What was she saying?
She couldn’t have sex with him without commitment, could she? But hadn’t she already? She was going to live her life without a committed partner, but she did intend to have sex again.
“I’d need it to be monogamous, just because anything else gets too complicated, and it opens the risk for the passing on of things,” she continued, blabbering on as she tried to think. Trying to keep talking so he couldn’t immediately take the option off the table.
“We already know we aren’t suited for anything more and both of us feel that way, so we’re going into it with our eyes open. And for now, while there’s no one else either of us want to sleep with, why not? We’re both adults.” She couldn’t seem to shut up.
Maybe she should have stopped before the stupid clichés started spurting out.
“This is something you want? Not something you’re agreeing to, to keep me happy?” he asked.
Like she said, they were friends. He knew her and had her back.
And she knew him, his sense of responsibility.
“I’ve been trying since Monday to figure out how I could possibly ask you to do me a favor and do that to my body again,” she said. “Because while it worked for the moment, it was so good it just made my hormones rage harder.”
His grin made her belly flop. “That good, huh?” he asked, his expression all male.
She smiled at him, tempted to kiss him and show him how ready she was, but knew she had to get to her sister. And didn’t want to show up all hot and bothered.
Growing serious, she said, “I don’t know if this is a good idea or not,” she said, “but I know it sounds like the right solution in my head. As long as we’re honest with each other. When you meet someone you think you want to date, or are ready to go find your wife, you tell me immediately. And if, after I have the baby and my hormones level out and I don’t want to have sex anymore, I tell you. Or, after I have the baby, we stop so it doesn’t complicate things with her.”
“Or anything else in between,” he added. “If it complicates things anytime, we stop.”
“Agreed.”
A glint came into his eye. “You busy tomorrow night?”
“No.”
“Your place or mine?” he asked. And then held up a hand. “Your place,” he answered for her. “And I’ll forgo the dinner.”
Right. Because they weren’t dating. But...
“We can order in,” he finished.
“But...” This was getting complicated already.
“You ever eat with your friends, Grace?” he asked, his use of her last name making her chuckle. She was making trouble where there was none. Or maybe she just didn’t want to see it lurking there.
“I’ll see you tomorrow night,” she told him, and turned her back before she screwed things up.
So their relationship wasn’t conventional. Angie wasn’t going to be happy about it, that was for sure. And maybe her sister had cause for concern. After all, Craig was eventually going to meet someone else and get married, while Amelia was going to be a single mother for the rest of her life. No way was she going to take a chance that Isabella would suffer from her issues as she and Angie had suffered from their mother’s. She had some definite blind spots. She struggled to trust herself emotionally, which hindered her ability to communicate what she was feeling sometimes.
So yeah, maybe she was going to get hurt.
And maybe, since she was the only one who would, she was willing to take that risk.
Chapter Nineteen
That next Friday night turned into three more just like it. With Wednesdays and Sundays thrown in in between them. Instead of meeting in parking lots, they were meeting at Amelia’s home, and instead of riding bikes, they were riding each other.
They’d have sex, with a little talk, and he’d always get up and leave her bed immediately following the act. He also kept himself from as much immediate contact with her burgeoning belly as he could. Tried not to think of the little girl growing there.
Craig couldn’t fall in love with the baby, too, any more than he already had. She wasn’t his.
Sometimes they ate together. A lot of times not. As though by mutual decision they weren’t spending much more time together than they had before.
He knew enough about the body and relationships to know that eventually passion would dim somewhat with familiarity and repetition. He told himself that when it did, they’d spend less and less time together. They’d drift back to their own lives, with occasional contact pertaining to Isabella’s welfare. Maybe he’d get school updates once in a while. Or have the chance to glance over medical records.
It wasn’t going to be enough. None of it was enough.
But he couldn’t walk away. No matter what the future brought, Amelia was someone he was never going to forget. And Isabella would always be a part of him.
He still hadn’t met Amelia’s sister. They hadn’t done anything together outside their predetermined appointments for physical exercise. He kind of liked it that way. The more people who came into their sphere, the more judgment there’d be. The more pressure. And questions.
He shied away from the possibility of questions most of all. Mostly because he knew them all and had no answers. He was a doctor. A healer. And couldn’t find his own cure.
And for the most part, he was fine with the arrangement for the time being. He’d spent a Saturday night with his folks and didn’t like not telling them that there was going to be a little girl named Isabella born with their genes. It would kill them to know they were going to be grandparents with no rights to see the child, which was one reason why he’d never mentioned the other child in the world carrying his genes. That one they’d understand more easily, in that the girl had loving adoptive parents, a complete family. They’d never in a million years understand his relationship with Amelia. Standing on the outskirts of the family, but not being a part of it.
He wasn’t sure he understood it himself. But it was working. He was happier being in her life than outside it. And she made it very clear that his visits were the highlight of her week.
