by T. J. Klune
But I wouldn’t know, because I didn’t tell him any of that. Instead I said, “I know you would.”
He sighed but kissed me sweetly.
AND EVEN later in the night, while he was sleeping, his breathing heavy and slow, I lay awake next to him, thinking about everything we’d been through and everything that lay ahead. I knew that forces were massing against us, and if Randall and Morgan were right that Myrin had marked me because he wanted to eat my magic, then the road before us was rocky indeed.
It felt wrong to be splitting up.
But I had to trust that Randall and Morgan knew what they were doing.
I probably wasn’t going to like the conversations Randall and I were going to have, but I’d worry about that tomorrow.
Tonight I was safe and warm and sated, and the man I’d wished upon the stars for was curled next to me, his legs tangled with mine, his face in my neck, an arm thrown over my chest. I felt the thump thump thump of his heart. I felt the warm exhalations against my skin. I felt his hair brushing against my cheek.
Tomorrow, everything would change.
But this night I held Ryan Foxheart in my arms.
“I promise,” I whispered to him. “I won’t let anyone or anything tear us from each other. HaveHeart for life, motherfuckers.”
And then I slept.
“BUT WHAT if you die?” Gary wailed as he stood in front of me. “You know how I feel about you dying!”
“I’m not going to die,” I said, trying not to wince at the sheer volume of Gary’s voice. “I’m going to be with Randall.” We were in front of the Meridian City gates, preparing to go our separate ways. I should have known it wasn’t going to go smoothly.
“But you always say he’s going to murder you in your sleep!”
“That still might happen,” Randall muttered behind me.
“Oh no,” Tiggy said, starting to get upset. “Sam gonna die?”
“No—” I started to say.
“Probably!” Gary cried. “He’ll probably explode or have his throat slit and his blood will spill out upon the snow.”
“Maybe you both should calm down just a little—holy fucking sweet molasses!”
Have you ever been tackled by a gay hornless unicorn who was crying these great big globular princess tears? And after you’ve been tackled by said sobbing unicorn, has the matter ever been compounded when a half-giant decided it was probably a good idea that he join in as well, snot dripping from his nose because said sobbing unicorn was an emotionally manipulative asshole who overreacted about everything?
No?
Just me?
All right, then.
“Oh my gods,” I managed to wheeze as I lay at the bottom of a pile of unicorn and half-giant.
“Is this how it’s going to be for the next month?” Justin asked. “Because I may want to reconsider demanding I be let out of the castle to come help.”
“It’s like this sometimes,” Ryan told him. “But then other times, it’s having your self-esteem shredded by pointedly sharp barbs while Gary breathes heavily into your face.”
“Fantastic,” Justin sighed. “I’m so glad that I told my father a liaison was necessary when dealing with the dragons and the fairy king.”
“You can liaison me all you want,” Kevin said.
“That boat sailed a long time ago,” Justin told him.
“Maybe it should just come back to harbor, then. Set anchor. You could come to my starboard, or I’ll just go to your port.”
“I have no one but myself to blame for this,” Justin muttered.
“Gary,” I gasped. “Your asshole… is sitting… on my hand.”
“I am emotionally compromised,” he moaned. “I can’t be expected to know where all parts of my body are at all times.”
“Don’t die, Sam,” Tiggy wept. “No dying.”
“I’m not gonna die.”
“Oh,” Gary said. “Well, then.” He stopped crying almost immediately. “You should be embarrassed at making such a scene in front of everyone. I mean, if I were you, I know I’d be embarrassed. But this is nice. I feel like we don’t lie on top of each other as much as we used to. You got a boyfriend, I got a husband, you kept said boyfriend while I divorced my husband. But I’m not bitter about that at all. You fucking whore.”
“I love love,” Tiggy said, wiping his eyes.
And maybe my throat was a little tight at the thought of being away from them. Or rather, it would have been if I’d been able to breathe and didn’t have a unicorn’s asshole on my hand.
