Every Last Breath

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

  “Yes and no. Your body has already grown cold, has it not? But you’re not all the way dead. Not yet, but you will be soon.” She waved her hands, gesturing at the trees. “As I’ve said, you’re in the in-between. When you entered, the bond between us drew me here. When you perish, so will I. Creating you was the risk I took. We were joined, and you were destined for greatness. I thought you would be like me.”

  Now some of what Grim had said made sense, about the danger Lilith created for herself when she created me...naturally. But where was the Lilin? Why wasn’t he here with us?

  Then it occurred to me as I stared at my mother. I had a soul. She had a soul. The Lilin didn’t. When it died, it ceased to exist. Not so for us.

  I guessed none of that really mattered now.

  “Destiny is bull,” I said, my hands icy as I curled them against my palm. I couldn’t feel them. “No one is destined for anything. We control our own fates.”

  “Obviously,” she muttered with another roll of her eyes. “But look at you now, the road you’ve chosen. What do you know of life? Your entire existence was pointless.”

  Behind her, another tree gave way, falling into itself, breaking apart in a plume of dust, and then another and another.

  “Not true.” My legs shook, and I wasn’t sure how long I could remain standing. “I know of friendship. I know of...of love. You know nothing of those things.”

  Lilith flinched and for a long moment she was silent. “That is not true. I did know of love, the purest kind.”

  “Is that so?” I whispered. The sun was gone now, the sky a mottled shade of violet and the grass a crispy brown.

  “Yes.” Her voice was quiet, faraway, and I realized then that I was no longer standing. I was on the ground, and I wasn’t sure I was even there anymore. I knew I was slipping away, for real this time, into nothing and my eyes drifted shut. The last thing I heard was, “When I held you in my arms and you stared up at me, only a few minutes old, I knew the purest brand of love.”

  twenty-nine

  WHEN I OPENED my eyes again, it seemed like only a handful of moments had passed, and I felt out of it, like I’d fallen down some kind of rabbit hole. It took me a few seconds to realize I was staring up at snowcapped branches.

  The sight was really...beautiful.

  Tiny icicles had formed on the ends of the branches and the snow glistened in the sunlight like a thousand white diamonds. Was this heaven? I didn’t think there was snow in Hell or that it would be this pretty. Then again, Roth had said that things were always pretty at first. I’d seen what he’d meant for myself. Pain sliced through my chest, as real as the blade I’d used to kill the Lilin. Roth. God. It hurt to think of him and what he must be going through.

  My fingers were cold.

  So were my toes.

  Wait. My feet were bare? My gaze lowered down the length of my body and I could see the tips of my toes. The blue polish was chipped, and if I was dead and in heaven, I thought at least my nails would look like I recently had a pedicure.

  Except my entire body was cold, way too cold. I exhaled and a misty cloud puffed before my lips. So, I was breathing and I was cold, and I was going to take a leap of logic and go with the idea that I might not be dead, dead.

  Sitting up took effort. The branches surrounding me danced a bit as dizziness washed over me. Snow clung to my hair, to my eyelashes. The sweater I wore was the same one I remembered, stained with my blood. Gingerly, I reached down and tugged up the hem. I sucked in a rough gasp of air.

  There was no wound.

  Lifting my gaze, I let the sweater fall back in place as I looked around. My heart jumped in my chest. Realization kicked in. I stumbled to my feet, swaying unsteadily. I was on the observation deck of the tree house near the Warden compound. A barrage of memories rushed me. Escaping to the tree house when I was a child and got lonely, and the endless hours of Zayne lying next to me, shoulder to shoulder, as we counted stars. But how in the world had I ended up here?

  Then I tugged on the collar of my sweater and I saw Robin’s tattoo. He was curled around my shoulder, and his tail twitched as I studied him. He was here, too. But he hadn’t been on me when I’d left Roth’s place. Had Robin found me somehow?

  I started to jump off the deck, but thought twice. My legs were shaking as I walked across the deck and ducked into the house. The climb down the tree was slow and the snow gave way under my feet when I hit the ground.

  Following the path I’d walked so many times I could do it blind, I slowly made my way toward the house. Whenever my knees started to knock too badly, I stopped for a couple of minutes. Weakness invaded every cell. It was as I imagined having mono felt. All I wanted to do was lie down and nap, then take a longer nap. Except I needed to keep walking, because I... I didn’t know if I was really alive or if this was some kind of weird afterlife or something.

  When the crumbling retaining wall came into view, I almost dropped to my knees. As I dragged my gaze up and saw the mansion, I could barely catch my breath. The detail, down to the broken curb near the front doors, was too accurate to be anything but real.

  The pavement was icy under my feet as I forced myself across the roundabout. I made it to the curb when the front door burst open.

  Nicolai stood there, his handsome face pale as he stared down at me from the top of the steps. “Layla?”

  My throat felt thick. “Hi?”

  He didn’t move, only seemed capable of staring at me, and there was a good chance that I was going to face-plant on the steps. An icy breeze rippled across the entryway, stirring the dark strands of his hair, tossing them across his face.

  Then he moved.

