by M. Robinson
I opened the door and stopped dead in my tracks. Instantly, the glass fell from my hand, shattering on the floor with glass shards and water spilling by my feet. Everything suddenly happened in slow motion.
“Fuck!” Dad shouted, pulling out of her and yanking up his pants. She shrieked, jumping off the bed, running around to grab her scattered clothes.
The fucking bastard doing the same.
I. Stopped. Breathing.
All I could see was my father as he fucked her from behind, her tits bouncing, gripping her hips as he slammed into her, both of them covered in sweat.
A woman…
A woman who wasn’t my mother.
I recognized her as she ran past me and out of the room. She’d been working at the store for years. My mom…
Fuck, my mom.
That’s when I lunged for him, shoving him up against the wall. “How could you do this to my mom? You piece of shit!”
“Jacob,” he roughly gritted out, gripping my hands that were on his collared shirt.
“Answer me, goddamn it,” I demanded through clenched teeth.
“Let. Go. Now,” he ordered in a tone that I could never respect again.
I did, but not because I wanted to. I did it for my mom.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this." My hand gesturing to the bed. "In the house she made you a fucking home! In your goddamn bedroom! You’re such a fucking bastard,” I roared, ready to go at him again.
He put his hand out in front of him, knowing what I was thinking. “It’s not what you think.”
“It’s not? I didn’t just walk in on you fucking another woman?”
“Jacob… your mother and I. Jesus Christ.” He rubbed his forehead. “It’s been years. Years since we’ve been happy.”
“So that excuses you having an affair? You can’t be fucking serious?”
“She knows.”
I jerked back like he had hit me with a goddamn sledgehammer.
“Your mother betrayed me.”
“I don’t understand. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You wouldn’t. I didn’t want to tell you like this. I never wanted you to find out like this. I swear to you.”
“What?”
He shook his head like he didn’t want to say it.
“WHAT!” I yelled so fucking loud, pushing over the lamp and making him jump.
“A few years ago. Fuck… Jacob. Oh, God.” He looked up at the ceiling.
“Just fucking say it!” I yelled at him, trying to keep my fists at my sides.
He looked deep into my eyes and spoke with conviction,
“I’m not your father.”
“NO!” Mom screamed from behind me, making us both look back at her.
“How could you do this, Lee? How could you fucking do this to me? You said you would never tell him! You promised me he would never know! How could you betray me like that!” she shouted not moving from the door.
“Betrayal? Oh, come on, Ginger, you want to start talking about fucking betrayal?” Dad replied, both of them lost in their own conversation as my whole world came tumbling down.
“That’s not what happened. I told you—”
“I don’t fucking believe you! I’ve never fucking believed you! Why do you think I got a DNA test? How many times did I have to fucking hear from people that he looks nothing like me? From our friends, from our families, from goddamn strangers at the fucking park! Tell me! How many fucking times is it okay to hear that until you start to question it yourself?”
I sat down on the edge of the bed, I had to. Bile rising in my throat, my body giving out on me. I had heard that I didn’t look anything like my father ever since I could remember, the boys, Alex, fuck… even Lily telling me we looked nothing alike.
Some kids don’t look like their parents? Right? Isn’t that normal?
“I never betrayed you, Lee. Never.”
“What the fuck is going on? Someone needs to tell me before I lose it,” I murmured loud enough for them to hear.
My mom watched me with an expression that will forever haunt me as if she was dying right in front of me.
Fuck… I couldn’t go through this again.
“Tell him, Ginger, lie to your son like you have to me.”
I looked at her with pleading eyes, and she bowed her head not being able to meet my gaze. “Jacob, you know your father and I had been friends for years before we got together. We all have… he had been pursuing me for months and I…I… I don’t know. I was young. We both were. We were graduating from high school. Lily’s mom and I… we went to a college party one night and we had been drinking. I met this guy, he was nice, God… I don’t even remember his name. I barely remember what he looks like. It was all one big blur, it was over before it even started.” Tears slid down her face, her body shaking.
“I’m so ashamed… I swear, Jacob, I wasn’t like that… that’s not who I was.”
“Right, Ginger? Because you didn’t spread your fucking legs for me three days later. You fucking trapped me, I was your ticket out of being a single mother.”
I snapped.
I charged him. I rammed my body as hard as I could into the man who raised me like I was his own. To the man who I thought was my father for the last twenty-six years. To the man who I loved and respected. To the man who I know as nothing but my father.
“YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER LIKE THAT!” I yelled loud enough to break glass. His back hitting the wall with so much force that he broke through the drywall. I moved away from him, hunching over and dry heaving from the adrenaline on the floor. My mom immediately came toward me, rubbing my back, apologizing profusely.
“I swear, Jacob, I swear on your life that I didn’t know. I never knew. I wouldn’t do that to you or to your father. I swear on everything I didn’t know. We used a condom. I didn’t with your dad. Please, believe me…” she sobbed into my back.