“I will take Morgan back to Castle Lockes,” Randall said. “I expect this foolishness to be sorted by the time we get back. Sam, be prepared to leave.”
“Maybe we’ll just take him away from here,” Gary said, sounding bitchier than I’d ever heard him before, especially since it was directed toward Randall. Gary might not have always agreed with Randall, but he respected him, especially given Randall’s position.
“I can find you,” Randall said, not unkindly. “Wherever you go.”
“Creepy,” Tiggy whispered to us.
“We’ve discussed this,” Morgan said, trying to smooth things over. “It’s nothing against any of you. It’s a natural part of Sam’s training.”
Well, no. I didn’t think it was. Morgan wasn’t outright lying, per se, but it was stretching the truth quite a bit. I didn’t know why, but I was sure I was going to find out once we got to Castle Freeze Your Ass Off. That was something I wasn’t looking forward to.
“Randall come with us,” Tiggy said wisely. “Could be Epic Adventure of Sam, Gary, Tiggy, Ryan, Kevin, Justin, Randall.”
“Please leave me out of your capitalizations,” Justin said. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you all that.”
“I’ve lived for over six hundred years,” Randall said. “I don’t walk anywhere if I don’t have to.”
“So you’d rather just take Sam with you instead of all of us,” Ryan said, even though I thought he was okay with it. “Taking Sam away from his cornerstone. Taking Kevin’s voice away from him.”
“I want up on your nuts,” I whispered fervently.
Randall and Morgan exchanged a startled look. I didn’t think they’d actually thought about what would happen if I was separated from Kevin.
“I apologize,” Morgan said to the dragon. “We should have considered your bond with Sam.”
“It’s a very deep and loving bond,” Kevin agreed. “But mostly deep. Like that kind of deep when you get that perfect angle and can just thrust your way in and see the bulge in someone’s throat.”
We all stared at him.
He winked at us.
“Sam and I need some time alone,” Randall said.
“Gross,” Gary, Tiggy, and I said at the same time.
“I know what you mean,” Kevin said to Randall. “Congrats to you. Hit that so hard it breaks.”
“Wait,” Ryan said. “What.”
“Wizard to wizard,” Randall clarified.
“You mean wizard on wizard,” Kevin said.
“Gross,” Gary, Tiggy, and I said again.
“Fix this,” Randall growled at Morgan.
“Sam,” Morgan said. “Stand up, please.”
“I’m trying, but Gary won’t get his asshole off my—”
“Please,” Gary sniffed delicately. “Like you’ve never had your hand on my asshole before.”
“Wait,” Ryan said. “What.”
“That was one time,” I said as Gary pushed himself off me. Tiggy pulled me upright, and I sucked in a breath.
“What one time?” Ryan demanded.
“Long story,” I said, brushing myself off. “Involves pixies, an irate bartender, and Gary and I needing to pretend we were boyfriends to escape the clutches of a group of mad nuns.”
“It was my greatest role,” Gary said wistfully. “Too bad Sam here wasn’t believable.”
“Hey! I was so believable.”
“Sam, you w
ere supposed to be madly in love with me. Instead you put your hand on my asshole and told everyone, ‘Yeah, this is my lover who I love with all my love. We do all the sex stuff because I like putting my junk in his butt.’”
“Ew,” everyone said, except for Kevin, who said, “It’s like my dreams are coming true.”
“They believed it,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, for, like, two seconds. Then Tiggy came in and smashed, and I kicked someone in the face, and we ran.”
“All of your stories end like that,” Justin said. “I don’t understand how you’re alive.”
“Wasting my time,” Randall said. “Again.”
Before I could turn his nose into a cock, Morgan took me by the elbow and tugged me away from the others.
“You can’t turn any part of him into a penis,” he said.
“I wasn’t even thinking about that.”
“Sam, I saw the look in your eyes.”
