by Rachel Hanna
She loved the smell of the the salty sea air, and the fine mist that would come off the ocean during different parts of the day woke her up enough so that she didn't fall back asleep and start the dream all over again. Most nights, she might have gotten three hours of sleep, and it was starting to wear on her.
But what could she do? Life had happened. There was nothing that was going to take away the memories of that fateful night. And her punishment for making that decision was going to haunt her until the day she died. If it didn't haunt her while she was awake, it hunted her in her dreams. She felt as if those memories were chasing her night after night.
For a while, she could confide in Steve. He understood. He tried to console her, tell her that she did the right thing. But she didn't do the right thing in her mind. Even though she was cleared of any wrong doing, she could never go back to her job as a police officer. She saw everything differently, and she hadn’t even been on duty that night.
Most of her career, she had known that being an officer didn't really suit her. She was much more of a creative type, loving to paint and write and even dance a little bit in high school. After considering the military to get away from her family stress, she opted instead to go into law enforcement. Something inside of her needed the adrenaline at the time, but these days she’d avoid that feeling at any cost. Now, she just wanted peace, yet it seemed to be the most elusive creature on earth.
She had done well in her career for a long time, but then the worst happened. She never really wanted to talk about it with anyone. Truthfully, she wished that she could stop thinking about it and never have to speak about it, but it seemed to be a part of her now. Like an extra arm hanging off of her body, making her heavier and dragging her down.
She pulled her robe tightly around her and walked down onto the dark beach. It was so remote and deserted, and nighttime made it feel even more so. A blanket of stars hung above her in the sky, and she stared up at them wondering if there was life beyond the planet earth. Maybe if she was on some other planet or in some other dimension, she wouldn't be suffering so much now. If you traveled to a different planet, did your history go with you? Or did you truly get a fresh start? Now she was just delusional from lack of sleep.
There was a rock on the beach where she liked to sit, just to get closer to the water. It was so clear tonight that the moon was dancing off the waves as they slowly rolled into shore. There was just something about the ocean that she loved. It felt like each wave was a renewal, a new beginning. Oh, how she wished she could get a new beginning in her own life.
But she didn't deserve it. She had taken a life. She had always known as a police officer that it was a possibility that might happen, but the way it happened wasn't something that she expected. How would she ever get over what she had done?
So she'd run away from her old life in an effort to start a new one, even if it was running a lighthouse on a tiny island out in the middle of nowhere. But so far, she hadn’t outrun anything. No, her fears and regrets had come along for the ride like an uninvited guest.
Her grandmother used to say that houseguests and fish started to smell after three days. But she wanted to add something new to that list- regrets. They started to smell too.
Sometimes, just for a brief moment, she thought about walking out into the ocean until she couldn't walk anymore. Not that she wanted to hurt herself. Not really. But she wondered if the universe wanted that. She wondered if the fact that she had taken a life meant that she should give up her own. A person has a lot of dark thoughts when they live in dark places.
Chapter 4
Julie finished making the coffee and then straightened the bistro chairs in the café area. It was an early morning at the bookstore because tourist season was now in full swing, and she had to make sure they were ready. Dixie would be coming in soon, and they would go over that week’s planning and the upcoming spring festival that would be the highlight of the season in Seagrove.
The spring festival always brought out a lot of tourists and locals alike. Seagrove loved to have festivals at least four times a year. And then there was the local farmers’ market that was open every Saturday. Julie loved to go to that, and Lucy often went along with her to pick out things for the inn. The community atmosphere was what she loved most about her adopted hometown.
She was tired this morning, having been up late talking to her daughter about her upcoming wedding and trying to figure out the guest list. Meg was going back-and-forth between wanting to have a big wedding and a small, intimate one. Her ping-ponging was starting to stress Julie out. She liked to have a plan, and she liked to have one early. Meg was much more of a fly by the seat of her pants kind of personality, much like her father.
“Good morning!” Dixie said, grinning from ear to ear as she burst through the front door, almost flinging the little metal bell across the room.
“Goodness gracious! You just about gave me a heart attack! Did you take extra medication this morning or something?” Julie held her hand to her heart, feeling it banging against her sternum like a jackhammer.
“Sorry, honey! I am just so excited this morning I can hardly contain myself!”
“What on earth happened?”
Dixie smiled, dropped her purse on the table and then put both of her hands on Julie’s upper arms. “Get ready for this! I can’t believe what I found out when I checked my email this morning!”
“That they have reserved your spot at the funny farm?” Julie teased.
“No, they wouldn’t be able to handle me there. Anyway, I reached out to Charlotte McLemore’s agent a few days ago.”
“The author? Why?”
“Well, I told her just how much I love her books, and how everybody around here is just crazy over them. Well, everybody except for you who hasn’t read one yet.”
“I’ve been a little busy.”
Dixie nodded. “I know, sugar. But you really have to read these books. I have never gotten so attached to characters in my entire life! Anyway, I asked her agent if she might be willing to come here and do a book signing and maybe an appearance at the spring festival!”
