by Lara Swann
He grunts, and I continue, just to wind him up. “Heyy, maybe it’ll be leftovers from last night!”
He groans again, throwing his head back and then wincing at the gesture. “Fuck that.”
I laugh and wriggle down to lie out beside him, my head on his chest. He’s right that he’s hot and sweaty, but he doesn’t move me and for some reason it doesn’t bother me either.
Instead, his arm comes around my back, pulling me up against him and he gives me a more serious look.
“How about we just get out of here for the day?” He suggests. “Go recover some place nice…and quiet…and with real food.”
My heart leaps more than it should at the idea of avoiding my family - or, really, my mother - for a while, but I bite my lip anyway.
“Like where?”
“Your…hometown isn’t too far from here, right?”
“Well…a couple of hours…” I consider. “You think we could?”
“If you ask me, you’ve done your duty.” He grins at me, even if his face still looks pale and strained. “And as your six-month boyfriend, I certainly have. We stuck around for your sister’s engagement party. You could always blame me if they question it.”
I feel better with every point he makes, and sit up again, surprised at just how relieved I feel about getting away for a while.
“You’re up for that?” I ask, suddenly feeling guilty. “I thought you wanted to spend the day in bed.”
“If there’s a big, greasy breakfast at the end, I can deal with snoozing in the car for a couple of hours.” He says with complete certainty.
My stomach rumbles at the thought, and I realize I’m right there with him. I might not feel hungover, but damn that sounds good right about now.
“Okay, a day trip it is.” I say happily, jumping off the bed and starting to throw a few things together for us.
He looks over at me resentfully. “Can you please not be quite so…lively…about it though, Caz?”
I grin and toss some clothes his way.
It takes him as long to get into those, put on sunglasses and a hat, as it does for me to pack a bag with a few things we might need.
“Ugh, it’s so fucking hot.” He says as soon as we step outside, swaying a little, and I put my arm around him for support.
“Don’t worry. The car has air conditioning too.” I say.
To my immense relief, we don’t see anyone on our way out of the place, and then we’re driving away without a second thought. My border hometown Yuma might not be too close to here, but the idea of a long drive is far more appealing than being holed away in our room, trying to avoid my family.
Sure, maybe I’m just running away from it all for a bit, but then again - that’s pretty much always been my solution. Ignore as best I can while I’m around, then leave and go back to the life I actually enjoy in LA.
Josh starts snoring from beside me, a cowboy hat covering his face and sunglasses on underneath, and I smile wryly to myself. That didn’t take long.
True to his word, that’s how he spends the entire journey, and I’m quite happy with my own company - especially after the number of people I’ve had around me over the last few days. It’s a pretty easy journey, not many people on these country back roads at this time on a Monday, and it goes quickly.
He wakes up exactly when we pull into the parking lot of the diner I vaguely remember from years ago, whether by coincidence or some unnerving instinct for when food is nearby, I’m not sure.
“Ughh…” He groans again as his movement shifts the hat and the sun hits his skin again. “I can’t fucking wait for that food.”
My stomach echoes the sentiment entirely, and we don’t say much as we make our way into the diner.
I don’t think Josh even realizes we’re now in the hometown he wanted to see, and I’m not interested enough to make the point. Instead, we focus on the menu, and order far too much food - complete with indulgent ice-cream milkshakes, too.
“Is this place good?” Josh asks, after the waitress comes by to pour our the standard filter coffee and take our orders.
“It was when I was a kid.” I say, “And you could say that a little quieter, you know.”
He gives me a sheepish glance, and shrugs. “Sorry - must be bad habits from being so obnoxious around your family.”
I smile at that. “So, how do you think that’s going?”
He groans again, holding up a hand. “Food first, Caz, c’mon.”
I grin and relent, leaning back in the booth and looking around at the old, homey decorations about the place.
The aromas coming from the kitchen are enough that I can’t think of much else, either, and I’m far more grateful than I should be when the food comes out quickly - and with generous portions.
Josh and I don’t say much as we stuff our faces with bacon and pancakes and sausages, and as much as I didn’t really care about Beth’s choice of menu yesterday - certainly not as much as Josh - I can definitely appreciate the indulgence today.
I push the remains of my food away long before Josh does, and he makes methodical work of every last scrap on his plate - and then on mine - while we sit together in companionable silence.
I look out at the largely empty scenery around me, and try to work out if it’s different than I remember. I’ve been back a fair few times - Mom and Dad, and Maria and John, still live here. But I don’t exactly come for the town, and I can’t remember the last time I came to this area.
When he finally sighs and sits back, I smile and cock my head. “You need more?”
He shakes his head with another sigh, and I recognize a food-coma when I see it. I sit back again, slowly sipping coffee and letting him recover from the over-indulgence. There’s nowhere we need to be, and I realize I’m feeling more relaxed here in this old diner than I did lying by the pool in the sun at the ranch.
“Damn, that was good.” He finally says, sounding stronger than he has all morning. “That was exactly what I needed, Caz.”
