by Lara Swann
“…I’m sorry…”
Both for what I’d said, and for this ridiculous outpouring. She just gave me a small smile and tucked a stray hair back behind my ear.
“You can hold me next time I’m off my face.”
I gave her a small grin back and leaned in again, letting her warm arms surround me. It was sticky with suncream, water droplets and our sun-warmed bodies, but it didn’t matter as I started breathing easier.
God.
I’d had no idea that had been bubbling up inside, or just how good it felt to let it all out.
“Feel better?”
“Mmm.”
“Good - more ice cream, I think.”
Without another word, she disengaged and walked back into the small pantry that I swore had been built next to the room leading onto this deck purely for this purpose. I appreciated the brief time to compose myself and work out what the hell was going on, and then she was back, holding the ice cream tub and two large spoons.
“Sans iced coffee this time?”
“Pfff, figured we’d go straight to the good part.”
I grinned and grabbed a spoon as she settled back down against me, my smaller frame leaning against her shoulder as we didn’t quite fight to fit our spoons into the not-so-large tub.
She didn’t say anything for a while, and I just looked out at the sea, letting the summer’s day warm me again as my thoughts drifted.
We’d done this before - admittedly not that often, but enough that it felt almost like a familiar routine. When everything was going crazy around me and I didn’t have any way to deal with it, she was the one person I could let my raw emotions run rampant with.
I sighed and shook my head. I wanted to say this whole thing shouldn’t have affected me like that - but if I was honest with myself, I damn well deserved a chance to rage at my father’s insensitivity, at the reappearance of the guy who’d screwed with my emotions for over a year…and the way my life seemed to be spinning completely out of control.
“I’m so sick of this, Kay.”
“So do something about it.”
Her no-bullshit response made me smile - that was one of the reasons I loved her. She’d could comfort me when I needed it, but the moment it was over there was no hint of pity or worry it would change her opinion of me. Kaylee always told it how it was, and she was one of the few people lucky enough to have the wit - or money - to get away with it.
“Any suggestions?”
“Take some damned ownership of your life for once. Let’s face it - he can bring a circus into your pretty little manor if he likes, but you don’t have to just sit here and take it. You have things you want, goals you’ve told me enough about - why curtail that because he looks askance at you?”
It was hard to hear, just as it had been when she’d said it earlier. And if I was honest, part of the reason I’d yelled at her had been because of the echo of Seth’s words last night.
“Still chasing Daddy’s approval?”
Kaylee reached over and bumped my shoulder, bringing me out of those traitorous thoughts.
Somehow my resolution to stay far away from my new ‘stepbrother’ didn’t quite manage to rein in my mind, which insisted on showing reels of unwanted images and memories.
“You promised me it would be different this time.”
She phrased it mildly, but the frustration in her eyes was obvious.
I didn’t promise you. I promised myself.
Which was worse, to be honest. At least the emotional catharsis had left me able to listen - and she was right. I’d been so sure my father would understand and give what I was saying a chance this time. But everything had happened far too fast, leaving me unbalanced and unable to explain myself properly.
I’d been upset about my father’s engagement, how he’d handled it, and the sudden reappearance of Seth in my life was already driving me crazy, but in the end it all came down to the same thing. My father had his idea of how life should be, what was proper and appropriate, and I’d always gone along with it. That had worked out great for most of my life, but I’d started to think I didn’t want it to end up dictating my future as well.
He was just so hard to talk to sometimes, and when he’d shrugged off my plans yesterday I’d been ready to give up - again. But I was done with having my ideas dismissed outright. He deserved respect, not mindless agreement. I wanted to take this year to discover more about who I was, what I could do - and now that he’d invited two complete strangers into my life, it was clearly time for some measure of independence.
Who was it who’d said that people treat you how you teach them to? Well, I was going to finally show him that my plans and ideas weren’t just fantasies and give him a reason to respect me.
The thought made me smile suddenly, the idea of it invigorating me as I considered just how I was going to make this work. Kaylee picked up on my shift in mindset, raising an eyebrow and looking my way.
“You’re right, Kay.”
Excitement was bubbling up inside me again, and I thought of the forensics internships I’d looked through - the different cities open to me and the pictures I’d had of myself spending some time living somewhere different, exploring that curiosity. I abruptly had too much energy, and I grabbed Kaylee’s arm, hauling her up with me.
“Want to go down to the beach for a bit - swim in the sea?”
She righted herself under my grip, arching an eyebrow with a sarcastic tone.
“That’s your great plan?”
I just laughed and pushed her towards where the garden would wander down to the gate leading to our private beach. I needed some time to think to come up with a great plan but at least now I’d decided to prove to him I did know what the hell I was doing. And taking control of that somehow made everything feel better, regardless of the things I couldn’t change.
And that way, I’ll be out of here before Seth’s cocky attitude can seep too far under my skin again…
Chapter Six
Seth
“Aaaahhh - got you!”
The attack came raging out of the small undergrowth near the fence and I dived to my left with an exaggerated motion - right into his path. The cool water slashed across my bare chest, mixing with the dirt I’d picked up to form another streak of mud there.
