by L. D. Davis
The photographer Helene that had been so kind to me joined us for lunch one day. We had exchanged numbers on the last day of working together. She brought her husband Marcus with her. The pair bickered back and forth over trivial things. They would start to argue in English but they effortlessly continued to argue in French and Marcus’s native Italian. Emmet and I looked at each other in amusement before turning back to our new friends to try to get them back on topic, but it was clear they loved each other. In the middle of an argument, Marcus would kiss her all over her face and they never stopped touching one another.
“Your fiancé is brilliant,” Helene said to Emmet towards the end of our meal.
I looked at her with amusement and confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“I know she is, but why do you think so?” Emmet asked after glancing at me with a soft smile.
“I do not know what happened between you two – it’s none of my business,” she said, waving her hand. “But Donya was devastated. It was written all over her face. It was in her body language. She looked stiff and lifeless, but…” She shook a finger at me and smiled. “Once she stepped in front of the camera, she transformed. It was like that hurting girl had gone away. She became who she needed to become and there are very few girls in this business that can do that effectively. I usually have to yell at them all day to take their heads out of their asses.”
Emmet looked at me with adoration. It made me feel embarrassed, though I don’t know why.
“She is incredible,” he murmured.
“She is,” Helene nodded and looked at me. “The sky is the limit for you, Donya. If you want something, you will be able to take it.” She made a snatching motion with her hand.
Emmet looked at Helene with a thoughtful expression. The conversation changed after a moment, but Emmet had grown quiet. I don’t think Helene and Marcus noticed, because he still participated in conversation, but I knew he was preoccupied. Later as we walked back home, Emmet was still clearly lost in his own thoughts. I chatted on anyway, carrying the weight of the conversation until we were inside the penthouse, coats closeted and shoes kicked off.
“What’s on your mind?” I asked him as we settled on the couch.
He looked at me quietly and thoughtfully for a moment before speaking.
“Do you really love what you’re doing?” he asked.
“Yes,” I answered without hesitation. “It’s hard work, and sometimes I’m treated like shit,” I admitted. “But…I really do love it. I love the clothes, the hair, the makeup, and becoming someone else in front of the camera. I love the chaos before and during a shoot and the satisfactory feeling I have afterward.”
I pulled my legs up onto the couch and rested my head on Emmet’s shoulder.
“Emmy and I used to look at Vogue, Cosmo and Vanity Fair for hours at a time when we were younger. I didn’t necessarily want to be a model then, but I envied them sometimes. They got to wear incredible clothes, shoes, and jewelry created by some of the most talented minds in the world. I loved their poses and the expressions on their faces. When I realized that I could be like those models, I really wanted it. When I realized that I was good at it, I wanted it even more. I didn’t understand what it meant to have a passion for a hobby or an occupation until I got to New York and got my first real modeling gig.”
I looked up at him with narrowed eyes. He looked back at me questioningly.
“For the record, I do love the final result of a shoot, but I actually get embarrassed when I see myself in a magazine or in a commercial. I damn near had a heart attack when I saw that billboard advertisement for those jeans. If you noticed, I get uncomfortable when people approach me as if I was someone important or famous.”
Emmet smiled, but he sounded sincere when he apologized for his comment about me being conceited. “I know you’re not like that,” he said gently and put his arm around me.
“Why did you ask me if I loved what I do?” I asked him.
He ran a hand over his jaw and sighed. “I knew you were good at what you did, but Helene has been in the business for a long time, right? It takes things to another level when someone like her says that you’re good.”
“I believe she said brilliant,” I said with a smirk.
Emmet grinned and poked me in the side, making me giggle. “Oh, no, you’re not conceited or anything,” he teased.
“Just stating the facts.”
“Okay, so she said you’re brilliant,” Emmet said, but then his face grew serious. I sat up straight and looked at him, waiting for him to spit out whatever it was he had to say. “Donya, I don’t want to hold you back – ever. I tried to hold you back when we were arguing in my apartment. I told you that I wanted you to quit because you wanted to, not because I wanted you to, but I really did want you to want to quit. I tried to make you feel that quitting was your only option and I feel like such an asshole for that.”
“It’s okay,” I said, touching his face. “I understand, I do. You missed me and I have been inconsiderate over the past several months.”
Emmet captured my fingers in his hand and looked at me with a troubled expression.
“Donya, I don’t want to hold you back,” he said again. “I want you to go as far as you can go with this, and I know that there will have to be some sacrifices made, but I’m unwilling to sacrifice any more unnecessary time away from you. As soon as the semester is over, I’m going to join you in whatever corner of the world you’re in.”
I stared at him stupidly for a moment. “What…what do you mean? You’re going to skip the internship and travel with me for the summer?”
“That and more,” he said, watching me for a reaction.
“I don’t think that’s wise,” I said. “But what ‘more’ are you talking about?”
