having dragged Ryan into this mess. If he’d never met me, he’d probably be married to the Prince by now, living the life of a knight commander in charge of the Castle Guard like he wanted to, instead of retaining the title but spending more time on the road than in the castle. He’d said once that I inspired him back in the days of the slums to make something of himself, but who’s to say there couldn’t have been another genesis to inspire him? He was meant to do what he did—I believed that with all my heart—and it didn’t have to be me that had motivated it.
The problem with thinking such thoughts was that more and more, Ryan was getting a better sense of my moods, whether I said anything about them or not. It seemed to be a byproduct of being a cornerstone. He helped me to control my magic, allowing me to build upon it, to make it stronger. And in turn, it was like there was an almost extrasensory link between us.
Either that or I still couldn’t keep everything I was feeling off my face. I was really shit about that too.
So when he broke through my self-pitying thoughts by saying, “You’re being stupid, aren’t you,” I wasn’t surprised. By now Ryan Foxheart was fluent in Sam of Wilds, which I loved. Mostly.
“I’m not being stupid,” I said. “You’re being stupid.”
“Yeah, because that was the mature response to go with.”
“You’re a mature response to go with—”
“Sam.”
“Mr. Foxheart.”
He jostled me a little, causing me to sigh and slump back against him, the stars above us beginning to fade with the sunrise. I purposely didn’t seek out David’s Dragon, because I didn’t think the best use of my time was to glare at a constellation.
“You’re being stupid,” he said again, quieter this time. “I know you. I know what you’re thinking.”
“Maybe I think that’s cheating a little.”
“I’m sure you’ll get over it,” he said wryly.
I snorted. “Obviously you don’t know me as well as you think you do if you think I’ll just get over something.”
“Touché. Now I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen and not say a word until I give you the okay. Understand?”
I shivered a little at that. “I’d prefer you not to get all growly while we’re riding a dragon who thinks he’s my stepdad but who also tries to get in my pants on a daily basis. I feel like that would get awkward for everyone. Well. For me and you. Probably Tiggy. The other two probably would get off on that. And now I wish I hadn’t said any of this out loud, because I’ve got a weird taste in my mouth like I’ve just eaten bad eggs.”
“Got that all out now?”
I rolled my eyes. “Shut up. Yes. I’m listening.”
“Lucky me.”
“Motherfucking god of sass, what the hell—”
“I love you.”
I fell quiet.
“And I know that things have been… weird lately. Okay. Things have been weirder. I probably know that better than almost anyone. And I know that a lot has come down upon you. This whole… destiny thing, and yes, Sam, I know you hate that word, but I think it’s important. Because if all of this is real, if all of this means something, it shows that the gods had faith in you, even before you existed. And maybe they’re supposed to remain impartial, but in the end, I don’t believe that. I don’t believe they want to see Verania brought to its knees by some villain. I don’t care if he’s Morgan’s brother. I don’t care if he’s Randall’s cornerstone. I don’t care about the sense of betrayal they must have felt from him. That’s not my concern. That’s not what I care about, at least not right now. Do you know what I care about, Sam? Do you know what my concern is?”
I did, but I couldn’t seem to open my mouth to say it. And besides, I had a feeling the question was rhetorical anyway.
“You,” he said, squeezing me tightly. “You are my concern. You are what I care about. And I know you, Sam. I know you’re probably thinking how much of a cluster this is. That if you hadn’t met me, I wouldn’t have to be a part of this. That I could be living a normal life.”
Godsdammit.
“But did you ever stop to think that I don’t want that?”
Well, no. I really hadn’t.
“I don’t, Sam. This is the life I’m supposed to lead. This ridiculous, wonderful life where we’re now flying on the back of a dragon from one side of Verania to the other to stop a group of Dark wizards from destroying a city filled with pimps and prostitutes and a drag queen named Mama who looks at me like she wants to eat me for dinner. And do you know why I’m doing that? You, Sam. I’m doing it for you. Because I will follow you anywhere. I don’t care if it’s in the castle. I don’t care if it’s tied up in the Dark Woods while a six-inch-tall naked fairy king tries to pretend he’s better for you than me. I don’t care where we go, Sam. As long as I’m with you, I’m ready to do anything. So stop with the mothercracking guilty thoughts. I am here because I choose to be. I
’m here because you are. And there is nowhere else I’d rather be.”
