Those men came back to the house today. We tried to ignore them, but they started to break Mother’s flower pots! Father went outside to talk with them and made us stay at the table. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could hear him shouting. He never shouts. Not like that. I don’t know what they could have said to make him—
I snapped the book closed and set it on the dresser. “Sorry,” I murmured to Lia’s reflection in the bureau’s mirror. Grabbing one of the loose nightgowns I had set out, I returned to the bedside and began to unbuckle the straps of her armor. Gingerly lifting each of her limbs, I removed her boots, greaves, gloves, and spaulders, stacking them in a pile on the floor beside us. My hand brushed along the surface of her cuirass as I moved to unfasten the final buckle, and I traced a finger along the brutal crack through its surface where the monstrous scythe had pierced her heart. It had been easy enough to hide from her parents within the folds of my cloak, but the unobscured sight turned my stomach and brought the memory of her death to the front of my mind.
Removing the chest piece only served to worsen my mental state. While the downpour had washed the blood from her face and armor, it had done nothing against the dark red stains that bloomed outward from the torn fabric of her undershirt. I averted my eyes from the stain as I sat her up in my arms and pulled the shirt up over her head, carefully threading her braid through the bloodied fabric. The bare skin of her back was warm through my glove as I laid her down and leaned over to stash her ruined undershirt out of sight with her broken armor beneath the bed.
I grabbed her nightgown and prepared to wrestle her unconscious form through the sleeves, but the cloth fell from my hand as my eyes caught sight of her bare skin. No. No, that’s not right. A ridge of thick scar tissue curled across her chest in a crescent shape, wrapping up from her armpit to her collarbone. Familiar black lines forked off from the main wound at jagged angles, reaching out in a fractal web to her sternum, shoulder, and the top of her left breast. I took the darkness out of her. This should have healed. I placed my palm over the main bundle of scar tissue and activated the Healing rune in my ring, but the energy rushed over her chest and dissipated to no effect.
Why? I fell back in my chair and closed my eyes, fervently scanning her body with Detection to find the hidden corruption. Why? The single drop of amber mana in her core had expanded to a small pool that shimmered brightly against the empty backdrop of my mind. I scanned over the scar repeatedly, looking for any seedling of darkness I had missed that could be uprooted. There’s nothing here. Nothing to take, nothing I can fix. It’s just scars.
My scars. I stared down at my gloved hand and felt a sympathetic twitch in my fingers. Those are my scars, not yours. You shouldn’t have to carry them. My hands balled into fists against my legs as I stared blankly at the floor. After everything we went through, it was me. I killed you; not Virram, not the General, not even those monsters. It was me. I killed you, and I cursed you.
It felt as though a heavy fog rolled over my mind, and I struggled to hold onto a single train of thought. Do you hear her voice now, too? Do you feel the hunger for death? Will you fall into the void now, like I do? Tears rolled down my face and pattered against the wooden floorboards at my feet. Are you in there now? Are you ever coming back? What do I do without you?
I scrunched up my face and wiped my cheeks. “Sorry,” I repeated miserably. “You need me right now, and I'm just sitting here being useless." I gathered the dropped nightgown from the floor and retook my place at the bedside. “I’ll be here to watch over you until you wake up. I promise.” After a few minutes of effort, I had Lia comfortably situated in a fresh set of clothes. A small line of the black scars on her chest peeked out from the corner of her nightgown, and I tugged the collar back into place to obscure the mark. With the scars hidden, it was almost possible to imagine she was simply sleeping, but my memories refused to let me fully believe the idea.
A soft knock on the door jumped me and pulled the attention of my Detection away from Lia’s core to the bedroom door, where Hana waited patiently for a response. “Come in.”
The door creaked open just enough for Hana’s face to peek in and scan the room. A relieved smile spread across her face, and she stepped into the room and leaned against the doorframe. “Thank you for making sure she’s comfortable, Lux. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”
“It’s the least I could do,” I said, weakly returning her smile. “She did the same for me when we first met, right?”