“Me too.” I agree, and I’m not talking about the food. “Thanks for suggesting we come out here, Josh.”
He grins, and it actually looks genuine now. It never fails to surprise me, how much a little bit of food can change his whole demeanor - especially after a heavy night.
“Well we couldn’t come all the way to Arizona together without me seeing where you grew up.” He says.
“Believe me, there’s not much to see.” I laugh and shake my head, setting down my empty coffee mug.
“Show me anyway?” He asks, his eyes regaining some of their sparkle as he looks back at me.
“You know what? Whatever you like, Josh.” I smile back, his good humor infecting me.
I take his hand on the table and squeeze it, warmth spreading through me as I realize I’m here away from my family, with my best friend, and we’ve got the chance to have fun and just be us again.
With everything else going on, I’d almost forgotten how much I enjoy just being around Josh.
We settle up easily enough, and head out of the diner together. I drive us into the center of town and leave the car there.
“We can probably just walk around from here - it’s not that big.” I say with a shrug and he nods in easy agreement.
As we start walking together, he takes my hand, and my heart skips a beat. I glance down at our hands, but he doesn’t seem to notice, already asking questions about where we are, how I spent my time as a kid, and anything else he could probably ever think to ask.
Okay. I guess this is just something we’re doing now.
It’s not a bad feeling. Not at all. Just a little…strange.
For two friends.
But I guess the last few days have formed a few new habits between us, and this does seem natural.
I show Josh my parents’ house, then the main high street of the town, the shopping mall and my old school - all my childhood haunts - and tell him little stories about the shit I used to get up to as a kid.
And I find I’m enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. I’ve never told anyone much about my childhood before - not because there was anything wrong with it, but it just isn’t that interesting. And I couldn’t imagine anyone would be interested.
But reliving a few of these memories, and sharing them, is actually nicer than I was expecting.
And Josh seems to be having a good enough time, even if I’m sure it’s not that interesting.
When we come to a stop outside my old school, he takes a look around and gives me a wry smile.
“We should’ve done this trip before the ‘how well do I know you’ contest.” He points out. “I could actually answer those questions now.”
“You could ask for a rematch when we get back.” I say with a laugh.
“Okay, I don’t want to win that much.” He says, eyes sparkling as they meet mine.
Then he steps closer, one hand tucking my hair behind my ear as he leans in to kiss me.
The same way he did yesterday, more times than I can probably count. Gentle pressure that turns into a hot demand, his mouth opening mine and his tongue slipping inside as my pulse picks up and I try to remember how to breathe.
I can feel my pussy contract just from that light pressure of his mouth, my body wanting more and my head spinning with confusion - even as he’s already breaking it and withdrawing, still smiling at me, but with a gaze I swear is heated now.
“My…family aren’t here…to see us.” I say when I can think clearly again, pointing out the obvious with a murmur.
Which doesn’t change that I wanted him to do it. That it felt natural and right and easy to me…just as much as it seemed to for him. Whether anyone’s around or not.
What are we doing…?
That familiar half-cocky, half-sensual smile blooms across his mouth and he tilts his head. “I know, Cassie. It’s a good…habit, though…so that it’s still natural when we are back with them.”
I nod, as though this is a perfectly valid reason. “Yes…of course. Habit.”
That’s all we’re doing.
His smile widens, and he kisses me again - harder this time, a little more insistent, holding my head in his hands as I grip his shoulders tight. I swear I could lose myself in that mouth, in the delicious heat and strength of his body.
I swear I want to.
It makes me wonder whether I should tell him to stop. Whether it’s confusing me.
But I don’t really want him to stop.
And there can’t be much harm in it - we’re just playing an act for a week. This is just helping us play it well.
And after that, we’ll be back to our usual environment and then we’ll stop.
“Besides.” He finally adds when we break apart again. “It’s your hometown, right? Your parents live here - who knows who might be reporting back to your mother.”
I laugh, even though I wouldn’t put that past my Mom.
The comment breaks the atmosphere between us though, taking the tightening intensity out of it and bringing us back down to earth, which is a small relief.
“So, where to next?” He asks, putting his arm around me and pulling me close with a kiss to the forehead.
Warmth floods through me again, but I ignore it - looking around instead, and realizing this is where I get stuck.
“Hah, well, I think we might have seen everything, Josh.” I say. “I did say there wasn’t much here.”
“Cassie’s childhood 101 - and it only took a few hours. Should’ve signed me up years ago, baby.” He grins at me, and I roll my eyes.
I really hope ‘baby’ isn’t a habit that sticks.
In the end, we head to the park conveniently located between my old school and my parents’ house, deciding to lie out in the sun and enjoy the good weather.
“I should’ve brought my book.” I say, thinking out loud as I lean back and look up at the cloudless sky above us. “It’s so good to have a day to ourselves.”
“This week is meant to be a vacation, you know.” Josh says, amusement tinging his voice.
“Yeah, there was never any chance of that.” I shake my head, chuckling a little.
This far from where all my family are no doubt bitching at each other and about me, I can make light of it.
