by L. D. Davis
I agreed with Sensible Donya. My lust filled haze lifted.
I shot up in the bed so quickly that I narrowly missed bumping heads with Emmet. I got on my knees and scrambled to hold the shirt closed over my body as Emmet sat up and watched me with alarm.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, reaching out to touch me, but I backed away. I backed away and almost fell off of the bed. I stumbled to my feet and backed away from the bed and out of Emmet’s reach.
“Donya,” he said with quiet exasperation. “What’s wrong?”
“We agreed that I wasn’t ready,” I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking as much as my body shook.
Emmet’s eyes opened wide for just a few seconds before they grew dark and stormy. “Downstairs, you practically invited this to happen.”
“Up here you told me I could stop at any time,” I snapped.
He held his hands up in defense, but his expression was still angry.
“And I stopped,” he said. “But you were really into it.”
“We’re moving too fast,” I said, searching for my panties. I spotted them a few feet away and moved to pick them up. “It seems that every time we’re alone, we go too far.”
“We go far together,” Emmet pointed out. “It’s not just me.”
“I know that,” I said, pulling my panties and shorts on together. “But I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to be that girl that sleeps with her new boyfriend this early in the relationship. Then our relationship will be based on sex more than our feelings. It happens to our friends all of the time and it blows up in their faces all of the time, and when they move on to the next boyfriend or girlfriend, they make the same stupid mistake and it happens all over again.”
If Emmet looked angry before, he was infuriated now. He got off of the bed and stalked towards me. My heart twisted with anxiety as he backed me up against a wall and caged me in with his arms.
“There will be no other boyfriends for you, Donya,” he said crisply. “I am your boyfriend now and someday I will be your husband.”
I couldn’t help the humorless laugh that burst from my mouth, in his face.
“You’re leaving for college in a few weeks. How do you think we’re going to stay together then? You’ll be hours away and I can’t drive for at least another year.”
“We’ll make it work,” he said through gritted teeth. “There are holidays and the summer and -”
“And what?” I demanded. “Are you kidding me, Emmet? Did you forget that no one can know about us, so even if you’re home from school, we still have to find time to sneak off together? That seriously reduces how much time we will get to spend together and I’m betting it won’t be very much at all in the end.”
“So, we’ll tell everyone,” he said, glaring at me.
“We can’t tell anyone! Your parents will still say I’m too young, they’ll question our relationship and your sister has already made it more than clear that she would not approve.”
“I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks, Donya!” I shrunk back as he yelled, but then I straightened up and yelled back.
“I care, Emmet!” I yelled. “Your family is the only family I have. Excuse me if I don’t want to do anything that would make me lose them even a little bit.”
My words seemed to hit him hard. His mouth had fallen open and he had stared at me intensely, with shock and then sadness, but he pushed it away. Anger returned to his features, but not as hard as it was moments before.
“So, when you agreed to be with me, were you going to dump me at the end of the summer?” he asked bitterly.
“I didn’t know what I was going to do,” I answered honestly.
“But now you do?” His voice rose again. “Now you know you want to break up with me?”
“I don’t see where we’ll have much of a choice,” I snapped and pain weaved through my words. “I don’t know how we can pull it off.”
My shoulders slumped and my head dropped. I felt a sob begging to escape free in my chest but I managed to keep it there when I spoke again. “I wanted to be with you and I didn’t think that far ahead.”
Strong fingers were on my chin, tilting my head up.
“Do you still want to be with me, Donya?” Emmet asked softly. His eyes still looked stormy, but the muscles in his face had softened.
“Yes,” I said weakly.
“Then we need to find a way to work it out in the fall,” he said. “Because I want to be with you, too.”
He kissed me sweetly, but briefly. He took a small step back and pulled the shirt together to hide my nakedness.
“I won’t do anything more than kiss you until you are absolutely sure you are ready for more,” he said gently, but then in a firmer voice, he said “But you will have to convince me that you are truly ready.”
I nodded once.
“And I still want you to stay here with me when you can this summer,” he went on. “Tell me you’ll stay.”
Hesitantly, I nodded again. “I’ll stay.”
Emmet looked relieved. He kissed me once more and then stepped away from me.
“I’m going back downstairs to finish dinner. You can fix your clothes and join me.”
He gave me a small smile, but there was sadness in his eyes before he walked out of the door.
Chapter Fourteen
Fred returned late the next morning. I thought it would be a good idea to be absent when he returned so that he wouldn’t have any wild ideas about his son and his almost-daughter shacking up in his son’s room. Sometimes wild ideas are truths, but Fred didn’t need to know that.
Even though I was pretty sure that my mom didn’t want to be bothered, I still tried to connect with her before she left for work. I talked about my time in Louisiana and considered what colleges I may want to attend in a couple of years. She listened, asked questions, and said the appropriate things, but part of me sensed that she wasn’t really into it. I felt like she was only communicating with me to appease me since I had the nerve to sit down directly across from her at her kitchen table.
When she finally left for work, I felt more relieved than anything. I didn’t have to put on the charade of chatty, friendly daughter while the tension in the air between us hung heavy and pregnant, threatening to engulf me.
