by Lara Swann
“Okay, warning taken. Seriously babe, Becky is not going to care at all.”
He ushered me out of the door and I couldn’t help the quick glance to check no one was around. I was pretty sure it was going to start getting suspicious how much time we were spending together, but our parents were too wrapped up in wedding details to have noticed so far.
I was pretty sure Becky wouldn’t care what I was wearing - not if anything I’d guessed about the people in Seth’s life was true - but damn it, I cared.
It might be silly that this was important to me, but out of all the silly things I was feeling and doing at the moment, it didn’t come anywhere near the top ten, so why not indulge it?
We made it into the truck and out of the long driveway without a hitch and I smiled, glad to be back with my handsome Navy SEAL even if I’d only just seen him yesterday. And even more glad to be doing this.
So far, not too much had changed between us after the explosion of emotions a few days ago, but something in me felt lighter, easier. We were taking this seriously, and I no longer had to ignore the constant questioning of what this meant to him. It was obvious from everything he said and did, and it had only become more intense between us.
It was intoxicating and scary, and I had no idea how we were going to sort it all out, but I believed him when he said we’d work it out. I had that stupid giddy feeling that nothing was impossible, if we were together. It might be ridiculous, but I did have a Navy SEAL on my side, and he’d proven himself very capable of handling the impossible.
“So, tell me about Becky.”
He grinned at me and shook his head.
“Well, she’s quite a…character. You’ll both get on splendidly, I’m sure.”
I caught the amusement in his tone and poked him.
“Hey!”
His hand trailed down my leg, playing with the bare skin just under the bottom of the shorts, and heat immediately bloomed in my stomach. I’d forgotten the last time I’d been in this truck with him had had very much no touching rules. This could be dangerous.
But then, since I’d met him, I’d started appreciating danger a little more…
“She’s the wife of a guy I’ve served with, Ryan. We all stick together, look out for each other’s families when some of us are away. Makes things easier.”
It was a warm sentiment, and I smiled. It was nice to think the indomitable men I’d met at the charity gala had a slightly softer side too.
“You know I’m probably going to be busy most of the day, right? I offered to help out in the garden, get it in a decent state before fall starts and we have a million leaves on our hands. Of course, Ryan should be back to take care of that.”
The idea of him gardening also made my heart skip a little, and I softly clamped down on the girlish nonsense. I liked the thought of my badass SEAL in everyday life a little too much.
“What’s Ryan like?”
“He’s a great guy - got me through my first deployment, really. And then after, started work on the truck with me, too.”
Since that night when we’d agreed to make a proper go of this, and Seth had explained some of his childhood to me, he’d been much more open in talking about everything else too, which had just reinforced his intentions. He might have been impossibly guarded before that, but the guy meant what he said. He wanted to try this with me.
“The truck?”
“Yeah, I fixed it up from scratch. It was pretty much scrap-metal when I bought it.”
“Impressive - I didn’t know you had a mechanical bent in you.”
Made sense though - guys and their toys. Military types were the worst for it.
He just shrugged though, glancing briefly at me before centering his eyes on the road again.
“Ryan got me into it, actually. After deployment, it was hard being back home. Adjusting. Not thinking every damned civilian might have a bomb strapped to their chest. And also…stepping back from that killing edge. It’s hard to accept what you do in the depths of hell, when you get back and see it in the light of day. He always said we should do something constructive - create, to balance the destruction. He always talks that way. Thinks too much, if you ask me, but he was right on that one. Fixing things helps - eases those feelings. I don’t know the meanings or the whys of it, but I took the advice.”
I listened in fascination. I’d never really thought about it at any length - what it must do to a guy, to live as Seth did - and the more I heard, the more I wanted to help - to provide shelter and safety from that landscape. It was a silly, sentimental feeling, but I was starting to enjoy those, especially as I listened to Seth talk. I was liking the sound of Ryan, too.
“So Ryan repairs things too?”
“Nah - his fix is carving. Tried to get me into that at first - my fingers weren’t made for that shit.”
I laughed, then glanced up at the wooden eagle hanging from his windscreen mirror. It was reminiscent of the one on his chest and I’d always wondered about it. He turned off the highway and started down smaller roads as I caught it, looking at him speculatively. He got the meaning straightaway.
“Yeah, that’s his - gave it to me as a good luck charm, after we were done with the truck. He’s a good guy, Ryan.”
The tone of his voice when he spoke about these guys told me a lot about what they meant to him. There was more to the SEALs than met the eye, and I smiled as we pulled to a stop in front of a cheery looking house in the suburbs, happy to finally have the chance to understand more.
* * *
“You been together long?”
I glanced back at Becky, my gaze distracted by the sight of Seth ‘gardening’ with three little boys that seemed to dog his every footstep. It was something I could never have pictured an hour ago, and I couldn’t kill my fascination. I was getting used to Becky’s directness, and Seth had been right - once I’d adjusted to her no-nonsense, straight-to-the-point attitude, we’d hit it off together. I’d always preferred people who told it like it was and didn’t make you have to second-guess everything they said and did. It was part of the reason Kaylee had always been such a blessing to me - even if I could’ve done without half of her blunt, honest comments.
