by M. Robinson
“Now you, Jacob,” I rasped against his ear. “You can go to hell.”
And with that I walked away, not sparing him a second glance.
We were home on Christmas break from Ohio State, Dylan, Lucas, and I all got accepted. It was our freshman year and it proved to be challenging and different. We were all nineteen and grew up in the small town of Oak Island, North Carolina. Moving to a big city like Columbus was a drastic change for us, but I think it was one we all needed. Although dealing with Lucas’s and Dylan’s sour fucking faces every day made me question my decision to move in with them on a daily basis.
We lived off campus in a three-bedroom apartment, finally being on our own away from home, I thought this would be the time of our lives. But Dylan was miserable and he made the rest of us miserable, too. He missed the shit out of Aubrey, his girlfriend of three years. She was still back home finishing her senior year of high school along with Austin, who got accepted to Ohio State a few weeks ago too. I couldn’t tell if he was excited or not. I never understood what was up with him, other than the fact that he fucked anything that had a hole and two legs. Always trying to be a rebel in a way. Dylan spent most of his time trying to talk to Aubrey, who happened to be busy more often than not. I think we all saw it coming, except maybe him.
Now Lucas… fuck, all the shit that had been going on between him and Alex throughout the years. He thought that no one knew, they both did. They thought we were oblivious to it all.
We weren’t.
Especially me.
It made me sick to my fucking stomach just thinking about them in that way, she was like our little sister, always had been and always would be. Fucking following us around since she could crawl. We all loved her. Lucas wasn’t good enough for her and I had to remind him constantly, making me sound like a goddamn broken record. I was just as exhausted from repeating the same shit over and over as I imagined he was sick of hearing it. I did everything I could to keep them apart. He needed to get his fucking head out of his ass and start seeing her the way we all did.
The way he was supposed to.
We were all sitting in Lucas’s living room, arguing about what to watch on TV. Dylan and Aubrey cuddling in the armchair while Alex lay on the floor with a blanket and pillow, Lucas not far from her. Austin sprawled out on the love seat and I sprawled out on the other sofa.
“Whatcha guys watchin’?” Lily asked, walking into the room with her guitar around her neck. She was thirteen but appeared much younger, sweet and innocent, like Alex.
I smiled. “About to watch Freddy vs. Jason.”
“What’s that?” she replied, moving my legs to sit down beside me.
“A scary movie, Lily, you can’t watch this. You won’t sleep. Mom and Dad will kick my ass when they get home,” Lucas called out from the floor, looking back at her.
Her face flushed, it was quick, but I saw it. She peered down at her lap before I gave it any more thought.
“Yes I will,” she softly whispered, strumming a few strings on her guitar.
“Lily, you hate scary sh—”
“I’m fine,” she argued, looking at him with wide eyes.
Lucas sighed and shook his head. “Whatever. Jacob’s crashing here tonight so you won’t be able to sneak into my room.”
“I won’t.” She looked over at me from the corner of her eye, and I moved my stare back to the TV.
I assumed she was embarrassed since we were all so much older than her. Lucas turned back and lay down, scooting a little closer to Alex. I shook my head in disappointment. Lily placed her guitar on the ground next to the couch. I pulled the blanket from the back of the sofa and handed it to her. She smiled, taking it from me and laying it over both our bodies. The movie started and it didn’t take long for her to curl up into a little ball, biting her fingernails and hiding her face in the blanket.
She screamed and jumped a few times throughout the movie, completely mortified every time it happened. When the movie was over Lucas offered to take Half-Pint home, Austin left saying he was meeting up with a girl, and Dylan and Aubrey left shortly after, too. I stayed on the couch channel surfing with a nervous Lily sitting beside me.
“Why are you so jittery?” I asked, looking at her.
She bit her lip before whispering, “I have to go to the bathroom.”
I chuckled, “So go to the bathroom.”
She bit her lip again. “I’m scared,” she said loud enough for me to hear.
“Lillian.”
She immediately turned toward me at the sound of her name, like she needed to hear me say it.
“It’s fake. It’s not real. It’s just a movie.”
She nodded and looked back at the TV. A few minutes later she still hadn’t gotten up. The house was dark, the only light coming off the television screen. I stood up.
“Where are you going?” she questioned, trying to hide the panic in her voice.
“To the kitchen. I’ll be right back. Do you want anything?”
“No,” she replied uneasily.
I walked over to the light switch and turned on all the lights in the living room. I also turned on every light on my way to the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of water and made my way to the bathroom, even though I didn’t have to go. I made sure to turn on every light that led to it as well as the bathroom itself. I made my way back to the couch, not saying one word to her, taking off my ball cap, and lying back down in the same position I was in for the last few hours.
Not thinking twice about what I had just done.
I tried to hide the surge of emotions that I felt for him at that moment. I knew he turned on every light for me. He didn’t have to admit it or say it. He did it because he loved me. I left before he could see it written all over my face, grabbing his ball cap from the coffee table and placing it on my head. On my way to the bathroom, I made sure to check all around me once I was out of his sight. I also left the bathroom door open just in case. I left all the lights on when I went back to the couch, and it didn’t take long for Jacob to get up pretending once again that he was going to the kitchen in order to turn them all back off.
