by Skye Turner
I look up and see Lexi, staring at Jessie. What little color was left in her face drains out. “That was you? Not him? Oh God… Oh God.”
She looks at me, and she looks so frail. So broken. My heart clenches, but what the hell? How could she not trust me? How could she think I would do that to her?
Erik says, “Ok, what about Clove? What about the woman you have living with you in California, Jude?”
My head whips around at Erik. “What? How did you know about that? How do you even know who Clove is, Lexi?” I look back at her. Her lip is quivering.
Dade says at the same time I start talking, “Clove? What the hell does my sister have to do with anything?”
Erik turns his head to Dade. “Sister? Clove is your sister?”
Lexi sits up, “Your sister? Jude lives with your sister?”
I’m so confused.
“Yes, Clove is his sister. How do you know she lives in my house?”
“I went there. Yesterday. I went to your house. I… I saw her. She’s beautiful.” Lexi is staring at the floor.
“You went to my house? In Los Angeles? Yesterday? Wait, you’re the woman who came to the door? She said you were a fan looking for me. That was… that was you? Why the hell did you leave, Lexi?”
“Why would I stay with you and your live in girlfriend, Jude? How can you be so cruel? God this hurts…” My head is reeling. Wait… what did she just say? She thinks that Clove and I, that we… she thinks I’m with Clove while I’m with her??
“Clove is not and never has been, my girlfriend. She’s in culinary school and trying to be an actress and since she’s Dade’s little sister, I let her live in my house. She was dating the guy who managed my house. She lives in my house, in her own wing. Shit, I’m never even there! We have never been involved.”
Dade adds, “No way would he mess with my little sister. No way in hell!”
Erik looks at me with compassion and apology in his eyes, but I’m so pissed. Fuck this! Fuck them! Lexi said she loved me, but this is how she shows me? Not once, but twice she’s left me, because she didn’t trust me… didn’t believe in us.
Erik opens his mouth to say something to me, but I throw my hand up to cut him off. I can’t deal with this. I explode. I can’t help it. I can’t even see straight through the pain, the betrayal, and the rage. “This is you loving me, Lexi? THIS? Eight years ago you left me! You broke my fucking heart! You broke ME! And for what? For what? Because you didn’t trust me! You didn’t believe in my love for you. I would NEVER do that to you. I would NEVER cheat on you! You were, and are, everything to me. Then and now… but it’s not enough! I’m not enough! Why the fuck am I not enough for you? You left me, twice, because you thought I’d betrayed you. But you know what, fuck that. Fuck you! I never betrayed you. Never! I don’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve it eight years ago and I don’t deserve it now! If this is how you ‘love’, fuck you! I’m done! We’re done!”
I can’t be in here. I have to go. The need to hurt someone is too strong.
FUCK!!!
I can’t do this anymore. She can’t do this to me anymore… I’m done…
So long Louisiana. There’s nothing left for me here.
I walk out the door. Start my bike, and fly down the road.
I’m gone…
Chapter Twenty-Five
Lexi
It’s been four days since Jude stormed out of the shop.
Four days since Dade explained to me that Clove’s boyfriend, Jude’s property manager, took a seventeen year old fan into his home and had sex with her in his bed, where Clove walked in and found them. The girl’s parents wanted to sue Jude because of her age and because it happened in his home, but Jude’s lawyer had the case thrown out. That’s what he didn’t want to bother me with…
Four days in my own personal hell.
Four days since Erik scooped me up off of the floor in the middle of our place of business and brought me home.
Four days of wondering what the hell I’ve done…
Jude was right. I was quick to believe the worst of him, but I never even tried to talk to him. This is my fault. My heart is broken and he hates me and it’s all my fault. Bradi has stopped by a few times and Erik is running the shop, but I haven’t left my bedroom. I can’t. Why? What’s the point?
I pushed away the only man I’ve ever loved. I beat him down with my distrust, I killed his love for me, and he left me… this time, he really left me. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.
