by E. K. Blair
“Maybe she just needs time to get to know us together.”
“But I feel like she doesn’t even know me. We used to be close, but so much has happened this year, and she wasn’t around,” she says. “I’m just . . .” She drops her head when she admits, “I’m not the same person. I wish I could be, but I’m just not.”
“That’s not a bad thing like I know you’re thinking it is. The cause of it is the only thing that’s bad. But it’s like I told you before, there isn’t a damn thing about who you are now that you should be ashamed of. You’re perfect to me,” I tell her, and I can see that she still struggles with this concept, but I’ll keep reminding her every day if I have to.
We’re interrupted when the doorbell rings, and Candace jumps off the bed, saying, “Jase is here,” as she flies down the stairs.
When I make it to the top of the stairs, she is already in his arms. I smile at the sight of her as I start making my way down.
“So what the hell happened after I dropped you off?” he asks her as I take the bag out of his hand and set it by the stairs.
“I realized that all my worries about leaving were more about my fears of losing Ryan than they were of moving to New York,” she tells him as she sits on the couch, and I walk over to join her.
“So now what?” he asks as he takes a seat in the chair.
“I’m gonna sign with PNB on Monday.”
“So, no New York?”
“Not right now,” she says. “I feel like I need more time here, where I’m comfortable. I just want to put the past few months behind me and have things settled again.”
“You talk to Kimber?”
“A little bit ago. She didn’t seem happy that I was moving in here,” Candace responds as I slip my arm around her.
“I think she just feels left out of everything. All of us have been through a lot, and she wasn’t around. And let’s face it, she has a skewed perception of Ryan, and she barely even knows Mark. And now Mark and I are about to move in together, and you and Ryan are too. She’s just kinda out of the loop.”
“You’re moving in with Mark?” I ask, having had no clue, and both Candace and Jase give me a look as if I should already know this. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I thought you knew,” Jase says.
“How would I have known if you didn’t tell me?”
“Sorry, I guess with everything going on, I just never brought it up,” he says.
“That’s great, man. I just didn’t know, that’s all.”
Candace gives me a smile and then turns back to Jase and says, “Anyways, I’m just not really sure where we stand.”
“I suggested that maybe we should all get together so Kimber can get to know me. You and Mark should be there too, though,” I tell him.
“That’s probably the best thing to do at this point,” Jase says as he looks to Candace.
“Okay, then. I’ll call her later and see when she’s free.”
Jase leans back in the chair and lets out a long breath, saying, “I’m relieved, girl.”
She lets out a giggle when she asks, “Why?”
“Because I hated the thought of not having you here. I’ve been a mess, and Mark has been stuck dealing with me.”
“Mark isn’t stuck. He loves you.”
“Still. I’m just glad that you’re staying and that you’re happy.”
Candace looks over to me and then back to Jase, saying, “Me too.”
After picking up her car and getting her luggage at the airport, we stopped by the storage unit Candace had rented to keep all the stuff that she wouldn’t have had room for in her apartment in New York. She doesn’t need much since I have everything she could possibly want already at my place, but we picked up a couple of boxes, and now we are shifting things in my room so that all of her belongings have a place.
She’s in the closet, hanging up her clothes, when I hear, “Ryan!”
Rushing in, I see her sitting on the floor, pulling out the canvas from behind the clothes where I had been hiding it.
When she looks up at me, she says, “I thought someone bought this.”
I lean against the doorframe and tell her, “It was me. I bought it.”
As she shakes her head, I say, “Did you really think I would let that hang in anyone’s house but my own?”
“But why is it shoved back here?”
Walking over, I sit down next to her and look at the picture that I haven’t seen in a long time and say, “Because it hurt too much to look at. It only reminded me of everything I lost.” I look at her and slide the picture back against the wall before I kiss her, leaning into her as she lowers herself to the floor.
Grabbing on to my face, she pushes me back slightly when she says, “I can’t believe you bought it.”
I press my lips into hers, dipping my tongue in to caress hers as she fists my hair in her hands. Our lips move slowly together, as she pulls my weight wholly on top of her. She keeps me close, running her hands underneath my shirt and up my back. We move slowly as we lie on the floor of the closet, her clothes strewn everywhere in the midst of combining our belongings. Making this place ours.
We spend the rest of the evening situating her things, but before it gets too late, I tell Candace, “I’m gonna give my mom a call.”
She acknowledges me as she continues to move things around, and I take a seat in the chair by the window while I call.
“Hey, Mom.”
“How are you?”
“Actually, I’m really good,” I tell her, and when I turn, I catch Candace grabbing her pajamas as she mouths to me, ‘I’m gonna take a shower.’
I give her a nod as my mom says, “Well, that’s good to hear.”
“I have some news I think you’ll like,” I goad and she falls into it, saying, “Don’t keep me in the dark. Tell me.”
“Candace is back. She’s moving in with me.”
“What? How did that happen?” she asks in total shock.
