Do you turn colors?
Are you pregnant?
I shall leave the room.
Can’t we just be friends?
Take me to the Earth Consulate immediately.
Although I am very flattered by your kind offer, I cannot accompany you to the mating pits, as I am viviparous.
* * * *
IN THE HOSPITAL:
No!
My eating orifice is not at that end of my body.
I would rather do it myself.
Please do not let the atmosphere in (out) as I will be most uncomfortable.
I do not eat lead.
Placing the thermometer there will yield little or no useful information.
* * * *
SIGHTSEEING:
You are not my guide. My guide was bipedal.
We Earth people do not do that.
Oh, what a jolly fine natatorium (mating perch, arranged spectacle, involuntary phenomenon)!
At what hour does the lovelorn princess fling herself into the flaming volcano? May we participate?
That is not demonstrable.
That is hardly likely.
That is ridiculous.
I have seen much better examples of that.
Please direct me to the nearest sentient mammal.
Take me to the Earth Consulate without delay.
* * * *
At THE THEATRE:
Is that amusing?
I am sorry; I did not mean to be offensive.
I did not intend to sit on you. I did not realize that you were already in this seat.
Could you deform yourself a little lower?
My eyes are sensitive only to light of the wavelengths 3000-7000A.
Am I imagining this?
Am I supposed to imagine this?
Should I be perturbed by the water on the floor?
Where is the exit?
Help!
This is great art.
My religious convictions prevent me from joining in the performance.
I do not feel well.
I feel very sick.
I do not eat living food.
Is this supposed to be erotic?
May I take this home with me?
Is this part of the performance?
Stop touching me.
Sir or madam, that is mine, (extrinsic)
Sir or madam, that is mine, (intrinsic)
I wish to visit the waste-reclamation units.
Have you finished?
May I begin?
You are in my way.
Under no circumstances.
If you do not stop that, I will call the attendant. That is forbidden by my religion.
Sir or madam, this is a private unit.
Sir and madam, this is a private unit.
* * * *
COMPLIMENTS:
You are more than before.
Your hair is false.
If you uncover your feet, I will faint.
There is no room.
You will undoubtedly be here tomorrow.
* * * *
INSULTS:
You are just the same.
There are more of you than previously.
Your fingers are showing.
How clean you are!
You are clean, but animated.
* * * *
GENERAL:
Take me to the Earth Consulate.
Direct me to the Earth Consulate.
The Earth Consulate will hear of this.
This is no way to treat a visitor.
Please direct me to my hotel.
At what time does the moon rise? Is there a moon? Is it a full moon? Take me to the Earth Consulate immediately.
May I have the second volume of Wu and Fabricant, entitled Physiology, Ecology, Religion and Customs of the Locrine? Price is no object.
Something has just gone amiss with my vehicle.
I am dying.
<
* * * *
* * * *
Harlan Ellison is widely known for such strong and dark visions as those in I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream, Pretty Maggie Moneyeyes and others. A young woman who reads a lot of science fiction told me recently that she sometimes dreamed in the styles of particular writers: Jack Vance, Samuel R. Delany, Harlan Ellison. “What was your dream in Harlan’s style like?” I asked her. She said, “Oh, it was horrible. At the end I died. Three times.”
ON THE DOWNHILL SIDE
by Harlan Ellison
“In love, there is always one who kisses
and one who offers the cheek.”
French Proverb
I knew she was a virgin because she was able to ruffle the silken mane of my unicorn. Named Lizette, she was a Grecian temple in which no sacrifice had ever been made. Vestal virgin of New Orleans, found walking without shadow in the thankgod coolness of cockroach-crawling Louisiana night. My unicorn whinnied, inclined his head, and she stroked the ivory spiral of his horn.
Much of this took place in what is called the Irish Channel, a strip of street in old New Orleans where the lace curtain micks had settled decades before; now the Irish were gone and the Cubans had taken over the Channel. Now the Cubans were sleeping, recovering from the muggy today that held within its hours thedéjà vu of muggy yesterday, thedéjà rêvé of intolerable tomorrow. Now the crippled bricks of side streets off Magazine had given up their nightly ghosts, and one such phantom had come to me, calling my unicorn to her — thus, clearly, a virgin — and I stood waiting.
Had it been Sutton Place, had it been a Manhattan evening, and had we met, she would have kneeled to pet my dog. And I would have waited. Had it been Puerto Vallarta, had it been 20° 36’ N, 105° 13’ W, and had we met, she would have crouched to run her fingertips over the oil-slick hide of my iguana. And I would have waited. Meeting in streets requires ritual. One must wait and not breathe too loud, if one is to enjoy the congress of the nightly ghosts.
