by Joss Wood
Because he could, because he knew Ben had eyes on him, he lifted a slow but deliberate middle finger and held it up for twenty seconds. If Ben was out there, he’d be left in no doubt that Seth’s feelings hadn’t changed. With any luck, his “screw you” would spur Ben to act, hopefully sooner than later.
They needed to wrap this situation up.
Seth sent another hard look down the road, around the neighborhood before stepping back into the house and closing the front door behind him. He couldn’t control the situation with Ben but he could sort out the mess he and Leah had become. He hadn’t slept with her last night, he hadn’t slept at all, his mind too full of Ben and his crazy and when he wasn’t mentally running through the information they had about him, then he was thinking about Leah.
So, his plan to have a quick affair with Leah had backfired badly. Leah was now so much more than a bed-based fling. She wasn’t just another hot woman he could walk away from, someone he could easily forget about. She’d snuck under his skin and into his heart.
Seth folded his arms and rocked on his heels. How could he trust what he was feeling? The last few weeks had passed at warp speed and he hadn’t had any time to take a breath. This, whatever they had, had developed so quickly, possibly because they’d been thrust into a dangerous situation. Could he be suffering from reverse Stockholm Syndrome; had he just fallen for her because she was under his protection? Whatever he was feeling for Leah was so damn unfamiliar, so intense, he wasn’t sure if it was real, whether it could last.
Seth was old enough to realize whatever they had had moved beyond the bedroom for Leah, that she was dealing with some of the same emotions he was. And that raised the question...was what she was feeling for him was real? A month ago she’d been prepared to commit herself to another man, to make the biggest promise to another human being that she could. How could her feelings for Heath change so quickly? Was she just transferring what she felt for the asshat onto him? And how would he cope if she they started a relationship and she realized she wasn’t actually as into him as he was her.
How would he cope with her leaving?
And if they survived whatever The Recruiter was plotting, and of course they would, and tried to make this work, how would they overcome the obstacles of having separate careers on two different continents?
God, all this soul-searching gave him a headache.
But he knew what he should do, right now, today. He had to make another tough decision; one Leah wouldn’t like and probably wouldn’t understand. In order to do his job, to focus on what was important, the only thing that was important—keeping her safe—he needed distance between them. Her life was in his hands. He needed to put a barrier between them so he could do his job and, critically, protect her as he reeled her out as bait. He had to be at the top of his game, he had to stay sharp because when he thought about Leah and the things they did together he lost focus, very quickly.
He also needed to step away from her for his emotional safety because if he kept sleeping with her, kept talking to her, he’d find himself flying before he realized he’d taken the leap.
Flying he could cope with, hitting the rocks and shattering into a million pieces was what he was trying to avoid. He’d allowed this situation with Leah to progress too far, he normally bailed long before this, before the woman became this fascinating, before she became important. He had to walk—run!—away. Today, now. Before it was too late.
Seth straightened his shoulders and ignored the cold lump of dread in his stomach, the erratic thump of his rebellious heart. This was the right thing to do, the only thing to do.
So do it already.
He found Leah in her bedroom, standing next to the bed, her arms crossed as if she was trying to hug herself. He knocked on her doorframe and she slowly turned her head, her eyes wide and wet. Oh shit, he hadn’t said anything and she was already emotional? God, he hated tears. Seth wanted to turn around and walk away but he planted his feet and forced himself to look at her as he tried to pull the words up his tight throat.
“Please tell me that this is nearly over,” Leah said, her voice saturated with suppressed emotion. “I need to go back to my life.”
Seth pushed his shoulder into the frame of the door, looking for support. “I do think it’ll be over soon.”
Leah sniffed, tossed her head, and looked him in the eye. “And you and I? Why do I think you want to tell me that it’s over, too?”
Seth swallowed, massaged his Adam’s apple, and forced his tongue to form the words. “Because it is. This...you and I, it’s not fun and games anymore.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Leah, I can’t. I am not what—”
Leah held up her hand to stop him and, knowing he had the potential to say the wrong thing, he immediately shut his mouth.
“I know what you’re about to say. I am not what you need. Like that’s a surprise,” Leah said, her voice bitter. “I’m never quite what a guy needs.”
Oh, crap. She’d grabbed the wrong end of the stick. Seth opened his mouth to refute her words but then he saw the tears rolling down her face and his heart bounced off his chest. He didn’t know how to deal with tears and he wanted to kick his own ass.
“Shit, don’t cry.” He reached forward but wasn’t sure what to do with his hands.
“Say it.”
Seth briefly closed his eyes. “I do think that taking a break, a breath, would be a good idea.”
Leah bit her bottom lip. “You’re calling it? Us?”
Seth nodded. “I’m calling it.”
Slowly, but inexorably, fury replaced the pain in her eyes. He understood that, anger was easier to deal with than hurt and disappointment.
“Screw you, Halcott! Screw all you stupid men with your commitment issues, your infidelity issues, and your stupid pea-like brains and asinine attitudes.”
She was lumping in with her waste of skin ex. Oh, hell no. He was nothing like Heath the asshat. “Don’t compare me to him!”
