by L. D. Davis
“As long as it makes you smile,” he said and kissed my smiling mouth.
I left my worries there on the sidewalk for the rest of the evening. There would be plenty of time to pick them up later.
*~*~*
The plane ride out had been enlightening. I heard a lot about my grandparents and my mom’s childhood. Her father worked at the DuPont plant in Delaware and her mother cleaned offices and houses a few days a week from time to time to supplement their income when things got a little rough, but for the most part she was a stay at home mom for my mother and her three siblings. The kids never knew they were poor because my grandparents always made sure that they had plenty of food to eat and nice, clean clothes.
Mom had been close to her siblings when they were growing up, but her oldest brother died in a car accident when mom was around my age. My other uncle, Roger, met and married a Brazilian beauty and moved to Brazil. I had only met him maybe twice in my life. Then there was my Aunt Candy. She and my mom had been very close growing up, but Candy had a superiority complex after marrying a well-off Texan. She judged everything my mom did. They went from being inseparable to speaking maybe once a year.
“Do you want to see your brother and sister again before you go?” I had asked her. I couldn’t bring myself to say the D word out loud.
Mom had shrugged like it didn’t matter, but the frown lines around her mouth said differently.
“I’m used to being without them,” she had said.
I didn’t understand that. I wasn’t very close to Charlotte and Lucille and Fred Jr., but I looked forward to seeing them on special occasions. I would not get used to being without them. I definitely knew I would never get used to being without Fred, Sam, Emmy and Emmet. I couldn’t even get used to not seeing my dad on occasion. Some days, I still thought about him like he was alive.
I had looked at my mom and knew instantly that I would never get used to being without her. We weren’t close, that was true, and as she had admitted, she had not exactly been a model parent, but I knew I would have a difficult time once she was gone. I wouldn’t be able to just get used to being without her.
My mom was exhausted and in pain by the time we made it to our hotel. She tried really hard to pretend that things weren’t as bad as they really were, but I knew better. I found her stash of pain killers and other drugs, loaded her up with what she needed and left her tucked into the giant bed.
I showered, redid my hair and changed my clothes. I took the script Felix had left at the front desk for me and sat in the living room reading it over. It wasn’t very extensive, as I said, I would only be on screen for a short time, but I couldn’t get the words to stick in my head. My brain was overflowing with thoughts about my mom. How much longer would she live? How much pain would she be in until her last breath? When she died, where would that leave me? Would I be allowed to live on my own? Would I get sent to a relative I barely knew or would I have to go back to Sam and Fred?
Wait a minute…
I put the script down on the couch and went to the phone on the desk. The phone call would probably end up costing more than a few dollars, but I’d worry about that later.
“Thank you for calling the Grayne residence. This is Emmy Grayne, sexy, foxy, hot -”
“How did you know it was me?” I interrupted her ridiculous greeting.
“Caller ID, bay-bee,” Emmy said. “I can’t believe you’re going to be in a movie! I can’t believe you’re screwing Felix Hunter! I want your life.”
“First of all, I didn’t get the part yet. Secondly, I am not screwing Felix Hunter. Now you’re starting to sound like the tabloids.”
“Well, if I believed the tabloids, I’d believe you were screwing my brother, too.”
I didn’t think it was possible to choke on air, but there I was, choking on air and then gasping for it.
“What are you talking about?” I managed.
“You know I stalk you via the tabloids,” she laughed. “It’s such a thrill seeing my best friend holding hands with Felix Fucking Hunter and kissing Felix Fucking Hunter.”
“Someone totally blew that out of context,” I said the same words I had said to her two days after Felix’s party. Someone had snapped a picture of Felix kissing me right before I pushed him away. Even though I had shown up at the party with and stayed with Emmet, he had not been mentioned at all. At least not then. My life had become so surreal.
“What are you talking about – with Emmet?” I asked her.
“There’s just a small section in Gossipers with a few pictures of you and Emmet holding hands. They are speculating that you are now involved with our dear brother – gross – and because of that Felix ran away to California, broken hearted of course.”
I rested my head in the palm of my hand. “That’s not so bad I guess,” I said weakly.
“Yeah, except it’s Emmet,” Emmy snorted. “Just the idea of you screwing our brother makes me almost throw up in my mouth.”
I closed my eyes and tried not to sigh too loudly. “Emmet isn’t a dog or anything, you know.”
“Oh, I know our brother is a hottie. That’s not the issue. The issue is he’s our brother, and he’s an okay guy, but he’s basically your brother, Donya. It just seems all kinds of wrong. Wait.” She paused for a moment. “Are you calling me to tell me you’re screwing my brother? Please don’t tell me you’re screwing my brother.”
Not this time, I thought.
“Our conversation took like three left turns,” I sighed wearily.
“Right. We were talking about you screwing Felix Hunter, and you said you’re not…even though you totally made out with him once…and he flew you and Andrea out there first class and he’s paying for your hotel accommodations in one of the most prestigious hotels out there. I’ll bet his suite is close to yours, isn’t it?”
“So what if it is?” I snapped, not mentioning that his suite was apparently right across the hall. “Look, I’m not screwing him, and I didn’t call you to discuss who I’m screwing.”