I had an uncomfortable pressure building in my chest. I didn’t want Emmet to skip the internship at the law office. He was lucky to have the position in the first place and he was learning a wealth of information that would aid him when taking the bar and his subsequent career.
“I’m going to take a year or two off from school,” he said quietly.
I felt my eyes widen and my mouth fall open. I shook my head slowly, indicating that I didn’t think that this was a good idea at all, and it wasn’t. Emmet had one more semester to go before he got his bachelor’s degree and then he had at least three years of law school ahead after that. The years were going to be long enough without putting one or two empty ones before them.
“Why?” I choked out. “Why would you want to do that?”
Emmet turned his body towards mine and cradled my face in his hands.
“Donya, I don’t want to live without you anymore. I can’t stand being away from you. I want to be able to kiss you every morning, every night, and as much as I damn can in between. I can’t go through another year like this, and if what Helene said is any indication of what’s to come, it will only be worse – or better for you – worse for us as a couple.”
I held onto his wrists and carefully pulled his hands away from my face.
“Emmet, you only have one year left of college,” I made a sound of exasperation. “And that internship is important. You were incredibly lucky to get it in the first place.”
He frowned and sat back away from me. “That wasn’t the response I expected.”
“I know and I’m sorry, but I don’t really think you thought this through.”
“I thought it through enough,” he said defensively.
“Emmet, you can’t…” I said, shaking my head. “Your parents will have a fit for one, and you’ll lose your trust fund money if you drop out.”
“I don’t care what my parents say,” he frowned. “And money isn’t everything.”
“No, but it sure is nice to have when you want to go to a prestigious law school,” I said. “And if you take a year or more off, you may ruin your chances of getting into the law program. I can’t let you do that.”
Em
met scowled now. “You’re not letting me do anything, Donya. It isn’t your decision, and I can get into some other law school later.”
I wanted to smack him in the head and wake him up. He was on track to graduate with honors and was almost guaranteed a place in Harvard’s law program. He was willing to throw away all of the hard work and money spent on his education and go to some community law school just so he could be with me. In theory, it was a romantic gesture, but in reality, it wasn’t a great move.
“I think you should think about this a while longer before you make any permanent changes,” I said.
“You don’t want me to be with you?” he asked with a disbelieving look on his face.
“Of course I want you to be with me,” I snapped, though I didn’t mean to. I took a breath before I spoke again. “It’s just that I really want you to live your life, too, Emmet. Law school is important to you.”
“Donya, you are my life,” he said. “And you are the most important thing to me in the world. My mind is made up.”
He got off of the couch and went into the kitchen. I sat on the couch staring out of the floor to ceiling window at the Eiffel Tower in the distance, with a feeling of dread.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Weeks later, Emmy and I sat in a busy New York café sipping cappuccinos after a small salad with no dressing for me and an enormous cheeseburger and fries for her. I had put on a couple of pounds absently eating all of the wrong things over the weeks. I wasn’t anywhere near fat, but one designer disagreed. He told me to come back Monday with a smaller ass. I was lucky that he didn’t replace me instead, so I took the hint and got to work on minimizing my ass.
Emmy was telling me about the colleges she had applied to and the responses she got. She was really excited about getting accepted to Penn State. She and Fred had visited the campus last spring and she had really liked the atmosphere and the course selection, but she wanted to get her bachelor’s degree in business administration as soon as possible and was already considering ways to cut some time off of her four years. She seemed very motivated and I wondered if she would ever give up her education to be with someone she loved. Fred and Sam would probably blow gaskets if she did.
That was another thing to worry about. I worried that Fred and Sam would blame me for Emmet dropping out of college and subsequently derailing his future. They were the only family I had and I worried that this would put an enormous rift between us. Fred and Sam didn’t put a lot of demands on their kids, but a college education was a must, and though none of the other kids ever attempted it, I was pretty sure that dropping out to follow your girlfriend or boyfriend around the world wasn’t an acceptable reason not to go.
My biggest concern, however, was Emmet. He took his education seriously, and he put in three hard years already. I worried that later, when it was too late, he would regret his decision. I understood what he was trying to do, but he needed to live his own life. He needed to finish his schooling and get his career on track. His life couldn’t be just about me. For the first time since Sam and Fred discovered our relationship, I started to consider Sam’s words. I began to believe that maybe…this was a mistake…
Emmet would eventually get tired of following me around. The romanticism would fade and he would start to rethink his decision to drop out of college. He would get tired of sitting in whatever hotel or temporary home we were in for the week and waiting for me to come home. The Graynes were loaded, it’s true, but they were hard workers. They liked to have a purpose. Fred still worked hard to keep his businesses running. Sam worked hard to take care of her home and family and was putting more and more of her time into charitable organizations. Freddy Jr. was working with his father’s businesses. Though Charlotte was pregnant with her second child, married to a man with deep pockets and she still got a piece of that Grayne pie, she had a successful consultant business that she ran out of her home. Lucille’s husband was in medical school and didn’t have deep pockets, but even though they had enough money between them for her to lounge at home and do nothing, she worked hard in a large marketing firm. Emmy was in her last year of high school, but she had a part time after school job and I knew she would work her butt off in college and work hard thereafter. I was one hundred percent positive that Emmet would not be okay with sitting at home doing nothing while I was out working. It may be okay at first, but eventually it would get to him, and the regrets and resentment would begin.