“Why the hell not?” Leah demanded, rubbing the back of her hand against her wet cheek. “He didn’t want me, he just wanted my money! You don’t want me, you just want sex. As soon as the situation became a bit too real between us, too grown-up, you bail! You are both jerks and I deserve better than either of you.”
He couldn’t disagree with her. She did deserve so much better than an ex-soldier with a lot of blood on his hands. “You’re right, you do. I’m not what you need, Leah. I’m hard, I’ve taken lives, I can be a cold, selfish bastard.”
“You can also be loving and giving and warm and funny,” Leah replied. “I know that you’ve crossed lines you maybe shouldn’t have, Seth, I know Jed probably did the same, as did my father. I love them anyway. I know you’ve all made decisions that might be morally questionable but I know that none of you made them lightly. You considered every option before you pushed that button, pulled that trigger, issued that order. I know the heart of my father and brother, as I know the heart of you. I’m not an idiot and I’m not naive but I believe in them and I believe in you. I love them and I—”
He couldn’t walk away, not if she said it. And he had to walk away.
“Stop!” He barked the word out and Leah, thank God, fell silent.
Seth felt like she swept his feet from under him, like he was falling down Alice’s hole, like he was lost and alone in a jungle, surrounded by insurgents. Her unfinished sentence injected paralyzing terror into his system. If she said it, if he heard that particular phrase, he’d crumble right where he stood and risk everything to be with her. He couldn’t, wouldn’t. So he told her his first lie, the one thing he knew would stop this conversation dead. “I don’t love you.”
The words hit her like a bullet to her chest and he saw shock chase hurt across her face. “I won’t let myself love you, Leah. I can’t,” he said, his voice low but determined.
He couldn’t lose control, not now. Too much was at stake.
“Coward.” Leah
threw the word in his face and he flinched.
But he held her gaze, held his ground. “I’m sorry you think that, but this has happened too fast and under difficult circumstances. It’s easy to be confused about what you are feeling.”
“Are you seriously suggesting that I don’t know my own mind?”
“I’m suggesting that we’ve been operating at warp speed in a tense situation, which leads to heightened emotions. Would this have happened in normal life?”
“I can’t answer that. It did happen, these were our circumstances. And you’re looking for excuses for why this won’t work. I want to make it very clear that I am not even a little confused about what I feel for you!” Leah said.
Her tears disappeared as she sucked in determination and pride along with air. There was her father, the hard-ass general. There was the streak of pride that was an essential part of Jed. Oh, yeah, beneath the charm and the empathy and the warmth, his girl had the stiff pride of the Hamilton’s. He was proud she was standing up to him but sick at the thought it was the final nail in the coffin he’d constructed.
“I’m not going to beg you to love me, Seth.” Leah stated, her voice soft but as hard as tungsten. “If you don’t, that’s fine. There’s no law that says you have to.”
Seth, feeling shattered, ran his hand through his hair. But damn, he had to admire her strength, her pride, her ability to face a situation and deal with it. “You’re a hell of a woman, Leah.”
“Yeah, I’m slowly starting to think that I am. Maybe one day I’ll meet a guy who can actually commit to me but I’m not holding my breath.” Leah lifted a hand to stop him from speaking. “Would you mind leaving, please? I’d really like to be alone.”
Seth, knowing that there was nothing more to say, left.
“I feel like I have a broken rib.” Leah told Milo the next day. “I look fine on the outside but every breath I take hurts like hell.”
Leah needed this time with Milo, needed his acerbic comments, his sarcastic approach to life and love. Milo had looked a little shell-shocked and had openly voiced his disbelief he was playing Agony Aunt again and so soon!
But when Seth drop-kicked her heart a few hours earlier, Milo was the person she called. Good friend that he was, he’d dropped everything and belted over.
As soon as he arrived, Seth left and Leah was grateful. She could bitch about him without worrying she’d be overheard. Living in the same house as the man who she loved but couldn’t have was a special, special type of horrible.
Milo topped up her wine glass and nodded. “Yep, now this is a broken heart. Heath was just a trial run. Where is the heartbreaker?”
Leah cradled her wine glass to her chest. “He went out and, since we’re not talking, he didn’t tell me where. I’m surprised he left me alone.”
Milo looked offended. “Hey! And what am I? Chopped liver? Seth would never have left you unless I was here.”
“Sorry.”
“Drink that wine, don’t hug it.” Milo ordered. “You won’t be able to drown your sorrows unless you drink.”
“I’m feeling miserable enough already, I don’t need to be hungover as well,” Leah retorted but she took a sip of wine. “And you need to work on being more sympathetic. Where are the cheesy movies, the ice cream, the endless supplies of tissues?”
Milo rolled his eyes. “You’re not crying, you hate cheesy movies, and ice cream makes you fat.”
“Why did I have to have a guy and a health nut for a best friend?” Leah asked the ceiling.
Milo sent her a tough look and leaned forward, his face serious. “I’m not going to pat your hand and tell you that the sun will come out tomorrow or that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Honestly, and unfortunately, I think Seth is your big catch, and he will always be the one who got away.”
“I wonder when the comforting is going to start?”
