by E M Gale
“A vampire hunter?” said Rob. “They do have those here, then?”
I nodded. The rest of my friends looked stunned.
“Well, I suppose if there are vampires, it makes sense that there would be vampire hunters,” reasoned Anna.
‘Why? Why does that make sense? They’re not some sort of yin and yang locked in an eternal battle. There’s no reason that just ’cos vampires exist, people have to hunt them!’
“Or more accurately, he’s a bounty hunter: vampire specialist,” I said drily.
They took that new idea in and played around with it a bit.
“Is it like the movies?” pondered Rob. “You know, crossbows, deserted villages, scared innkeepers, rain, bats.” He shrugged. “That sort of gothy thing.”
‘Eh? The guy’s met two vampires already. Surely he’s realised it’s not like the movies?’
I shrugged. I figured it was best not to say anything rather than start ranting and yelling about the Tyrians again. But I found I couldn’t keep still, so I rose to my feet and paced up and down in front of them.
“Good job he didn’t come aboard when Mr. Price was here,” said Mark.
‘Ah, I wonder how Price would have reacted to Brannigan? He probably wouldn’t have cared what Brannigan was, so long as Brannigan wasn’t after him, or in the way of his revenge.’
“Yeah, I wonder who would win out of a battle between those two,” said Rob, completely missing the seriousness of the whole thing. I shook my head at Rob and bit my tongue.
Jane was watching me closely.
I stopped pacing suddenly to stare at her.
‘Will she tell them? In fact, why hasn’t she already?’
I shrugged.
‘I’ve pretty much told them myself now anyway. It’s painfully obvious.’
I resumed pacing.
‘Brannigan won’t do anything stupid like come after me, will he? My future self might have no problem defending herself from him, but I might well do. I didn’t tell him that I would accept a truce–maybe I ought to now, but I don’t want to talk to him. I think the first thing that would come out of my mouth would be the question of how many he has personally killed for no reason, other than sport or prestige. Urgh. I mean, if they were attacking him or threatening him, then fair enough, but to hunt down vampires going about their usual business just to increase his social rating? Disgusting!’
“Let’s go and get a drink,” I said.
They handed me back their coffee cups for me to wash up, then we headed out to the bar.
I bought myself a large glass of wine and brooded over the top of it. Cleckley was there and as he had smiled at me when he saw us, I led my friends to join him at his table.
“All signed and ratified then?” he asked.
“Very funny,” I replied. The others sat down and I idly wondered if Cleckley was going to try to annoy Rob again and whether Rob would get wound up now that I had told him that there was nothing going on.
I was suddenly aware of an incoming garlicky stink.
‘That’s strong. It must be the hunter, I can smell him from far away. Does he not realise that by eating garlic he just makes himself far, far easier to track?’
Brannigan crept into the bar. He had eaten several cloves a few hours ago, and he had a few bulbs stashed about his person. He was wearing similar outdoorsy Gap-style clothes, with the belts and pockets stuffed full of things, and I would bet some of those things were a copy of the Bible and a few crosses.
Seeing me, he turned his footsteps towards me. I frowned at him.
“Clarke, regarding what we were talking about yesterday, truce?” he said, holding out his hand and sweating garlic like a three-day-old bolognese sauce.
‘Well, do I really want to go against my future self’s and the major’s advice to attack someone who is asking for peace, someone I may not be able to take, who probably is armed with at least a stake or a crossbow, in front of everyone in the bar? Even if I win, I’ll probably end up spaced by the crew. Or worse, called the evil vampire.’
I sneered at him, baring my teeth, but shook his hand briefly. “Until things change,” I said.
‘Like he changes targets to either me or Price.’
He looked relieved. “Hey, why don’t you come and join us?” said Rob to Brannigan with an easy smile. Jane, Cleckley, Brannigan and I all looked at him in surprise.
Brannigan turned to me. “Is it OK?”
I narrowed my eyes at him and sniffed. “Currently, I do not own the bar,” I said.
