“Are you pregnant?” he choked out, the words heavy in his throat. Bile and panic rose up, warred in his chest.
“Yes.”
“And the baby is mine?”
He heard her gasp before answering, “Yes.”
He’d wanted to hurt her with the words, for her to experience a tiny bit of the pain he felt. But even though he knew he had, it didn’t give him any relief from his own tumbling emotions. This was why he’d walled himself off for so long. This gut-wrenching pain, the same thing he’d felt when his parents had finally told him about his father’s illness. When it had been too late.
“How far along?”
“About seven weeks.” He heard her begin to clean up the fallen baking sheets. “It must have been the first time we were together.”
“We used protection.”
She gave a small laugh. “That’s what I told your sister but it’s not—”
He whirled and grabbed her arms, hauling her off the floor, the metal baking sheets clattering to the tile floor. “What do you mean when you told my sister?” He brought his face inches from hers. “Emily knows about the baby? You told my sister before you bothered to share the news with me? Who else knows?”
Her eyes widened. “No one knows. It wasn’t like that, Noah. She heard me getting sick one morning and she guessed.”
“When was this?” He gripped her harder, forced himself not to shake her.
“Last week. At the community center.”
He released her as suddenly as he’d taken hold of her. His head pounding, he stalked to the edge of the kitchen then back toward her. “Why does Tori know?”
“She overheard Emily and me talking. I didn’t realize until she came here today with her threats.”
“And the note?” he asked, remembering the other piece of venom that had spewed from Tori’s glossy lips.
She nodded, squeezed her eyes shut then opened them again. “I left it for you.”
“Why not tell me?”
“I don’t know. I was afraid you’d blame me. Kill the messenger and all that. It was stupid.”
“And at no time in the past eight years did you think to mention it?” His voice was steady even as his body shook with rage.
“I should have said something. I wanted to.” She dragged in a breath. “I just didn’t trust...”
“Me.” He spoke the word on an angry breath.
“I can only tell you I’m sorry. I regret it so much.”
“Because it was wrong or because I found out?” When she opened her mouth, he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter now. That doesn’t matter.” He glanced toward the counter, saw a sheet of muffin tins half filled with batter. That must have been what she was working on when Tori had interrupted her. He could see ripe blueberries floating in the yellow mixture and wondered if he’d ever be able to stomach another blueberry muffin. “You’re pregnant.” A thought struck him and he scrubbed one hand over his face. “God, Katie, you were pregnant when you fell off the inner tube. When we climbed to the top of your roof.”
“I didn’t know.” Her expression was miserable, and earlier this morning he would have done anything to ease her pain. The longer he stood here now, the less he felt. She’d brought him back to life, but he should have known it wouldn’t last.
“I should have been with you, Katie. When you took the test. At the doctor. I deserved to know.”
“I was going to tell you,” she said, her voice pleading with him to believe her. “Tonight at dinner. I wanted it to be special.”
“As special as my sister knowing a week before I did?” He knew he was being unfair because he’d planned to tell her how he felt during that same dinner. To say the words I love you and really mean them. Now he was bitterly grateful he hadn’t revealed his feelings earlier. He’d feel even more the fool that she hadn’t trusted him. “This wasn’t the plan, Katie. Hell, I don’t know how to be a father.”
Her face paled at his words, but she straightened her shoulders. “I want this baby, Noah. I know it wasn’t part of the plan, but it’s a blessing. I want to be a mother. I want our baby.”
“I want the baby, too, Katie. Don’t put words in my mouth like I’m suggesting anything else. But I need time to get used to the idea. Time you should have given me.”
“I know—” she began, but he held up a hand to stop her.
“I can tell you one thing I know for damn sure.” He was made of rock, no feeling left anywhere inside him. “I want this baby,” he repeated, hating the hope that flared in her eyes at his words. Hating her for giving him hope that someone could finally believe in him. “But I don’t want you.”
Chapter Seventeen
Katie stumbled back as if Noah had struck her. But the physical pain would be nothing compared to the heartache that ripped through her at his words.
She deserved it. She never should have waited to tell him. Despite what he believed, her own fear had held her back. The fear he wouldn’t want her or the baby. That he would feel obligated to stay with her.
This was worse.
“I love you, Noah,” she whispered, unable to offer him anything else. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“It’s not enough,” he answered, but what she heard was that she wasn’t enough. Because Katie had never been enough, and she couldn’t bake or volunteer or smooth over this hurt. She had nothing to give him right now but her love, and she wasn’t enough.
“I can’t...” He pushed his hand through his hair. He looked as broken as she felt. But still strong and so handsome in his uniform. She wanted to hold on to that strength but could feel the invisible wall between them. She knew what that meant. She’d seen the way his father’s death and Tori’s betrayal had ripped him apart. Watched as he’d shut himself off, pretended nothing was wrong and moved on.
He’d be moving on from her.
“I want to be involved.” He said the words with emotion, but his eyes were ice-cold. “When is your next doctor’s appointment?”
“Three weeks.”