His box of things is in the corner of my room. Erik dropped it in here three days ago.
I haven’t showered since that night. I haven’t even really gotten out of bed. I know Bradi and Erik are worried about me, but I just can’t seem to force myself to care. I’m pretty sure I’m disgusting.
I crawl over to the box and drop to the floor. I pull everything out. Unconsciously, I uncap the shampoo and smell it. I love this smell. Next, I open the body wash. This is my favorite scent. It smells like heaven. It smells like Jude.
His clothes are next in the box and I snuggle into one of his shirts, breathing deeply. The scent brings tears to my eyes. At the bottom of the box is the note he left for me seven weeks ago, the keys to his house and car, and my necklace. I open the box and take out the necklace, just looking at it. How could I have ever doubted his love for me when he gave me this?
Last, I open the note and read it. I’ve read it so many times, but I read it this time and take every word into my soul.
Then, with newfound determination and a plan, I head into the bathroom.
Two hours later, I’m dressed and wearing my necklace again as I pull up at the shop. As I walk in, Erik looks up and shock registers on his face. I wave and head to my office to stow my purse.
As expected, he follows me back. “Hey, love. Um, you ok? What are you doing here?”
I hug him. “I’m good. Time to get out of this self-pity bubble. I have things to do and a business to run. Oh, and I’m getting the man of my dreams back too.”
He looks at me and smiles. “Thank God! There’s my girl. Oh thank God. So, what’s your plan?” I fill him in and he likes it.
We pull out the calendar and I show him the days I’ll be gone.
He laughs and kisses me before heading back out front. As he’s walking out the door, he looks over his shoulder and growls, “Go get your man, Tiger!”
I laugh. This feels good.
I work a bit more and catch up on a few things I’ve fallen behind on in my depression.
At five, Bradi pops into my kitchen. “So, you’re alive. And dressed. And you smell a shit ton better too!”
I laugh and jump around the counter to hug her. “I am. I am. And I know. How could you let me do that to myself?”
“Hey bitch, I did everything I could to bring you out of it besides jump on top of you naked! But I didn’t figure that would warrant much response so I passed. You’re sexy and all, but I like the dick, you know!”
I burst out laughing. “Um, yeah. Thanks for restraining yourself. So, I have a plan and I need your help!”
She leans in with excited eyes. “Give it to me, Baby!”
We make plans to proceed with the next step tomorrow night. She grabs my phone and texts herself what she needs, saying she’ll take care of it. Then she gets serious. “Have you heard from him?”
“No. But I didn’t think I would. He was pretty firm. He’s done. So, I have to change his mind!”
“You’re going to call him, right?” Bradi asks me as she flips her hair off of her shoulder.
“I am. In fact, it’s about the time to do it now. I told you. I have a plan.”
“Well ok. So, want to eat with me tonight? I’m solo. Micah has some top secret dinner thing.”
“Yeah, I’ll be your date!”
We watch movies at my house, order Chinese, drink a bottle of wine, and I go over every step of the plan with her! The next day, she meets me right at closing and we head to m
y appointment.
“You sure you want to do this? You don’t have to. I’m sure he’d still take you back without it, you know! He loves you. You just really hurt him. Hell, we all did.” She squeezes my arm and looks sad.
“I know. Yes, I want to. And I’m going to make it up to him. I’m going to make it up to him for the rest of my life!”
Six hours later…. we’re done. I’m sore as hell, but it’s done.
I call Jude when I know he can’t answer and I leave him a voicemail. It simply says: “I’m sorry.”
One week later, I’m on yet another plane, but this time I’m heading to Nevada. Jude is there and I’m determined to see him and make it right!
I’ve texted and called Jude once every day since my “I’m sorry” message a week ago, but I’ve made sure it would go to his voicemail or he’d get it when he was performing. Talking to him is not in the plan. However, every day I secretly hope that today will be the day he calls or texts me back.