In the early afternoon I called Emmy. I never go more than a couple of days without talking to her. It was second nature to include her in my daily life – except where her brother was concerned. I did tell her about my mom’s indifference to me, but this time I didn’t break down and cry like a baby like I had with Emmet.
“I can’t believe it,” Em said when I told her. “Your mom was never a social butterfly, but she was never mean like that. That’s just mean, and hurtful. Did she forget that you used to take care of her when she was ‘sick’?”
I also never told Emmy about the time my mom slapped me in the face. Only Emmet was privy to that information. So, she really had no idea of my mom’s mean streak, but I didn’t feel the need to fill her in now either.
“Em, it’s been so long since I’ve really known my real mom,” I said. “Maybe she’s normally this way. Maybe I need thicker skin.”
“You’re in a lose-lose situation. Your real mom is a nut job and your fake mom is a whack job.”
I laughed. What else could I do? I did enough crying for a life time already. It was laugh or cry or walk around with a chip on my shoulder. It was easier to laugh.
“I think you should still try for the modeling thing,” Emmy said after we laughed.
“I don’t have that kind of money,” I reminded her.
“Ask mom and dad,” Emmy said in a tone that implied that I was an idiot for not asking. Emmet had suggested the same thing. I gave her a similar answer that I had given to him.
“Your mom and dad have been great to me, Emmy, but they’re not my mom and dad and I’ve never asked them for anything – well accept a green fishing pole,” I said, smiling at the memory.
<
br /> “But they’ve always taken care of you like you’re one of us,” Emmy objected.
“I won’t ask,” I said firmly. “And I don’t want you to ask either.”
“Fine,” she huffed. “So, have you come across any guys from school?”
I shook my head and laughed. “You’re so boy crazy.”
“I am, aren’t I?” she asked proudly. Only my friend would take that as a compliment.
We talked about boys for a little while and then clothes and hair, and then she needed to go. She and Mayson were going to go meet some kids in town. I felt a little jealous when I hung up the phone. This was the first summer that we were apart since we were seven. Even though it was only a couple of weeks, I hated that I had removed the option of hanging out with her if I wanted to while others got to have her attention. I had a few friends in New Jersey I could call, but I tended to have short patience for most girls my age. They were petty backstabbers.
Around three, I thought it would be a good time to go back to the Grayne’s. When I got there, Emmet was cutting the grass in a pair of shorts and no shirt. He was hot and sweaty and dirty. I loved it.
Control your hormones, Sensible Donya told me. I listened to her, gave Emmet a quick wave and went inside the house.
Emmet and I never discussed the activities that went on his bed again. We rebelliously ate ice-cream on his mom’s antique couch and watched Aladdin – by my request – and then watched the news and Leno. When we went to bed, we kissed very briefly, tangled our limbs together and went to sleep. In the morning when I woke, Emmet was already up, out of bed, showered, and dressed. That eliminated any awkwardness that could have occurred with his morning problem…
“Hey, Kiddo,” Fred said when I found him in his office behind his big mahogany desk.
“How was your business trip?” I asked, sitting on a leather couch against the wall.
“Boring,” he chuckled. “How are you? How is your mother?”
“Good,” I lied. I told Emmy and I told Emmet, but I didn’t want to tell Fred and Sam about my mom. It just didn’t feel right.
“Did you meet that modeling agent?” There was a small hint of disapproval in his voice. It was so small, I almost missed it.
Fred didn’t think that young girls my age should be modeling. He said that the modeling world was seedy, that some of the pictures he’d seen were nearly pornographic and that someone my age shouldn’t be viewed that way, but he didn’t want to stand in my way. As long as I had proper supervision, he would go along with it.
I didn’t want to tell him about the money situation – especially since I advised Emmy and Emmet not to ask their parents for help for me.
“I didn’t, but I have time,” I said.
“Good, good,” he said absently as he looked at something on his computer.
He was obviously busy and I didn’t want to keep bugging him. I stood up and started for the door.
“Do you want me to make dinner for you guys?” I asked.
“You don’t have to do that, Kiddo,” Fred said, but he looked at me with hope, like he was hoping I would overrule him and insist upon it.
I smiled and said “I’ll make dinner. If I don’t come over here and cook for you guys once in a while, you’ll live off of moldy cheese and take-out.”
“Thanks, Kiddo,” he said with a thankful grin.
I nodded and started out of the door, but Fred spoke again, and his question caught me off guard.
“Donya, whatever happened with that young man you told me about?”
I stood there just over the threshold looking into the office at him with a dumb expression on my face. It had been quite some time since we had that discussion. When he didn’t follow up a week or so later, I didn’t expect him to follow up at all.
“What?” I asked to buy some time.
“That boy you spoke about when we were fishing,” he said, leaning back in his chair as he studied me. “What happened?”
“Well,” I started slowly. “You don’t condone dating, so…”
I didn’t want to have to tell him this big lie, and boy was it a doozy.
Fred looked at me quietly for what felt like forever. I had a crazy feeling that he not only saw right through me and knew who the mystery boy was, but he knew the wicked, dirty things we had done in said boy’s room.
“Is it Emmet?” Fred bluntly asked.