“Oh, don’t listen to her, she’s in a mood about something,” said Rob. “Hey, you weren’t rude to her, were you? She really took against the last person who was.”
“Uh, no.” Brannigan looked a little pale. He was probably wondering what had happened to the last person who was rude to me. By my reckoning, Rob was talking about Price. “I would never be rude to her,” Brannigan stated definitely. He smiled shakily. I’ll just get a drink." He went up to the bar for beer.
I glared at Rob. “Rob, you’re an idiot,” I said. He just grinned at me.
‘Moron.’
Brannigan came back and sat down next to Rob, which was probably the safest place for him to sit. I frowned at him, and Cleckley looked from me to him and back again. Cleckley didn’t look too happy to be sitting between us even if we did now have a truce.
‘Wise man.’
Cleckley made a comment about needing more mixer in his shandy and headed to the bar.
“So, you’re a vampire hunter then?” asked Rob.
I’d thought that Brannigan’s eyes couldn’t go any wider, but there we were, they could. Brannigan nodded, dry-mouthed.
“Vampires,” he gibbered. “And other beasts or mythological creatures.”
“Like what? Dragons? Griffins?”
Brannigan stared. “Um, well, I think only vampires exist, but I’ve been told to look out for werewolves.”
“What?” said Jane.
“What’s it like?” asked Rob. “Is it like the movies?”
Brannigan shook his head, but he didn’t expound upon the subject.
“Do you stake them?” Rob asked.
Brannigan fidgeted. I glared at Brannigan and chewed on my finger.
“You’re not going after Alucard, are you?” continued Rob. “Because he’s kind of cool.”
“No, no,” said Brannigan. Then he obviously realised the tactical potential of his situation. He narrowed his eyes at Rob in what it seemed was a crafty look. “I’m looking for a vampire named Alcibiades, just to talk to, you understand,” he said. “Have any of you heard of him?”
They shook their heads and Jane looked confused. Cleckley sat down and took the opportunity to pull up another seat to fit in behind Rob, leaving an empty chair between me and Brannigan.
“We’ve met a vampire called Jonathan Price and one called Alucard,” said Anna, being nice and helpful; she even smiled at Brannigan.
“Have you got any leads?” I asked Brannigan icily. He looked at me. I smiled, baring my teeth.
‘Will he be stupid enough to tell me anything? I have a truce with him, that doesn’t mean that I’m his ally.’
“Um…” He trailed off and I had the uncomfortable feeling that he was looking at my canines. I shut my mouth and let the smile go. “I’ll tell you what I know if you’ll give me my book back,” said Brannigan to me.
‘He’s not quite that dumb, then. He knows I nicked it.’
“Sorry. No can do,” I said.
“You stole his book?” Anna looked at me askance.
“I confiscated it.”
“I thought you confiscated weapons, Clarke, not books.”
“Books are weapons. Often more deadly weapons than just swords,” I said darkly. She didn’t look impressed with that.
“Well, don’t you think that you should return it? Is that what you argued about?”
‘Eh? Haven’t we had this conversation before, Anna? What is it with you d
emanding I rearm my enemies?’
“Tragically, I cannot. The book has been spaced.”
Brannigan relaxed significantly at that.
“Did you read it?” he said.
I shook my head and spread my hands on the table. “Unfortunately, I cannot read. I just looked at the grisly pictures.”
He nodded at that. He was dumb enough to believe I was illiterate.
“Don’t be silly, Clarke, of course you can read,” said Anna.
“It was in a foreign language, Anna,” I lied.
‘I don’t think that the Tyrians’ trailing e’s and double n’s constitute a whole new language.’
“Why did you throw it away?” she asked.
‘Whoa, what’s with all the questions?’
“I tripped near the garbage collection.” I whistled and moved my hand to indicate a book flying through the air into the garbage collection that was waiting and ready to be spaced.
“Oh. Well, don’t you think that you should apologise for stealing and losing Jake’s book?”
“Nah.”
She looked confused.
“It was hardcore donkey porn.”
Brannigan blushed as Anna stared at him.