I squinted at him. “I have a specific look in my eyes when I want to turn parts of Randall into penises and you’re familiar with it?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Wow,” I said. “That’s…. I don’t know what that is.”
“I know that the two of you can be somewhat volatile—”
“That might be an understatement if you know my Randall Penis Look, and gods, I wish I hadn’t just capitalized it, because now it’s a thing.”
“—but he cares about your well-being. I need you to listen to him. You may not agree with what he’s asking of you, but he’s doing it for you, Sam.”
I watched Morgan for a moment. “You believe that.”
He nodded. “I do.”
“You still think this is the right thing?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because there are things you’re hiding from us, Sam.”
I felt my face shutter at that. “Really. Funny, that coming from you.”
He put his hands on my shoulders. “You have your reasons. I trust that. But I need you to trust us. To trust him. Nothing good can be gained from keeping secrets from each other. Not now.”
I snorted. “You say that because your hand has been shown and you have nothing left.” I winced, feeling the fight drain out of me. “Shit. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know you didn’t,” he said, but I could see the tightness around his eyes. “But that was fair. I wish….” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter what I wish. Hindsight is there to remind us everything we should have done differently.”
“Sucks.”
The corners of his mouth pulled up slightly. “A little. Randall wants to help you, Sam. He could teach you things, things that even I cannot.”
That made me nervous. “You aren’t trying to pass me off on him, are you?” I said, laughing to try and cover up the feeling of wrongwrongwrong that was worming its way through me.
But of course Morgan of Shadows saw right through that. He always did. He squeezed my shoulders, jostling me softly. “Never,” he said. “You will always be mine. No one, not Randall, not Myrin, no one can take you away from me.”
I hugged him then. I couldn’t not. We weren’t on even footing. In all honesty, it would probably be a while before we were again. But I loved him dearly. Morgan was the first person outside of my parents to believe in me, even if it hadn’t exactly started the way I thought it had.
He made a little noise of surprise, as if he hadn’t expected it.
“You’re still my berry sunshine,” I said, reaching up to pet his face blindly. “Because you smell like berries and sunshine.”
“I don’t know why I put up with you,” he said but only held me closer.
GARY CRIED a little more. So did Tiggy.
Kevin told me that he would miss my sweet, sweet ass, but even his eyes were suspiciously shiny.
Justin rolled his eyes but allowed me to show him what our best friend 5eva handshake would look like, and I threatened to withhold said best friend 5eva friendship if he didn’t learn it completely by the next time I saw him. He didn’t look like he felt very threatened.
Ryan hugged me for a long time. I breathed him in, frantically trying to memorize everything I could about him.
“I’ll be right behind you,” he whispered. “You’ll see. I’ll follow you anywhere.”
We ignored the way I trembled at that.
There was a sharp crack behind us that signaled Randall’s return. I allowed myself another moment to hold on to Ryan before I let go and took a step back.
“It’ll be okay,” I said, overbright and loud. “You guys are acting like we’ll never see each other again.” I picked up my pack from the ground, noticing the way my hands shook. I hefted it up and over my shoulder. I was already wearing a heavy coat lined with fur, courtesy of Mama, who told me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to die in it, and that if I was about to die, I should take it off so it wouldn’t be damaged. “It’s only a few weeks. And hey, I’m getting out the easy way. I don’t have to trudge through the snow to the castle.”
I smiled weakly and was about to turn away from them, not wanting them to see the tears that were threatening to spill. It was only a few weeks, for fuck’s sake. In the grand scheme of things, it was nothing. I didn’t need to be acting like this. I didn’t agree with Randall and Morgan, but I understood their reasons. Maybe it would be good, getting this all out in the open.
But before I could look away, Kevin said, “Sam.”
Godsdammit. I looked up at him, knowing my eyes were wet. There was nothing I could do about that now. But at least I knew I could count on Kevin to say something graphic to defuse the situation.