Her belly was growing noticeably, but neither of them spoke of the baby she carried, other than a brief mention that she’d had a monthly checkup and everything was fine. And that had come only because she’d had to be a little later than usual one Wednesday night due to the after-work obstetrical appointment.
If she had a nursery prepared in her home, she didn’t mention it to him, and he purposely didn’t look. They had clearly established boundaries between them and they were both sticking to them as religiously as they were sticking to each other. He didn’t know about her, but for his part, he didn’t want to do anything that would rock their boat even a little bit.
It would happen at some point. She was going to deliver her baby and everything would change. She wouldn’t be free for three nights a week of dinnertime sex, for one thing. Unless she hired a babysitter, she wouldn’t be free for much of anything.
And maybe that would be the time that he met someone else and started his own life. Maybe this was only meant to last throughout gestation. He’d get to experience this beginning of his daughter’s life, to be with Amelia through her pregnancy, and then move on to start his own family. He’d be able to let Isabella go then. Just as he had with the Sanders family in Oregon.
He clung to the logic in that as, night after night, he poured himself into Amelia, holding on as though he never had to let go.
But he knew he did. And that when the time came, he would.
* * *
Amelia loved being pregnant. She loved feeling her daughter move inside her, sharing her body. Loved being a part of the miracle of creation. Of knowing that she was helping to bring a human being into the world—someone who might grow up to make the world a better place.
And she loved the passi
on she felt in Craig’s arms, night after night. Who knew hormone surges could provide such a wonderful side effect?
She’d figured the way he made her body buzz would fade, but as weeks passed she craved him more, not less.
Lying in his arms one Wednesday night, having just exploded with an orgasm that went on and on, she wished he’d just spend the night for once. She needed to sleep and didn’t want to wake to find him gone.
Snuggling against his naked body as he lay on his back beside her, she rested her belly up against his side, finding his support of the weight rather nice, and closed her eyes.
Just as she was drifting off, Isabella jabbed her a good one about an inch below her right rib. There’d be another one or two, and then the baby would settle, she knew. The pattern was becoming pretty regular, almost as though the baby was telling her good night...
“I gotta go.”
Before she’d even comprehended the meaning of his words, Amelia was lying naked and alone with the cold breeze left by Craig’s abrupt departure from the bed. He was stepping into the beige shorts he’d worn. A black, short-sleeved shirt half hung off the end of the bed.
“Wait.”
He buttoned and zipped his shorts, reached for his shirt. She grabbed it.
“What’s wrong?” she asked him. So she’d been reaching a bit, thinking he might stay. She knew he had to get home to Talley. But he also didn’t usually jump out of bed so fast that she felt as though she’d been dumped. Not since that first time.
“Nothing. Come on, give me my shirt.”
She lifted it to her breasts, covering them. He turned, clearly avoiding her.
“Look at me,” she said. “Please.”
When he did, her whole being settled into a sense of foreboding. “Craig?”
There was pain in the shimmery glint in his eyes, in the tightness around his mouth.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me. We said this would only work if we were honest with each other. What’s going on? Did you meet someone?”
Dread filled her, a painful weight starting to bloom in her chest. She’d known it was going to happen. Was prepared for it to happen. But had put off dealing with it until the baby was born. Somehow, in her mind, she’d settled into the idea that she had Craig until after Isabella came.
He looked at her, but didn’t answer.
“Did you?” she asked, and then, forcing into her voice a lightness she absolutely didn’t feel, said, “Because if you did, it’s okay! You just need to tell me. We’ll still be friends, and you can get whatever updates you want or need on Isabella.”
“Give me my shirt.”
She handed it to him, getting up to grab a pair of lightweight sweats and a T-shirt, pulling them on as she followed him out to her living room.
“Please don’t leave like this.” She had tears in her voice, and her eyes. “I understand if you’re done. But... I don’t...we said we were friends...” And then it dawned on her. “She doesn’t want me in your life, is that it?”
It made sense.
“No!” He turned, anger in his voice. “That’s not it, Amelia. There is no ‘she.’ There’s no one. I told you, everything’s fine. I just need to get home. I have a long day tomorrow. An early appointment.”
Perhaps a difficult diagnosis. Or hard news to impart. She wanted to believe that was all it was.
But he hadn’t given any indication when he’d arrived that evening that anything was amiss. It wasn’t until...
She thought back... She’d been falling asleep—which wouldn’t have upset him, would it? They’d both dozed before for a few minutes when their coupling had been particularly energetic—and satisfying.
There’d been nothing... Isabella had said good night and...
He’d flown out of bed.
She stared at him.
“You felt her kick.”
His nostrils flared, his lips tightening. “I told you, it’s nothing.”
But it clearly was.