“That’s right,” she answered. A loud round of Marten’s distinct laughter echoed through the house, and Hana nodded her head towards the hallway. “We’re sitting down for dinner now: bihorn stew. You should join us.”
I shook my head. “Thank you, but I think I’ll stay here with Lia. I wouldn’t want her to wake up alone.”
She pursed her lips. “Lux, you said she’ll be asleep for a few days, at least. Surely you have time to eat with us.”
“Even still,” I said, looking back to Lia. My mana rushed back to watch the golden energy that slowly expanded within her core, and I let out a small sigh of relief when I found it uncorrupted. “I appreciate the offer, Hana. If you could leave a bowl out for me, I’ll eat later.”
“I’ll leave it on the table for you,” she nodded graciously. “Please feel free to join us if you change your mind.” Her eyes lingered on her daughter behind me for a moment before she disappeared back into the hallway, closing the door behind her.
As soon as she was gone, I pulled my chair closer to the bed and took Lia’s hand in mine. “Don’t worry; I’m not going to leave you,” I whispered, leaning my head forward against our clasped hands. “Not until you’re back.” While I couldn’t find any signs of the darkness returning to finish what it had started, my mind refused to let me believe she was safe. Memories of her death, the raging black fire, and Amaya’s cruel voice played on repeat while I watched the black scars crawling across her chest. You won’t take her away from me. Not this time.
I lost track of the passing of time as I held my vigil. Occasional creaks in the hallway drew a fraction of my attention away, but only long enough to ensure the source of the noise wasn’t approaching our bedroom. Otherwise, I lived entirely within the neon world of my Detection, blocking out everything that wasn’t Lia. My body seemed to fade away as I ignored its calls for sleep and sustenance, choosing instead to let my mana sustain me subconsciously. At some point, I heard another knock at the bedroom door, but I ignored the noise.
“Lux?” Hana’s voice called out from behind me, suddenly inside the room. I scowled at the intrusion as I dropped Lia’s hand, then turned around with the best smile I could offer. “Would you like some lunch, Lux?”
“Lunch?” I asked, confused.
“Yes, lunch,” she answered softly. “Here.” I blinked at her, fighting to resolve the image before me as my eyes blurred from disuse. A plate appeared in my lap with a chunk of braised meat over a bed of greens. “You need to eat, Lux,” she said, pushing the plate towards me.
“I’m not hungry,” I muttered, staring at the plate disinterestedly. While the statement was true, and I felt no hunger pangs despite my refusal to eat, I knew she was right. “Thanks anyway.”
Hana set the plate down on the bedside table, then knelt down on the floor to meet my eyes. “Lia wouldn’t want you to waste away on her account. You know that, don’t you?”
“I think Lia would want to be awake right now,” I countered. “That’s what I know.”
“But she isn’t awake right now, and unless your fasting is going to wake her up sooner, there’s no reason for it.” Her voice took on a harsh quality I hadn’t heard from her before. “Lia made the decision to go with you; she’s always known the risks, and she’s always gone with you anyway. Starving yourself because you think this is your fault is foolish.”
You don’t know. The taste of bile crept up from the back of my throat. “After everything I’ve lived through, hunger isn�
�t going to be the thing that kills me, Hana, but your concern is noted.” I looked between her, the plate, and the door. “Is there anything else?”
Her nostrils flared. “No.” She stood and returned to the door, pausing before she left. “You aren’t the only person here who cares about Marlia, Lux. You’d do well to remember that.” The door clicked shut behind her as she left me to brood over the indictment.
My head fell as I turned back to the bed, and I rapped my knuckles against my head in a painful staccato rhythm. Why did I do that? I looked over to the lunch Hana had brought me and immediately felt sick at the thought of eating. I’m falling apart. It’s been less than a day, and I’m falling apart. I instinctively reached out to find comfort in Lia’s aura, but her consciousness was still hidden from me somewhere deep within her core as she recovered. The absence I found in place of her presence was a dagger in my chest. I need you. Please.