So when he said, “Don’t go after them on your own,” I was shocked.
“Who?”
“The other dragons. The mated pair. Don’t go after them on your own. Wait until we get there.”
I stared at him curiously and saw a flash of blue behind his eyes, almost like starlight. I wondered if my own reflected the same. “Why?”
“Because you need us,” he rumbled. “It’s safer when we’re all together.”
“He won’t,” Randall said from behind me. “I’ll see to it. Even if I have to lock him away in a tower, I’ll make sure of it.”
And that broke whatever hold Kevin (Was it really? a little voice whispered in the back of my head) had on me. I glanced over my shoulder at Randall, but he only had eyes for Kevin.
I wondered just how much Randall knew.
I thought maybe it was almost time to find out.
I turned back to the others to see Kevin frowning and looking a little dazed. I decided right then and there that the gods were jerks and I was just about done with their meddling.
“I won’t,” I said, because I knew the others needed to hear it from me. “I’m not that stupid.”
Justin snorted. “I wouldn’t go that far.”
Best friends 5eva.
“It’s time,” Randall said from behind me.
It was. I hated it, but the longer we drew this out, the harder it’d be. I swallowed thickly and took a step back away from those I loved most.
“I’ll see you soon,” I said. “All of you.”
Ryan looked like he was going to say something more, but he looked away, jaw tightening, knuckles white on the hilt of his sword.
“I’ll see you soon,” I said again.
And then there was a pull and everything swirled around us and we—
II: Castle Freeze Your Ass Off
Chapter 8: Love Letters and Lesbians
THE FIRST time I went to Castle Freesias, I was sixteen years old.
The year before, when I’d initially met Randall, I’d turned his nose into a dick, because they were pretty much all I thought about. It hadn’t helped that he’d had to officiate at a wedding the next day and couldn’t figure out a counterspell.
He’d pretty much hated me for a long time after that.
But if Morgan had been
telling the truth, he’d also been begrudgingly impressed.
So when Morgan had taken Gary, Tiggy, and me to the North, I was, of course, terrified. Randall, after all, was the wizard of all wizards. He was the one who decided who was put through the Trials, the secretive process that all apprentices were required to complete before becoming full-fledged wizards. He oversaw them too, and it was his decision whether said apprentices passed.
He didn’t pass many people. Or so I’d been told. The Trials hadn’t been held since long before I was born, as wizards were few and far between. It was easier to go the way of the Darks. The rules weren’t as stringent, there wasn’t anyone to tell you that no, you couldn’t do what you wanted with your magic. It was darkly seductive, and while I would never agree with the path they’d chosen, I could see why. You wouldn’t be beholden to anyone. You didn’t need a cornerstone, a person you had to depend on. You didn’t have to jump through hoops that were laid out in front of you seemingly at random.
And there was no one to keep secrets from you.
But I was sixteen years old. I didn’t know anything about secrets then. At least none that mattered.
So when we arrived at Castle Freesias that first time, the only thoughts on my mind were that Morgan was marching me toward my doom and that I’d probably never see the City of Lockes ever again.
It hadn’t helped when I saw the glittering castle made of ice looming in front of us, the tops of which disappeared into low-lying clouds, fat with the promise of an imminent storm. The snow crunched under my feet, the mountains rose like gods around us, and I really wanted to be anywhere but where we were.
“I have a good idea,” I said nervously. “Let’s turn around and go home.”
“I have to agree,” Gary said. “Do you know what this cold is doing to my skin? I’m probably as dried and cracked as a dried-out crack addict.”
“There, there,” Tiggy said, running his thick fingers over Gary’s neck. “Pretty Gary not cracky Gary.”
“Thank you, my love,” Gary said. “It’s good to be appreciated, no matter where we are. Sam, you would do good to remember that. I always need to be complimented when we go someplace new. You know I have a very fragile sense of self.”