“Who are you screwing?” she asked with a super secretive tone.
“Emmy, my mom is dying,” I said, ending her who’s screwing who line of questioning. “I know you didn’t know or you would have told me, but Sam and Fred…”
“What?”
I told her about the conversation I had with my mom in New York and my observations before that. I also told her that I believed that Sam and Fred knew and withheld the information from me, and she agreed. Before I even asked to speak to them, she shouted for both of her parents to pick up a phone. It took a minute for them to get on the phone. They tried to begin the conversation with the usual pleasantries and inquiries – Sam even asked about the tabloid Emmy had mentioned, but I didn’t want to talk about all of that.
“Why didn’t you tell me about my mom?” I asked, cutting Sam off as she began a tirade about the tabloid pictures.
There was a moment of hushed silence and then all three of them started talking at once. I cut in, too, trying to voice my anger and feelings of betrayal, but we were all only getting snippets of what was being said. It was telephonic chaos until I got sick of trying to shut everyone up and just hung up the phone.
I paced the large room for a couple of minutes, trying to calm myself down. When the phone rang I almost didn’t answer it, but I wanted some answers, and I had a few things to say.
“What?” I answered crossly.
“Your tone needs a slight adjustment,” Fred said carefully.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I realized that he was the only one on the phone. I knew that was the case because Sam and sometimes Emmy had the inability to control their big mouths.
“I’m very angry and I’m very hurt,” I said to him, but with a little less ‘tude.
“I understand.”
“I don’t think that you do,” I said and then dug my nails into my palm to once again reel in my anger. “You held back very pertinent information. Don’t
you think that I would need to know that my mother was sick and dying?”
Fred sighed deeply. “You’re growing up so damn fast,” he said, sounding both proud and sad.
“Why? Because I used a big word?” I asked, irritated. “I’ve been using big words since I was a kid.”
“You’re still a kid.”
“I’m not a kid, Fred. I haven’t been an actual kid in a very long time and we both know it. Don’t tell me one moment that I am growing up so damn fast and then in the next moment call me a kid. I’m not a damn kid. I know chronologically – yes, I used another big word – I am almost seventeen, but we both know that I am older than that. So, please, stop treating me like I’m five and be straight with me. Even little kids have the right to know that their closest blood relative is about to die.”
There was another deep sigh and then Fred said “Donya, when your mom found out, she wanted to get a second and third opinion before telling you. By the time she got all of that, you were very much interested in pursuing a modeling career. No one wanted to -”
“Distract me?” I cut in bitterly.
“Your mother didn’t want you to hold back. She wanted you to have a chance without her illness on your shoulders.”
“Do you understand how fucking selfish that makes me look? Do you have any idea how much guilt I feel now? You guys made a piss poor decision about my life and you didn’t give me a chance to choose!”
“We believed we were doing the right thing for you,” Fred argued.
“Do you know who has been making the ‘right’ decisions for me for the last few years? Me! Not you. Not my mom. Not Sam. Me. You were all wrong!”
There was a long silence on the other end. I was breathing heavily as I paced back and forth as far as the cord would let me. I had never felt such anger in my entire life, and I had never felt so cheated. Maybe I wouldn’t have given up my career, but I would have spent my time with my mom more wisely.
“Did you talk to your mom about this?” Fred finally asked.
“No,” I said. “I can’t. I won’t stress her out like that.”
“So, you’re taking your anger and distress out on us,” he concluded.
I dropped into the chair and closed my eyes. Tears squeezed through anyway.
“Yes,” I admitted. “And I apologize, but…” There wasn’t a but, not really. It was exactly as he said. Really, the one person responsible for telling me was lying in bed, probably in excruciating pain even while she slept. It wasn’t Fred’s duty to tell me, nor Sam’s. As much like real parents that they were to me, my mom was still my actual mom and they had to abide by her wishes.
“Now that you know, what are you going to do?” Fred asked after a minute of quiet.
“I’m going to try to give her as much time as I can,” I said, sniffing. I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and simply allowed my tears to fall into my lap. “But I’m going to keep working. She seems to really want that, and frankly, I really want that.”
“That sounds like a very sensible plan, Kiddo,” Fred said gently.
My cell phone began to ring in the other room. I put Fred on hold and ran to answer it.
“Hey, beautiful,” Felix said cheerfully.
“Hi,” I said, walking back to the living room. “What’s up?”
“I know you’re probably tired from flying, but you’ll have to get over it. They want to see you. Now.”
“Now?” I asked, running a hand through my hair.
“Now. They’re really doing me a huge favor by even entertaining the idea of ‘some unknown model wannabe’ taking this part, regardless of how small it is. They have other people that can easily take the spot, so you need to get your hot ass down here and prove me right.”
I had barely looked at the script, but I didn’t have a choice. I had to prove that I could do this not only after a day of travel, but on short notice.
“Okay,” I relented. “How do I get there?”
“I’ve already sent a car over to get you. You should be downstairs in fifteen minutes or so.”
“Okay.”
“Did you learn your lines?”