I land at Reno–Tahoe International Airport, grab my bags, and head to get my car. The rental desk tells me it’s about an hour and a half to my destination.
Two hours later, it’s just after 4PM and I’m checking into my hotel. The same hotel that the band is checked into for the next three nights. It took a lot of begging and convincing, but Jessie gave me this information and he’s promised to stay quiet about my coming here.
I pick up my phone and text Jude.
“Lexi
I can never explain to you how truly sorry I am for not trusting you.
For not believing in you. In us.
But I’d like it if you’d allow me to try…”
I wait. No response. But I really don’t expect one. That’s ok. Tonight it’s all coming to a head. One way or the other…
Jude
We’re in Lake Tahoe. It’s week eight of this ten week tour and I’m miserable.
I miss Lexi. She hurt me so badly, but I miss her.
I love her.
The guys are fed up with me. Shit, I’m fed up with me. I’m making everyone miserable, but I just can’t call her.
About a week ago she started calling and texting me again. She makes sure to reach out to me once each day. But it seems as if she waits to do it when she knows she won’t get me. I haven’t responded, but after each voicemail or text it gets a little harder to convince myself not to just pick up the phone.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s probably one of the guys, since we’re heading down to the casino bar in a bit.
It’s not one of the guys…
It’s Lexi.
I stare at the phone for a long time, before I sigh and put it back in my pocket.
I’m not ready yet.
Lexi
Jessie just texted me that they are in the casino and they are all at some bar. I reapply my lipstick, straighten my skirt, push up my boobs, check my shoes, and head out. On my way out, I shoot him a quick text to look for me since I’m heading down now.
It’s show time.
Walking through the casino, I get some attention. But I only want the attention of one man.
I stop at the entrance and the male bouncer takes in my appearance. He smiles at me, running his appreciative gaze up my body. He’s attractive enough, but I’m not interested. He walks over to me. “Hello, can I help you find something?”
Smiling at him, I twirl a curl in my hair and murmur, “No thank you. I’m meeting some friends. I think I see them now.” And I do. I can see Jessie, Cruz, and Jude’s backs clearly from my position. Jessie looks over and catches my eye. His gaze rakes my body and I see him shake his head and smile. He winks at me.
I guess this is my cue.
I slow my walk and twitch my hips. This is the most important part I’ll ever play and I have to nail it!
It’s dark in the bar, but not dark enough that they can’t see me. They just won’t know it’s me until I’m right upon them.
I start to head their way. Jude’s back is to me. He’s sitting on a stool. Jessie is standing, leaning back against the table. Dade is on the other side of the table, with his arms resting on the table top, opposite of Jessie. Liam is sitting in a chair on the other side of the table, directly across from Jude, and Cruz is in a stool sideways, peeling the label from a beer bottle next to Jude.
I’m visible to everyone but Jude.
Jessie looks over at me and I see his mouth move. He nudges Dade and he looks over at me. As I get closer, I see all four guys staring at me, but only Jessie recognizes me, as Jude continues to look at the table top.
Once I’m in earshot, I hear Jessie. “Mighty fine piece of ass right there! Shit… I get dibs. Damn, Jude, this girl is fine… you have to see her!”
Really Jessie? Lay it on a bit thicker, will you!
Finally, Jude looks up and his head swivels around. He starts at my feet and his gaze travels upward. Five inch black stilettos, bare glistening legs, short, barely there black leather skirt, completely see through black lace shirt, black lace push up bra, displaying ample cleavage, then his gaze lands on my mouth, which is painted a lush red, before settling on my eyes, dark and smoky… He gets to my messy pinned up hair, with haphazard pieces falling, and he zeros back in on my face.
His mouth drops open in shock.
“Lexi?”
I smile and purr as I walk closer. Into his personal space. His feet hit the floor. “Hello, Jude.” I look around at the band. “Boys.”
Again his eyes take in my clothing. Or the lack of it, really. He stands up and reaches for me. “What the fuck? Lexi? What are you doing? Oh my God. What are you wearing?”