He narrowed his eyes as if he didn’t believe her.
“He wants to do some early blood work. Everything is fine with the pregnancy, Noah. I don’t see the doctor regularly until closer to the due date.”
He gave a brief nod. “Text me the date and time. I’ll be there.”
He turned and stalked out of the kitchen. Katie’s legs finally gave way and she sank to the floor. He wanted the baby but not her. She’d lost the love of her life and her best friend. She wasn’t sure which was worse. Even as her feelings for Noah had ebbed and flowed over the years, he’d always been a constant in her life. Now she was alone, but also tethered to him by the life she carried inside her. How could she raise a child with a man who hated her?
A keening sound reverberated through the room and she realized it had come from her throat. She didn’t look up as Lelia came into the kitchen, couldn’t register the words the other woman spoke. The only thing that filled her mind was the hurt and anger on Noah’s face.
Later, maybe minutes or maybe hours, an arm slid around her shoulders.
“Let’s go, honey.” Natalie helped her to her feet.
“I can’t go out there,” she said, hitching her head toward the front of the bakery.
“Olivia’s parked in the alley out back.”
“Nat, I messed up so badly.” She bit back a sob, her legs beginning to crumple once more.
“Shhh,” her friend crooned. “Let’s get you to the car. One step at a time.”
Katie, who was always so reluctant to lean on anyone, held tight to Natalie and let herself be led out into the bright sunlight of another Colorado summer morning.
Natalie opened the back door of the Subaru wagon and Katie dropped into the seat. Her arms wouldn’t wo
rk, so Natalie strapped the seat belt across her. She met Olivia’s sympathetic gaze from the driver’s seat.
“Katie, what happened? Are you okay?”
She shook her head once then sucked back a sob.
“We’re going to take her home,” Natalie told Olivia as she climbed into the car and shut the door. “We’ll get her something to drink—maybe whiskey—and sort this out.”
“It’s not even noon,” Olivia whispered to Natalie. She looked at Katie in the rearview mirror as she pulled out of the alley. “How about a nice cup of tea?”
Natalie groaned. “She needs something strong for whatever this is.”
“Can’t.” To Katie’s own ears, her voice was a hoarse croak.
Natalie waved away her concern. “We won’t tell.”
“I’m pregnant.”
Olivia hit the brakes suddenly and the car lurched forward, the seat belt cutting into Katie’s chest. She wished it would slice all the way through so she could reach in and pull out her aching heart.
Neither of her friends spoke, but she saw them exchange a glance across the front seat.
“Tea, then,” Olivia said gently. “Or orange juice. OJ was my go-to drink in my first trimester.”
“I liked milk shakes.” Natalie shifted in her seat to glance at Katie. “Want us to stop for ice cream? We can make whatever kind of milk shake you want.”
The casual conversation seemed to lift Katie out of the fog threatening to engulf her. “I have vanilla ice cream at home. And strawberries.”
“Strawberry milk shakes all around,” Natalie answered with a smile.
She should have said something more, explained the circumstances. Although maybe it was obvious. Both women knew how babies were made, after all. Besides, she needed more time to pull herself together, to clean up the emotional wreckage around her heart.
She managed to get from the car to her door without assistance. She kept Natalie’s words in her mind—one step at a time. Moving still proved difficult, and once she’d made it through the front door her strength waned again. She collapsed on the couch, tucking her knees to her chest to make a tight ball as Olivia covered her with a blanket.
As she closed her eyes she heard the soft sound of her two friends talking in the kitchen then the whir of the blender. A few minutes later she started as something cool brushed her forehead. She sat up straighter, took the glass from Natalie and sipped. She was so cold on the inside that the milk shake almost seemed warm in comparison. But it was soothing, both to her stomach and her emotions.
“Our babies will be friends,” Olivia said as she gave Katie a gentle smile.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
Natalie reached over to pat her arm then took a slurping drink of milk shake. “You don’t need to explain to us.”
“I want you to understand. It was an accident...” Katie glanced between the two of them. “But I want this baby. I love this baby already.”
“Of course you do.”
Natalie made a face. “And Noah?”
“It’s no secret I love him, too.” Katie circled a drop of condensation with her finger. “But he wants nothing to do with me.”
“That can’t be true.” Natalie shook her head. “I saw how he acted on the Fourth of July. He loves you, honey.”
“I’ve known for a week,” Katie muttered. “I was afraid to tell him, but Emily heard me getting sick and guessed. His ex-girlfriend was listening as Emily and I talked. Tori came to the bakery today and threatened to reveal another secret I kept from him. That was bad enough but the pregnancy on top of it... He’s never going to forgive me.”
“He’ll come around,” Olivia said. “I mean, you were going to tell him soon.”
“You don’t understand. When Noah’s dad got sick, he was the last one to know. He’d had a tough senior year and his parents were worried about how the news of the cancer would affect him. They told Emily right away. By the time Noah found out, his dad only had a few months to live.”
“An unfortunate coincidence,” Natalie agreed. “But not insurmountable.”