“The spring festival? That’s next weekend.”
Dixie smiled and clapped her hands together. “I know, and she said yes! She doesn’t go on her big tour for another few weeks, so they said this would be a great little stop before they get started on the official tour.”
“So she’s coming here? Next week?”
“Yes, she is! And we can start marketing it all over town. This place is going to be overwhelmed with tourists and locals and probably people who drive in from other cities and states. It’s Charlotte McLemore, for goodness sake’s!”
Julie stood there looking at her, unable to understand why she was so excited over this particular author. I mean, they had a store full of books. She had never seen Dixie so amped up over meeting anyone, except for that time that she explained how she ran into Burt Reynolds down on the beach twenty years ago. Julie still didn’t believe that story.
“Okay… That’s great. I’m so glad that you’re excited and that it’s going to bring possible business here to the bookstore…”
“Julie, you simply have to read one of her books before she comes. You must be well-versed so she knows how thrilled we are to have her here.”
“I don’t have time to read a book. Do you know how busy I am? I got four hours of sleep last night.”
“Honey, I have offered over and over to help you. You keep telling me no. But right now, I’ll take whatever you need off your hands so you have time to read one of these books. You won’t be the same after you do.”
Julie really did want to know what all the fuss was about. She liked to read, but she definitely wasn’t one of those people who could devour ten books in a week. Or a month. Or really even a year.
“Fine. Which one should I read?”
Dixie walked over to the table and picked one up, handing it to Julie. If there was one good thing about ownin
g a bookstore, it was that she could take a book home for free. As long as she brought it back looking new, they could still sell it.
“Now, what can I help you with?”
“You know what? My daughter is about to get on my last nerve, so maybe you could get her to make a decision about whether she wants a big wedding or small one because she can’t seem to figure that out.”
Dixie chuckled. “I will talk to Meg. I’ll get that all worked out for you in a jiffy!”
As Julie walked over to the bistro table and sat down with her new book, she wondered if she’d be able to keep her eyes open long enough to read it. But if it was as good as everybody said it was, she was looking forward to a little escape.
William was starving. Today had been a long one with two fishing charters and a group of fraternity brothers who wanted to be taken out on the boat for photos. He’d had a granola bar for breakfast, no lunch and now it was almost dinner time.
Janine had offered to bring him something, but he knew she was busy with a new yoga class she’d added to her schedule. He didn’t want to disrupt her day, so he’d gone without. She was keeping Vivi this afternoon, so he was on his own for an early dinner.
As he walked down the sidewalk toward the cafe, he noticed Janine standing in the grass in the square, Vivi running around at her feet. Janine was smiling and laughing. He could hear her infectious giggles from across the square. Opting to watch her for a few minutes, he ducked behind a tree.
She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen in real life, and sometimes he couldn’t believe she was his. From her beautiful curly hair to her fiery independent streak, he loved everything about her. Sure, they had their moments of arguing over silly things like any couple, but there was never a time where he thought of being without her.
He observed her with Vivi as they both fell to the ground in a pile of high-pitched giggles. Janine didn’t care if others looked at her. She was content with being joyful and having a good time, even if it meant laying on her back, kicking her legs in the air to copy what Vivi was doing.
Suddenly, William felt an overwhelming urge to grab her by the hand and walk her to the justice of the peace. She’d be the best wife and mother. They’d talked about possibly adopting at some point, and William was filled with excitement about having that future with her.
What was he waiting for? Was his mother right? Should he make the jump and propose to her?
She deserved a grandiose proposal, but he wasn’t exactly the most creative guy in the world when it came to planning romantic dates. What if he disappointed her?
“William?”
Lost in thought, he hadn’t noticed Julie walk up behind him. “Oh. Hey there,” he said, stammering.
“Are you hiding behind a tree?” she asked, smiling.
“Maybe.”
“Why are you hiding from Janine?”
He looked back at the two of them who were now chasing each other and playing some form of tag. “I wasn’t exactly hiding. I just saw her and Vivi playing and wanted to watch them for a few minutes.”
Julie smiled. “Why do I find this whole scene so incredibly cute?”
He turned around and looked at her, his back against the tree trunk. “I don’t know because I’m definitely not cute. I am a strong, confident man,” he said, sticking out his chest and smiling.
“Well, confident man, why are you hiding behind this tree where your girlfriend can’t see you?”
He looked down at his feet. “It seems that my mother overheard your conversation with Dawson the other day.”
Julie furrowed her eyebrows, obviously trying to recollect one of many conversations she had probably had with her husband in recent days. “What did she overhear exactly?”
“That Janine wants to get married.”
William watched her face for some kind of reaction, but she held it in well. She pursed her lips tightly and then laughed under her breath. “I’m going to have to have a word with Miss Dixie when I see her next.”
“Don’t be mad at her. She wasn’t trying to overhear on purpose, but when she did, she ran with it.”