I’d offered to help with the gardening, but she’d given it a dismissive wave, telling me that watching would be much more fun. I had no doubt about that, and having met her in person, I couldn’t begrudge the way her eyes danced as she looked at my SEAL. It was obvious she didn’t really have eyes for anyone but her own.
I smiled and looked back towards Seth, amused at just how little time it had taken for these insane feelings to develop.
“Not long, but…”
“But it’s intense, right?”
I nodded, blowing on the refill of tea she’d just poured.
“Always is with these guys. Doesn’t quit, either - I don’t think they do a damned thing without that controlled ferocity.”
That made me smile. It was nice having someone who could put into words all the unconscious things I picked up from Seth - to know that others had experienced this before me. And survived.
I watched as the littlest one - Jamie - scrabbled around in the soil, throwing clumps of dirt everywhere. One hit Sam and looked like it might start an all-out war until Seth swung him over his shoulders and asked him to point out the branches that needed pruning.
“I’ve never seen him with kids.”
It was an idle thought, but one I kept coming back to. That silly part of me was trying to tell me he’d be a great father.
Which was such a premature idea.
“Yeah, they miss Ryan like crazy when he’s gone, but it helps to have the other men come around. They all have that same way about them - doesn’t replace Ryan, but gives them a taste of him. They need the constant male role model.”
I nodded - it made sense, and as I thought again of Seth’s own childhood, I figured maybe this was good for him too.
“Doesn’t look like they’re getting m
uch done.”
She snorted lightly.
“Probably not. Imagine he’ll pick up the pace later in the day, when the boys are good and tired.”
We sipped tea in silence for a little while, as I pondered how to bring up the thing I was really wondering about. Until I’d arrived here today, I’d never really thought about what being a Navy SEAL meant - for the SEAL, or for anyone around them. Seeing Becky raising three kids with her husband gone whenever his country called had me thinking about it slightly differently.
Seth and I had never talked about it, but there could be no doubt that it was a hard life. Anything could happen to him, and he might not be there at any given moment. I found myself wondering whether I could deal with it - the strength and fire in Becky’s gaze inspired me, but I didn’t know whether I had the same thing within myself. The thought of something happening to him had my heart freezing in its chest as it was, and so far, his work hadn’t even taken him away.
Of course, the thought of him not being with me did the same thing, so I wasn’t sure what to think.
I knew this was what he’d meant when he said I might still run a mile - he’d lived and worked with these guys for three years now. He’d seen families like Becky’s - wives and girlfriends and partners. I couldn’t even think about the ones he’d seen fail to make it.
If we were actually going to do this, to consider this, I needed to be okay with this part of his life. And on the surface of it, I thought I was. But the reality of endless nights alone, worrying about him…I bit my lip and glanced at Becky. I didn’t want to come off rude, or tread where I wasn’t welcome, but…
“It must be hard - having him away all the time.”
Her eyes when she looked at me were full of an understanding that both reassured and unsettled me. She nodded, and sipped at the tea, before answering with an honesty that surprised me.
“It is. This life is difficult as hell sometimes. But it’s part of him. Part of who he is and what I love about him. So I can’t help but accept it, because it gave me the man I love. Even if it takes him away again and again.”
“I - if you don’t want to talk about it…”
“No, I do want to talk about it.”
Her eyes were hard and certain when she looked at me, and I had the sudden impression this wasn’t the first time she’d had this conversation.
“It’s important to talk about it, Bella. This isn’t something that you choose lightly, or without knowing exactly what it means. Divorce rates for the military have always been high, but among SEALs…it reaches 90%. There’s a good reason for that, because most people can’t hack it. And no disservice to them - there are some brilliant, passionate, amazing women who’ve tried. It’s just that what it asks of you is often too much. They come, and they sweep you off your feet with the ultimate definition of an alpha male - power and confidence mixed up with such a deadly competence that it could scare you if it didn’t make you hot with need. And when they’re here, it’s the best thing in the world - you get that alpha male to be your own personal champion, to protect and defend and fight for you, even if it’s just taking you to dinner - you know that’s what’s behind every little thing they do. But then they leave, and you realize that your champion isn’t just yours - that he has to go off and save the world, protect others as he does you, even if that means leaving you alone to deal with life. It’s every woman’s fantasy - half of the time. A mess of contradictions. It’s not hard to understand that divorce rate, when you think about it like that - how much they give…and take away.”
My heart was in my throat at the words, the unease I’d felt earlier redoubling as she described everything I’d ever felt about Seth - and all the things I hadn’t thought about.
“It gives you some of the most courageous, amazing, fiercely protective and loyal men I’ve ever known. And if you asked me, I’d say it’s worth it. One hundred times over. But that’s something that everyone has to work out for themselves.”
She lapsed into silence for a few moments, and I couldn’t help wanting to know more. Wanting to understand.
“How do you deal with it?”