My dad stumbled from the wall, shaking drywall off his body from the impact of my blow. I stood and we locked eyes.
“If you believe her, Jacob, you’re a very stupid man.”
I didn’t falter, the emotion taking over. “It still doesn’t excuse you fucking someone in our house. In the home you built a family. In the bed you have shared with my mother, your wife, for the past twenty-six years. This is your kid’s home. This is the only house I’ve ever known. Now when I think of this place all it’s going to make me feel is fucking sick. So no, Dad, it doesn’t fucking excuse that. You tainted everything.”
“Jacob, I—”
“Leave.”
“Jacob—”
“Leave. I won’t ask you again.” I stepped toward him in a menacing way.
He shook his head, looking at me with disappointment in his eyes before he turned around and left. I walked to the bed, needing to sit down. My legs giving out on me, I didn’t know anything anymore. I was in a daze where I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t even fucking think.
My mom sat in front of me on the balls of her feet. “Baby, please tell me you believe me.”
I shook my head. Was I crying? How long had I been crying?
“Mom, I can’t. I can’t right now. Please don’t ask me anything. Please…not now.”
She nodded in understanding. I fell into her lap and cried like a fucking baby. I bawled for hours while she held onto me so tightly. Whispering soothing words of comfort and rocking me back and forth.
I didn’t think about Mr. Ryder.
I didn’t think about Lucas.
I didn’t think about Lily.
All I thought about…
That I had no clue who I was.
They ripped me of my identity…
And they didn’t even know it.
Jacob didn’t call me last night and I figured it was because he was spending time with his parents. I left him alone the next day because I knew he was going to be with Lucas in the morning and then my dad after that. I didn’t need to burden him with my
worries, he was confident that everything was going to be okay and I didn’t want to burst his bubble.
I trusted him.
I woke up early that morning, feeling like I hadn't slept the entire night. I watched the clock, counting down the hours until my dad got home, or till Lucas walked through the door. I watched for Jacob’s car to pull up into my driveway. I waited for it all. When I heard my dad parking his car in the garage, I sat on the couch patiently waiting for him to walk inside and tell me everything was okay.
He walked inside like it was any other day. He kissed my head, asked how my day was, not mentioning Jacob at all. Not a word about his afternoon, or their talk, nothing. I immediately called my brother, mentally preparing myself for the wrath of Lucas. It never came. It was the same with him as my dad. I didn’t mention the breakfast because I didn’t know about it as far as Lucas was concerned. It didn’t matter anyways, he didn’t say a word about it either. He talked to me like he always did, nothing had changed. When I got off the phone with him, it was near eight o’clock.
What the fuck was going on?
I hadn’t heard from Jacob, which was really unlike him. I told myself I was just being paranoid, but panic was creeping up on me. I couldn't shake this awful feeling. Maybe I was reading too much into it. He would never hurt me again. He wouldn’t lie to me again.
He promised.
He loved me. He told me he loved me.
I waited…
I waited all night. Finally, my phone pinged with a text message and Jacob’s name appeared on my screen. I smiled, for the first time that day, finally able to breathe again. My anxiety easing. I swiped over the screen and all it said was…
I’m sorry. I can’t.
“Oh my God, Jacob,” I wept with tears falling down my face. “That’s why you left?”
He nodded. There were no more words left for him to say.
“I can’t… holy shit. Does anyone know?”
“Alex.”
My eyes widened. “You told Alex and not me?”
“Not because I wanted to. Fuck, after I left, I knew I broke your heart. I knew there was no coming back from that. I couldn’t lie to you again. If there was one promise I was going to keep it was that one. I wasn’t ready to be honest with you either. So I shut you out. It took me almost two years to admit it to myself, Lily. Two fucking years of my life I spent trying to figure shit out. Trying to figure out who I was. I didn’t know who to fucking believe. My parents were both in the wrong. Both of them fucked up. I couldn’t talk about it with my sisters because they didn’t even know. Do you have any idea what it felt like finding out that the man you thought was your father… isn’t? And not even being able to contact the man who is, because your mother doesn’t even remember his name?” he asked, trying to keep his composure calm as he sat in front of me in the living room.
“I was so mentally fucked up. You didn’t deserve that. After everything I put you through, and with your mom’s passing being so recent, I just couldn’t put more on your shoulders. I didn’t want you to have to deal with this too. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even admit it, Lily. I pretended my parents were getting a divorce because my dad had an affair, that’s the only way I could look my mom in the face. I hated both of them. That’s what killed me the most. I was in therapy up until a year ago. I threw myself into work. When Lucas and Alex got married, I was so fucking happy for them. Me, Kid.” He placed his hand on his chest. “The same guy who kept them apart for years. I thought… no, I hoped that if they could find their way back to each other then so could we. After every obstacle they conquered, their love so consuming, it was that fucking powerful.”
I took in everything he was saying, my heart breaking for him.