A sudden burst of desperation seized me, and I crossed the room to our bureau where I had left her diary. You’re in here. I brought the book back with me to my chair and lovingly ran my thumb across the blank leather cover. My eyes flicked up to Lia’s, and I watched her chest gently rise and fall as she slept. “Sorry,” I said under my breath as I flipped open the journal.
“Father tried to set me up with another man today. Again! Even when I told him after the last three that I’m NOT. INTERESTED. I don’t even remember his name this time. He kissed my hand and recited some awful poem for me when he came to the house. ‘You’re as lovely as the Prime of Light, radiant and pure like…’ I already forgot the rest. Just...yuck. But then, as soon as we were alone, he wouldn’t stop talking about my father! Questions about his business, and about where he travels to, and who he works with. I thought I was as lovely as the Prime of Light! Shouldn’t we be talking about that? I guess none of that really matters, though, because I told him he was stupid and kicked him out of the house. Father was mad, but I think Mother thought it was funny. Hopefully Father will get the message now and stop trying to find me a match. I don’t need to get married anyways; I’ll take over Father’s business and run it all by myself, just like Aunt Ellie.”
A genuine smile crossed my face as I set the journal on my knee. “Is that why you liked me, Lia? Because I wasn’t interested in Marten’s business?” I laughed as I took her hand and squeezed it lightly. “I didn’t know you wanted to take over his business. I think you’d be great at it, apart from getting bored. There’s not a lot of sword fighting as a merchant.” I reveled in the distraction that the idea provided, imagining the two of us as merchant traders on a cross-country adventure. “Maybe that’ll be us someday.”
The solace I found in the journal’s pages wore off as my intrusive thoughts returned. My meditations were continually interrupted by flashes of our fight in the forest and the words Amaya’s voice had spoken to me. I brought her here. I filled her with death. This was my fault. The thoughts quickly overwhelmed me, and I opened my eyes with a gasp to find that the sun had long since set. I opened up the diary to a new page with shaking hands and read on through the darkness.
“I don’t even know how to start this...so many things happened before we left for Attetsia. We were trading questions before bed, like we used to, and I asked about that thing he said to Valandra: ‘getting sent away again.’ He told me that if he finished what he was sent here to do, he’ll get sent to another world again. And then he said that he died. Whatever happened in that last world he was in, it must have been really terrible. I wanted to ask about it, but he started to have these...visions, I think. He was looking at things I couldn’t see, and talking to them. He touched my face and called me beautiful...I think he thought I was Amaya. I know it sounds terrible, but I wanted to just let him believe it. It felt nice.
“But that would’ve been awful. I was able to wake him up, and he cried and told me he was sorry. I don’t know how he made it so long like that, holding all of those memories inside. He told me the story about what happened in his last life, and how he died, and then he fell asleep. Things were better the next morning, and he even apologized to Valandra about being mean to her! I think talking about his past helped. But then...before we went inside for lunch, he hugged me and told me how important I am to him. I think I would’ve stood there forever, if he’d let me. I know that he’s still in love with Amaya, but no matter how many times I tell myself that, it won’t change how I feel. It’s hard, sometimes. Most of the time, actually. But he saved me, and now he needs help. I owe him that much, no matter how hard it is.”
I felt my heartbeat in my throat as I looked up from the diary. “I’m sorry, Lia,” I croaked for what must have been the hundredth time. “I didn’t know how much I was putting you through.” I wiped fresh mist away from my eyes. “You’ve been holding me together longer than I thought, haven’t you?” Without pausing to reflect on the thought, I turned the page and began reading the next entry.
“I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight of Lux getting knocked into the dirt by Valandra. That fight was something else; they were so fast! And Valandra’s shield...wow. I can see why she’s the best fighter in the country. I didn’t understand how she could fight with just a shield, but I do now. And Lux lost! I know it isn’t exactly fair, fighting against the King’s Shield, and he did win one of the rounds, but still! I think he might have been holding back, but he still lost. I think it’s probably a good thing, though; he didn’t seem mad about it, so I think he’s getting along better with Val now.