“Oh!” she said. I felt like laughing.
“I was offended by its contents and spaced it,” I said, warming to my story.
“I would hardly say that a dodgy book is a weapon, Clarke,” said Mark with a grin. “The pen might well be mightier than the sword, but the penis probably isn’t.” I laughed at that.
‘Poor Brannigan. He looks uncomfortable, but I think that was well deserved.’
I smiled at him in a predatory manner. “I cannot return your precious book, but I will admit that just maybe I spaced it on purpose.” He seemed to prefer the idea that I had spaced the book to the idea that I had kept it and read it. “Maybe you could tell me if you have any leads on Aybeeceedees or whatever he was called?”
Brannigan shifted in his seat. “Um… well. It’s OK about the book, if you spaced it–that you spaced it, I mean.”
I smiled coldly at him.
“Uh… anyway, I’ve been told that he’s somewhere around the outer parts of the galaxy. Possibly in the vicinity of Tortuga, but no one there had heard of him.”
I nodded.
‘Was this guy dumb enough to ask vampires on Tortuga about his prey?’
‘Well, he did ask me, but then I guess he hadn’t had any other choice.’
“So where are you heading now?” I asked him.
He looked askance for a moment at giving away intel to his enemy, so I guessed that he wasn’t all that stupid.
“Wherever. I’ve got to ask around at the next vampire nesting planet I come to.”
‘Vampire nesting planet? We nest?’
I smiled at him calmly. His heart rate rose again under my scrutiny.
‘I really can’t believe anything he says anyway. Neither would I know one planet from the next. So what’s the point of asking?’
I gave up my scrutiny of him and smelt him calm down.
“What has this Alcibiades done?” asked Mark. He seemed quite interested in the whole thing.
“Nothing, but I’m hoping he will help me find his lover, as that’s who I am after,” said Brannigan.
“Who’s that then?” asked Mark.
“Socrates.”
Jane and Anna both looked stunned.
“You’re going after Socrates?” asked Jane. She sounded awestruck.
“Socrates? He was a vampire?” asked Anna.
‘Well, as they are the humanities and languages majors of the group, they’d have more of an idea about this stuff than us science majors.’
“Who were they?” asked Cleckley.
‘It seems that a classical education is not required for medical researchers either.’
Anna took it upon herself to educate him. “Socrates was probably the first philosopher ever. He’s very famous. And Alcibiades, I thought I’d heard that name before,” said Anna.
“Who is he?” I asked her.
“He was widely believed to be Socrates’ lover.”
“Eh? They’re both guys though, right?” said Mark.
“Yes, but they were ancient Greeks,” said Anna.
“And vampires don’t care about that sort of thing,” added Brannigan. “They’re unisexual.”
‘Eh? ‘Unisexual’? Given that I can have normal sex and vampiric sex, I would use the word ‘multisexual’.’
I frowned at Brannigan, but he didn’t say anything. In fact he looked confused, perhaps confused as to why I didn’t like his comment.
“But both Socrates and Alcibiades died,” said Anna. “It was recorded.”
“Oh? How did they die?” I asked her.
“Well, Socrates was sentenced to death because he was Alcibiades’ teacher. He was blamed for Alcibiades’ actions, and he had to poison himself. The house Alcibiades was in, one of his many lovers’ houses, was set on fire. When he ran out with a dagger to confront his assassins they shot him with arrows,” she said.
‘Eeek!’
“Fire and wood,” said Cleckley thoughtfully.
I eyed him.
‘I hope he’s not thinking about experimenting by firing arrows into me.’
“They probably faked their deaths,” said Mark.
Anna nodded. “It’s amazing that they were vampires! And they’re still alive!” said Anna. “I wonder what they are doing now?”
I shrugged. “Ask Brannigan.”
“I don’t know.”
“Ah, but Socrates! Still alive! What philosophies might he be dreaming up today? I wonder what he thought of the Dark Ages when everything he had learnt was lost or considered taboo. He must have thought people were uncivilised,” continued Anna, quite taken by the idea.