We sat in comfortable silence until Lucas came back home, followed by my parents shortly after him. Everyone was getting ready to turn in, and I dreaded the fact that I had to sleep by myself. I was mentally kicking myself for watching that stupid movie.
Why would I watch a movie where the scary dude could get you while you were sleeping?
Lucas was about to shut off the TV and I started to internally panic.
Maybe I could sleep outside his door and they wouldn’t notice?
“Lucas,” Jacob said out of nowhere, making us both look at him.
“Let’s sleep out here tonight. It’s fucking hot in your room.”
He shrugged. “I don’t care.”
I bolted off the couch before he changed his mind.
“I’ll get the blankets.”
I made each of us our own little beds. Lucas on the love seat, Jacob on the sofa, and me on the armchair since I was the smallest. Lucas passed out a little while later as my eyes started shutting with exhaustion. I heard the TV click off and shortly after Jacob said, “Night, Kid.”
I smiled into my blanket half asleep, with his ball cap still on top of my head, knowing he slept in the living room…
For. Me.
“Ain’t karma a bitch?” I announced, catching Jacob off guard as he stared at the now empty parking space that I assumed his car was parked in. “I guess you didn’t get the memo about downtown being tow happy, huh?” I mocked, pulling out my car keys from my purse.
He took a deep breath, his deep penetrating stare moving from me back to the empty space. He was pissed, which only provoked me to continue to mess with him. If he thought I was the naïve girl he left three years ago then he had another thing coming.
“Looking at the parking spot isn’t going to make your car magically appear.”
He looked at me again, but this time
there was something behind the intensity of his eyes that I couldn’t quite place. Like it pained him to look at me.
Why?
“Shitty things happen to shitty people,” I stated, smiling. He still hadn’t said anything and that wasn’t like Jacob at all. Especially when it came to my smart-ass mouth. His silence started making me feel uneasy, I knew he felt it.
Jacob knew me as well as I knew him.
Hours…
Days…
Years…
Couldn’t change that, hell decades couldn’t change that.
“What are you doing here so late anyway? The bar closed an hour ago,” I asked, mostly because I wanted to shift the focus away from the effect he still had on me.
“Waiting for you,” he finally spoke with a sincere expression on his face that made my heart flutter.
I scoffed, “I’m not a kid, Jacob. I don’t need you to babysit me anymore.”
He immediately stepped forward, making me subconsciously step back. My response didn’t surprise him. It was almost as if he expected it.
“It’s late, Lillian.”
Fuck him for using my full name.
“No shit, Sherlock.”
“What kind of boss lets you walk to your car by yourself this late at night?”
“The kind who minds his own goddamn business. I don’t need anyone to look out for me. I’ve been doing a great job on my own these last few years.”
He grimaced, not bothering to cover it up. It confused me more than anything.
Why?
“You never needed anyone to look out for you, Kid, but it never stopped me before and sure as hell won’t stop me now.”
I scowled. “Don’t—” I stepped back again. The heel of my boot got caught on the pavement. My foot twisted. Jacob grabbed me around my waist, pulling me into his strong frame. My hands gripped his muscular arms, gasping at the sudden closeness between us, inadvertently peering up at him through my lashes. His hooded dilated eyes were the first thing I noticed. Then it was his lips, so fucking close to mine. All it would take was for one of us to speak and they would touch. We were a feather apart.
His breathing ran rapidly like mine, both of us waiting for the other to make the first move. I hated that my body wanted one thing and my mind told me another, both at war with each other.
My heart.
Betraying me once again.
It. Wanted. Him.
And that… I hated that, too.
All it would take is for me to say one word. One fucking word and my lips would be on hers. It would be as simple as that, and just as I was about to throw caution to the wind and claim her mouth the way I claimed her heart all those years ago, the spell was broken. The sound of a garbage can rattling nearby broke the passion that hovered between us. The same passion that had been there since I made her mine.
She pushed off my chest. “Call a cab, go home, Jacob,” was all she said, stepping around me to leave.
“My cell phone died.”
She turned with her cell phone out in her hand.
“I don’t remember where my hotel is,” I lied, but she didn’t have to know that.
She cocked her head to the side with a questioning stare.
“I barely know how to get back to the airport. I can call a cab, but what good is that going to do? I have no idea where my car was even towed. The hotel address is programmed into my GPS, and I didn’t even pay attention to the hotel’s name.”
If this were a few years ago, she would have known that everything that just spewed from my mouth was complete and utter bullshit.
Now I was a lawyer.
Enough said.
She bit her bottom lip. It took everything inside me not to bite it for her.
“You want to be responsible for me sleeping out on the side of the street?” I added for good measure.
The ice-cold demeanor she tried to portray didn’t fool me. Lily was as sweet as they come.
She sighed. “Fine. Come on.”
She turned and I grinned, placing my hands into the pockets of my slacks, following her a few streets over to her truck. She still drove the same Chevy truck that she begged her parents to buy her on her sixteenth birthday. It was the same exact truck Lucas had. She didn’t care that she could barely see over the steering wheel. She loved her brother and looked up to him. I would be lying if I said it didn’t pain my heart knowing we were in the same exact situation that would never end for us.