  I tensed and stumbled back as he came down their wide steps, three at a time. Within a heartbeat, he was in front of me, clutching my upper arms. His vibrant blue eyes were wide.

  “We thought you were dead,” he said hoarsely.

  “I’m not?”

  He shook his head. “No, little one. If you’re standing here, you’re not.”

  Confusion swamped me. “That’s...good news.”

  Nicolai choked out a laugh, and my gaze wandered over his shoulder. I saw Geoff standing in the doorway, and Danika was halfway down the steps, her mouth forming a perfect O.

  My gaze swung back to his. “I don’t know what happened.”

  He nodded, and then stepped away so that he stood beside me, curving his arm around my shoulders. “Let’s get you inside and we’ll figure this out.”

  I didn’t argue with him as he led me up the steps and into the blessed warmth of the house. Everything seemed the same as it had the last time I’d been here, right after Abbot had passed, except it felt like years since I’d crossed the threshold.

  Nicolai guided me into the sitting room, the very same one I’d sat in so many times. He placed me on the couch. “I’m going to grab Jasmine.”

  I wanted to tell him that I was okay, but he was gone before I could say a word, and then Danika was there, draping a heavy quilt over my shoulders. I grasped the edges of the quilt with numb fingers. “Thank you.”

  She knelt in front of me, shaking her head. Her mouth opened, and then she rose quickly, backing off. Without even looking up, I knew why she’d retreated.

  Zayne was there, on his knees in front of me. He shared the same awestruck expression that Nicolai and the rest of the Wardens wore. His mouth worked, but there were no words.

  “Hi?” I croaked out again, proving once more that I was the lamest when it came to speaking in general.

  “How are you here?” He grasped my knees, his grip tight as he leaned forward. The fresh winter-mint scent surrounded me, but it didn’t fill me with yearning like it used to. No, now it was like being wrapped in a blanket of familiarity. It was bittersweet, still powerful, yet ultimately no longer the source of my longing.

  “She doesn’t know,” Nicolai answered from the doorway.

  Glancing up, I saw that he wasn’t alone. Dez was there and Jasmine was
brushing past them, heading straight for us.

  “Did you...?” Zayne didn’t take his eyes off me.

  At first I thought he was talking to me, but it was Dez who answered. “Yes. A few seconds ago.”

  Before I could ask what they were talking about, Zayne said, “Layla, what happened?”

  I cleared my throat, figuring it was time for me to actually string together more than a few words. “I don’t know. I met up with the Lilin and I...”

  “You killed him,” he finished for me, his expression tensing. “You killed yourself, Layla.”

  “I had to, Zayne. It was the only way, but I’m not so sure if I succeeded now.” I glanced at Jasmine as she sat beside me on the couch. “I really think I’m okay.”

  Jasmine smiled warmly. “I just want to make sure, all right?”

  “The front of your sweater is covered with blood,” Zayne reasoned. “Let her look. Please?”

  Exhaling slowly, I nodded and let Jasmine check me out as Zayne rose stiffly. He seemed to lean toward me at first, but stepped away. There was a weight on his shoulders that hadn’t been there before as he stood above us. I wondered if it was because he would take over the clan in a few short years, or because of what had happened with us.

  “You killed the Lilin,” Zayne said after a moment. “The Alphas told us that the Lilin was dead. They pulled back—no longer threatening to wipe out all of us. That’s how we knew something happened—that something had to have happened to you.”

  Jasmine tugged the quilt closer around my shoulders as she finished checking me out. “She’s fine,” she said to Zayne. “From what I can see. No wounds.”

  Zayne lifted a hand, scrubbing his hand through his hair. “When Roth showed up, we knew.” His voice was rough, and my heart squeezed like someone had dropped it into a juicer. “He said you left in the middle of the night without him. I... I don’t even know why he came here, what he thought we could do for him. He said that one of his contacts had confirmed that you...that you’d done it. Roth was...” His brows knitted together as he looked away. “We had a funeral for you, Layla.”

  My stomach dropped. “You did what?”

  “You were gone. There was no body.” Nicolai frowned from the doorway, and I suddenly felt like hurling because he was talking about my body. “But we knew you were gone and I...we had to give you that rite, after what you sacrificed.”

  Great guacamole, I had no idea what to think about that. I missed my own funeral! Well, if I’d been dead, dead I would’ve missed my funeral anyways. “That seems a little quick,” I said finally.

  Zayne stepped toward me, his expression severe. “Layla, it wasn’t quick. You’ve been gone for six days. The funeral was two days ago.”

  “Six days?” My eyes widened. “It couldn’t have been six days. It was just last night...” I trailed off, remembering what Roth had said about time moving differently down below. The disconnect had happened when I went down to see Grim. Though I didn’t think I’d gone to Hell this time. I had a feeling I had been in something more like a waiting room of sorts. Time must’ve moved slowly then, too. I shook my head and cool, damp hair clung to my cheeks. “I thought I died. I was in this place and I saw—”

  A commotion rose from the hallway, cutting me off. I looked up as Jasmine rose from the couch. A rush of warm tingles tiptoed across the nape of my neck. Nicolai turned and I saw Dez step to the side, away from the room.