“Ughh…ah…urggg...”
The death-noises had the five-year-old squealing in fits of laughter, the slightly over-sized water gun tilting to rest on the ground as his other arm pumped the air. His head spun wildly, finally locating his mother sitting on the deck overlooking the garden.
“Mama, Mama—”
I chose that moment to snatch a hand out and grab his ankle, pulling him off his feet and landing him on my chest as I grinned wickedly.
“You should check your prey is dead, kiddo.”
He was still laughing as I deserted my own gun and attacked with just my hands, tickling his sides until his ear-piercing screams drowned out the rest of the noise in the yard.
Shit. I’d forgotten he could do that.
“Seth Anderson! Are you trying to kill my son, or the whole street?!”
I could hear the expletive she’d left out for the sake of the kids, and looked up with a grin, setting Jamie back on his feet. His little legs wobbled as he tried to recover from the strain of laughing that hard, and I waited until he started trying to totter off before letting go.
“My apologies, ma’am - the enemy caught me off-guard. But it shall not happen again!”
My voice rose dramatically as I rolled back to my feet, darting towards the other boy who had been sneaking towards me from behind. He yelled at the sudden change of direction, running away as I laughed and made a futile shot towards his retreating back.
Becky’s voice was full of fond exasperation as she watched.
“You let anyone into the SEALs these days, huh?”
“Seems like it - I’ll bring it up at the next command meeting. Immediate revocation of all rights for those t
hat get their ass kicked by five-year-old boys.”
Dale’s gravelly tone made my mouth quirk up at the side, especially as I saw the satisfied set of his body while he handled the barbecue tongs with as much consummate skill as he put into his rifle. I affected a shocked expression.
“You mean we had rights?”
Water crashed into my back and I whirled to see Ace already gone, darting behind a tree further down the garden, his wiry, lithe body moving easily and that ‘bad’ leg appearing no impediment to a water gun fight. I crouched and made to go after him, but when he met my glittering eyes, he nodded to the boy attentively watching over the barbecue at Dale’s side. I picked up the meaning and reversed direction, stalking closer in an obvious fashion.
“On guard! Or those sausages will be mine!”
The battle-cry raised Tyler’s gaze, looking at me uncertainly - and with a small frown that was such an indication of childish disapproval I almost laughed. Instead, I grinned at him, my water gun raised threateningly.
At ten, Tyler was the eldest of Becky’s three children and in a way that would make his father proud, he took that responsibility seriously. There’d been plenty of fun and games throughout the day, amid the replacement of some of the drains around the house and the whitewashing of the outside walls - but throughout it all, he’d stuck almost doggedly to Dale’s heel, helping out and refusing to get involved in any of the sillier activities of his brothers.
I fired a salvo dangerously close to the barbecue grill and jumped back, as if expecting a return shot. Dale scowled and shook the tongs at me, then turned and grabbed another gun from where it lay propped up against the large metal frame. He tossed it to Tyler, who grabbed it automatically before looking up at him in confusion.
“Go on, little man. If you want your mother to eat tonight, looks like you’re going to have to fend them off.”
He hesitated one moment longer, before the temptation obviously got the better of him and he ran towards me at a charge. I yelled and ran away, turning back to fire off shots here and there - letting a few hit the mark as I turned us towards the thicker part of the garden.
That was all it took for an all-out battle between two hardened SEALs and three darting, laughing boys. By the end of it we were all streaked with mud, sweat and water, the blasts from the guns increasingly welcome as the sun beat down on us.
The appetizing scent of cooking meat had been pulling us back towards the house when Dale finally called for plates and the boys took off in that direction, grinning and laughing. Ace scooped Jamie up as he fell behind the others, settling him on his shoulders and making him squeal again in excitement.
Becky had set out the tables with cutlery and plates, adding a couple of salads and sauces before coming to stand at the top of the stairs to the deck, arms folded as her sons approached, streaked with dirt and water on half-naked bodies and grinning up at her.
“Oh no you don’t - no food until you clean up properly.”
Seven-year-old Sam protested, but he was already on his way with Tyler to the hose at the side of the house. Her eyes raked Jamie, Ace and I, expression unyielding.
“All of you.”
Ace flicked a wry glance down at himself before grinning and snapping a sharp salute, and I followed on his heels under Becky’s watchful eye. She moved back to the table as we wrestled the hose from the two boys and avoided another hard-won battle, settling into the chair next to Fiona and waiting for Dale to bring the meat. As soon as we got them all cleaned up, they ran back.
Sam darted back and forth between the grill and the tables, too eager to sit and wait, while his brother helped Dale start dishing out the food. Fiona’s dark-eyed gaze lingered on the kids with a wistful expression, and her hand rested on the bump that was clearly visible through the loose fitting clothes. Her husband Ray had a hand casually stroking her shoulder and had barely left her side all day. He wasn’t one of the guys I knew very well, but Ryan was a firm friend of his, and it appeared Fiona was in Becky’s support group as well.
Ace shot him an amused grin as we approached and he handed Jamie back over to Becky.