“Hello?” Emmy said, waving a hand in my face.
I blinked a few times and focused in on her face. “I’m sorry. I’m listening,” I promised.
“You are not,” she argued. “You haven’t heard a word I said for five minutes.”
“It took you five minutes to realize I wasn’t listening to you?” I asked dubiously.
“See, you just admitted you weren’t listening to me. What’s going on with you? You’re completely preoccupied and you’ve been quiet since I got here.”
After hurting Emmy with the secret of my relationship with Emmet, I stopped withholding anything major about me. I was still more or less a person that kept a lot to myself, but nothing big, and this was big.
“Emmet wants to take a year or two off of school so he can be with me,” I said, leaving out any bush beating.
Emmy’s face went from curious to dismay. “He can’t do that,” she said, shaking her head adamantly.
“I have been trying to talk him out of it for weeks, Emmy. He won’t listen to reason.”
“Mom and dad will flip out,” she said, staring at me incredulously. “He’ll lose his scholarship. He’ll stop getting money from his trust fund. He may not get into law school.”
“I know, and I’ve told him all of that, and he doesn’t care. So, now I’m worried about it all of the time. I’m terrified that he’s going to give it all up to be with me and then resent me for it later.”
Emmy sighed deeply. She looked at me as if there was something she wanted to say, but she was reluctant to say it. She bit her bottom lip to keep herself from blurting it out.
“What?” I asked tiredly. “Just say what you have to say.”
“It’s just…” she started, but stopped to release what sounded like a sigh of defeat. “I didn’t want to say this, but this is one of the reasons why they didn’t want you and Emmet dating. They thought he would eventually do something like this.”
I thought back to the conversation Emmet and I had with my mom what felt like half a life time ago at the dinner table in L.A.
The paths you will follow separately will slowly take you apart, piece by piece.
I was so sure that she was wrong. I didn’t think we were naïve and I didn’t think there could be anything to pull us apart, but the very thing my mother said would ruin us was ruining us. Though she was gone, I had the sudden urge to yell at her for bringing this upon us with her negative words. Sam’s words to us the night after my mom’s funeral weren’t any more warming, but also hit their mark.
“Sam and Fred will hate me,” I said, staring down at my cappuccino.
“They won’t hate you,” Emmy said soothingly.
“They will blame me, Emmy,” I quietly snapped, turning my gaze upon her. “Maybe not out loud and maybe not directly, but they will know that I am the reason and no one else.”
She wanted to argue, but she didn’t have an argument. Every word she started to say in objection never made it past her lips because she knew I was right. Finally she gave up on arguing and asked me what I was going to do.
“Maybe I should quit,” I said so quietly, I wasn’t sure if she heard me over the other diners in the café.
“Quit what?”
“Modeling.”
“So you can be with Emmet?” She asked incredulously. “You would give it all up for him?”
“You say that like it’s a terrible thing,” I snapped.
“Well, for someone your age, it is,” she snapped back. “You’re eighteen years old. Even though you’re more
mature than me, you’re still very young and you’re still growing as a person. You’re going to hand yourself over completely to a man who is barely a man, who is still between being a boy and being a man, and lose yourself completely? You won’t even know who you were supposed to be or who you wanted to be in ten years because you will only be what Emmet wanted you to be.”
Those were the most serious words I had ever heard come out of my friend’s mouth, serious and true, but I wasn’t ready to concede just yet.
“People give up their careers for the person they love all of the time,” I pointed out. “In a way I understand where Emmet is coming from.”
“Sure, people give up their careers to be with someone they love,” Emmy nodded. “But how many of those people are eighteen years old? How many of those people are in the unique situation that you are in? You are an in demand high fashion super model, Donya. You aren’t a twenty-seven year old system’s analyst or a thirty year old school teacher.”
Emmy leaned forward and grasped my hand in a death grip as she looked at me with earnest.
“When we were younger, I had all kinds of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be news reporter and I wanted to be a whole list of other things before I finally settled on going into business administration. You never joined in with my schemes to become Miss America or a princess or any of that. Instead, you just played a supportive role. Not too long before we first met Max at the beach, I asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up. Do you remember what you said to me?”
I closed my eyes for a moment. I remembered the conversation. When I had answered Emmy she didn’t even know what to say to me for a minute. She finally had just hugged me because there was nothing to say.
I opened my eyes and looked at her across the table. I let out a shaky breath and nodded that I remembered. Recalling that conversation changed everything and we both knew it, but Emmy still felt it necessary to say it out loud.