“You think it’s going alright?” Josh asks, that familiar half-smile dimpling one side of his mouth and making me see yet again how handsome he really is.
“I think so.” I shrug. “No one’s questioned whether we’re actually a couple, at least - and you’re right, you’re uniquely suited to pissing people off.”
He laughs, reaching over to flick my ear, and I jump away with a scowl.
“I thought you were done with that!”
“Ohh, we’ve got the day to ourselves, Cassie, might as well enjoy it.” He grins back, and I make a point of narrowing my gaze and frowning at him.
“See what I mean about pissing people off.” I mutter, then sigh, my attention turning back to the original question. “I don’t know how well it’ll actually work though. I mean, whether this break up will get Mom off my back. I’d hoped so, but…”
“Yeah.” Josh agrees, his own expression darkening. “I might be starting to see your point about her.”
“Well, at least we’ll have accomplished that, then - next time I start complaining about my family, maybe you’ll be a little more sympathetic.” I smile, picking idly at the grass. “And it’s been good just to have you here, you know. It’s made a difference.”
“Good.” Josh’s voice warms a little, and then he pauses for a while. “D’you think I can ask why you really don’t want a relationship, Cassie? Without you biting my head off, that is.”
“I’m not gonna bite your head off about it, Josh - not unless you start implying I should want one, anyway.” I laugh, and shake my head. “But I always meant it when I said I don’t have time…I mean, just think about all the time and energy your relationships have taken. I can’t deal with that at the moment.”
“I’m not sure I’m the best example, Cassie.” He says, laughing. “I’m pretty sure I was doing those wrong.”
“Yeah, me too.” I grin across at him, and he reaches over to flick me again. I scoot back before he can, nudging him with my foot. “But still…”
“I think maybe if you’re doing it right, it could be a good thing - someone to support you, instead of drain your energy and time.” He says idly, and I’m not sure whether he’s thinking about himself or me.
It makes me think about it, though - I’m so used to my default stance being no, and refusing to discuss it with anyone that pressures me about it, that I have to actually think to remember the exact why again.
In the end, I shrug and lie back on the grass, my hands under my head as I stare up at the sky.
“I guess maybe it’s just been easier to avoid any of that drama, than to try and get it right and risk screwing other things up because it fails - and besides, with my family…no gives me a simple answer to all that fucking expectation, and maybe would’ve only brought endless Matthew’s down upon me.” I say, my eyes drifting closed as I contemplate it. “Plus, the image I got of relationships and marriage from my Mom, Maria, Anne…I’ve never wanted that kind of life, where I have to give up everything else. And I’d probably be defensive and pissy enough about it that there wouldn’t be many guys who’d give me a chance.”
I lever myself up again, resting on my elbows so I can look over at Josh. He’s got a peculiar expression on his face, as if he’s fascinated.
I guess we don’t talk about this stuff much.
“Too much effort to go looking for something now, but I’m not that worried about that shit. It’s not going to happen right now - but it will eventually.” I give him a reassuring smile and shrug. “I’ll meet someone - ideally without putting in hours’ of effort that I could use to study instead.”
He’s still looking at me, and eventually I just laugh and push at him.
�
�What?”
“Oh, nothing.” He smiles enigmatically. “That’s just the least ‘fuck off’ I’ve ever heard you be about that particular topic.”
“Yeah.” I consider that, and wonder whether he might be right. “Well, maybe I am a little less resistant to the idea of it these days.”
I do feel less militant about the whole thing. And I’m not sure when that attitude started to shift - or if I even noticed it had.
“Maybe your Mom is finally getting through to you.” Josh teases.
“Fuck off.” I flip him off.
“Yep. There it is again.” He laughs, and flops down onto the grass himself.
“Hey, Josh.” I say a moment later. “Do you actually not want kids?”
I’ve been wondering that since he first mentioned it, even though I feel like it can’t be true. And this seems like the time to ask, since we’re doing the whole personal conversation thing.
He sits back up again, looking at me seriously and shaking his head. “That was just to worry your family, Caz. I’ve always wanted kids.”
I feel an unmistakable wave of relief, and I’m not even sure why. My eyes slip closed for a moment, and then I open them to find him looking at me again.
“Yeah, sure. Of course.” I try and shrug it off, and after a moment Josh lies back again.
“Hey, Josh.” I say again, and he looks up at me. “I’m glad.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Yeah? How come?”
“I don’t know.” I say with a smile. “Maybe the way you were with Lucas and Ellie. Would be sad for some kid not to experience you as their Dad.”
His face softens at the word ‘Dad’ and I feel a surge of unexpected emotions tugging at me.
I turn over onto my stomach and lie out again, letting the sun warm my back as I try and shake that feeling off.
We’re both silent for a while - not uncomfortably, but it doesn’t feel quite like it normally does either.
“The sun doesn’t seem as awful as it did this morning.” Josh says after a while, with a happy sigh. “I’m glad I gave it a chance.”
I laugh.
It wouldn’t have been the first time for us to decide to spend the whole day inside after a big night, drapes closed and with take-out pizza and bad films.