I don’t know where the strength came from, or where this ability to put on a mask totally different from what I was feeling came from, but they were both there at full power. My knees did not give out on me and the mask slid perfectly into place with a surprised smile.
“Now you’re just talking crazy,” I said in a joking tone, though I don’t even know how I found a voice.
“I was just curious. You know it wouldn’t be so unusual for you to have formed an attachment to him. The two of you grew up very close.”
“You wouldn’t disapprove of such a match?” I asked as casually as I could muster.
“Of course I would disapprove of such a match,” he said, sitting up in his chair and leaning on his desk.
My heart sank as I waited for his explanation.
“Emmet should be looking after you as a little sister,” Fred explained. “If he looked at you as anything more than that, I would feel that he didn’t respect you as you should be respected. I would feel that he took advantage of his place in your life as a brotherly figure. It would be inappropriate and a little twisted for any of my boys to think of you as anything but a sister. Besides, he’s a little too old for you and you’re a little too young to be dating.”
I was shocked. Usually Fred is not so judgmental. Fred is the parent kids go to when they need an open mind and to make sense of something. I expected him to mention the age difference, but I did not expect the rest of it. I did not point out that he had confided in me about how old he and Sam were when they started dating.
With a suddenly dry mouth, I smiled wide and said “Thank god you have nothing to worry about then, huh? I’m not even sure why you asked about Emmet.” I laughed to imply that his idea had been ludicrous.
“The night of the wedding, you were talking to the Sampson boy, Taylor?” I nod, but remain quiet. “I watched Emmet watch you, and then I watched you and Emmet talking. I watched his face as you walked away. Not too long after you went in, he went in, too.”
I forced myself to laugh hard, except it wasn’t that forced. Some kind of madness had taken over and I really did laugh hard.
“Fred,” I said between shrieks of laughter. “Emmet was just being a big brother. I promise you that is all it was.”
Lie. Broken promise.
Fred smiled at me and nodded. “Of course.” He relaxed and then asked “So, who is this prince charming?”
“No one anymore,” I said with a shrug.
“Well, you’re young. You have many years ahead of you to fall in love. Take your time.”
I bobbed my head in agreement and continued this façade of a smile. “I’m going to go make dinner.”
“Thanks, Kiddo,” he said. He gave me a wink and turned his attention back to his computer.
I went into the kitchen and tried not to cry.
Emmet and I were doomed.
Chapter Fifteen
The next two weeks flew by. Fred went out of town once more for four days. I stayed with Emmet in the house most of the time. It was strange to be in the family house without the family. We didn’t have any more serious discussions about our past, present, and future, though Fred’s words haunted my every moment I was with Emmet. I didn’t want to tell him about the conversation because soon he would be going away to college. I had once looked at that as a negative point, but now I was welcoming it. Maybe we would see what we were really made of with the separation, and maybe that would give me some time to consider how to later break it to his family.
We didn’t have any more pornographic make-out sessions either. We slept in the same bed, h
olding each other. We kissed and we caressed, but with great restraint, Emmet always pulled away from me first. I knew he wanted more, and Imposter Donya wanted more. Imposter Donya wanted to jump on top of him, pin him down, kiss him and make him do bad things to her, but I kept Imposter Donya chained up in the basement and let Sensible Donya prevail – though there was nothing sensible about a near-sixteen year old girl spending the night in the house alone with her eighteen year old boyfriend. Sensible Donya was not without her flaws.
During the days that Fred was home, so not to bring any suspicion upon Emmet and me, I chose to hang out with my other friends during the day. Emmet would come over later in the evening while my mom was at work and he would leave before she got home. I cooked for him and Fred a couple more times, giving me an excuse to be there in the house. I didn’t really need an excuse, it was practically my home, too, but I didn’t want to give Fred any more reasons to suspect that anything was happening between Emmet and me.
Sam, Emmy and Mayson returned one week before Emmet was supposed to leave for Harvard. Mayson stayed a day before she said she couldn’t take anymore of Sam and went back home, a couple of towns away. Though I knew my time with Emmet was going to be seriously impeded, I was glad that everyone was back in New Jersey. None of my other friends could ever replace Emmy, and though Sam was nosey and too opinionated, sadly, she was still a decent replacement for my own mother who barely knew I existed.
Two days before we were to escort Emmet to his off campus apartment, Sam and Fred asked to speak with me in Fred’s office. The request made me want to throw up. Were they going to ask me about Emmet again? Were they going to admonish me for my behavior? They never asked to speak to me alone before, not even when my dad died. Was there something wrong with my mom? Were they about to break more bad news to me?
When I looked to Emmet and Emmy for clarification, they gave me twin shrugs. Emmy said “I don’t know” and Emmet threw his hands up as if to say “Wish I could help you, but I don’t know what’s going on.” I couldn’t read Emmy’s emotions if she chose to keep them from me, but Emmet was a different tale. I was getting better and better at sensing what he was feeling, and I sensed that he was being elusive. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion but followed Sam to the office. She told me to have a seat on the couch as she closed the door. Nervously, I sat on the edge of the couch, looking from Fred to Sam.