Milo ignored her sarcasm. “You’re feeling sad and that’s okay—”
Leah disagreed. It was anything but okay.
“Your pain is a human experience but it will pass. One day, hopefully sooner or later, you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much. The day after that it’ll hurt a little less.”
“That can’t happen soon enough,” Leah muttered into her wine. She glared at Milo and swatted his comforting hand off her knee. “When are you going to start trashing him?”
She and Milo had spent many hours trashing Heath and she thought Seth deserved the same treatment.
Milo, however, didn’t. “I don’t think I can. Heath was a prick but Seth, not so much. He was honest with you, Lee. He didn’t lead you on and when he thought he was getting in too deep, he bailed. He didn’t lie to you, cheat on you, mess you around. I really like the guy.”
So did she, dammit. And Milo was right. All Seth had done was to choose to not have a relationship with her. She might not like it but he was allowed to do that. It was his prerogative to choose whether to be committed to someone or not. God, she hated that she could be so very sensible, reasonable. It didn’t help her bruised and battered heart; it was still hiding out in the darkest corner of her ribcage, struggling to survive.
She met Milo’s sympathetic eyes and sighed. “I like him, too.”
“Well, the only thing you can do right now is to drink. Have some more wine.”
Leah watched as Milo poured red wine into her fat glass. “I wish he’d love me, Mi.”
“I think he does, hon. In his way or as much as he can, or allow himself to.”
Leah blinked away tears and sent a longing look to the kitchen. “Can I have ice cream now?”
“No, drink your wine.” Milo told her and turned around when he heard the front door open.
Milo immediately stood up and grabbed the heavy base of the lamp on the side table closest to him and held it like a baseball bat. Leah gasped, not only was the lamp one of her favorites, it was also a rare French 1930, art deco lamp signed by Max Le Verrier.
“Put that down.” She hissed.
“Seth said to look after you and that’s what I’m doing.” Milo snapped, his eyes on the door and his white fist clutching the lamp.
“I doubt a criminal would enter through the front door using a key,” Leah said and tried to take the lamp from his hand to put it back on the table. The cord was stretched tight and she really didn’t want to have to do any re-wiring. She could, she just didn’t want to.
Seth appeared in the doorway to the sitting room. He looked from Milo and Leah and back to Milo again.
“What’cha doing?” he drawled.
Leah tugged the lamp away and replaced it on the table and cursed when she saw the wiring had pulled away from its connection. “Milo thought you were an intruder and he was going to brain you with the lamp.”
Seth tossed his wallet and keys onto the coffee table and looked at the lamp. “Not a bad idea. Solid base, good weight but awkward.”
“It’s an expensive lamp and over eighty years old.” Leah hotly protested.
“I think we can all agree that you are worth more than the lamp.” Seth quietly stated before nodding towards the fireplace. “The poker would be a better weapon though. Longer reach, lighter, easier to handle.”
Milo pushed a hand into his blond hair. “I’ll remember that.” He glared at Leah. “Then again, I might just save the lamp.”
Leah winced at his tart tone and heard a tinge of hurt. Realizing that she’d been a bit of a bitch, she put her hand on his bicep and squeezed. “Sorry. I know that you were looking after me but I knew it was Seth.”
“How?”
Leah looked at Seth who was standing on the other side of the coffee table, his feet spread wide and his big arms crossed.
“How what?” she asked, confused.
“How could you be sure it was me?”
“Because bad guys don’t use the front door!” Leah retorted. “That’s Sneaky Behavior 101!”
Seth exchanged a long, frustrated look with Milo before closing his eyes.
“God,” he muttered.
Milo shook his head at Leah and lifted her hands in a “what have I done?” gesture. She’d sensed Seth’s arrival long before he even put the key in the door. Neither of them would understand that, no matter how old she got or how far apart they lived, she was forever tuned into to his frequency, into his vibe. Leah opened her mouth to explain and, when she saw their irritation, she snapped it shut again. What was the point?
Seth had made it very clear they’d had their time. That whatever they’d had, was over. He wouldn’t be interested in her metaphysical, slightly kooky, explanation.
“Since my body-guarding skills are no longer needed here, I’m going to go,” Milo said. He dropped a quick kiss on Leah’s cheek and she took the opportunity to whisper a quick “sorry” in his ear. Milo just replied with a sardonic “mmm.”
Seth saw Milo out and Leah heard the snap of the lock on the front door. She picked up her wine and looked at Seth when he walked back into the room. He rested his arm on the mantel above the fireplace and looked down into large copper bowl filled with dried out pine cones that filled the space in summer time.
Was what they had really over? How could it be when desire and longing filled every look they exchanged? How was she supposed to let that go, let him go? But how could she get him to stay? Oh, she knew he had to go back to New York but that didn’t necessarily mean he needed to leave her life. Milo could manage her business, she trusted him to look after her properties. And it wasn’t like she couldn’t fly back whenever she needed to...this didn’t have to end. She could leave with him or she could stay, they could have a long distance relationship...talking every night, visiting each other when they could. It wasn’t impossible. There were so many ways they could be together, so many plans that could be made.