She looked across the fine head of my unicorn and smiled at me. Her eyes were a shade of gray between onyx and miscalculation. “Is it a bit chilly for you?” I asked.
“When I was thirteen,” she said, linking my arm, taking a tentative two steps that led me with her, up the street, “or perhaps I was twelve, well no matter, when I was that approximate age, I had a marvelous shawl of Belgian lace. I could look through it and see the mysteries of the sun and the other stars unriddled. I’m sure someone important and very nice has purchased that shawl from an antique dealer, and paid handsomely for it.”
It seemed not a terribly responsive reply to a simple question.
“A queen of the Mardi Gras Ball doesn’t get chilly,” she added, unasked. I walked along beside her, the cool evasiveness of her arm binding us, my mind a welter of answer choices, none satisfactory.
Behind us, my unicorn followed silently. Well, not entirely silently. His platinum hoofs clattered on the bricks. I’m afraid I felt a straight pin of jealousy. Perfection does that to me.
“When were you queen of the Ball?”
The date she gave me was one hundred and thirteen years before.
It must have been brutally cold down there in the stones.
There is a little book they sell, a guide to manners and dining in New Orleans: I’ve looked: nowhere in the book do they indicate the proper responses to a ghost. But then, it says nothing about the wonderful cemeteries of New Orleans’ West Bank, or Metairie. Or the gourmet dining at such locations. One seeks, in vain, through the mutable, mercurial universe, for the compleat guide. To everything. And, failing in the search, one makes do the best one can. And suffers the frustration, suffers the ennui.
Perfection does that to me.
We walked for some time, and grew to know each other, as best we’d allow. These are some of the high points. They lack continuity. I don’t apologize, I merely point it out, adding with some truth, I feel, thatmost liaisons lack continuity. We find ourselves in odd places at various times, and for a brief span
we link our lives to others — even as Lizette had linked her arm with mine — and then, our time elapsed, we move apart. Through a haze of pain occasionally; usually through a veil of memory that clings, then passes; sometimes as though we have never touched.
“My name is Paul Ordahl,” I told her. “And the most awful thing that ever happened to me was my first wife, Bernice. I don’t know how else to put it — even if it sounds melodramatic, it’s simply what happened — she went insane, and I divorced her, and her mother had her committed to a private mental home.”
“When I was eighteen,” Lizette said, “my family gave me my coming-out party. We were living in the Garden District, on Prytania Street. The house was a lovely white Plantation — they call them antebellum now — with Grecian pillars. We had a persimmon-green gazebo in the rear gardens, directly beside a weeping willow. It was six-sided. Octagonal. Or is that hexagonal? It was the loveliest party. And while it was going on, I sneaked away with a boy . . . I don’t remember his name . . . and we went into the gazebo, and I let him touch my breasts. I don’t remember his name.”
We were on Decatur Street, walking toward the French Quarter; the Mississippi was on our right, dark but making its presence known.
“Her mother was the one had her committed, you see. I only heard from them twice after the divorce. It had been four stinking years and I really didn’t want any more of it. Once, after I’d started making some money, the mother called and said Bernice had to be put in the state asylum. There wasn’t enough money to pay for the private home any more. I sent a little; not much. I suppose I could have sent more, but I was remarried, there was a child from her previous marriage. I didn’t want to send any more. I told the mother not to call me again. There was only once after that . . . it was the most terrible thing that ever happened to me.”
We walked around Jackson Square, looking in at the very black grass, reading the plaques bolted to the spear-topped fence, plaques telling how New Orleans had once belonged to the French. We sat on one of the benches in the street. The street had been closed to traffic, and we sat on one of the benches.
“Our name was Charbonnet. Can you say that?”
I said it, with a good accent.
“I married a very wealthy man. He was in real estate. At one time he owned the entire block where theVieux Carré now stands, on Bourbon Street. He admired me greatly. He came and sought my hand, and mymaman had to strike the bargain because my father was too weak to do it; he drank. I can admit that now. But it didn’t matter, I’d already found out how my suitor was set financially. He wasn’t common, but he wasn’t quality, either. But he was wealthy and I married him. He gave me presents. I did what I had to do. But I refused to let him make love to me after he became friends with that awful Jew who built the Metairie Cemetery over the race track because they wouldn’t let him race his Jew horses. My husband’s name was Dunbar. Claude Dunbar, you may have heard the name? Our parties werede rigueur .”
“Would you like some coffee andbeignets at du Monde?”
She stared at me for a moment, as though she wanted me to say something more, then she nodded and smiled.