“And I thought you were on high alert when we were down range, bro.”
The big man’s easy smile couldn’t distract from the gleam of pride in his eyes when he looked down at his wife and unborn child, or the protective stance that was almost unconscious.
“Priorities, mate. Perhaps you’ll have them too one day.”
His wink had the other man grinning, no doubt thinking of the girl Dale had mentioned a few days ago. He hadn’t brought her in the end, no doubt deciding it was a little early for this kind of gathering, and part of me was glad for it.
Running around with Ryan’s kids had been every kind of antidote I could have wanted to the irritation and mixed feelings of the last few days, but even after all that, every time my eyes caught Ray or Fiona something tightened in my stomach.
Taking a breath, I dismissed the strange feeling and grabbed a plate of burgers from the BBQ, helping Dale finish divvying up the food before sitting down and piling my own plate with a good deal of what remained.
As the boys regaled their mother with their tales of bravery and danger - paying no mind to interrupting her conversation with Fiona - and we chipped in with some flavor of our own, I found myself relaxing again.
When I’d signed up for the insanity that was becoming a SEAL, I’d done it to prove myself as the most badass motherfucker around - but I'd found something else entirely. BUD/S had quickly made it clear that tough one-man-army types had no chance. The hot-shots dropped out as we realized that SEAL training wasn’t about who could run the fastest, swim the furthest or do push-ups for hours. No one had the endurance for what we were put through, and no one was getting through it on their own.
By the end, it came down to those who could handle the failure and exhaustion, and understood that the only way to win was to refuse to give up…the guys who came out of that weren’t the ones you bet on in the beginning - they were those who had a solid core, an inner certainty and strength that could be sensed, but not seen. And those that would sooner die than let their teammates down. For a guy who’d never had anyone to watch his back in his life, that idea was alien - but it had intoxicated me. I’d spent so long fighting and railing alone against the world that I almost failed before I let myself rely on the men around me.
The moment I got it, though - everything clicked into place. Those darkest, coldest nights of my life gave me people I could trust, who were going to get me through it no matter what, simply because we were a team - and during the worst moments, that ended up being the only thing left that was worth fighting for.
When I came out of it, that same unshakable bond was waiting for me with every SEAL I’ve served with since. BUD/S and my first tour showed me that I wasn’t alone anymore - and unexpectedly, I discovered that I liked it that way.
To my surprise, that had extended to their families as well, forming a close-knit group that gave each of us the reassurance that those we loved would always be taken care of, whatever happened. I hadn't really understood just how important that was until Ryan invited me round the first time and I'd seen what he had in Becky and the kids. The way her eyes followed him - the fierce pride and quiet acceptance of who he was - had challenged my idea of what a family life was.
Most of us never expected to get something like that, of course - there was a reason SEAL divorce rates were so damned high - so we all respected the special kind of woman who could deal with the craziness we inflicted on those around us, and we did what we could to support those that tried for it.
Ray and Fiona gave off the same vibe, their eyes never far from each other even as they laughed with different groups of people. It was the sort of thing that I usually had a unique appreciation for, but tonight my mood was shifting all over the place, and it was drawing me out of the casual banter with an uncomfortable bitter-sweetness. Which was ridiculous, but the distraction of Becky�
�s kids hadn't quite managed to take the edge off my last few days around Bella - or, rather, days spent avoiding her.
I’d managed to mostly stick to that resolution, but thanks to my mother’s coercion, I was still heading there for dinner - which was turning out to be some of the more awkward experiences of my life, as Bella and I ignored each other and our parents tried to make small talk, mostly about the upcoming wedding. Something neither of us had any interest in, though Bella was doing better than me at showing some enthusiasm. Apparently they were slating it for the end of summer - and I found myself selfishly hoping I was deployed again by then, mostly so I wouldn’t have to be around when Bella becomes my step-sister in truth. The familiar irritation at that thought flared again, made worse as my gaze lingered on Ray casually kissing his wife's temple before moving off to get something from the kitchen.
“Drives me crazy sometimes, you know.”
I looked up as Becky swung her leg over the picnic bench beside me, sliding another beer along to me and taking a sip of her own.
“Huh?”
She nodded again towards Fiona.
“I love them to bits of course, but god...makes me miss Ryan something fierce.”
It took me a moment to work out what she was talking about. Becky didn’t usually talk that way and her observation was uncomfortably in line with my own thoughts. I took a swig from the bottle with a shrug, glancing over to Fiona as I spoke without thinking.
“He’s lucky to have her.”
“Pfff, you're all lucky that anyone can put up with your exasperating male egos.”
“Hah, you know how irresistible that masculine charm is to you ladies.”
Her eyes sparked as she met my gaze, grinning and clinking her beer against mine in acquiescence.
“Can't deny it...so you still wrecking the local bars these days?”
My mind skipped to those familiar haunts; picturing the way I usually blew off steam after a hard time in some desolate barren with the kind of girls who were only too eager to throw themselves after those charms. Tonight the idea of that felt somehow empty and I shrugged, not liking where this was leading.