For one of the first times in my life, I was shocked silent.
Gary wasn’t. “You great big bag of assholes,” he wailed from below us. “How dare you say something romantic and sweet and wonderful like that! Who do you think you are, the author of The Butler and the Manticore? Surprise, motherfucker. You aren’t. Here I am, trying to argue with my ex-husband so that he realizes just how much he misses me and apologizes for being a dickhole—”
“I’m not the one who needs to apologize, sweetheart. You were the one who—”
“—how much he misses me and needs to apologize for being a dickhole, but then you just have to go and give me a heart boner. And there’s nothing I can do about it! Do you know why I can’t do anything about it, Ryan? Kevin, lift me up near your shoulder so I can stare right at Ryan and ask him why I can’t do anything about it.” Kevin did, and Gary peered over the dragon’s shoulder at us. “Well? Do you know why, Ryan?”
“Don’t answer, Knight Delicious Face,” Tiggy said. “Trick question.”
Ryan said, “I—”
“Because I’m motherfucking flying through the goddamn air. In case you didn’t notice, unicorns were not meant to fly through the air. I have hooves. Beautifully pedicured hooves that cost me plenty of coin, because Ming Win might be a goddess of her craft, but she is also a thief with how much she charges at her salon. I swear to the gods if there was any other place that I could go to get the same quality of work, I would. And then I would also go back to her salon and light it on fire and burn it to the ground—”
“Gary.”
“Right, right. Sorry. I got distracted. You know how seriously I take my mani-pedis.”
I sighed. “Unfortunately, I do.”
“As I was saying,” Gary continued, sniffling loudly, “Ryan Foxheart, that might have been the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard anyone say ever, and I’ve decided that I officially like you. You’re welcome.”
“Thank you,” Ryan said. Then, “Wait. What do you mean you officially like me? You told me you liked me a long time ago! It was that day on the road when Randall said something about a cornerstone, and you were all full of shit and lying to me. You told me you liked me then.”
“Wow,” Gary said, eyes completely dry. “Someone seems to be hanging on to each and every single word I say like a creeper. Good gods, man. Control yourself. If you wanted to taste the rainbow, you had plenty of opportunities before you acted like a little bitch and waited until you stood in front of a thousand people and admitted you loved Sam while you were about to marry Justin. It’s not like I haven’t seen you checking out my fine ass.”
“You what?” I said, suddenly not choked up anymore. “Dude! That’s my best friend.”
Ryan looked scandalized when I twisted around to glare at him. “I was not checking out Gary!”
“Bullshit,” Gary snorted. “What about that night by the campfire when Tiggy and Sam were asleep and you offered to massage my thighs?”
“Uh, really?” Ryan retorted. “I think your memory might be a little bit fuzzy. Let me help you with that. If you’ll recall, you woke me up by breathing on my face and told me that your flank was hurting from all that walking and, I quote, ‘I need a man with rough hands to come in and soothe the burning in my groin.’”
Gary gasped. “I would never. That makes me sound like some kind of floozy.”
“You a floozy,” Tiggy said. “Little bit.”
“Tiggy Desdemona Bartholomew Jackson! How dare you!”
Tiggy frowned. “That’s not my name. I just Tiggy.”
“Well, now I just don’t know what to believe,” Gary said. “Because of all the lies.”
Kevin turned his head again, fangs a little bared, smoke pouring from his nostrils. “You tried to get up on Gary?” he growled. “And you didn’t even invite me to watch?”
“This was before we knew you,” Gary said, butting his snout against Kevin’s scaly hand.
“Still.”
“Eep,” Ryan said. Then he coughed. “I mean, no. I never tried to do anything with Gary. That’s disgusting.”
“Uh-oh,” Tiggy said.
“You really shouldn’t have said that,” I told him solemnly.
“Disgusting?” Gary asked dangerously. “Just how would it be disgusting, might I ask?”
“Don’t answer that,” I said.
“It a trap!” Tiggy said, sucking in his cheeks till he looked like a fish.
But of course, Ryan was a knight, which meant he had no sense of self-preservation and wasn’t burdened with an abundance of brains. So he said, “That would be like bestiality.”
I groaned.
“Kevin?”
“Yes, Gary.”
“Can you do me a favor?”
“Is it a sexual favor?”
“No, Kevin.”