We walked around the Square. My unicorn was waiting at the curb. I scratched his rainbow flank and he struck a spark off the cobblestones with his right front hoof. “I know,” I said to him, “we’ll soon start the downhill side. But not just yet. Be patient. I won’t forget you.”
Lizette and I went inside the Café du Monde and I ordered two coffees with warm milk and two orders ofbeignets from a waiter who was originally from New Jersey but had lived most of his life only a few miles from College Station, Texas.
There was a coolness coming off the levee.
“I was in New York,” I said. “I was receiving an award at an architects’ convention — did I mention I was an architect — yes, that’s what I was at the time, an architect — and I did a television interview. The mother saw me on the program, and checked the newspapers to find out what hotel we were using for the convention, and she got my room number and called me. I had been out quite late after the banquet where I’d gotten my award, quite late. I was sitting on the side of the bed, taking off my shoes, my tuxedo tie hanging from my unbuttoned collar, getting ready just to throw clothes on the floor and sink away, when the phone rang. It was the mother. She was a terrible person, one of the worst I ever knew, a shrike, a terrible, just a terrible person. She started telling me about Bernice in the asylum. How they had her in this little room and how she stared out the window most of the time. She’d reverted to childhood, and most of the time she couldn’t even recognize the mother; but when she did, she’d say something like, ‘Don’t let them hurt me, Mommy, don’t let them hurt me.’ So I asked her what she wanted me to do, did she want money for Bernice or what . . . did she want me to go see her since I was in New York . . . and she said God no. And then she did an awful thing to me. She said the last time she’d been to see Bernice, my ex-wife had turned around and put her finger to her lips and said, ‘Shhh, we have to be very quiet. Paul is working.’ And I swear, a snake uncoiled in my stomach. It was the most terrible thing I’d ever heard. No matter how secure you are that you honest to God hadnot sent someone to a madhouse, there’s always that little core of doubt, and saying what she’d said just burned out my head. I couldn’t even think about it, couldn’t even reallyhear it, or it would have collapsed me. So down came these iron walls and I just kept on talking, and after a while she hung up.
“It wasn’t till two years later that I allowed myself to think about it, and then I cried; it had been a long time since I’d cried. Oh, not because I believed that nonsense about a man isn’t supposed to cry, but just because I guess there hadn’t been anything that important to cryabout . But when I let myself hear what she’d said, I started crying, and just went on and on till I finally went in and looked into the bathroom mirror and I asked myself, face-to-face, if I’d done that, if I’d ever made her be quiet so I could work on blueprints or drawings . . .
“And after a while I saw myself shaking my head no, and it was easier. That was perhaps three years before I died.”
She licked the powdered sugar from thebeignets off her fingers, and launched into a long story about a lover she had taken. She didn’t remember his name.
It was sometime after midnight. I’d thought midnight would signal the start of the downhill side, but the hour had passed, and we were still together, and she didn’t seem ready to vanish. We left the Café du Monde and walked into the Quarter.
I despise Bourbon Street. The strip joints, with the pasties over nipples, the smell of need, the dwarfed souls of men attuned only to flesh. The noise.
We walked through it like art connoisseurs at a showing of motel room paintings. She continued to talk about her life, about the men she had known, about the way they had loved her, the ways in which she had spurned them, and about the trivia of her past existence. I continued to talk about my loves, about all the women I had held dear in my heart for however long each had been linked with me. We talked across each other, our conversation at right angles, only meeting in the intersections of silence at story’s end.
She wanted a julep and I took her to the Royal Orleans Hotel and we sat in silence as she drank. I watched her, studying that phantom face, seeking for even the smallest flicker of light off the ice in her eyes, hoping for an indication that glacial melting could be forthcoming. But there was nothing, and I burned to say correct words that might cause heat. She drank and reminisced about evenings with young men in similar hotels, a hundred years before.
We went to a night club where a flamenco dancer and his two-woman troupe performed on a stage of unpolished woods, their star-shining black shoes setting up resonances in me that I chose to ignore.
Then I realized there were only three couples in the club, and that the extremely pretty flamenco dancer was playing to Lizette. He gripped the lapels of his bolero jacket and clattered his heels against the stage like a man driving nai
ls. She watched him, and her tongue made a wholly obvious flirtatious trip around the rim of her liquor glass. There was a two-drink minimum, and as I have never liked the taste of alcohol, she was more than willing to prevent waste by drinking mine as well as her own. Whether she was getting drunk or simply indulging herself, I do not know. It didn’t matter. I became blind with jealousy, and dragons took possession of my eyes.
Universe 2 - [Anthology] Page 11