“I knew I was going to see you at their wedding, and it had only been less than a year since I found out the truth. I still couldn’t face you. I waited, Kid. I waited on the curb until I saw you leave. You looked so fucking beautiful dressed in that soft pink dress, it was the first time I ever saw your hair curled. I almost got out of the damn car, but I couldn’t get my legs to move. I was paralyzed. When I watched your car leave, I sat there for probably another hour just thinking about how fucked up everything was. I made up some excuse that my plane was delayed and that’s why I was late, but when Alex told me that you had to leave early… I knew it was because of me. I knew you left because you didn’t want to see me. Which helped me.”
My face frowned, confused.
“It made me feel better that you didn’t want to see me. Made me feel like maybe you weren’t hurting as bad anymore. That maybe you found some peace. I hated my goddamn self for making you hate me. I wasn’t the man you needed at that point. You leaving proved that to me.” He took a deep breath, grabbing my hand to place gentle kisses on it.
“Alex showed up at my apartment a few weeks after I left you, I was drunk as shit. I think I spent the first six months in a haze, just moving on autopilot, trying my best to finish school. Alex called me every name in the book, told me that you were devastated. She tried to make me see that what I was doing was killing you inside. That you told her everything that had happened, that you bawled your eyes out until you passed out from the exhaustion. She asked how I could do that to you… I had never seen her so fucking livid before.” He shook his head, ashamed. “I broke down, she caught me in a moment of weakness. I told her everything. She told me I needed to tell you. That you were moving away, going to Nashville. I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. Alex knew it, too. She didn’t pressure me or anything. She just listened. Stayed with me all night. We never talked about it again, not until recently. She’s been telling me to tell you the truth since the third time you kicked me out, and I actually listened this time.”
I smiled. “You kept count?”
He faintly grinned. “I never told the boys. They all had perfect families. The last thing I wanted was for them to feel sorry for me, when I already felt sorry for myself. I wanted to win you back first. On my own. Not because you felt bad for me. I didn’t want you to take pity on me. I wanted you with me because you loved me. That we were finally together for the right reasons, I know it’s wrong what we’ve been doing behind everyone’s backs, but I just needed you to be mine again before we told anyone.”
“So your mom really knew that your dad was having an affair? Why did they stay together all those years? I remember some of their fights, you used to talk to the boys about it.”
“Yes and no. She suspected it, but I confirmed it. I think it was his way of punishing her.”
I nodded not wanting to ask any more questions about it, sensing it might be opening old wounds.
“I stopped going to therapy a year ago because I finally believed her. My mom would never hurt our family like that. It’s not in her. I’m her son and I knew that. My dad has known her for most of his life. He knows the truth in his heart. They got married after they found out she was pregnant, they had only been together three months at that point. Which is why my grandfather gave them the store, he was getting old and they took over everything. My mom says my dad has always felt like he could have done something more with his life, he was never happy. He did the paternity test when I was eleven, and that’s when they’re marriage went to shit. I think he used it as an excuse to get what he wanted, and that’s why I can’t forgive him. He will always be my father, Lily. Blood’s not going to change that for me, but as of right now… I don’t want anything to do with that bastard. Who’s to say that won’t change down the road but for right now, I’m okay. I’m finally fucking okay.”
He smiled lovingly at me, kissing my hand again.
“My colleagues were all starting to get married. All I did was work. I was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. One day I woke up calling your name. I rolled over searching for you. It was the weirdest fucking thing that’s ever happened to me. I hadn’t been with you in three years, and I woke up thinking you were there, beside me. I immediately sat up in bed disoriented, lo
oking for you, and then I remembered you weren’t there. You hadn’t been there in a long time. I called my boss that same morning and told him I needed to go. I knew that I couldn’t fucking fight it anymore. I explained I had some personal shit going on and that I would work from where I was. We were able to hit common ground, and I booked my flight out for the next day. As I was packing, Mark called me and told me that he was opening up a firm in Nashville and asked me if I was interested. Everything came together, you, Mark’s call, Nashville. It was fate. It was the right time. I firmly believe that.”
“Wow,” I breathed out. “I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry all that happened, Jacob. If I would have known… you know what? I don’t want to talk about that. It’s in the past. We’re together now. I’m so happy to finally know the truth.”
“Do you understand why now? Can you forgive me?”
“I had already forgiven you before you told me.”
“I want to tell Lucas. I want to tell everyone. I don’t want to hide anymore. It’s wrong and there’s nothing wrong about us.”
I was taken aback, never expecting him to say that.
“I want to handle it all. The way I was supposed to. I swear, Lily, I had every intention of doing this three years ago. I want to make it right. I don’t want you involved.”
“When?” I simply stated.
“As soon as possible. We could take a flight out tomorrow.”
I hesitantly nodded.
“What? You don’t—”
“No,” I interrupted. “Of course I want him to know. It’s just that Alex is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong us being together is amazing, but it’s not going to be for Lucas. I don’t want to take away from Alex’s pregnancy. They’ve waited so long for this. It took them three years to get pregnant.”