She was still my best friend’s baby sister.
She turned on the radio loud enough to where we couldn’t have a conversation. I knew what she was doing, and I allowed her reclusive behavior. I would let her get her thoughts together because whether she wanted it or not we were putting everything on the fucking table. I was done running. It didn’t take long for us to pull into her driveway. The soft landscape lighting highlighted the column features to her bungalow style home, screaming Lily, and I hadn’t even walked inside yet. I followed her inside, shutting the door behind me as she dropped her keys and purse on the entry table.
Her house was small as shit but perfect for her. An open floor plan led to the kitchen and the living room. There was a hallway to the left, which I assumed led to her bedroom and bathroom. Black and white pictures were scattered on different walls. I noticed I wasn’t in a single frame, not even in a group picture.
Motherfucker.
I remembered that picture, I was next to Half-Pint in that one. Little shit cut me out. I was about to call her out on it, but I heard a meow, a gray fat cat purred by my feet.
I bent down and picked him up. “Hey there,” I greeted, rubbing behind his ears. “What’s your cat’s name?”
“Jacob,” she shouted from the kitchen.
“Yeah?” I looked up as she walked back into the living room, leaning against the wall with a bottle of water in her hand.
“Jacob. That’s his name.”
I cocked my head to the side, an amused expression quickly falling over my face. “You named your cat after me?”
She folded her arms across her chest in defiance, and I knew the next thing that fell from her lips would be complete and utter bullshit.
“Well he’s an asshole and he uses me.” She smiled big and wide. “Seemed fitting,” she spewed.
I stood there stunned. I wasn’t expecting that.
She nodded toward the cat. “Don’t eat that one.”
I laughed, but that was Lily. Cold one second and hot the next. It was nice to see that some things hadn’t changed.
“So, you do remember?”
“I remember a lot of things and because of those things, you’re lucky you’re even in my house.”
“Lillian—”
“Don’t,” she paused to let her simple yet pungent word sink in. “The guest bedroom is down the hall to your right, I only have one bathroom and it’s across from your bedroom. I have somewhere to be early tomorrow morning. Make sure you’re gone by the time I get back.”
Her venomous tone snapped me back to reality. “So, we can’t be.”
“No.”
I pursed my lips trying to figure out a way to smooth this over. “At least let me treat you to breakfast.” All I needed was more time with her, to remind her what she meant to me. “Please,” I added.
She didn’t utter one word before she turned and left the room. Barely giving me a second glance. I took it as a good sign. I made sure to wait till she finished up in the bathroom before going in there.
I was in her house and all I could do was think about…
How to stay there.
I hated that I let him come home with me.
I hated that he was in my fucking house.
I hated that he was sleeping right next door to me.
Most of all I hated that I wanted nothing more than to take him up on his offer for breakfast. The fact that I wanted to strap myself to my bed because I could feel my body being physically drawn to him as if he were a magnet pulling me
into his vortex didn’t help. I desperately tried not to let my mind wander to a time when I loved him. I dated several men throughout the years and I never let it get further than a few dates. I wouldn’t get attached to another man. It wasn’t in the cards for me, and a little part of me hated him for that, too. I had always been in love with the idea of love, and the first time I experienced it he showed me the reality of the fantasy I had in my head.
I was lonely.
My brother was married to Alex, they had been for over two years. I was ecstatic for them. Words couldn’t describe how much I longed for a relationship like theirs. It took them a long time to get to the place they were now. Alex had always been like a sister to me and now it was official, too. I didn’t ever want to rely on another man like I did with Jacob. I wouldn’t allow it. Of course, I had sex, but I also didn’t give it out freely. I was never that kind of girl, and I wasn’t going to start being one because Jacob hurt me. Plus I had a drawer full of battery-operated boyfriends and most of the time they finished the job those randoms couldn’t perform. I ached for Jacob in the same way I always had, but I still hated him, and I hoped that emotion would never go away. I just had to stay strong and stand my ground.
At the end of the day, he was still the same good ol’ boy that had fucked me over.
Get it together, Kid, just remember he’s an asshole. Mind over matter.
I tossed and turned the entire night, waking up before my alarm, which was set for seven am. I lied. I didn’t have to be anywhere. I just didn’t want to spend any more time with him than was necessary, so I took my guitar and went to my favorite park down the street from my house. I got lost in my music, letting my confusion express itself through my lyrics and strings. It was ten am by the time I got back to my house.
I laid my guitar on the couch and walked into the guest bedroom, the bed was made and it looked like no one had even been in the room. For a quick second, I allowed myself to be sad that he didn’t say goodbye to me though I quickly brushed that emotion away and out of my heart. I listened to my iPod, it was the only way to protect myself from the thoughts and sentiments that were brewing. I debated on whether or not to wash the sheets, I could smell him everywhere, his scent was as suffocating as it was addicting. I closed the door and turned to go into my bathroom to shower, needing to wash away the lingering traitorous thoughts of Jacob.