“Look, this is your and Janine’s business. Nobody else’s. And I shouldn’t have even been talking about it with Dawson.”
“He’s your husband. You can talk to him about anything.”
“Everybody’s relationship has its own course, William. You shouldn’t feel pressured just because of what your mother said.”
He looked at her for a long moment. “Is what she said true? Does Janine really want to get married?”
Julie shook her head. “Oh no. I’m not getting in the middle of this. I shouldn’t have been talking so openly about it so Dixie could overhear me.”
She started to walk away but William lightly pulled on her arm. “Please. Just tell me. I don’t want to propose and look like a complete idiot when she says no.”
“Do you honestly think she would say no?”
“Listen, I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with women in my life. I don’t take anything for granted.”
She looked up into his eyes, putting her hands over his. “Janine isn’t other women. She loves you with everything she has, and I’ve never seen her so happy and content. She’s not going anywhere, William. So whatever you’ve experienced in the past with other women who may have let you down, that isn’t my sister.”
“I know. You’re right. I guess the only way to find out if she’ll marry me is to ask her. Now I just have to figure out how and then find the courage.”
Julie smiled and then kissed him on the cheek. “I know whatever you do will be perfect. You know Janine very well. Just do it with your full heart. You can never go wrong with that.”
She walked around the other side of the tree and then ran toward her granddaughter. Vivi giggled loudly as she broke free from Janine and ran to Julie. He continued looking at them from behind the tree until Janine turned around with her back facing him. He took that moment to quickly get back to the sidewalk and continue his walk to get dinner. He needed some time to think, and low blood sugar was starting to set in.
Janine walked down the gravel road leading to the cottage. Sometimes she just liked walking home from work even though it was a pretty long way from town. Today she just felt like clearing her mind, especially after spending so much time playing with Vivi in the square.
When she played with her great-niece, sometimes it left her with a hole in her heart when they parted ways. She longed for a life like her sister had. Husband, kids, and even one day grandkids.
Moving quickly through her forties, she realized that she had started giving up on some of those dreams years ago. When it was obvious that the right man just wasn’t in her path yet, she figured that she may never have kids. Now, especially after watching Julie and Dawson adopt Dylan, she knew that a child didn’t have to be biologically hers. She adored that little boy just as much as she did Colleen and Meg.
Most women felt their biological clock ticking in their thirties, and Janine had felt that somewhat back then. But she had been far too busy traveling the world with her yoga to give it much thought. In reality, maybe she was running from those feelings all along.
Now, she was with William and she adored him. She truly couldn’t see a future that William wasn’t a part of. But she wondered if he felt the same long-term feelings for her. He had said so many times, but here they were, still living separately, still not married. There must’ve been a reason he wasn’t making the effort of proposing.
She tried not to feel bitter or resentful. After all, they hadn’t been dating a super long time. It wasn’t his responsibility to propose if he didn’t feel it was the right thing to do. Maybe she would end up being one of those single women who adopted, not that there was anything wrong with doing that. It just wasn’t her vision. She saw herself with a husband who loved her and a house with a white picket fence. It was so traditional and so unlike Janine.
Just before the turn to the cottage, s
he looked up ahead and saw the lighthouse. For once, it was lit up and it stood out in a beautiful way against the sky. It was getting close to sunset, and she wondered how Emma was doing since tomorrow was opening day for tours.
Deciding that she wasn’t quite ready to be alone for the evening, she continued walking straight until she came to the lighthouse. She saw Emma coming down the stairs and walking out of the lighthouse. She imagined that she was probably frantic trying to get everything ready for the big opening.
“How’s it going?” Janine called to her. Emma, obviously startled, stopped in her tracks, her hand over her heart. “Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry if I scared you.”
She paused for a moment before she finally seemed to relax. “It’s okay. I’m just still kind of getting used to my surroundings.”
Janine thought about that one memory that she wanted to forget more than anything when she got attacked several years ago. It made her wonder if Emma was feeling something similar, being a woman basically alone on an island.
“I know it must be difficult being out here by yourself. My niece lives with me, so at least I’m not alone. The island is completely safe, of course, but it can still make you worry a little bit when you’re a woman alone and new in town.”
Emma walked closer. “I’m pretty confident in my ability to take care of myself,” she said. There was something behind her words, but Janine couldn’t put her finger on what it was. She seemed both scared and tough at the same time.
“So, the big opening is tomorrow?”
Emma nodded. “Yes, it is. I’m not nearly as nervous as I thought I would be, although I am a bit concerned that I might forget some of the script that Roger gave me to say on tours. I’ve never met someone who knew so much about the history of an area.”
Janine smiled. “I’ve met him before. His wife comes to some of my yoga classes from time to time. And you’re right, he’s very serious about his historical facts. I recall one time getting cornered by him after class while he explained to me little known facts about the Civil War and what happened in this area. Interesting, but a wee bit exhausting when you’ve been teaching yoga for several hours.”