“Kind of,” I said hurriedly. “Look, if you want me downstairs in fifteen minutes I have to go. I have to get ready.”
“Right. I’ll see you soon, okay?”
“Yeah, bye.” I said and hung up before he could respond. I picked up the phone on the desk. “Fred?”
“I’m here,” Fred answered.
“And me,” Emmy said. “And mom,” she said with a little less enthusiasm.
“How quaint,” I muttered. “I have to go. Felix just called and they want to see me now.”
“Good luck!” Emmy said. “Kiss Felix for me. Like, really kiss him. Put your tongue in his mouth and -”
“Emmy,” Fred growled in warning.
“Make sure you fix your hair before you go,” Sam said quickly. “I wouldn’t wear it in a headband like you sometimes do. Makes you look homely and unattractive.”
“Thanks?” I said, shaking my head. “I gotta go.”
“We love you!” Emmy rushed before I could hang up.
I sighed and gave a silent prayer of thanks that I had this insane adopted family.
“I love you guys, too. Thank you. For everything.”
“You’re welcome, Kiddo,” Fred said and then hastily added. “We’ll continue our conversation at another time.”
I hung up the phone and then rushed into the bedroom to get ready. I recited the lines out loud and carried the script with me. I was going to nail those lines or go back to New York a loser.
*~*~*
“Hey, can you hang around a couple of hours?” Felix asked me after my audition. “When I’m done we can go back to the hotel together.”
He was standing very close to me and I had the urge to hug him just so I could be hugged in return. I pushed my hands into my pockets instead.
“Is there somewhere quiet I can wait for you?” I asked, looking around us. “I need to make a couple of phone calls.”
“Yeah, sure,” he said, looking at me with concern. “I’ll take you to my trailer.”
I waited while he let the necessary people know where he was going and that he would be back shortly, and then I let him take my hand to lead me to his trailer.
“You did really well in the audition,” Felix said as we stepped out into the bright sunshine. “You got the part – I knew you would, but you don’t look too happy.”
“I’m tired,” I said, forcing a smile.
“It’s more than that,” he said quietly and then said hello to a group of people walking by. He glanced down at me over the rim of his sunglasses. “Something is bothering you. You’re all deflated.”
“I’m fine,” I lied. I didn’t feel fine at all. I felt crazy. I felt like laughing, crying, screaming, and fighting. It had hit me suddenly while I was reading my lines during the second part of the audition. My character, Destiny, was a hopeless young girl derived from hopeless circumstances. Her hopelessness felt very real.
“Donya,” Felix said my name and then halted. I stopped and looked up at him. “You can’t bullshit me. Besides, I’m your friend if nothing else. What is wrong with you?”
I sighed and considered. I couldn’t talk to him before talking to Emmet. It just didn’t seem right even if he was a very good friend.
“I got some very bad news yesterday,” I said honestly. “But I can’t talk about it with you right now. I haven’t even told Emmet.”
He knew Emmet and I were together now. He even knew that our relationship was pretty much a secret and why it had to be that way. I probably told Felix almost as much as I told Emmy. Then again, I hadn’t told Emmy about me and her brother and hadn’t planned on it. I realized how screwed up it was, that Felix knew about Emmet and Emmy didn’t.
A smile slowly appeared on a Felix’s face. It was playful, yet sad at the same time. It broke my heart just a little.
“I’m still jeal
ous about that,” he said and tapped my chin with his finger.
“With the millions of women pining after you, I’m sure you can find one almost as great as me,” I gently poked at him.
He chuckled and shook his head. “Maybe, but probably not.”
We resumed walking. Felix didn’t ask me about my troubles, thankfully. He pointed stuff out, told me what other stars were in the vicinity and who I’d be working with. Before leaving me alone in his trailer, he gave me a hug that almost brought me to tears.
As soon as the door closed, I sat down on the couch in the posh trailer and picked up the phone that was left in there for his personal use. Emmet answered on the third ring. It sounded like he was out on the streets of New York. I had expected him to be back in Cambridge already.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi. Where are you?” I asked curiously as I fidgeted with my charm bracelet.
“Times Square. Some of my friends were already headed here for the weekend, so I decided to hang out. Are you okay?”
“What friends?” I asked, my brain automatically fixing on Stella. “And why are you asking me that? Have you talked to Emmy or your parents?”
It took him a moment to answer. At first I thought it was because he didn’t want to tell me who he was with, but then if he didn’t want to do that, he wouldn’t have answered.
“I haven’t spoken to them. Why? What’s wrong?” he asked and sounded a bit alarmed.
“Who are you out with? I asked questions first,” I said and then couldn’t believe I had said it, just like a jealous girlfriend. I wanted to slap my own mouth for letting the words escape.
I heard Emmet let out a small sound of exasperation. “A few people from school that you haven’t met yet.” He had answered the question, but not fully. I knew Emmet, and he knew I knew him, so I remained silent until he told me the whole truth. “And Stella and a few of her friends.”
“Oh wow,” I said and forced a chuckle even though my head was now in my hand. “I would think the Cambridge crowd would find themselves too good for the Brown crowd.”
“They got over it,” he said tightly and quickly. “Donya, we’re just hanging out.”