“She showed up here yesterday, and we talked everything out.”
“And she’s moving in?”
“She is moved in,” I clarify as I look at all of her things scattered around the room.
“That was quick.”
“It feels like it took forever,” I joke.
“You know what I mean,” she says. “How is she?”
“Good. I think we’re just both so worn out, but I was calling to see what your plans were for the Fourth.”
“No plans really. Why?”
“Candace and I want to come down for a few days. I know she misses you.”
“Of course,” she exclaims. “I miss her too. Is she around for me to talk to?”
“She’s in the shower, but I’ll have her give you a call tomorrow.”
“So . . . how are you feeling about all of this?” she asks in a more serious tone.
“Like this was how it was always supposed to be. Having her here with me. I felt completely lost without her, and now it just feels right again.”
“I’m so happy for you, dear. For both of you.”
When I hear the water shut off, I say, “Thanks, Mom. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Love you.”
“You too.”
I walk over and grab her empty luggage off the bed and take it downstairs to store it in the guest bedroom closet before heading back upstairs. Slipping into bed, I don’t have to wait too long before Candace comes out and crawls under the sheets with me.
As she lets out a heavy sigh, she says, “I’m exhausted.”
“It was a long day, huh?”
“Too long,” she says with a breathy laugh.
“So, my mom said we could come out for a visit. She’s anxious to see you. I told her you would call tomorrow.”
“Oh . . . umm . . .”
Seeing the hesitation on her face, I ask, “What?”
She inches down and lays her head on the pillow, and I do the same as we face each ot
her.
Reading her eyes, I ask, “What’s going on?”
“It didn’t feel weird to me until you called her.”
“Is that why you rushed in to take a shower?”
I watch as her eyes drop and I ask, “Tell me what makes this feel weird?”
She moves her eyes up to mine when she says, “Because she knows.”
“Knows what?”
“What you told her about what happened . . . to me.”
Pulling her in close, I tell her, “Please don’t let it make you feel weird. You know a lot of her secrets too, babe.”
“But she doesn’t know that. It’s awkward because I’m aware that she knows this about me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I hate that people know,” she mumbles as she rests her forehead against my chest while I run my hand down her back.
Leaning down, I kiss the top of her head. “I’m sorry I told her, I—”
She cuts me off, looking up at me and saying, “Don’t be sorry. I’m not mad about it, just embarrassed.” She quickly moves her fingers to my mouth to keep me from talking, adding, “And I know you’re gonna tell me to not be embarrassed, but there’s no way around it. I just am.”
I kiss her fingers and then take her hand, holding it against me. “She loves you. She has her own past that I know is embarrassing to her. She never wanted anyone to know either. That’s all I’m gonna say,” I tell her lightly and then put an end to all of the talking for some much needed kissing.
“She’s living with you?” Max questions before laughing and saying, “This from the guy who once gave me shit for Traci moving in with me.”
“Go ahead, man. Get your laughs in, but I don’t give a shit.”
“I know you don’t,” he says. “I’m really happy for you. I was getting tired of your broody side.”
Packing up my things, I let out a chuckle when I say, “Me too.”
“You guys should come over. I know Traci would like the company. She’s going a little crazy being at home every day.”
“Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll talk to Candace and call you. I gotta run though. She signed all of her contracts today with that ballet company, and I wanna be there when she gets home,” I tell him as I start heading out.
“See ya.”
When I get back to the loft, Candace’s car is already there, and when I walk in, she’s finishing up a phone call. I don’t wait as I go to her and pull her in for a hug, lifting her off the floor.
“Okay, thanks. I’ll see you then,” she says and then hangs up before kissing me.
“How did everything go?” I ask when I set her down.
“Good. I start tomorrow.”
“That soon?”
Smiling at me, she says, “Yeah. Auditions for the first performance run are in August.”
“You’re gonna have to explain how all this works, babe, because I don’t know the first thing about what your job is going to look like.”
We walk over to take a seat in the living room, and I reach out to set her on my lap as she explains, “Okay, so basically a season runs from September to June. I’ll have typical rehearsals throughout the week with about five to seven performance runs that I’ll have to audition for. Performance runs are around two weeks long with matinees and evening shows. Normally they have a two-month run around the holidays, but they cast two dancers for each role to divide up the schedule. So I’ll have some time off for Christmas, hopefully.”
“You seem excited.”
“I am, but I’m mostly nervous. Most of these girls have done their apprenticeships up there and already know each other. I’m the only one coming from a university,” she tells me.
“You’ll be fine,” I assure her. “I’m so happy for you, babe.”
I kiss her dimple when she smiles, and then ask, “Who were you talking to when I came in?”
“Oh,” she says as she sits up, looking a little flustered. “Um, that was Dr. Christman, my therapist. I needed to get back on her schedule. But . . . umm . . .”
“What is it?” I ask when she starts hesitating.