* * *
As Amelia stood before him, asking him not to leave, Craig thought to himself that he’d come off a hard day—nothing critical, just a flu going around with a crowded office of people who didn’t feel well and didn’t need to be waiting to get in to see him. A day when his PA had called off at the last minute for similar symptoms.
And he did have a full schedule the next day, starting with an early appointment to accommodate one of the first patients he’d ever had—a young man who was now in college and commuting to LA every day for classes. He needed a sports physical and didn’t want to see anyone but Craig.
“This is hurting you.”
He could continue to deny the truth. To lie to her. And it would serve no purpose. She’d figured it out.
“Life hurts, Amelia. You know that. There’s no avoiding it. So yes, sometimes...maybe more lately...it’s hard sometimes. But being with you, great sex aside, is one of the best parts of my week. I look forward to seeing you. I’m just tired tonight. I need to get home and spend a little time with Talley before bed. Everything will be fine in the morning.”
“No,” she said, her nose only inches from his chin as she lifted her face to look him right in the eye. “We said this was only going to continue as long as it worked. But it’s not really, is it? This isn’t like that little girl in Oregon, with two parents in a happy family. You’re starting to bond with Isabella, aren’t you?”
“No.” He met her gaze full-on. “And that’s what’s hard sometimes. Remembering that she’s not mine to bond with.”
“You want her to be yours.”
He didn’t want to get into it. Not then. “No,” he said again, and glanced over her shoulder, needing a breather. Then looked back at her. “I want her to be yours, Amelia.” Lifting a hand, he smoothed a strand of her long, silky auburn hair back behind her ear. Hair that had been splayed across his naked body less than an hour before. “I care about you,” he told her. “I’m glad that I’m the one giving you your family. That I’m the one who helped make your dreams into reality.” Complete truth. He just wasn’t sure it would be enough.
She shook her head. “No, this has to stop,” she said, backing away from him. “If I’m hurting you, it has to stop.”
“Amelia, don’t do this.”
“I have to.” She had tears in her eyes again. “I can’t knowingly hurt you. Because I care, too, Craig, and it’s not right for me to continue to take my pleasure at your expense.”
She could have just been talking about the sex. He knew she wasn’t.
“I’m a grown man. I can take care of myself.”
“Then do it,” she said.
Then do it. That was coming from a woman who’d given up self to please the one she was with. Three simple words that made everything clear.
Being around her was the highlight of his week. And the lowlight, too. Because he was kidding himself. He wasn’t ready to walk away. He’d never be ready.
She was the woman he loved. And she was carrying his daughter.
She came toward him again, slowly, holding his gaze the whole time. His heart softened, as though for a second it held hope. Lifting up, she kissed him. A kiss unlike any they’d shared.
There was no passion. Just a promise of good thoughts, of connection and kind regard always. She was kissing him goodbye.
“Please, please call if I can help in any way,” she said, stepping back.
That was his cue. He nodded. “Will you do the same?”
She nodded.
“Honestly?”
“I swear, Craig. It’s the least I can do for you. You can rest assured that if you don’t hear from me, she’s fine.”
“And you,” he said. “I...care, Amelia. If you ever need anything, if there’s anything I can do to h
elp, I want you to call. It would make me happy.”
She nodded, her lower lip trembling, and turned, heading slowly down the hall, clearly leaving him to let himself out.
He stood there, watching his family walk out of his life, wanting to go after them. Wondering if he was making a mistake. And knowing he wasn’t. A break now was hard. But after Isabella came and life settled into something that wasn’t right for either of them, a break would still come. And it wouldn’t be just the two of them hurting then. It would be Isabella, too.
Grabbing his keys, he left.
Chapter Twenty
Amelia cried for a while after Craig left. She cried for a life she couldn’t have. Cried because she’d hurt him. And hurt herself again, too, even after swearing to herself that she wouldn’t let it happen. Because she couldn’t make things better for them. Because she missed him already. And then she lay in her bed, her head where his had been, her hand on her belly, and took comfort from the fact that it was his daughter growing inside her.
She’d looked at a lot of profiles of potential sperm donors—all were good ones. The Parent Portal screened very carefully. She could have picked any number of them.
She was so thankful she’d chosen him. And fell asleep telling herself that everything was going to be all right.
The “breakup” hurt in the moment, but she and Craig would both be fine. They’d known their time together wasn’t going to last forever. With a little time to get some distance and perspective, they’d be fine. Able to talk on the phone now and then, keep up with each other’s lives.
She went to sleep feeling somewhat better. But she woke up with a cloud that followed her everywhere and continued for days. No matter what she did, where she was, what she told herself or did to distract herself, she couldn’t shake the darkness.
And if she gave in to it, she cried. Which was how Angie found her the following Tuesday afternoon, six days after Craig had walked out of her life forever. Sitting at her drawing table, a necklace design that had been going well and then nowhere, ruined by her tears.
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