“After their fight, Lux went to go hunting and said that I could spar with Val, too! It was so great. I’ve never practiced with anybody else aside from him, so it was fun to fight someone else, especially somebody as different as Val! She was definitely moving slower than her first fight, but she still beat me every time anyways. I hope I can train with her every day. Both of them. Even though we’re going to Attetsia under King Yorrell’s orders, this could still be fun. I just hope—”
The passage ended in a sharp spike of ink, and I felt heat rise in the back of my neck as I remembered the night it was written. The Strategist’s men, and...darkness, again. It’s always there. I watched the black flames ripple across my sword as I lived the memory a second time. She was scared of me. Even then, when I hadn’t been fully consumed by it, she was scared of me. A sad wave of acceptance washed over me. She’ll be like Marin soon: so terrified that she can’t stand to look at me. I can’t blame her. My eyes fell in shame, and I passively read the opposite page of the diary.
“It’s only been a few days, but so many things have changed. We got ambushed at camp while Lux was still gone, and one of the men managed to grab me before I could get my sword. I felt so stupid, getting caught off guard like that. No matter how hard I train, I always seem to end up in the way. And these men always seem to know it, because they come after me every time. Next time, things will be different. They have to be.
“In the end, it didn’t really matter; I’m sure Val could have taken care of things by herself, but Lux showed up a few seconds later. He had that look again. The same one from the night we escaped the dungeon. When the fire started, I knew I had to do something. I managed to calm him down enough to snap him out of whatever was happening, but...I’m scared. Whatever is happening to him, it has something to do with his past lives and all the terrible things that he went through. I’m scared he’s going to hurt himself if we keep going. I just want to fix it for him, but I don’t know how. If I could take the—”
“Why are you reading my diary?”
A sudden wave of comforting warmth washed over me, and I looked up from the book in my lap to find Lia’s amber eyes open, watching me with a mix of amusement and concern. “Lia?” I asked as I clambered to my feet, knocking the journal to the ground. “You’re…” My throat immediately closed and cut off whatever I would have said next, though I couldn’t find any words regardless.
“What’s wrong, Lux?” she asked, tilting her head to one side. “T
hat diary was supposed to be private, so if you read something that upset you, it’s really your own—” Her thought was interrupted as I dove forward and embraced her. Every inch of my body shuddered with relief as I felt her aura surround me once again, and I held her fiercely against my chest. “Lux, what’s wrong?” she repeated, significantly more alarmed than before.
“You’re okay,” I whispered into her neck.
“Of course I’m okay,” she answered, scratching the back of my head lovingly. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
I pulled my head back to look into her eyes, and my brow furrowed. “Don’t you remember what happened?”
She shrugged. “Mostly, I think. We found the monsters out in the woods and had a battle. It wasn’t an easy fight, but we won. Marin even killed one, in the end. That’s the last thing I remember.” She looked around the shadowy room, lit by faint predawn light. “Based on the fact that I’m back at my parents’ house in my nightgown, I assume I passed out from overexertion.”
She doesn’t remember. I lay beside her in bed, completely stunned by the implication of the idea. No memories of the darkness, or the voice, or...death. My mouth moved without sound as I struggled to figure out what to say. We could move on like nothing ever happened. She wouldn’t have to carry that burden. I took a deep breath, then shook my head. “No. That’s not what happened.” No more lies.
“What do you mean?” She sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin between them. “What happened?”
I slid back and crossed my legs, sitting opposite her on the bed. “After the battle was over, the darkness came. The same darkness that took me through the void. Because our minds were so closely linked from the fight, you felt it too. The pain was...too much for you.” I fought back a shudder as I heard her agonized shrieks echo in my head. “That’s probably why you don’t remember.” Her eyes widened, but she gave me a small nod to continue.
Restart Again: Volume 3 Page 39