‘Ah, the medieval ages, back onto something I know about.’
“They were damned uncivilised,” I said. “People were superstitious, in the thrall of the church, the church was in the thrall of fear of mortality, there were plagues, uprisings, witch burnings. In fact–”
She waved all that away. “Yes, yes, whatever, Clarke, I don’t want yet another discussion about witch burnings and the failings of the church.”
‘Oh, why not?’
I frowned. Cleckley looked at me with interest at that point.
“But where was Socrates then, during the medieval ages?” she asked. Her question was directed towards Brannigan and not me.
“Hiding out as a mason? A monk in an abbey? Sunning himself in Greece?” I suggested lightly.
“What about the other guy?” said Rob. “Al-whatshisname. What did he do for all this time? What did he do anyway? Yet another philosopher?”
“Oh, no,” replied Anna. “If he continued in death as he had in life, he would have swanned around from army to army, leading them in wars against each other.”
‘Alcibiades was a general?’
“That is, if anyone would be stupid enough to trust him to lead an army,” she added.
I stared at her. “Why? ’Cos he was a vampire?”
“Well, no. He fought for Athens in the first Peloponnesian war, then switched sides in the second one to fight on Sparta’s side against Athens, then betrayed Sparta to lead Persia’s army against her,” she explained. “There was one battle between Sparta and Athens where Alcibiades turned up and neither side was sure whose side he was on.”
‘Ha ha, how funny!’
I laughed out loud at that. “His own from the sounds of it.”
“Yes, there are vampires like that,” said Brannigan, looking at me.
I narrowed my eyes at him and frowned.
“But oddly enough, Alcibiades was called a hero by many. Even after he betrayed Athens they welcomed him back and made him a general again,” commented Brannigan.
‘Oh. Brannigan’s really done his research on this guy. To find him better I presume.’
“But an ancient Greek, still
alive today,” said Anna in amazement. “In fact not one, but two!”
“Undead,” muttered Cleckley.
I caught his eye and frowned at him.
He smiled apologetically and spread his fingers on the table.
“Many vampires are very old,” said Brannigan. “They just don’t look it.” He was looking at me again. I grinned at him.
‘Ah, yes, he thinks I’m unspeakably ancient, how funny.’
“And what did Socrates do to deserve you coming after him?” asked Rob.
‘Yeah, fair point.’
I stared at Brannigan with interest. “Well, uh. I don’t know,” said Brannigan.
“An assassin, not a bounty hunter,” I said darkly.
He looked at me in shock.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Bounty hunters capture their charges and bring them to justice. You are nothing but an assassin, a murderer for hire.”
The temperature of the room dropped by a few degrees. Anna looked at me in shock and then frowned at Brannigan. The rest of my friends looked on edge.
“It’s not really possible to capture a vampire,” said Brannigan carefully.
I said nothing and tried to not think about the Tyrians’ trophies. No one said anything and my friends looked from Brannigan to me. There was a uncomfortable silence which I broke once I’d calmed down.
“What’s the price on his head anyway?” I hissed.
“Uh, two million pelfre,” said Brannigan with his head downcast.
‘Oh? He feels bad about it? A vampire hunter who feels bad about assassinating vampires for money. How odd.’
“You feel bad about it?” asked Anna. She was no longer frowning at him. “Why do you do it then?”
“Uh… Well, vampires, they’re so long-lived so it’s OK to kill them, plus they’re not really people like you or me.” I caught his eye. He blushed and faltered. “It’s a job,” he mumbled. Cleckley was looking a little disturbed at this.
‘Fair enough. I feel more than a little disturbed. I feel sick.’
I shook my head and finished off the last of my wine.
‘I need to get out of here before I start yelling.’
“Really? They’re not real people?” said Anna.
‘What? You believe the garlic-enthused sicko?’
“Oh.” She sounded as if she’d just heard a mildly interesting fact, rather than a paper-thin justification for unprovoked murder. “They act like real people.” She shrugged, but she didn’t sound like she was arguing.