“It is for Noah. And for me, too, in a different way. I spent most of my childhood feeling like an obligation to my parents. Having me held them back from how they wanted to live. I’m not going to be an unwanted burden for Noah. He made it clear that this wasn’t his plan. If he wants to be part of the baby’s life, I’ll welcome that. I won’t ask him for anything more.”
“And if he decides he wants more?” Olivia asked, placing her glass on the coffee table. “Today was a shock. He’ll recover from it and move forward. He cares about you. Those feelings aren’t wiped away in an instant.”
“He cared about me like a friend. Maybe it could have developed into something more if we’d had time. I don’t know.” She gave a strangled laugh. “I’ve loved him for over half my life. I tried to deny it, tried to turn off my feelings when I knew he didn’t return them. I want to be loved like that in return. Not because I’m having a baby or I’m helpful or easy to be with. I want to be loved in an everything sort of way.” She pointed to each of her friends. “What you have with Logan and Liam. A whole heart-and-soul kind of love. I deserve that.”
“You do, Katie,” Olivia said.
“Without a doubt,” Natalie agreed.
She shrugged. “I’m not sure Noah understands how to love like that.” She took a final drink of milk shake. “I thought he could, but if you’d seen how he looked at me today... There was nothing in his eyes. No emotion. He completely shut down, shut me out.”
“We’re here for you no matter what happens.” Natalie patted Katie’s knee.
She felt color rise to her cheeks. “Thank you for rescuing me from my meltdown. Sorry if I took you away from something important.”
“Nothing is more important than friends,” Olivia said.
“I can take Austin this weekend.” Katie turned to Natalie. “To thank you, as payback. If you and Liam—”
Natalie immediately held up a hand. “Girl, you better shut your mouth before I lose my temper.”
“About what?”
“You don’t need to pay me back for being your friend.”
“I just thought...” Katie began.
“You do far too much for other people...” Olivia added, “For this whole town. But you don’t owe anyone.”
“That’s what Noah told me.”
Natalie snorted. “He might be acting like an idiot now, but on that point I agree with him. You have a place here, Katie. It’s wonderful how you help everyone, but that isn’t why we care about you. We’re your friends. We’ll love you no matter what.”
“No matter what,” Katie repeated. It was what she’d wanted her whole life, never let herself believe she deserved. “I like the sound of that.” She glanced at the clock on the mantel above the fireplace. “I need to get back to the bakery. There’s so much going on and everyone must be wondering where I am.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I want to go back,” Katie interrupted Natalie. “The bakery is also part of me, just like helping out in the community. I like contributing.”
“Just so you know, you don’t always have to be the one on the front lines,” Natalie told her.
“I’m feeling better,” Olivia added. “I can take back some of the Founder’s Day Festival responsibilities. I feel horrible that we expected you to take over so I could deal with my pregnancy when you were having the same problems.”
“I’m fine.” When Natalie rolled her eyes, Katie slapped her gently on the arm. “I mean it. I’ve been to the doctor and everything looks normal.” She pointed at Olivia. “You had a serious scare. It’s different.”
“The spotting has stopped.” Olivia pursed her lips. “But Logan is still squawking about
bed rest.”
Katie smiled at the image of bad-boy Logan Travers squawking about anything. “Most of the work is done,” she said. “The subcommittee chairs have things under control. I’ll talk to Jase about extra help, but it’s not going to be you.”
“I can switch around some of my shifts at the nursing home to be available,” Natalie offered. Katie thought it was funny that although Liam Donovan was one of the richest men in Colorado, Natalie continued working as a nurse at a local retirement center and nursing home. And that Liam respected her choice.
Having a baby would definitely affect the hours she put in at the bakery, and she wondered how she’d balance everything. The thought made the milk shake start to gurgle uncomfortably in her stomach, so she tried to push the worries away. One step at a time.
“Thank you both,” she said again, standing and folding the blanket from her lap. “I’m not sure how I would have pulled out of my meltdown without help.”
“You’re not alone,” Olivia said gently.
“For the first time in a long while, you’ve made me believe that.” She bent to give each of the women a hug.
“Give Noah some breathing room,” Natalie advised, picking up the empty glasses from the coffee table. “The men around Crimson aren’t quick on the uptake, but they eventually do the right thing. Noah cares about you, Katie.”
She nodded, feeling the prick of tears behind her eyes. She still didn’t believe he loved her enough to make things right between them. And she couldn’t take having him in her life simply because he felt obligated to do the “right thing.” She finally realized that as much as she loved him, something so one-sided wasn’t enough anymore.
“Let’s clean up your kitchen,” Olivia said. “Then I’ll drive you back to the bakery if you’re sure you’re up for it.”
Thirty minutes later, she walked into Life is Sweet with a small pit of embarrassment widening in her stomach. Luckily, the café portion of the store was almost empty and only two customers waited near the front counter. Of course, it had been busier when first Tori then Noah had stormed out, and she didn’t relish the thought of being a hot gossip topic around town.
A Baby and a Betrothal Page 17