“Oh. Well. I guess so.”
“Thank you. Can you throw me up on your back so that I might pummel a knight, then use your spikes to impale him until he’s nothing but a bloody, twitching pile of meat and muscle?”
“But of course, Gary.”
“No,” I said. “You can’t do that.”
“But he said it was bestiality,” Gary snarled. “And now I want to show him the true meaning of the word. By being a beast.”
“Gary, bestiality is when a human has sex with an animal.”
“Damn right it is! And I’ll—wait, what? No it’s not. It means to be brutish. Beastly. He was just calling me cruel and ruthless. I would know. I tell people I practice the art of bestiality all the time when I’m trying to seem intimidating. They always run right after that because of how beastly I am. Bestiality.”
“No. They think you’re trying to fuck them.”
Gary scrunched up his face. “You sure?”
“Very.”
“Huh. How about that. That alters many things about my life.”
“It really shouldn’t.”
“You’d be surprised.”
“Can we go back to the part where I told Sam how much I loved him?” Ryan asked. “It was really good.”
“Nobody likes a braggart,” Gary said.
Ryan frowned. “You brag about stuff all the time.”
Gary turned to look at me with wide eyes. “Are you hearing this shit? It’s like he’s obsessed with me. First he wants to massage my thighs and now he’s memorizing everything that I say? Pretty soon he’s going to tell you to put the lotion in the fucking basket and then tuck his penis between his legs, and you won’t be able to climb out of the hole in his basement.”
“Oh yeah,” Kevin said. “I remember when we role-played that. That was… odd.”
Gary ignored him. “Sam, listen to me. Listen. Are you listening?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“Ryan Foxheart wants to get up all in muh shit,” he hissed at me. “It’s my natural sexuality. It just oozes.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said with a grimace. “How can I not want to get all up in the ooze.”
“I’m sure he’ll get over it,” I told Gary. “Now, can you please go away so that I can tell Ryan how awesome he is?”
“Rude,” Gary said. “Kevin, clutch me close. But it means nothing. Remember that. We’re not together, and we’re never getting back together, no matter how much you beg me.”
Gary disappeared back underneath Kevin while the dragon grumbled something sarcastic and biting.
I looked back at my friend behind us. “Tiggy, scary stuff.”
Tiggy put his fingers in his ears and squinted his eyes shut.
I twisted as much as I could, facing Ryan, awkwardly straddling his waist. He looked amused as he watched me. “Still want to follow me anywhere? Ridiculous doesn’t even begin to cover this, as you just saw.”
“I didn’t massage Gary’s thighs,” he said seriously.
“I know.”
“I didn’t even ask to massage his thighs.”
“I know that too.”
“I don’t even think of his thighs—”
“Oh my gods, you are obsessed with him. You ass. I don’t know if this will work out between you and me if you want to fuck my best friend’s thighs.”
He rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”
“My turn to talk, okay?”
“Isn’t it always?”
“Ryan.”
He nodded.
I pressed my forehead against his. “If you say you’re good, I believe you. If you say you want this, I believe you. I don’t know what’s going to happen with this whole destiny thing. I don’t know what’s going to happen with the dragons. Or Myrin. Or Vadoma and Ruv.” His eyes narrowed slightly at the mention of the Wolf of Bari Lavuta, who my grandmother had tried to push as my cornerstone. And who my magic had recognized as having potential. But it didn’t matter. He could never be what Ryan was to me. No one ever would. “And even if I get… stupid every now and then and think stupid thoughts, I know it’s gonna be you and me.”
He tightened his grip on my waist. “I’m going to hold you to that. Even when you’re stupid and think stupid thoughts. Might even have to tell you that you and your thoughts are stupid.”
“You better.”
He kissed me sweetly. My magic sang in green and gold as I tasted his familiarity, his warmth. I would never let him lie upon a cold slab in the throne room. Not if I could help it. Not because of Myrin. Not because of me. He would live until an old age. And I would age right along with him. Somehow. I’d figure it out. I had time. Not much, but it was there. We would get our happy ending. I had made a wish to the star dragon under the desert night sky, and I aimed to see it happen.
Make me mortal. When all is said and done. I will protect my King, this one and the next. I will protect my kingdom. I will do all that you ask, but I want a mortal life for my happy ending. This is my wish.
We flew on toward Meridian City.