She smiled briefly, reaching out to touch my hand and giving me some small reassurance.
“Lots of ways - I’ve got my own life and family I love, and we’re always busy. There are tons of support groups - I help out with a few actually - and they make a big difference, just to be able to quietly share the latest irritation or annoyance with people who get it. And of course, the guys come by and deal with all the little emergencies that would be a nightmare without Ryan around. I mean, I can fix a broken toilet as well as any man - but with three screaming kids? Sometimes I don’t have hours to work out all the shit that goes wrong.”
I smiled and glanced around again towards Seth, appreciating her honesty and feeling a little bit better.
“The other thing is, since I’ve known him - I’ve met everyone else. All the other servicemen and their families and support structures. I might wish he wasn’t gone so often, but at the same time…it’s brought me my closest friends, and such a strong extended family that I wonder how I ever imagined living without that. They tend to come together, these guys - and I wouldn’t give any of them up for the world. It’s not something I can easily explain - hard to really understand unless you’re part of it - but we’re all a family for each other.”
I nodded, feeling like I could see what she was saying. I’d seen it in the way Seth acted and talked about the Navy guys he served with, about how he was while he was here - it was a way I’d never seen him before.
I suddenly understood just how important this was to him, and why he hadn’t wanted to share it with me if I wasn’t going to stick around. This was something special. Cora might be his mother, but seeing him like this, I got the impression this really was the family he’d built himself.
The intensity left the conversation after that, and I figured Becky was backing off to give me some time to think on it and absorb what she’d said. The woman seemed to have observation and awareness skills almost equal to the Navy SEALs I’d already met. It was good she’d mentioned it, too - it wouldn’t be right for me to plunge headfirst into what was growing between Seth and I without seeing what this life actually meant.
We had a lovely afternoon chatting and learning each others’ lives, and she told me about all the work she used to do as a major events manager - impressing me with stories about the insane ways she’d filled ‘unique’ requests, and making me feel like we’d missed a trick not hiring her for my parents wedding. She said she still dabbled in it now, and it worked well as it was flexible and largely geography independent, but most of her focus these days was on her children and those skills came out more often for charity.
It didn’t quite shaken the unease or the questions about myself that she’d prompted, but it gave me some distraction for her information to settle.
I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to deal with it. But as I watched Seth playing and joking with the kids, saw the way his eyes sought and met mine every so often, my heart felt like it was expanding moment by moment, swelling with the depths of everything I felt for him.
I might not know the answer, but I wanted to find out. I wanted to try.
It was simply that I couldn’t picture letting him go.
Chapter Nineteen
Seth
“So?”
I had Bella pressed up against my truck, my hands lingering on her hips as my mouth nuzzled against hers. I’d been longing to do just that all day, and now that I had us away from Becky and the kids, I wanted to do all sorts of wicked, inappropriate things. Spending a whole day around her without having sex had been a cruel and unusual occurrence, as far as I was concerned.
“So what?”
She was a little breathless against me and I smiled.
“I was going to ask what you thought. But I see I wasn’t the only one thinking of other things.”
My thigh nudged her l
egs apart and she pressed against it instinctively, moaning as my hands covered her gorgeous tits, thumbs teasing her already hard nipples through the light bra she wore. Her eyes darted around with a slight alarm, but there was no one around. Didn’t stop her cheeks from heating.
“You expected me to watch you working hard, all muscle and sweat, for the whole day without thinking of those things?”
My laugh had a pleasant hum to it and I took the kiss I’d been teasing at, pressing her whole body back against the truck and making her feel every inch of those hard muscles she loved so much. Her arms came around me, settling against the waistband of the thick work jeans, fingers trailing to my ass. I clenched it under her and she moaned again, shaking her head.
“If you don’t stop now…we’re not stopping.”
Well, there was an invitation worth obliging.
But we were in the middle of the street.
And if we had public sex right outside her house, Becky might try to skin me alive. For all I knew, her kids were on their way out yelling with scooters and bikes and things.
That was an image that calmed me down a little.
“I can’t tell which of those you’re actually asking for, baby.”
But I shifted away, letting her down to catch her breath and withdrawing with a last deep kiss. Her eyes were still a little glazed as I went around to the driver’s side of the truck, and she shook her head as she got in. It was always nice to see the effect I had, and I grinned as I started the engine and started maneuvering us out of the tight space.
“So you never answered that question.”
“Which one?”
Her voice was idle as she looked over at me, one hand settling on my thigh and her fingers drifting towards something that was very eager to meet her. I shifted in the seat and shook my head. Damned girl had taken too many tips from me.
“What you thought of today.”
“I don’t think you ever actually asked it…”
Her voice was amused, but her gaze shifted to look out of the window as she considered the answer. That didn’t surprise me - I had a good idea what they’d talked about. I hadn’t quite expected Becky to bring it up the first time she met Bella but…she’d had this conversation several times before, and she knew how to pick her timing. And it wasn’t like things between Bella and I weren’t intense as hell - she ought to know what she was getting into before we took this too far. Especially with the wedding imminent.