  “It’s him,” Dez said softly.

  I was standing before I realized what I was doing, the blanket slipping off my shoulders. My senses started coming online, firing all at once. Shivers raced up and down my spine.

  My heart stuttered, and then skipped a beat as a tall form parted the Wardens crowding the door. Messy raven-colored hair fell forward into ocher eyes that were deeply shadowed.

  Wrinkles clung to the black shirt he wore. It looked like he’d slept in it for days, as did the dark jeans. The laces on his boots were untied. He was a mess, every inch of him, but he was still the most striking thing I’d ever seen.

  Roth strode into the room, stopping halfway. His full lips parted, and I caught a quick glimpse of light reflecting off the metal ball. Our gazes locked, and it was like the world around us just slipped away. It was only him and me, and I didn’t remember moving and I didn’t see him move either, but in a heartbeat, I was standing before Roth, staring up at him.

  “Layla?” His voice cracked halfway through my name. He reached out, clasping my cheeks with hands that shook. A shock jumped from his skin to mine.

  Tears filled my eyes as I inhaled deeply. The sweet, dark scent of his settled over me. In that very moment, there was no lingering doubt in my mind that I was alive and this wasn’t some kind of bizarre hallucination.

  “I’m here,” I whispered as the tears broke free. “I’m really here.”

  Roth’s hands slipped off my cheeks, and then his arms were around me. He hauled me up against his chest, onto the tips of my toes as he buried his face in the crook of my neck. He staggered back a step, and I guessed his legs had given out, because the next thing I knew, he was on his ass and I was straddling his lap, my knees on either side of his hips.

  His entire body trembled as I wrapped my arms around him, holding him just as fiercely as he held me. We were so close I could feel his heart pounding and the rapid rise and fall of his chest. Tears ran down my cheeks unchecked, and I had no idea how long we sat like that, clinging to one another as Roth rocked back and forth ever so slightly. I couldn’t get close enough. I wanted to burrow my way in, because this—this—I never thought I’d feel any of it again—his arms around me or his warmth or his unique scent. Only a tiny part of me had hoped that somehow, someone would let him see me after I passed on, but I hadn’t been counting on it. I’d left to face the Lilin never expecting to experience this again.

  Raw emotion expanded inside me, and it was almost too much, but in an odd way, not enough.

  Roth jerked back, lifting his head. There was a sheen in his amber eyes, a glassy quality that tore at my heart. I’d never seen a demon cry, didn’t even know it was possible, but I’d been wrong. Then my cheek was pressed against his shoulder again, and he was holding me so tight there was a good chance I’d turn into a squeak toy, but it would be worth it. There were no words between us. None needed to be spoken. Every action was drenched in what we felt for one another.

  One of his hands traveled up the line of my spine, fisting around my hair at the nape of my neck. He dragged my mouth to his, and he kissed me. There was nothing soft about it. The kiss tasted of desperation and joy, of pain and relief, and of the bright rediscovery of tomorrow that had once been stolen away.

  The kiss was the act of someone who never thought he’d have the chance to experience it again. I tasted blood and I wasn’t sure if it was from him or me, but it didn’t matter. Our tears mingled and our hands clutched at one another. He was so very much warm and alive under the clothes, and I was so very much here, with him.

  Roth pressed his forehead against mine, and my hands trembled as I pressed them against his damp cheeks. He hadn’t shaved and the rough bristle tickled my palms. “I love you,” he said, and then spoke in a language I didn’t understand before switching back. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

  thirty

  HOURS LATER, WE lay in bed, our arms and legs tangled as night fell and snow continued to blanket the ground.

  The trip back to the McMansion had been a blur. The Wardens had left us almost immediately, which was shocking. Things had most definitely changed if they were now willing to leave a demon and, well, whatever I was alone in their sanctuary, even if they were standing guard outside the sitting room.

  No one stopped us when we left, and I hadn’t seen Zayne. Only Nicolai and Dez had been visible when we exited the room. I was in no shape to fly the friendly skies, so we ended up having Cayman pick us up.

  He’d been overly excited at the idea of playing chauffeur.

/>   I lay on my side, the front of my body pressed against Roth’s. I was curled around him and his hand slid up and down my spine in a continuous, smooth caress. Since the moment he’d walked into the sitting room at the compound, there hadn’t been one second where we weren’t touching one another.

  And only a handful of seconds had passed between the moment we’d stepped into the bedroom and when our clothing ended up in a forgotten pile on the floor. Again, there had been little said between us, but what we felt for one another was expressed in each brush of our fingertips, sweep of our lips and in the way we moved against one another.

  I wasn’t sure how much time had passed after our hearts slowed and the fine sheen of sweat cooled on our skin.

  The tips of his fingers followed the line of my spine. “I went to Hell looking for you.”

  I lifted my chin, peering up at him from when I was snuggled up against his chest. “You did? Roth, that was so dangerous. They could’ve kept you.”

  He looked down at me, dark eyebrow raised. “I thought you were dead. The last thing I was worried about was the Boss throwing my ass in the pit. And as it turns out, I was in such a pathetic way, the Boss took pity on me, and just tossed my ass out of Hell after