I look down at my clothes and feign a surprised look. “Clothes?”
“No, that is not clothes… You… You’re all on display… You… Too much of you is on display!” He looks at the guys who are blatantly appreciating my attire. He growls. “Stop fucking looking at her, assholes!”
Without saying a word he pulls me behind him and drags me out of the bar. Ok. This is not going right… Where is he taking me? Is he going to throw me out of the hotel?
But he only pulls me to the elevator before swiping his card and pushing a button. He closes his eyes and leans his head against the wall of the elevator. What exactly is happening right now?
He doesn’t speak or look at me until the elevator dings. Then he gestures for me to go out ahead of him. I step out and he walks behind me. I have no idea where I’m walking. Stopping behind me, he swipes his key card in front of double doors. Still not saying a word, he opens the door and motions me into the room.
It’s a suite. A nice suite. Much nicer than my room.
He’s still not talking. Why is he not talking? What am I supposed to do here?
I look up. He’s staring at me. Drinking me in. He looks rough. His hair is messy and his eyes are listless. His face has a few days worth of beard on it instead of his trademark scruff. But he still looks beautiful.
I open my mouth to speak, but he holds up his hand, stopping me. Breathing deeply, he closes his eyes and says, “Why are you here, Lexi? What do you want?”
Here it is. It’s all or nothing. Covering the distance between us, I stand right in front of him, and touch his face. He flinches.
God, I’ve hurt him so much. Please let me be able to make it right.
“Jude. Jude, look at me. Please,” I whisper up at him. He swallows and opens his eyes. I stare into them and hold them with my own as I continue. “I’m here for you. I came for you. I’m not me without you. I love you. You are the other part of me. You own my body, my head, my heart, my soul. Without you, I exist… with you… I live.”
His eyes are glassy. I’m making this beautiful man who never did anything but love me cry. I don’t deserve him. I don’t, but I want him. I love him.
Stepping back, I raise my shirt. Pulling it over my head, I let it drop to the floor. His eyes follow my movements and then rest on my chest. I’m breathing rapidly, but my cleavage is not what he�
�s looking at. He’s staring at the tattoo on my ribcage. It starts under my left breast and wraps a little around my side. He reaches out to touch it.
“Why? Why would you do this? Why would you mar your perfect skin with this?” His hand traces the top.
“Because, Jude. You are my past. You are my present. YOU are my future. You are the first boy and the only man I’ve ever loved. You are the only man I ever want to love. You’re the only man I ever will love. I did it for you. Because you are my infinity.”
My voice gives out and I have to bite my lip. He just stares at the tattoo. Gently tracing it. The flaming microphone, the pink Gerber daisy, and the infinity symbol on the bottom. My tattoo is an exact replica of his, but for the infinity symbol.
After a few minutes, he’s still silent. I let out a weary sigh, and bend over to grab my shirt off of the floor. I tried… I gave it my all, but I guess it was just too much. He really is done. My throat closes up and I have to get out of here. I step around him.
“Where are you going, Lex?”
I can’t look at him. I can’t stand to see in his eyes that he’s finished with me. “Home I guess. I’m sorry.”
He grabs my arm. “The hell you are!”
I gasp as I fall into his chest from the force of him spinning me around. Looking up, I see the ire in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I thought… I mean… I assumed…”
He cradles my head as he tips my chin up. “Lexi. Lexi. Lexi. When are you going to learn your lesson? Don’t assume anything with me! Ever! I have never lied to you. I never will. I lost eight years with the woman I love because you assumed I’d cheated on you. I have never. I will never. I was never going to let you go. I can’t. I meant it… you’re my kryptonite. I can’t exist without you. I’m not alive without you. You. Are. Mine. I’m never letting you go.”
“You still love me?”
“Yes, you crazy, exasperating woman! I love you. I’ve always loved you! I’ll never stop loving you! You are it for me!” Each sentence is punctuated with a kiss.