“Well, I told her what happened with the whole New York thing and moving in with you. She suggested that maybe you could come in with me for my next appointment, but you can say no,” she says timidly, avoiding my eyes.
“Why would I say no?” I question. I’ve never done the whole therapy thing, but for her, I’d do anything.
“Because it’s . . .”
“Embarrassing,” I answer for her.
“I know you’re sick of hearing that, but I can’t help it.”
“I’m not sick of hearing it, babe. I get it. You just tell me when, and I’ll be there,” I say, trying not to make too big of a deal about it for her.
Switching the subject, she tells me, “I invited Kimber to come over Friday night.”
“Jase and Mark coming over too?”
“Yeah, if that’s okay? I should have asked first.”
“This is your home, Candace. You don’t need to ask me if you want to have your friends over. It’s fine,” I tell her. “Max invited us over to hang out as well.”
“What about Gavin?” she asks out of the blue.
“What do you mean?”
“You still talk to him?”
“I haven’t seen him in a while. I think that friendship is dead. We’re just on totally different wavelengths,” I explain.
“When did that happen?”
“When he kept trying to sling chicks at me when all I wanted was you,” I tell her as I run my fingers through her hair.
She looks uncomfortable when her only response is, “Oh,” and knowing her so well, I go ahead and answer her unspoken question.
“No. I couldn’t even bear to look at another girl. You were all I ever wanted even when I didn’t have you.”
She runs her hands along my jaw before she kisses me with an affection that only she can show. Slipping my hand under her knees, I cradle her in my arms as I carry her upstairs and lay her down in our bed. We move at a leisurely pace as we remove our clothes, feeling the need to connect with each other in this way. She normally keeps herself tucked against me, bodies close, when we make love, but to see her now, completely relaxed underneath me as I move inside of her, it’s stunning. Her hair splayed around her face, her arms draped above her head, she’s completely exposed to me as I move up to my knees and watch her.
Seeing her this comfortable with me, a level of comfort I’d yet to experience with her, is something I wasn’t expecting. She’s beautiful as I reach down and grab on to her hips, lifting them off of the bed and completely flush against me as I move deeper inside of her. She has her whole body bared to me, and I can’t help but stare down at her and admire how perfect we look together like this. It’s overwhelming, and when she grips my wrists and thrusts up to me, I let myself fall on top of her as we both come. Her hands never let go of my wrists, as if she needs them there for support as we both continue to move, greedy to prolong our release.
She holds my hand as we walk into the dimly lit office of her therapist and take a seat on the small leather couch. Pulling her hand onto my lap, I can tell she’s nervous. Shit, I am too. I have no idea what to expect or what this lady plans on talking to us about.
“It’s good to see you again,” Dr. Christman says to Candace and then turns to me to introduce herself before saying, “It’s nice to finally meet you. Candace has filled me in on a lot already about the two of you, but I wanted to take this time to not only talk with you, Ryan, but to hear from both of you together. First, Candace, tell me what happened.”
“With New York?”
“Yes. Last we spoke, you were excited and happy to be moving on and starting something new. What changed?”
Her grip tightens on my hand as she adjusts herself, bringing her legs up onto the couch and folding them in front of her. I watch her as she begins to speak with Dr. Christman.
“I don’t think anything really
changed. I was sitting at the gate, about to board the plane, and all I could feel was sadness and regret. I was scared, but I realized that everything I was so scared about wasn’t the fresh start, but what I was leaving behind. It was like I was trying so hard to focus on my dream of New York that I completely shut out my dream of Ryan. Like I was trying to switch one for the other. Somewhere along the way my dream of New York changed, but I never allowed myself to see it until I was about to leave.”
It’s a little strange for me to hear Candace being so open. I’m not used to her speaking so freely, so I’m taken aback by her candidness.
“So what did you do?”
“I left the airport,” she tells her. “I felt like my world was spinning out of control, but in a good way. As soon as I got to his place and saw him, it was like all the happiness I lost when I lost him came rushing back. I just knew this was the choice I was supposed to make.”
Dr. Christman turns to me, and says, “I bet that came as a shock to you.”
“You have no idea,” I tell her with a chuckle.
“So, Ryan, Candace and I have spent a lot of time talking about your relationship and how the two of you came to split. Have you had a chance to explain to her the reasoning behind why you withheld who you were?”
“I feel like I have. I mean, I hope I have. We spent a few hours talking the other day, unraveling all the questions we each had.”
She looks over at Candace and asks, “Do you feel you got everything you needed from that conversation?”
“I think so,” she says in a shaky voice, and when I turn to look at her, she’s wiping her fingers under her eyes.
“Tell me why you’re crying,” she asks Candace.
“Because it was hard to hear. I’ve gone nearly a whole year without having to talk about what happened. And listening to him tell me what he saw that night . . . it’s just hard to hear and to know that he saw me like that.”
“Ryan, I’m curious. When you realized Candace was the girl you had seen that night, how did you deal with that?”
